Mind Fucks - 50 Shades Of Fear

Somebody started a discussion about mind fucks, in the end it turned out that he didn't mean a mind fuck in a scene, fear play, but mental domination in the form of using female wiles, turned out he meant more obedience training or behaviour modification.

Of course I misunderstood terribly and gave examples of mind fucks in scenes, which is something I just love.

Now let me use a disclaimer first, in a relationship, mind fucks have no place, I would find them wrong, dishonest, manipulative and just fairly disgusting. Not that I am super moralistic, but I'm simply too freaking lazy to pretend, what you see is what you get, it's fairly easy, nobody needs to waste time. If you don't like what you see, well, move on, I'm not right for you and honestly, I just can't be bothered to wear a mask and pretend to be somebody I'm not. Far too much effort and I'm a lazy bitch. I'm not above a snark and sometimes follow it up with a bite that takes out a chunk, call it my personal charm...

In a relationship, I don't want to play cloak and dagger, I want to be able to take somebody at face value, and that's it. I can deal with people who tell me I'm an a-hole, great, we got that out of the way, we don't need to pretend we're best friends, we can avoid each other and be civil, cool beans. What I can't stand is the fake friendliness (the one big complaint I have about LA - apart from the traffic jams).
The funny thing is, people tend to like me or hate me, and hey, that's cool with me! As long as I know where I stand, really no issue...

But back to mind fucks, in a scene, yeah, I do love them because they are fun and I can get off on the fear. I actually had a talk about some of the mind fucks I did with H, and apart from cringing and yelling "Shit, I had no idea what a sadist you are - don't ever do that with me, go and find somebody who gets off on it, I don't mind, but no, no fucking way..." (which made me laugh) he giggled like a girl and almost wet his pants.

It was actually his idea about a blog entry about the mind fucks, he even suggested a book, but hey, another book the world doesn't need...

So here we go, most of it happened during the time I was pro-domming, and no harm was done.

So while working in a commercial dungeon part time (I always got my kink on on Saturdays or Sundays, sure I'm going to hell for that one, which is great so I'll meet all my friends again and I'm much more of a warm weather person anyway), we had this particularly annoying caller who told us that nobody can break him, we're all just fakers. Business was slow due to it being the Easter weekend, so I suggested a free session, not thinking the guy would show up, surprise, he did (yeah, a freebe can do that to people), I hadn't really had it thought through, so I needed to improvise.

Hot iron (as in clothes iron) plugged in, the guy strapped down face down, I told him that I will brand him with the iron and that will break him, he started sweating and yelling about dangers, so I put a gag into his mouth, made a big show about checking the heat of the iron by spitting on my finger and putting the finger on the iron, sizzling sound. Told him I have to wait until it's red hot so make sure the brand would last, frantic muffled yelling. Me slapping a blindfold on him, sitting on top of him and telling my colleague to check the iron again. Again sizzling sound, what little twerp didn't know, we had a packet of fish fingers in the freezer (actually shame that it wasn't vanilla ice cream, that would have been just too ironic) and after flogging him a bit and treating him with a whip and deep heat (fucking marvellous invention, love it, so many evil ways to use it), his shoulders were on fire anyway. We put the frozen fish fingers on briefly, while my colleague threw some cut off fingernails into a candle, terrible stink, guy almost passed out. We had great fun taking the piss out of him and how some frozen fish fingers broke him - he never called again, the boring Easter Sunday shift had a comedic value...

Next one was in another dungeon, great white room (white rooms are medical rooms) with a sky light, OB gyn chair and all the trimmings. Never been so super keen on medical scenes but always like scrotal inflations, a bit of electrical and stuff, and the cool white can make a nice contrast to a sizzling hot (even without an iron) scene, but in general, I do prefer a room with spanking benches, crosses and all that, that's just my lil old perverted self...

So anyway, this guy came regularly every 8 weeks, always wanted to have a castration role play, and ALWAYS complained that it was not realistic enough. I was torn between telling him to eff off and a desire to make it real. It became almost an obsession, and finally I had enough...

A friend of mine had an electric knife, as in kinky electrostimulation knife, in short it's an electric device that feels like you're being cut, but you aren't... Along with borrowing that knife (dreadfully expensive though) came a trip to a halal butcher, to purchase lambs testicles and fresh blood.
Client came, wanted the castration role play again, bitching that hopefully this time it would be more realistic, blah blah... Oh fuck, would I let him have it!

Microwave and heat up the blood, put it into a thermos and hide it, has to be warm enough, hide the lambs testicles under the OB gyn chair, take the mirrors away (don't want him to see the slight of hand), put some deep heat (Finalgon works well, water based) ready as it will increase the pain by making the nerve endings more sensitive, mask the smell with tea tree oil (nice medical smell).

Put him into the chair, went through the usual "preparation" and "talk" about him being a rapist and we will sterilize him in prison, secured him in the chair, a bit of the usual play before and a few needles through the skin, showing him the scalpel, quickly exchanging it under the chair for the electric knife, he was screaming in pain, I pretended to be pissed off and yelled "Shut off or I really do it" and just telling him I had enough with him playing pretend, electric knife, him screaming in pain and convulsing, while I poured the warmed up blood over his lower regions and the lamb testicles and then held them up yelling "So is that realistic enough, you stupid fuck, you pushed me too far..." 

Yeah, it was fucking realistic, he wouldn't stop screaming for ages, despite me yelling at him to check, he still got the family jewels, everything in place, it was just realistic...

I actually had to slap him (with my bloody gloves, which made him scream more) and it took a good while to calm him down. Fucking idiot, really, I mean lambs testicles tend to be a lot bigger than your average human testicles (and trust me, I have seen my fair share of them) and without being mean, this guy didn't have stones, he had pebbles as in pebble dash. No way those things could ever have been his.

Yeah, we lost a regular, guess he finally got as realistic as he wanted... What can I say, even Dommes sometimes aim to please...

Now there was also this guy who wanted to be dominated by a drunk and out of control Domme, something that I just wouldn't ever entertain doing, but hey, using cheap booze as a mouth wash, a cognac soaked tissue in my bra, slurring my speech and stumbling a bit... I leave you guessing, let's just say it involved a strapon and a piece of raw liver that I had hidden somewhere and put and placed at the end of a strapon after pounding him at the strategically right moment...

Fuck yeah, I do like a good mind fuck.... Anybody feeling a bit queasy?

And yes, for years my sig line used to be "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it, in unexpected ways..."

Awww, sometimes I do miss pro-domming... And yeah, I might be a sadistic bitch, but I don't want to maim anybody - well, most of the time ;)

BDSM and Abuse

It comes up again and again and for a lot of people not involved with BDSM it looks like there is abuse going on, the big difference is that it is consensual!

Honestly, I can't stress enough how important it is that it IS consensual.

There is NO excuse for not respecting a safe word, if people who know each other and have a rapport decide to play without a safe word, great, not a problem, however if anybody announces right off the bat that they will not respect your limits or a safe word, don't walk - RUN.

Some people are thrill seekers and all that, and while I'm not somebody who would rely on a safe word (I explain in a bit), when getting to know somebody, you have to learn about their boundaries and some people have trigger points where you just push them much too far, pushing somebody way beyond their endurance can cause a pretty serious trauma, maybe not physical but leaving mental scars is not covered by consensual play!

Why I don't want to rely on safe words is simple, when the endorphines are flying, it can be pretty difficult for a masochist to recognize what is going on, as the top you really have to watch their body language, it might just feel too good for them to call a stop. Think about it in terms of a happy drunk who's flying high and doesn't realize that he's close to alcohol poisoning. 

But truthfully, that's another issue than abuse. 

I was just reading somewhere, where a woman rejected a dominant because he seemed to have anger issues and threatened to blacken her eyes if she says something to him. That's for me seriously crossing the line, hurting somebody out of anger is not BDSM or consensual, it's being out of control, if the top is out of control, accidents happen.

No problem with a role play where you pretend to be angry, or maybe even some punishment, but boys and girls, don't play with angry people, as exciting as it may seem at first glimpse, you only got this one body.

Seriously, if it would be my hide on the line, I'd be giving somebody a grilling of the 9th degree before I would even consider getting in a situation where I would be vunerable.

If you have issues trusting somebody, don't trust them with your health or life! Being stupid is not an attractive trait in a bottom!

End of rant!

Reviewing Dommes...

The subject popped up again on MF, some first time posters posting fake reviews, a few Dommes chimed in and said that they had fake bad reviews and everybody wanted to stone them over them despite the fact the reviews were simply so stupid and crazy (Irene Boss was accused of having bodies in her basement, I once had to deal with a dead mouse in the garage, the stink was horrible, imagine how bodies would smell, and yeah, bodies in the basement, logic place to store them...)
Coral Korrupt had a similar story, it was just rubbish, apparently she brutalized an unbound guy who didn't want to session with her (she's 5'2) and a ton more BS, turned out another woman pretended to be a client because she saw Coral as competition (to paraphrase Coral "Some batshit crazy psycho bitch").

Of course there might be the odd fake review painting somebody in glowing colours but people will take it with a pinch of salt, however if it's a negative review, everybody jumps on the woman and it seems to become a real witch hunt. Makes me sometimes wonder if those so called submissive guys aren't really the biggest misogynists on the planet and simply hate women, especially dominant women. Some really weird knee jerk reaction.

I'm surprised how many women don't even ask questions but suck up to the guys, even if things don't sound right. I mean honestly, that reeks of desperation, you need a session so badly? Also what is bad for one woman in the business is bad for the rest, you're giving those guys the power to bully WOMEN.

Heaven knows I am by no means a female supremacist (the idea that a vagina makes somebody superior is a bit ridiculous), but for the drug riddled Lush, I would possibly qualify as a femnazi, simply because I believe in equality.

Don't get me wrong, a role play about female supremacy is super hot, I can dig that, also if we're in the dungeon, I'm the boss, you tell me your limits before, we have a talk, but once we're on the same page, it's not a democracy anymore. That's just how things work, otherwise it would hardly be domination, it would be "and how may I dominate you today, Sir?" Gag, puke, yawn....

I'm not saying that every session is perfect, most definitely not, and it's alright to say so, sometimes you have no chemistry, can't be helped, sometimes she might be unskilled or not listening, then by all means say something, but do it quick. If it happens in the first half of the session, ask for part of the tribute back, it's only fair. You're an adult, you mad the choice to see somebody who does provide an adult service, you want to get what you pay for and what was agreed. But don't go through the whole session without letting her know that it doesn't work for you and then ruin her reputation online, that's a bit shitty, and frankly, the action of a coward!
I said it before you have to communicate clearly what you want, there is really nothing more frustrating than a client who doesn't tell you what he wants, I ranted about that before:

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/what-do-you-really-want.html

Then you have to do your homework, make sure you find the right Domme, the perfect session doesn't just happen, it needs your input too

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/the-perfect-session.html


Be a freaking adult, you are responsible for yourself, your Domme isn't your mom

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/im-your-domme-not-your-mom.html

Avoid subfrenzy and wearing blinkers

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/safety-in-bdsm-sub-frenzy-and-meeting.html

And of course don't fall in love with your Domme, just don't do it!

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/ever-fallen-in-love-with-pro-domme.html

If you've done all of that and you did your part, and it's still a shit session, then write a bad review, not before...
And btw I found a very interesting article which is from an escort site but I found it was really an eye opener, and how some guys just dehumanize women. Don't be that guy, OK!

http://titsandsass.com/we-need-a-better-review-culture/

The "talk"

I'm aware that it's a bit of a rehash, but the subject came up again on a board.

The situation is this, nice guy likes pro-Domme, he likes her a bit more than he should, she gives him the dreaded talk and tells him they can't see each other for a while, because he's getting in too deep and is losing touch with what it is really about.

Obviously he can't understand it and feels like he is punished for being honest.

He isn't, even if it might feel like it, she is making sure he doesn't get obsessed, forces him to have a reality check and forces him to see the situation for what it really is.

Guys, if you're crushing on your Domme, it's not a bad thing but it shouldn't take over most of your life, during a session a bit of a crush is a great thing, but it's not love, there isn't a chance of her being your girlfriend. Most Dommes really don't want a brain washed robot (unless they really have no effing clue about anything), I said it countless times before, it's a sport for adults.

Let me put it this way, I do enjoy a nice glass of wine or a snifter of great single malt (preferably Islay if you're planning to buy me one), I can't handle a bottle, I enjoy a nice spinach pizza, I don't enjoy 5 of them (and you wouldn't want me to, unless you have a fetish for BBWs). Keep it in perspective, use your brain, moderate yourself.

Submission in a session or in context can be wonderful, very enjoyable, there's no problem taking a little bit of it out into the real world, like doing stuff you know she approves of, watching your diet, exercising more, etc.
If you want me to be perfectly honest (you might not but I'm going to be anyway, deal with it), it's all stuff you should be doing for yourself anyway, you're an adult, but I understand that it's a bit easier when you're doing it for a Domme, as some act of worship. Heaven knows that when us girls go on a diet we use every help we can.

In case you find yourself falling for a Domme, take a break, session around a bit, now if you don't enjoy sessioning with other Dommes at all, take a break, put the money aside, your desire will come back and you'll be glad for a little fund you can dip into. Do something completely else that will make you feel good, a hobby, be a volunteer for something you support.

I know it sucks to be in love, or to think you are in love, and the object of your desire doesn't have the same feelings for you, hurts like hell, and yes, been there, thank you very much. Might be undomly to admit it, but who gives a damn? Anybody going to come and tear up my Domme card? I'm really shaking in my thigh high boots (actually I'm lying, due to rain storms in the UK I'm wearing very glamorous Doc Martens and yes, me and both doggies were almost blown away).

This freaking post really took me ages as I was quite busy with the work for charities, and actually a bit of hands on work for a charity that's in the next town, fantastic people who spend all their money for neglected and abandoned animals. If you really want to do me a favour, share the link all over your networks, the more people see it, the more possibly donate as they are threatened by closure due to lack of funds. Extra kudos if you actually send them just a bit you can spare, just make it discrete, I don't really want them to know about my alter ego and hobby. I don't know how they would react, but hey, why chance it, right?

AngelsRescue

To sex things up...

Just by chance I ran across a little youtube video, nothing dramatic, but while I was in Austria I used the chance to visit the Wolford factory (yes, spent far too much money there...) and for all the guys who complain that their wife is not interested in sex anymore, when was the last time you gave her a reason to feel sexy?

BDSM Checklist

As I mentioned before, you should know your limits.

It's easy to say you don't have any limits if you have also no experience and everything seems to be so new and exciting, it's also very easy to say you have no limits when everything you've seen is BDSM porn and again, everything was very exciting and arousing, on screen not a lot of things hurt. Tell you what, in your fantasies you can take a lot of pain and it's arousing, also your knees don't hurt, you don't get pins and needles from bondage, kneeling too long oh and your endurance like your erection is endless ;)

Use a bit of common sense and have a little list ready, it helps if you find a dominant and you know what you like and what is an absolute no go. I've said it countless times but it bears repeating, dominants are not mind readers, it's your job as a sub to communicate your limits. It's a little bit like going to dinner, if you don't tell the cook that you have food allergies, they can't avoid using things that you are allergic to.

Pretty often a sub doesn't mention anything and later on it was the bad dominant who violated limits, might work once, might even work twice, but then word gets around and nobody will want to play with you anymore because you look like a professional victim instead of a fun play partner. In case the dominant knows your limit, he or she can work around them, or you can both decide in advance that you're not too well suited.

Here are a few pointers, and I suggest you make a list with all those things and write Yes / No / Maybe.
Don't worry about too many Nos, things will change and what you couldn't ever have imagined at the beginning of your journey might at one point become a maybe, or at a later point even a strong interest and it might end up as a yes, some hard limits will always be the same, and some you should actually have, because self-preservation is quite important.

Just for "shit and giggles" it might actually worth to keep the check list you have now and compare it to another check list further down the line, say in a year or two - in a lot of cases it will look really really different.

I really can't list up everything here, and I think there are more than enough BDSM checklists floating around on the internet, I found one that is quite comprehensive and printable:

Printable BDSM Checklist

The line is really comprehensive and a lot of things are in there and if it's already there, why do another one? So what I'm trying to do here is just give you something to think about and a rough idea what you have to consider.

Most of us have some triggers, some phobias, something that makes us freak out, even stuff that goes back to our childhood. It's really important to let a dominant know, because a submissive having a panic attack is a real mood killer and can be quite dangerous, also mention allergies, especially if it's something that might be part of the play (for example if you have a latex allergy).

So think about what you really fear, are you claustrophobic? In that case, you should mention that before somebody attempts to put you into a cage, if you're an asthmatic maybe you shouldn't indulge in breath play, if you're having heart problems, don't do electrical play...

• Are there some triggers that will bring back bad childhood memories? Some people can't have their faces slapped, others freak out at a beating with a belt, verbal humiliation
• Claustrophobia or panic when being tied up
• Do you panic when you are gagged (breathing problems)
• Do you panic is somebody puts a hood on you - if so mention it
• Anxiety issues
• Playing publicly an issue (job, marriage, just feeling scared...)

• Medical issues  (allergies, heart problems, asthma, diabetic, problems with the knees or back )
• Are you on any medication
• Areas where you just can't stand to be touched
• Marks - where can you have them and how long can they last?
• Blood play and unprotected sex - until you do know your dominant really well and have a good idea about how safe they are and how much attention they put on hygiene, responsibility and sterilization, I would suggest you give that a miss. It might be sexy as hell, but what you can catch is everything but sexy...
• In case you don't want any interaction with other men, say that in advance.
• It's not very likely that somebody will spring urine and feces on you out of the blue, but in case one or both gross you out, it's worth mentioning it!

Again, in case I have forgotten something important, please let me know, this is not a complete list, just a few things to give you pointers and start to make you think about issues you might not have considered.

You also have to be quite honest with yourself about how much time can you really devote to your chosen life-style and be realistic in your expectations. If you fantasize about being submissive but once you've ejaculated it's all gone - maybe you want to think about the whole life-style thing again and stick to pros. Because most dommes won't take too kindly to you pronouncing that you are submissive and losing all interest immediately after your release, it would be a hell lot better if you are open and say you're sexually submissive or just plain kinky. Trust me, nothing wrong with just plain kinky ;)

BDSM Clubs - connect with Dommes

I said a lot about it before and I'm going to link to some blog entries I made before so I don't need to repeat myself (and bore you to tears)

It's a difficult subject, I know and meeting somebody is not easy, my first advise would be to be yourself and really meet people at munches.
In case you are online and you try to talk to people, here are some traps to avoid when contacting a domme
You can be respectful and polite without turning into a sniffeling worm, and dommes tend to be not too attracted to guys who present themselves as worthless worms

In case you just discovered BDSM, you might be really overwhelmed and want to tell everybody about it but I'd advise you to think it through before you out yourself, once you're out of the closet, you can't go back in.
Also have reasonable expectations, don't get confused by labels and don't think everything is like in books or porn, don't expect to be coddled, you're looking for a domme and not a surrogate mom

In case it's just the occasional urge and you're happy with seeing a pro domme from time to time, go with that but do not fall into the trap of thinking it's a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship...
Don't fall in love with a Pro-Domme

So if you book a session, let her know what you want and respect her boundaries and don't get hung up on what to wear and keep your expectations in check, a perfect session requires not just a good domme but also a good chemistry. At one point we were all new to BDSM, but even if you're not, check this out it might make things easier for you and the domme!

Meeting a pro domme is not difficult, you find one who appeals to you and you contact her, after you read her website and after you checked out how to avoid putting your foot in!

Now meeting life-style dommes might be a bit more difficult, but you HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, most dommes are really not computer warriors who want to play cyber games, if you want to do that, do us all a favour and go to Niteflirt or another site, it's work and those women should be compensated for it. Basically you are not looking for a real relationship, you are looking for somebody who's wank fodder for you - there are plenty of free sites out there, if you can't find what you are looking for on the internet and you need to bug somebody, sorry buster, pay for it. No woman owes you to be a fetish delivery system for free!

So once you finally dared to venture out and go to some munches or parties, I gave you a few hints how to behave, in short, the same way you would behave if you would be around people who aren't kinky, just be polite and respectful.
It can't be said often enough: Dommes are women first and we want to be treated like women, not fetish delivery systems!
In short if you don't appeal to us as a woman first, you won't appeal to us as as dommes, so work on the charms and be polite without being a sniffeling menace who bugs us!

Let me make you a list:

1. Be polite and charming, behave like a gentleman!
2. Conversation is important! In case you don't have anything to say, think about a few themes that might interest women too, you might be passionate about your stamp or coin collection, but it's a fair bet most women aren't.
3. Compliment them, but don't go over board with sleazy stuff.
4. A good conversation starter are outfits and toys "Excuse me, I noticed your <item of clothing, toy, etc> can I ask you were you found it? Never seen one like that...."
5. Stand out from the crowd... Chances are there are at least 5 guys for every woman there, you don't want to be the 15th guy who offers to buy her a drink, offer her a crop (you can buy very cheap but high quality crops at equestrian stores)
6. Be honest, seriously, don't lie about your experience, especially if you have none, sooner or later it will come out anyway and if she can't trust you being honest about your experience, she'll possibly figure that she can't trust you at all and you messed up any chance you ever had - and your mouth most likely wrote a check that your ass can't pay.
7. Know your limits - sounds easy, you may even think you have none, so let me bring a few things up that might make you change your mind: lasting marks (scars, tattoos), feces, knifes, electrical play, breath play... I get to that later and give you a few pointers how you can find out in advance... People come into the lifestyle at any point of their lives, nobody was born with the knowledge, so letting somebody know that you aren't experienced doesn't count against you, some even might view you as "unspoiled".
8. Don't think you are experienced because you read a bit about BDSM or you"served" somebody online. There is a world of difference between typing you serve somebody a drink and actually serving somebody.
9. Don't pester dommes to play with you, you can mention that you would be delighted to play if she wishes (again, before that happens you tell her your limits or tell her that you're a newbie) and then leave it up to her. Dommes don't tend to be shy wallflowers, she'll let you know...
10. Know yourself, by that I mean don't get carried away, even if you see something you REALLY REALLY like, do not just go and touch, very bad idea... (I know, should not have to be said but unfortunately it has to be said because it happens)
11. Tolerance! Don't bitch about somebody's fetish, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to you, your fetish possibly looks just as ridiculous to somebody else! Live and let live!
12. In case I left something out - please let me know, this is a work in progress!

A lot of it is just common sense and you possibly have figured it out all yourself but in a situation like being in a BDSM club or at a BDSM party, it's easy to forget.

A simple example, I used to go to a Fetish Club in Munich, always pretty full but usually a lot more guys than women, in short it was pretty hard for the guys to meet women or get noticed by them, and to be honest as a woman, you got pretty annoyed after a while when every few minutes a guy came up to you and wanted to "serve" you, the service was usually a kinky interaction for THEIR enjoyment, because seriously, why would I want to exchange my comfy chair to sit rather uncomfy on some guys back, because he wanted to be objectified as a chair, couldn't be a foot stool, had to be a chair... How the hell is he serving me if I'm uncomfortable? Another domme was a non-smoker, a guy insisted on lighting a cigarette for her, because he had a smoking fetish and claimed he wanted to "serve her". Service is not something that turns you on, it's something the domme wants...

Anyway, there was one guy, not outrageously attractive, rather average looking, he carried a little box with him and came over, very politely told me that he admires my boots a lot and has a boot fetish, would I allow him to shine my boots.
I was taken aback for a moment, unlike a lot of the other guys, he was so polite and he actually offered something, and while my boots were nice and not dirty, having them polished well, yeah, sure. He opened his box and had a complete set for shoe care in it, boot blackener, different brushes, even a soft cloth for a proper shine, and guess what, he did a great job. I was so pleased, I asked him if I could buy him a drink as a thank you, he thanked me and insisted on buying drinks, we had a really good conversation and he told me he just wanted to stand out from the crowd and get to know dommes without pestering them, so he figured most of them have amazing shoes and while everybody asks them to kiss their shoes, polishing them is something he never saw offered. Well, damned good thinking! He could approach basically any domme he liked, got to know her, in case she was just a rude bitch, he polished the shoes, thanked her and left.

To cut a long story short, I introduced him to a few friends (other dommes) and whenever we saw him at the club, we talked to him, because we knew him, we also played on occasion with him, his social circle broadened a lot and he never stood around or was the gooseberry.

It doesn't matter if you bring a kit for polishing shoes, if you have some good quality (but cheap) crops and you give one to the domme who caught your eye or just as a conversation starter (again, buy them in equestrian stores - very cheap), do something FOR the domme, the usual "Can I buy you a drink" doesn't make you stand out. There are a lot of ways, if you're good at arts and crafts, make something kinky, again, just stand out from the crowd...

I know I promised a BDSM check list which should help you to define your limits and likes and all of that, but I guess this entry was rather long, so it will have to wait. Stay tuned.

And if you have questions or think a blog entry should deal with something, let me know!

Women in control

This is actually more of a fun post, I stumbled over some stuff on YouTube and I thought you guys might really enjoy to see some women that are in control...

Shirley Manson, she's super cool...

Say what you want, she has guts!

Why are there....

So I opened up my FL again and guess what, yeah, there is a long rambling letter with a laundry list of what I can do to a guy for "my pleasure" and then he complains about pro dommes and life-style dommes, the former ones are all greedy whores (according to him) and the latter are mostly fat, old and unattractive (again according to him) and since he considers me not too fat, too old (duh, thought I set my profile to 86 to not attract them) or too unattractive (wonder how he can tell since all he sees is a leather corset) he decided to write me and offer himself. OH LUCKY ME...

I know it's not easy to find a life-style domme, possibly not even for casual play, but it's also not easy to find a girlfriend or a kinky girlfriend, sitting at your computer and typing with one hand won't make it easier.

First impressions count, if you come across like a whiny little cry-baby, feeling sorry for yourself and telling me how hard it is, I have an impression of you, that impression isn't flattering.

If you think you flatter me by talking nasty about other women - think again, you come over as a classless, mean spirited little creep.

So you talk about serving me, but then you have this long list of what you want me to do to you, hey, if I go for a massage, I usually pay because the massage therapist is providing a service, so if you want your ass caned, it's nothing else, spare me the "for my pleasure".

Oh yeah, and don't bemoan the fact that there are so many big women in BDSM, guess what, a lot of big women around, if you don't like them look the other way. Nobody says you have to find them attractive but if you bitch about them being there, then let me bitch about needy little creeps...

Actually, it's a bunch of wasted keystrokes, said all before

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

I'm your Domme, not your mom

A friend of mine brought that up today in a conversation, I'm jealous, that is such a great line and so true!

Guys, no ifs and no buts, unless you are into age play a good way to turn of female dominants is to expect them to coddle you, if we wanted to have children, we would have them, some of us might even have them, so really, we don't need a guy to behave like he can't tie his shoes himself and needs to be micromanaged 24/7.

If it's in a session and you both get off on it, wonderful, but I would really really freak out if somebody would expect me to micromanage him all the time, it's kinda nice having somebody with a brain, somebody you can also have a conversation with and not somebody who wants you to know when he's allowed to use the toilet (unless it's their kink - it certainly isn't mine, bowel functions are more of a turn off, we all have them but some bodily functions are in the realm of privacy, please don't over share).

Of course I am not speaking for all dommes and some might be into micromanagement, it's just not a hell lot of us are, really. Look at it practically, micromanaging you causes us a lot of work, we have to show you how something is done, we have to check that you are doing it right, we have to control you all the time, you know what? I rather do it myself, far less trouble and I don't have to bother with somebody getting underfoot.

Think about it this way, a submissive who's smart and attentive, that is sexy, that is a turn on, yup, does something for me, somebody who's dumb or dumbs down, not so much. If you'd be looking for a potential play partner or life partner, what would you be looking for? Somebody who is smart and clever, who's an asset, somebody you can be proud of, or a liability?

Say if you are a service sub, what service are you doing me if I have to watch you all the time? So I let you into my place (bit of a risk I took) and you're there and you want to be of service, I tell you to wash the dishes while I do something else and you interrupt me every 5 minutes asking me which dish you should wash first, within 30 minutes I want to throttle you and kick your ass out, and I am not talking breath play and abandonment fantasies, I'm telling you, there is nothing kinky about me being really really pissed off!

Bdsm and Guilt...

I bet you all think it's about you guys sneaking out and seeing a domme, but nope, it isn't. Completely selfish post about yours truly and the whole female guilt when it comes to BDSM...


It's not a very popular issue because everybody has this opinion of how a domme should be and all that, her inner struggles and the guilt issue is a bit of a turn off, let's face it domination is in a lot of cases all about male fantasies, especially when it comes to professional domination.

I discovered it through a boyfriend, and you know despite a certain enthusiasm on his side, I still struggled with myself and thought I was a bit weird. To be honest, I wondered if I wasn't a complete psycho. I had those fantasies before and was always feeling really guilty, like I had done something really terrible and shameful. I was actually often wondering if I am alright, if there isn't something fundamentally wrong with me.

As crazy as it sounds, training as a professional domme helped me with that internal dilemma a lot, I mean you can give consent, or you can pay somebody to do something to you. That's actually the ultimate form of consent, and in a weird way, as much as you enjoy it, you are performing a service you have been paid for. It's almost like a papal absolution.

Of course the money was welcome too, as a student every bit of my fetish wardrobe meant going without something else or doing extra shifts on the weekend in the club where I worked, covering a few more stories that brought tears of boredom to my eyes for any paper or magazine who was willing to print it and pay... Not that I made much money when I started out, when you're in training you actually don't get paid, and for quite a while afterwards you're getting paid only a fraction of the session. It wasn't a "get rich quick" or "this is easy money" scheme, well, maybe for the domme who trained me and owned the dungeon, but on the other hand, I really learned how to clean and sterilize, I prefer to see it as an investment that paid out, even if sometimes I felt like spitting nails if I had to clean up yet another room and sterilize everything, but I was far too grateful to have found somebody who wasn't giving me the old BS that I need to submit first or work as a submissive before I could "progress".

Don't get me wrong, some excellent dommes are submissives in their private lives or have started out as submissives, it's just I'm not submissive and pretending something - don't think it would have worked for me at all.

As much as everybody likes to bitch about professional domination, I am pretty sure I am not the only one who found it a relief and who managed to get over the initial guilt issue and then could enjoy being dominant.

I'm not sure where it comes from, maybe because being a sadist and enjoying to dominate is so against the grain of everything we are taught and raised with? Especially for women. Being brought up very Catholic certainly didn't help, even though I consider myself now more of an agnostic than an atheist, a lot of it still sticks with you.
Additionally, I'd like to think I'm not a cruel person, I enjoy inflicting pain to somebody who enjoys taking pain from me, yes, but I am always worried where the line is and where it might be considered abuse. If I see an injured animal, I'll take it home (last year we had a blackbird with a broken wing living with us - we had to chase a healed Ms Blackie out in the end, she enjoyed the hotel life far too much, and her two canine body guards who kept the cats away), I'm always holding doors open, volunteer for some charities and all that. My sadism seems to go against the grain of just being a decent human being, or at least it seemed for a while.

So yes, one big hooray for professional domination, because otherwise I might have ended up frustrated, confused and scared of myself.

We’re not a sub species…

We’re not a sub species…

I broached that before http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/dommes-escorts-and-everything-in-between.html and I possibly shouldn’t harp on about it, but I made the mistake of looking at MF again and reading some old posts…

Guys, I don’t care what you are into, if you like going to a strip club, seeing Dommes, maybe seeing escorts, I honestly don’t care, as long as the women don’t mind what they’re doing, I’m for one don’t mind their choice of work. I don’t believe in female superiority (unless it’s for a really hot role play), I believe in equality, I believe in freedom of choice in every way of life, that includes not dictating women what they can do with their bodies, and if a woman doesn’t mind being a porn star, an escort, a stripper, an adult model, a domme, then why on earth should I mind?

What I do mind, and I fucking mind it  A LOT, is the attitude most people have when it comes to women in the adult industry, the “We’re not a sub species” isn’t a line I came up with, somebody said it and I can’t get it out of my head, maybe because it resonates so well?

Look, whenever you purchase a service from anybody in the adult industry, no matter what, remember you’re still dealing with a human being, a woman, somebody’s daughter, sister, possibly mother – so how would you like some stranger treating your relative? Treat her the same way, I don’t care what service she is selling, she still deserves some human decency. If you think she doesn’t deserve it because you pay, then think about it this way: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS TO PAY! Maybe you should be damned better be grateful that they are out there, because your money can’t get your dick as hard as the woman can. So just show her some decency and respect! She's not a disposable item!

You know, no matter what we do in the adult industry, we're going through enough shit as it is, with clients falling in love or mad stalkers there are tons of other things, just go through the blog, maybe I should order it by themes. It would be kind of nice to be also recognized as human beings, not just a disposable item.  

End of soap box rant!

Exclusivity and Honesty…

I broached the subject before but it came up on MF again, even if it was in a slightly different context…

Let’s just assume that a guy keeps telling his Domme that he is exclusive to her and keeps on boring her out of her latex clothes by telling her how utterly devoted he is to her and that he would never ever see somebody else, she’s the only one, blah blah… (I know what you think, BS as usual).

Guy then uses “one and only Domme” as a reference when he is trying to see another Domme , of course he doesn’t tell his Domme (yeah, you know the “one and only one”) about that, and so she finds out that he’s a liar and used her name… To top it all off he even used a different name and then freaked out because she didn’t remember (yeah, if you want a reference as Joe and she only knows you as Mike….).

Result, she kicks him to the curb, other Domme also refuses to see him, dumped client first tries to pretend, both had a fight over him, because he’s so wonderful and gets blasted by both Dommes, who have no beef with each other but both don’t really fancy seeing a liar.

Mr. Dumped who decided to quit the scene, like FOREVER (drama llama alert), comes back the next day and complains loudly that he needs to find another Domme, and how tragic it is that his old Domme is losing income and a regular customer (yes, he’s talking about HIMSELF).

Am I the only one who finds it funny that he pretends to be worried about the income of somebody who doesn’t want him as a client?

Is anybody really surprised that said guy is now bugging both Dommes so much that they feel stalked?

I have my own views on exclusivity in a professional relationship, as long as you are happy with it, fine, but we aren’t married, I’m not going to stop seeing other guys for sessions, it’s your money, so it would be kinda hypocritical to expect you to not ever look at another Domme. I mean, if the sessions are great and you’re enjoying them, chances are that you don’t want to see another Domme. I’m not against it, but I see this whole exclusivity thing as a dangerous sword. Because BDSM is pretty intense and a lot of you guys go to pro Dommes because you have no other outlet, it’s condensed and pretty heady stuff. Like having a glass of wine after a long period of abstinence, it’s going to your head and it might cloud your vision.

Often enough you guys get a bit too attached and we have to disentangle, since nobody wants to have “the talk” (chances are you feel rejected and your feelings are hurt that I don’t want you for myself exclusively), I’ll be a sneaky bitch and claim that I won’t have time but there’s this marvellous other Domme and you should really see her…

Basically what you’ll realize is that we might have great chemistry, but yeah, there are other Dommes out there, that we’re not doing something magical, but that you are getting your kinks met (and hopefully I’ll have some fun – well I better do because otherwise I won’t be seeing you again, buster).

You know, I also really enjoy hearing about experiences you had with other Dommes, how you reacted and all that, it might inspire me to try something new. Or there is the chance that you really want to try something that I’m simply not into and if I’m not into it, I just won’t do it, so why shouldn’t you have that experience with somebody else?

What you shouldn’t do is lie to me about it, pretend you don’t want to see anybody else and then through the grapevine I hear who you have seen, where and when. You know what, tell me and I’ll actually might set up the date for you and I can guarantee you, a referral from another Domme WORKS, like a charm.

It’s actually in my own interest if I recommend you to somebody and it’s a great experience for you, helps you to trust me a bit more, so our sessions get better, you come back “fresh”, imagine I recommend somebody who I know you don’t like and you have a horrible session – what is going to happen is you don’t want to session for a while and you have a bad feeling about sessions in general, so I have to work much harder…

I know, I know, I am beating that old horse to death, but guys, a bit of honesty never harmed anybody…

And for exclusivity – you’re possibly married and your wife doesn’t know that you see me, not my business to judge, it’s YOUR relationship, but you’re sneaking around her – do you really need a Domme who wants you to swear fidelity to her?

Aftercare

So you are having a session and you are flying high on endorphins, pretty much like you have taken some drugs, actually endorphins are exactly that, drugs your body naturally produces. Similar to a runner’s high, I’m addicted to it, not the running, I’m a bit too busty for that, but inline skating, swimming, all that. Best feeling in the world. I once went for about 45 miles on inline skates, first to work out some frustrations from a (vanilla) job, but after about 20 miles and going through the pain barrier, I felt like I was flying and could go to the end of the world… Well the end of the world were the stairs to my flat at that time, the moment I stopped moving and sat down, I just couldn’t get up anymore, muscles locked and I crawled upstairs on all 4s, went into the bath tub and had a hard time getting out again… Luckily it was a Friday, but I think that was one weekend I seemed to have slept through completely… Oh and the pain in my legs on Monday, woahhhh….

Anyway, the endorphins released during BDSM play are similar to those released during sports, but your mental state is a bit different, you usually recover really well from a runner’s high without anything else. With BDSM it’s not just endorphins but also a lot of adrenaline, you’ve been flying high and the sensations stop, for some people that’s not a big deal, others get a sub-drop (btw there is also such a thing as top drop and it’s pretty grim) when they’re coming down to reality. OK, it’s only a chemical reaction but while you’re in the middle of it, it can feel pretty intense up to the point of feeling abandoned, depressive, not really in touch with yourself and the world.

OK, some of you don’t experience it, so just skip it, some people are in relationships and they get all the aftercare they need, if it’s not a problem, skip it.

Aftercare is mainly a problem for people who play casually or for clients at commercial dungeons.  It is pretty difficult to get proper after care after a commercial session. Now before anybody thinks this is against pro dommes, it’s not. Let me tell you a few facts:

-       If she’s an independent, chances are that she rents from somewhere, in case she is in the room longer than she booked it, they are going to charge her more, or in the worst case scenario they have already rented out the room for the next session – if the next session can’t happen, the dungeon owner will be unhappy, the other domme will be unhappy, her client will be unhappy – guess who they are going to take it out on? The domme you sessioned with! Guess who’s going to cover the costs? Exactly, the domme you sessioned with…

-       If she works in a house, if she doesn’t vacate the room in time, same thing, she could even lose her job over this.

I know aftercare is important but what does happen is, that usually people want to session around the same time, lunch break, after work, after dinner, basically whenever guys have an excuse to get away. Rents are quite high, now the rent for just a room is usually between 1/3^rd and half of the session price, dommes depend on taking the sessions within the time frame they have… They need to survive as well and pay their rents…

One of the things you should do is make sure that you are alright, even if your pro domme is not able to give you the aftercare. It’s easy to get on a high horse and demand that the domme gives you aftercare, but bear in mind you are having a professional relationship, you are paying her for the session, she’s not your life coach or your shrink.

So when you had a professional session and after you had the session you feel a bit disorientated, you are sad to the point of being depressed and close to tears, chances are that you are having sub drop, it’s a chemical reaction, being aware of it can help A LOT, just remember that it will pass, but you need to give yourself some time. In case you are prone to sub drop, give yourself some time after the session, take a walk, stop in a coffee shop and have a hot drink, maybe a light snack. Pamper yourself.

Try not to drive immediately after your sessions if you’re feeling low. Have a little ritual that helps you, make sure you clean yourself up, grab a drink – a non-alcoholic one would be good, water is excellent. Chances are you sweated a bit, you need to rehydrate, have a little walk.

A hot drink like a hot tea or chocolate will make you feel more comfortable, your favourite fruit, a small snack. It would help if you have comfortable clothes you can change into, have a hot bath, curl up with a good book.

Of course TLC is the best aftercare, one of the reasons why dommes often hug you when they are saying goodbye, it helps you to get you back to real life, gives you the “human touch” that will sustain you a bit. Remember we are not mind readers, we do not really know how you are going to react after a session.

In case you are having THE DROP, you need to be aware of it, you need to make allowances for it, if you know it’s going to happen and you are mentally prepared for it, it will hit you a lot less hard. Do whatever you need to do to feel good, breathing exercises are especially good, music, whatever works for you. Sub drop can cause your body a lot of stress, it’s not the first time that you experience stress, so you know what usually works for you. An idea might be to simply book a quick head massage – usually not too expensive in most cities – a while after your session and just enjoy being touched and relaxed.

In case you are having medical issues like diabetes, monitor your glucose levels closely and make allowances for that after your session. If you are feeling confused or not yourself DO NOT DRIVE.

We’re all adults, most of us have had the blues before, we’ve dealt with depressions and know what usually works for us, so just being prepared and having a few simple feel good rituals will usually work. In case you know your session will be more intense, you need to give yourself more time.

It would be a good idea to let the domme know and maybe arrange a time when she is not busy and can give you more aftercare, maybe be the last session of the day and then go for a drink together, so you’re still in her company and she can help you to come down….

More gender bending tips...

A bit more cross dressing help here…

I already told you that you need some clothes and until you have the perfect idea what your size is, keep it stretchy, looking like a sausage ready to burst isn’t a good look, doesn’t matter if you’re a biological woman or if you want to look like one, or if you just like wearing women’s clothes. In case you have an athletic build (lucky you) bulging biceps just don’t work when you’re trying to be feminine, same with the beer gut or hairy legs, I get to that later.

Shoes, not too high as you want to walk in them, in the pervious blog entry I talked about how to find shoes, the right size and heel height, so check that out, same goes for the wigs most of you will need. Again, eBay and other online stores are your friend if you are afraid to go shopping…

A few hints how to get more out of your session or how to enjoy a bit of cross dressing on your own… 

If you just like the transformation, I would recommend looking online for an open minded make-up artist, maybe somebody who is just starting out. Everybody needs a bit of extra in this economy and it’s a lot cheaper to see the make-up artist than to see a domme, apart from that, you can learn a lot from a make-up artist and that might cut down the time the domme takes until you’re ready, so you’re not paying for an hour and get maybe 30 minutes of play time out of it because getting you ready will take that long, you can get ready on your own and get more play time.

One thing that is super important is have a close shave, as close as you can get, stubbles under makeup don’t look great. 

If possible, have a good shave elsewhere too, as I said before, the Brazilian rain forest is only beautiful as the lung of the planet, not in your underpants… As for legs, well, hairy legs aren’t very feminine, now if you can’t shave your legs for some reason, try stockings or a pantyhose that is dark and thick (the higher the DEN – denier – number, the more opaque it is), go for at least 60 or 80 DEN, or support stockings. Additionally, thick stockings will also not rip quite as easily, so you’ll have them longer. When it comes to size, again be generous, models usually take their tights a size larger than they need because they don’t rip all that easy. If you’re a big guy, look online for female plus sizes.

You want a pair of breasts? You possibly think that I am joking, but get a bra and some balloons. The balloons you fill up with water and put them in the bra, this will also give you a good idea how female breasts feel and how much we girls carry on our chests… Of course you can get the plastic inlays and all that, but they tend to be much more expensive and you can’t experiment much with the size. Rule of thumb is, the bigger and broader you are, the more you can get away with big boobs, if you're slight of build and you try the balloons with gallons of water, you end up looking like that poor Lolo Ferrari. Though you can get bras relatively inexpensive on eBay, it can be a lot of fun to experiment with different breast sizes.

A little hint how to have breasts that are both the same size, don't rely on eye measurements, get a jug (no pun intended) with approximate measures and pour in the same amount in each balloon, or else you end up looking like a partially deflated inflatable doll - again, not a good look.

For a CD or TV to find a fitting bra, the underbust is the most important thing, that’s the number, so you basically measure where the band of the bra would go, check with the list which size you need and then check which cup size you want. The cup size is the letter. B and C are “regular” female bust sizes, if you want to  have big boobs, go D or DD, but your back won’t thank you ;)

Again, you can get a lot of bras online at sites like eBay and such, if you are worried about going into shops and getting measured.

The following 2 links will tell you how to find your ideal underbust size, which is the most important thing in a bra, and lucky guys, you can pick your own cup size and don’t have to worry about surgery…

http://www.silkcocoon.co.uk/index.cfm?page=size.cfm#stp1

http://www.dollhousebettie.com/index.php?option=com_myblog&Itemid=0&lang=en&show=198

BDSM and betrayal

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The theme comes up from time to time if it is betrayal if somebody is married and sees a pro domme, if you want to have everything in black and white and no shades of grey or colours exist in your world, then it’s of course a betrayal, unless you have the permission of your SO.

Now only if life would always be so simple… So many people think they can suppress their craving for BDSM and it doesn’t always work this way. Falling in love often makes you think everything is possible and that you can change. It’s also possible to fall in love with a person and love somebody you share your life with, without sharing every aspect of your sexuality with that person.

If your spouse is simply not into BDSM, and you force her to do something that she hates, it’s simply wrong.  I believe forcing somebody who’s vanilla to the core to play your domme and the person hates it every second, you just build up resentment and damage your relationship beyond repair. Apart from the fact that it comes close to abuse, have you considered how your partner may feel about it?

I shouldn’t have to say it again, but I think it can’t be said enough: Somebody who isn’t into BDSM is not narrow minded, is not boring or uptight and all that, they are simply not wired that way. Just like you might not be wired to find men sexually attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, just like there is nothing wrong with us. Being different doesn’t make you right or wrong, being into BDSM doesn’t make you a better and more open minded person (if you doubt me, have a look at MF).

I’ve said before that I met the nicest and most open minded people through BDSM, and it’s true, but to be fair, I also met the scummiest racist assholes, misogynists, bigoted wankers and backstabbing, stalking dirtbags through it. All it is is a sexual preference, doesn’t make you morally superior, more open minded and all that.

Would be nice if you could trust everybody who’s into BDSM, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t! Just like with everything else you should be careful who you trust, because the real scumbags are good at hiding their identity.

Getting back to the theme, it would be preferable if you could get your spouse to have an interest into BDSM, it won’t always work and you don’t want to shock her, so be careful with what you tell her and how you tell her. Give her time to get used to it and start with VERY MILD activities.

Now in case she balks and is shocked if you bring up some very mild activities like some mild bondage, don’t push any further and just let it rest.  Pressuring her won’t help, it will be a good way to mess up your relationship.

In case you won’t be happy without certain activities from time to time, go and see a pro domme. If you know the wife would freak out, well then shut the fuck up about it. You have to be aware that your first responsibility is to your wife and your family, that’s why I said go to a pro and keep it as a business transaction, don’t fool yourself into thinking this is the new great romance and you should leave your family for her. Do your best to hide it from your wife. I know it’s not honest, but in this case, honesty would only hurt your spouse, she would start to doubt herself, wonder why she can’t be everything for you and all that. Hardly anybody can be everything for somebody else.

Here’s a very sobering thought, I know a lot of people who got married because they were BDSM compatible, and in a lot of cases the guy simply loses all clear vision, it’s almost like a sub feeding frenzy: For the 1^st time there is somebody who indulges him and satisfies his kinks, they often get so blinded that they marry in a rush, only to find out that hardly anybody can live it 24/7. It’s the equivalent of vanilla people having great sex. Sorry for being crude, but a good fuck doesn’t make somebody compatible in other aspects or a good life partner. Long term you need a hell lot more than kink compatibility and infatuation.

So in case you decided to see a pro because you would be unhappy suppressing your BDSM desires, you owe it to your spouse (in case she would be hurt to find out) to make sure she will never find out. You also owe it to your family to not deprive them of money, if you can’t afford it, skip your lunch and save up for it. I know not nice, but tell yourself that it’s part of your service if it makes it easier. Go for the cheap option. Clean out the attic or the cellar and sell a lot of the stuff you don’t need on eBay, Craig’s List or Gumtree.

Apart from that, if you feel guilty, deal with it, don’t use the excuse that you want to be honest about it and burden your wife with the knowledge. Your feelings for her don’t change, if she’s not wired to share BDSM with you, knowing about it would make her unhappy, just so you could feel a bit better about “having been honest”. All you do is burden her with it so you feel a bit better and have the excuse of being honest.

It’s not her fault that she doesn’t like BDSM, just like it’s not your fault that you like it, but you owe it to her and yourself to keep your feelings in check, don’t session like crazy and make sure your family isn’t lacking anything.

Oh and something else, if you treat her like your personal servant, expect her to do everything in the house, have your dinner on the table on time and all that -  you’re not encouraging her to be a dominant, especially if you only want her to be dominant when and however it suits you. Think about that one before you claim the next time that you’re wife is just boring vanilla!

Btw here is a pretty good video, though it must be a bit old or quite a bit away from Central London, £150 an hour doesn't seem to be realistic for London, especially for the outrageous rents there.

 

Dress Code

Guys, seriously if you wonder what to wear to a session with a pro domme, you do need a reality check. Look, you’re coming for a professional session, you’re going to spend the time naked or in bondage, do you really think we care about your fashion sense? You're not coming for a date, you're coming in for a professional session!

Let’s get this straight, you are a client, you pay, we dress up, we dominate you for about 60 minutes and you leave, your fashion choices don’t concern us half as much as your personal hygiene. Trust me, there is nothing worse than some guy who smells quite unpleasant and tried to camouflage it by an overdose of deodorant and cologne.

Personal hygiene also includes a bit of man-scaping, you know we really don’t like brillo pads down south, and the Brazilian rain forest is only beautiful as the lung of the planet. We do understand if you come straight from work and there is a difference between not showered for days and not being fresh as a daisy after a day of work. If you need to freshen up quickly, let us know or have some wet wipes with you.

 There’s nothing wrong with asking us for a cup of coffee or a drink, so in case you plan that, just be presentable, but don’t go overboard and let us know beforehand, so we also know what to wear. But if you’re just coming for a session, don’t over think it.

In case you want to impress somebody with your snappy dress sense, get dressed up for your wife or girlfriend, honestly, she’ll appreciate it a lot more than we do, and it will do your relationship a lot of good.

Now if you're going to met a life-style domme, get dressed up, wear something nice because you're aiming for a relationship. Instead of guessing, ask her where she wants to go to and dress accordingly, or ask her for her dress preferences and what she thinks she should wear. That’s a completely different issue than seeing a professional domme.

 Oh and if you're going to a fetish party, have some fetish wear, seriously, we don't want to walk around with a guy who thinks a pair of black briefs is fetish wear.

End of rant

Layouts and stuff...

I'm fiddling around trying to figure this thing out, I'm crap with the layout and it looks quite awful, really really not up to date on my technology skills, quite funny actually because I seem to recall that a certain psychopath (actually also might be a sociopath) labeled me as the super duper hacker a while ago. I guess I need to dig out the old DVDs of the Matrix and try and channel Nero a bit more, after all that's what it takes and hacking is easy, I guess that's why companies pay so much money to people checking if their sites are vulnerable... Maybe at one point I talk about the "amusing things" psychopath came up with with the aid of a bunch of prepaid mobile phones, it involved police, RSCPA (thanks for helping me to get 2nd dog asshole, instead of taking my menagerie away they offered us another Dobie, former problem child who turned out to be K's loving brother and the most gentle and goofy boy on the planet, even the cats are crazy about him), fire brigade, ambulances, calls to work (got a better job now) and more fun and games.

I was surprised how easily somebody can harass you long distance, but it's actually really simple, in the US you can buy mobile phones without any form of ID, just cash. You buy the phone for something like $10 and then a prepaid card, for an additional $10 most providers give you unlimited international calls. In Europe you need ID or at least a confirmation of your address, so the authorities here automatically assume that calls are "valid" because they're trackable, well, tracking it to a Radio Shack or Supermarket (yeah, some were purchased at RiteAid) doesn't really help. Now additionally scumbag was smart enough to wait at least a week before activating said cards - duh! CCTV footage is usually deleted every 48 hours... I was quite surprised what I learned the very hard way...

To be honest for a few months I was a nervous wreck, losing your job isn't peasant, having your other half being harassed at work with outings even less (kinda puts a strain on the relationship), but fuck it, our relationship survived and is stronger than ever, I enjoy the new things I do a lot more, I found out who my real friends are and even connected with a few people (some had the same experiences with him) that are a real addition to my life. Authorities realized he's full of crap and ignore his calls now.
What helped me most was a help group for people that are stalked, they and a fantastic therapist helped me to realize that I'm not the single victim, just his current "flavour of the month", the way he went on about it shows that he's got quite a bit of experience in harassing women.

Of course a lot of it was my own fault, I felt for the "nice guy, rough around the edges and socially awkward" shit (imagine the typical but slightly nutty old uncle who's a redneck type) and gave him my personal email... Now there's that thing called XOBNI, a small little program - due to being on a Mac and not aware of what's available for PCs (yeah, duh, embarrassing for such a super duper hacker as I am apparently, make sure I don't turn your toaster into a microwave once I watched the Matrix again - be warned), with XOBNI you just need an email address and you get all the social networks connected to that address, so yep, he had Facebook and LinkedIn, including family and work info and the games began. Yes, I changed all that, set it on private, changed email addresses but the damage was done...

I bore you a bit by telling you to PLEASE always have an alternative email address, preferable an anonymous one from Google, Hotmail or Yahoo unless you know the person really well. And don't be fooled by somebody who tends to be a bit sycophantic, in fact that should be a warning sign. I kinda feel sorry for the people nutcase is getting now friendly with. If there wouldn't be real people behind it who might get hurt, it would be amusing to see how he swarmily tries to ingrate himself with people. I hope they are more careful than I am, because seriously, can't be the savior of the world and roughly 2 years of his psycho terror were enough for me. Mind you, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd try something new...