Tuesday, 4 December 2012

BDSM Checklist

As I mentioned before, you should know your limits.

It's easy to say you don't have any limits if you have also no experience and everything seems to be so new and exciting, it's also very easy to say you have no limits when everything you've seen is BDSM porn and again, everything was very exciting and arousing, on screen not a lot of things hurt. Tell you what, in your fantasies you can take a lot of pain and it's arousing, also your knees don't hurt, you don't get pins and needles from bondage, kneeling too long oh and your endurance like your erection is endless ;)

Use a bit of common sense and have a little list ready, it helps if you find a dominant and you know what you like and what is an absolute no go. I've said it countless times but it bears repeating, dominants are not mind readers, it's your job as a sub to communicate your limits. It's a little bit like going to dinner, if you don't tell the cook that you have food allergies, they can't avoid using things that you are allergic to.

Pretty often a sub doesn't mention anything and later on it was the bad dominant who violated limits, might work once, might even work twice, but then word gets around and nobody will want to play with you anymore because you look like a professional victim instead of a fun play partner. In case the dominant knows your limit, he or she can work around them, or you can both decide in advance that you're not too well suited.

Here are a few pointers, and I suggest you make a list with all those things and write Yes / No / Maybe.
Don't worry about too many Nos, things will change and what you couldn't ever have imagined at the beginning of your journey might at one point become a maybe, or at a later point even a strong interest and it might end up as a yes, some hard limits will always be the same, and some you should actually have, because self-preservation is quite important.

Just for "shit and giggles" it might actually worth to keep the check list you have now and compare it to another check list further down the line, say in a year or two - in a lot of cases it will look really really different.

I really can't list up everything here, and I think there are more than enough BDSM checklists floating around on the internet, I found one that is quite comprehensive and printable:

Printable BDSM Checklist

The line is really comprehensive and a lot of things are in there and if it's already there, why do another one? So what I'm trying to do here is just give you something to think about and a rough idea what you have to consider.

Most of us have some triggers, some phobias, something that makes us freak out, even stuff that goes back to our childhood. It's really important to let a dominant know, because a submissive having a panic attack is a real mood killer and can be quite dangerous, also mention allergies, especially if it's something that might be part of the play (for example if you have a latex allergy).

So think about what you really fear, are you claustrophobic? In that case, you should mention that before somebody attempts to put you into a cage, if you're an asthmatic maybe you shouldn't indulge in breath play, if you're having heart problems, don't do electrical play...


  • Are there some triggers that will bring back bad childhood memories? Some people can't have their faces slapped, others freak out at a beating with a belt, verbal humiliation
  • Claustrophobia or panic when being tied up
  • Do you panic when you are gagged (breathing problems)
  • Do you panic is somebody puts a hood on you - if so mention it
  • Anxiety issues
  • Playing publicly an issue (job, marriage, just feeling scared...)
  • Medical issues  (allergies, heart problems, asthma, diabetic, problems with the knees or back )
  • Are you on any medication
  • Areas where you just can't stand to be touched
  • Marks - where can you have them and how long can they last?
  • Blood play and unprotected sex - until you do know your dominant really well and have a good idea about how safe they are and how much attention they put on hygiene, responsibility and sterilization, I would suggest you give that a miss. It might be sexy as hell, but what you can catch is everything but sexy...
  • In case you don't want any interaction with other men, say that in advance.
  • It's not very likely that somebody will spring urine and feces on you out of the blue, but in case one or both gross you out, it's worth mentioning it!
Again, in case I have forgotten something important, please let me know, this is not a complete list, just a few things to give you pointers and start to make you think about issues you might not have considered.

You also have to be quite honest with yourself about how much time can you really devote to your chosen life-style and be realistic in your expectations. If you fantasize about being submissive but once you've ejaculated it's all gone - maybe you want to think about the whole life-style thing again and stick to pros. Because most dommes won't take too kindly to you pronouncing that you are submissive and losing all interest immediately after your release, it would be a hell lot better if you are open and say you're sexually submissive or just plain kinky. Trust me, nothing wrong with just plain kinky ;)