tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15570957014776340102024-03-12T19:58:25.088-07:00Rants and Musings about BDSM and the wordWeird memoirs in a way...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.comBlogger102125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-54369752500307837702016-04-15T04:10:00.001-07:002016-04-15T04:10:14.821-07:00The last few months were eventful...Done the bone marrow donation, I'll never ever again trust a doctor who says there is some discomfort involved, what they mean is pain, though it's over really quick, it was more the shock of expecting a bit of discomfort. Afterwards a bit of sickness but again, not a bad trade off for a life.<br />
<br />
After I was back, there was a hell lot to do, then one of the dogs was badly bitten and after the surgery (they had to remove a tooth as the bite damaged the root of the tooth) he kept limping, on and off for weeks, vet thought a slipped disk, turned out being a massive tumor inside his spine, basically bone marrow cancer. We were gutted and did the right thing, we let him go gently before he started to suffer, he went with a belly full of all his favorite foods and I was blubbling like a baby at the vets. The other 2 dogs, the girl took it badly, even months later she's still searching for him and even one of the cats sometimes looks for his friend...<br />
<br />
A few weeks after that a rescue called us, if we could take in a puppy, already had 4 or 5 homes, we decided to foster (he's now a failed foster) but damned, we expected a puppy Dobie and not a dog the size of a horse and growing. Due to having spent his previous 10 months just in cages, he was absolutely hyper, also had no training. I lost quite a bit of size...<br />
<br />
A month ago, taking the dogs out, they found a homeless guy who was near fainting from hunger and cold, his hands were badly infected, he tried to find shelter and touched fiber glass, dragged him home and he's in our guest room, that's how I became aware of the massive massive problem with homelessness we have in the UK. V is healing nicely, mentally and physically and we are trying to get him back into the system. The system is fucked up, he got injured while working, then lost the job as he couldn't work, couldn't pay his rent, lost the flat, had no address so didn't get the letters and they just took him off benefits, he lived on the streets for 3 years and survived by dumpster diving. Super nice guy who's great helping me with the dogs and started to do little DIY projects we had put off and off due to a busy work life and maybe general laziness.<br />
<br />
I tweeted a bit about him, since I wasn't aware of the problem, I thought others also might not know how bad it is or how easy it is to fall through the cracks of the UK system, I found a blog of a guy who's homeless in another part of the country and blogs from the library or the homeless drop in. It's worth a read<br />
<br />
<a href="https://homelessandsad.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">https://homelessandsad.wordpress.com/</a><br />
<br />
He's done a fund raiser and with a few friends we decided that this weekend we will ask everybody to maybe have one drink less (liver and head will thank you) and donate the money to his fund, so he can rent a place and gets off the streets and from there on can get a job again, he's willing to do just about anything but without an address and obviously being homeless, not a chance.<br />
<br />
In case you want to join in (doesn't matter how little, he's so happy about people caring) I'll give you that link too, if you don't even have $5, then please do share the link and make people aware!<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.generosity.com/community-fundraising/desperately-need-help--3" target="_blank">https://www.generosity.com/community-fundraising/desperately-need-help--3</a><br />
<br />
Thanks for reading! Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-23625545538219234052015-06-26T02:59:00.001-07:002015-06-26T02:59:09.798-07:00GuttedSince my last blog post Coral died, it's been a while but I felt somewhat numb, we never had met face to face but exchanged a lot of messages, mails and phone calls over the years, just when it looked like she was catching a break, things turned bad. I know it's the nature of cancer but she was so vibrant and alive, it felt like I was sucker punched.<br />
<br />
The worst part was, I'm in LA, nobody I can really talk about it to, taking care of a friend who has considerable health problems, tons of chaos, trying to sort things out, then there is work....<br />
<br />
The oddest thing happened though, a friend's sister has leukemia, due to having mild lupus and a ton of antibodies due to hashimoto's (some weird thyroid thing where your body produces antibodies against your own thyroid hormones) and being gluten intolerant, I always thought I wouldn't be suitable as a bone marrow donor, guess what, change of thyroid medication and my antibodies are all in remission and almost non-existant and 99% of all autoimmune diseases have related antibodies, since our blood groups and a ton of other medicial stuff lines up, including the type of antibodies I used to have, it makes me such a good match that yeah, I'm going in. It sounds stupid but the fact that they can tap me for something and somebody else can live, it helps. Of course I'm scared, I could so do with a drink (even if I hardly drink) and all of a sudden smoking looks so tempting, but I worked out like a maniac, lived super healthy, I mean if I'm doing it, I want to give it the best shot I got.<br />
<br />
Sorry for the rant. I guess since day 0 is getting nearer and nearer, I'm just getting more and more nervous, I'm not going to whimp out as she is undergoing chemo in preparation for it, but shit, I'm really scared, I don't even know why.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-28384566420825835142015-05-31T05:14:00.000-07:002015-05-31T05:14:02.284-07:00Trolls on BDSM boardsSadly enough you encounter trolls about everywhere on the net, but it seems on BDSM boards seem to be a bit worse than anywhere else.<br />
<br />
Lately MF has had a huge influx of trolls, just one guy really, maybe with another idiot riding the coat tails, but a number of names.<br />
<br />
Usually it's easy to ignore them, but this time a domme was targeted in the worst way possible, having been on the receiving end of such a little campaign by some deranged stalker, I had a fair idea how alone and horrible she felt through this, it's honestly not pleasant and it can get you down.<br />
<br />
A couple of posters complained that I'm fanning the flames and I just should ignore the trolls, they do have a point, but after talking to the woman who was targeted and she said it meant the world to her that I spoke up for her, she received a ton of private messages of support, but nobody said anything in public and it was grinding her down.<br />
<br />
When it comes down to giving support to the person who's unjustly attacked, I rather take the risk of a bit of fanning, because if you are in that position, it's horrible and for the person who's under fire, a little bit of support can mean a hell lot.<br />
<br />
What I did in the end was make a post where I asked everybody to give a cheer for the domme being attacked, a ton of people joined in, she did feel better. So guys and girls, if you see some shit like that happening, some cyber-bullying or stalking, don't look away and just think ignoring them is enough, because for the victim and the abuser it looks like you're condoning their actions with silence.<br />
<br />
Just my 5 centsAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-50012379097170607942015-05-21T03:37:00.000-07:002015-05-21T03:37:30.583-07:00Back for a whileSorry, vanilla commitments have taken over again, work, family, pets, friends, we had a bunch of stuff happening so blogging had to take a backseat and instead of just ranting, I rather said nothing.<br />
<br />
Anyway, some of you might remember Coral, a great Domme, she has cancer and is not doing very well, the co-pays for the treatments literally kill her.<br />
<br />
In case any of you can find it in their hearts to donate, please do, it's possible to do it anonymously, it doesn't matter how much or little it is, just the fact that you are willing to donate might give somebody who's battling chemo and stage 4 cancer a boost, having donated an ovary to the big C, I can honestly tell you if you're battling cancer you need every boost you can get.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.gofundme.com/coralscancer" target="_blank">http://www.gofundme.com/coralscancer</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-2866533852315377372014-05-20T04:31:00.001-07:002014-05-20T04:31:48.953-07:00We're getting thereMonty's been castrated, had his hormone controlling shots, the vet recommended it, said if we wait until the testosterone wears off naturally, he might go through a rollercoaster and it could upset all the progress we've made so far, so we went with that. Of course the little bugger managed to bust his stitches, we walked him on a short leash, kept him in the house, but it didn't stop him from jumping around like crazy in our living room.<br />
<br />
The training is going well, he's settled in, he looks quite happy now and is a pushy little bugger, not coming out of his shell, he's exploding out of it. It's bedlam with 3 dogs, I need an extra hand for the fuss and strokes they demand.<br />
<br />
So yeah, not sitting around being lazy, having my hands full and managed to rehome a few other dogs.<br />
<br />
If you want to put it into BDSM terms, I'm having an alpha bitch and 2 laid back, quite submissive boys...<br />
<br />
Don't ask me about feeding and vet costs, LOL, but they're so worth it! <br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-76298118635013081422014-05-12T01:54:00.001-07:002014-05-12T01:54:37.145-07:00There's been a good reason...Again, sorry that I was silent for a while, but I was simply swamped with vanilla work and a new member of the family, we managed to pull a dog who was due for PTS from the pound via an animal charity.<br />
<br />
A long trip to another part of the UK for H, somebody held the boy for us, he arrived in the middle of the night with a Dobie cross that brought tears to everybody's eyes, it looked like a dog skeleton covered in moth eaten fur. Apparently he was 6 or 7 and neutered, well, he's due to be neutered on the 15th, and I had booked him into the vet for the next day, and according to our vet about 3, maximum 4, he was just in a terrible state. The poor guy had cigarette burns on his balls, his legs, the vet also found evidence (scars) of him being shocked with a cattle prod, old injuries and fractures that healed by themselves, he was parasite ridden, severe chemical burns on his anus and colon, apparently they put something up his butt to make him aggressive, as he was apparently used for illegal hunting.<br />
<br />
Apart from work, most of my time was really dedicated to get the poor boy back to health, my 2 Dobies adopted him and help with training, he came with no commands, wasn't house trained, but we're getting there. He's slowly learning how to live with cats (luckily he hates water spray and does about everything for affection), once he's castrated he'll calm down even more, but we had to put that on the backburner, as the vet said he was too weak and wouldn't survive a surgery.<br />
<br />
We originally planned to just foster him, but he's such a little heart breaker and has bonded so much with us and our lot, that it looks like he's becoming a permanent fixture.<br />
<br />
Of course this happened right on the heels of being diagnosed gluten intolerant, which required a few major life-style changes, a few work things that needed immediate attention - so it never rains, it always kinda pours...<br />
<br />
It's been a bit of a rocky road with both H and myself ending in the ER, simple accidents of new boy Monty lunging for the cat and we got our hands in between, but again, a good trainer and working with a dog can solve almost every problem. Can't blame the dog for something some horrible abuser programmed him to do and the deprogramming works just fine. I got some furs and a teddy bear, he learned to not lunge at small fury things that move and gets rewarded with cuddles and praise and it does work like a charm.<br />
<br />
Now what I would really like is to find the ex-owner, have some private time with him and a cattle prod, and a good alibi... And nope, it wouldn't be kinky in the slightest...<br />
<br />
Anyway, here's Monty, how he arrived and how he looks now. Amazes me how humans can abuse an animal so badly and the animal still trusts...<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-7331988509637379872014-04-21T14:39:00.000-07:002014-04-21T14:39:16.886-07:00Here we go again...I'm asking in a very undomly fashion for a fave, in case it floats your boat, I'll command it...<br />
<br />
It's a simple click, an animal charity I volunteer for entered a picture of 2 of their dogs in a competition. Please vote for them (anonymous) and share on all sorts of social media to get people to vote for them.<br />
<br />
The charity is run exclusively by volunteers, you can vote once every 24 hours. They need the money desperately to stay open and so pets that were chucked out (you know idiots who thought it would be cute to get an animal for xmas and now decided how inconvenient it is, they just abandoned them) find homes, get neutered, get their shots, get fed and all that...<br />
<br />
No money goes to anybody working for them, it all goes to the animals, it's a click and takes seconds, please do vote for them and share on all of your social media!<br />
<br />
<span data-reactid=".31.1:3:1:$comment294666720691119_297534577071000:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$text0:0:$0:0" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.222222328186035px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 17.066667556762695px; orphans: auto; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"></span></span><a href="http://bit.ly/1gMn1ve" target="_blank"> http://bit.ly/1gMn1ve</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-32576575863518631732014-04-16T02:29:00.003-07:002014-04-16T06:45:01.163-07:00BDSM and PTSD (from a femsub's POV)<style>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US"><i>After Phil's article about <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/phil-beck-depression-and-bdsm.html" target="_blank">Depression and BDSM</a></i> <i>I talked to a female online friend I've been talking to for a while, she mentioned PTSD a few times and certain triggers and how she's able to live with it, but it wasn't easy. I asked her if she would feel comfortable writing about it, because a lot of people in BDSM seem to suffer from PTSD. </i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US"><i>ShiftyW (the author), is a female submissive and after talking for a while, her story can possibly help a bunch of people suffering from a similar condition.</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US"><i>Like depression, PTSD is something that can happen to just about anybody, there's nothing shameful about, as ShiftyW says, it has to be considered as seriously as a back problem or any other health problem.</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US"><b>I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2010. It was a
result of a date rape that happened in 2006.</b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">In 2006 I was a college freshmen,
who had moved to Philadelphia from a small rural New England town. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I was a virgin. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I was dating someone who I considered
myself close with. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I knew I was into kink years before this,
but wasn't really ready to explore that, or even ready to have sex. But my date
didn't listen when I said no, and overpowered me. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I lived in the same dorm as him for a year,
and he would constantly intimidate me into not telling anyone. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I went to the clinic alone to get tested
for STD's and pregnancy, which both came back negative, thankfully. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">He ended up flunking out of school and I
haven't seen him since freshmen year. But the damage had been done. <br />
<br />
<b>The next three years became a spiral of worsening symptoms of PTSD.</b> At one
point I wouldn't sleep through the night because I was constantly checking
locks and looking behind doors in our apartment for someone hiding, all night
long. I became promiscuous. I would go through bouts of depression and shame
that would basically cripple my emotional capacity for days. I would
obsessively get tested for HIV- even if I hadn't had a new partner for months,
I was at the clinic every three weeks. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I dated jerks. I had no self worth or self
esteem. I constantly had intrusive obsessive thoughts about what I would do if
I were kidnapped or raped, with a lot of "scenario running". I was
fiercely secretive about all this. <br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The worst symptom was being afraid to
say no. I had some pretty faulty logic going on that basically was "If I
don't say no, no one can rape me or abuse my consent again".</b> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">At this point, I was more into kink, and it
was a problem. I didn't really know how to set limits, and doing so made me
wildly insecure. Being a bottom, I took a lot of pride in pleasing my partners-
the feelings of inadequacy and the fear of not being able to say no to something
I really did not want to do made my sex life, and my interest in kink, pretty
treacherous. I ended up in some dangerous situations, that I am fortunate to
come out of relatively safely. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">I
got help after a particularly shameful and scary one night stand. <br />
</span></b><span lang="EN-US"><br />
<b>In therapy I learned how important respecting my own mental illness and limits
really was. It’s a hard lesson, honestly.</b> I think bottom types have a hard time
feeling that they are not all they want to be for their counterparts. I felt
this pretty strongly. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">Because my rapist had only valued me for
sex, it had a strong effect on my own view of my self worth, and I felt that if
I couldn't do more extreme kink things that I really wasn't any good in the
sack and I should just get over it, because it was really the only reason
someone would want me anyways. I had to change my thinking. I've since realized
that the way to the best relationships is a mutual respect of each others
limitations, and finding someone whose limits align with mine. If they don't,
unfortunately, that person may not be for me. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">If "rape play" is
really important to a top and it is a requirement for them, no matter how
attracted to him I am, I really need to assess if I actually want to be
involved with someone who values that type of play over my mental well being. <br />
<b><br />
Secondly - limits are limiting.</b> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I have to understand if a top chooses to reject
me because I'm not what they are looking for. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">Initially- I had a really hard time with
rejection, because I felt inadequate and as if all I was good at, wasn't good
enough. I had to learn that I'm just not compatible with some people, and
that's OK. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">It’s
OK to not be into medical play or knife play. I also had to learn to reject
people myself. </span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">Saying no to someone's advances was really
hard and scary. Sometimes, people get really mad when they are rejected, and I
was pretty fearful of that anger. With my therapist we practiced ways of saying
no, which I realize sounds kind of silly, but it was absolutely necessary for
me. I had a really hard time, and still have a hard time with it. It makes me
nervous that someone won't respect it, and violate my consent again, but I'm a
much happier person when I'm doing things that won't trigger me, or send me
into a depression. <br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I also had to give up a few kinks I was
really interested in. </b>Public play and even some educational events are
really off the table for me. Even if I have a strong exhibitionist streak in
me, those situations make me too anxious and hyper vigilant to really enjoy
myself.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">Perhaps someday I can return to those things, but for now, I
feel that they would overwhelm me and frighten me. Other things I will only do
with folks whom I love and trust, and it usually takes a while for me to get to
that point with someone. TPE was something I was interested in, but after
having a terrible experience with it before, it is not something I feel capable
of, I clearly have some issues with control, and I feel it isn't something that
sets myself or my partner up for success. However, I'm willing to discuss it if
someone right came along. <br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I take precautions now, that I feel
anyone with a mental illness should consider taking. I treat my mental illness
as seriously as I do a physical one. I make sure who I am with is aware of my
condition, and signs that it bothering me. I also make sure that if I
disassociate, the person I'm playing with knows full and well the signs of this
and to stop, even if I don't safeword. </b></span></span><br />
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I use safewords, without shame, if I end up
in a dangerous headspace. If a top doesn't believe in safewords, or gives me a
lot of grief about not "really being in physical danger"- I don't
play with them. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I make sure my partners know about the
possibility of me getting triggered, and what that looks like. I negotiate my
limits really thoroughly so that someone is made aware of what is more likely
to set me off. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US">I have of course, been told by doing this I
am trying to "top from the bottom"- but I don't view putting my own
mental safety first as "topping from the bottom"- me explaining my
limits and PTSD is an effort to make BOTH of us feel good at the end of it, and
protect myself from further trauma, if someone views me saying "Medical
play and needles are a hard limit, full stop" as topping from the bottom,
they are probably not someone I should play with. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Advocating
and making aware your partners is the most important thing I thinks someone who
suffers with mental illness can do. <br />
</span></b><span lang="EN-US"><br />
I have found an excellent partner. We have been together for nearly 4 years.
Our interests align and he is wildly supportive. I realized that he was someone
who valued me beyond my sexuality or kink. He has come to therapy appointments
with me. He knows if I'm getting triggered even before I do. He knows to anchor
me down in the present and bring me out of the panic or disassociation. He
constantly has my PTSD in consideration when topping me. Learning to adapt my
kink and advocate for myself, through therapy, played a huge role in finding
the right person. Sometimes it’s still a pain. Sometimes I can take all the
precautions and I'll still get triggered. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">I
just have to respect the power of my own illness, and consider it as seriously
as I would a back problem.</span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-37181768831773915872014-04-09T10:03:00.001-07:002014-04-16T06:46:32.082-07:00Phil Beck - Depression and BDSM<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">As announced, Phil Beck graciously agreed to do a blog post about BDSM and depression, as we both noticed that people with mental health issues on both sides of the whip are often drawn to BDSM. Please let me stress again, we both believe that mental health issues don't mean being "crazy", it means somebody needs help, and mental health issues are possibly widely misunderstood. </span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Depression is often not properly diagnosed, it's important that you do your part to help your health professional to identify the source of it, instead of just relying that he will prescribe you something, but Phil gets into those issues.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">While BDSM will NOT and SHOULD NOT replace therapy or medication and a proper diagnosis, if it makes you feel better and helps you to get through, there really is no reason to give up BDSM!</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">While Phil Beck is not a health professional, he does live with chronic PTSD and major depressive disorder and managed to pull through and is kind enough to share his experiences:</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Disclaimer: I am not a professional and this blog post is not
professional advice. If you are currently facing a life threatening
situation stop reading now and contact your local emergency services
provider. <br /><br />Do you think you have depression? In general the
difference between 'being depressed' and 'having depression' is about
the length of time that the symptoms are ongoing. If your symptoms
persist daily or most of the day for at least two weeks then you may be
eligible for a diagnosis of depression. Key symptoms include fatigue or
loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, impaired
concentration or indecisiveness. Not sleeping enough or sleeping too
much, loss of interest in activities that you once enjoyed, thoughts of
death or suicide, significant weight loss or weight gain, depressed
libido, a sense of restlessness or being slowed down and a depressed
mood during most of the day. <br /><br />Depression can be the result of
imbalances of chemicals in the brain known as neurotransmitters. But it
can also be the result of other physical or exogenous problems including
dysfunction of the thyroid gland, low levels of vitamin D, lack of
physical activity, reduced exposure to sunlight, and hormonal
imbalances. Middle aged men for example can suffer low levels of
testosterone that can bring on depression like symptoms. All the
antidepressant drugs under the sun won't fix it if the cause is
hormonal (reduced testosterone for men or menopause, peri- or post menopause for women). </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>When and if you decide to see a doctor about your concerns it is
important to have complete blood work done to check for all of these
issues and be honest about your lifestyle and habits. There is no point
in going on psychoactive drugs if you don't need them. </u><br /><br />However,
if these other potential causes can not be pinpointed, then there is a
good chance that your depression can be helped through the use of anti
depressants. Though medication alone is not the only answer. Research
has clearly documented that medication combined with talk therapy, both
one on one and group, offers better results with shorter depressive
episodes and fewer recurrences. In our pop-a-pill society, taking the
time to work through therapy is sometimes considered a undue burden, but
it clearly helps in most cases. In particular, a type of therapy called
cognitive behavioral therapy has been proven to be effective in
treating depression in the majority of cases. There are other types of
therapy, but this one is widely practiced and is considered by most
professionals as the first, best choice for people living with
depression. <br /><br />There are many coping skills that you can employ in
recovery from depression that require no professional help and come
without a high price tag. The absolute best decision you can make when
suffering with depression is getting out of the house and exercising. It
doesn't need to be a complex circuit plan at the gym or even something
that is highly demanding at all. Walking for a half hour a day can make a
huge difference. Physical activity helps the brain to elevate levels of
a chemical called dopamine and dopamine is important for making you
feel good about yourself. So if you do nothing else all day, making that
one choice can have a dramatic effect on how you think and feel about
yourself. Other steps that you can take include keeping a journal and/or
a thought log, making regular contact with friends or family to talk,
limiting stimulant usage like coffee or cigarettes, increasing exposure
to full spectrum light by using special light bulbs, taking vitamin D
supplements if your doctor recommends them, eating a balanced diet,
practicing good sleep hygiene, learning and doing deep breathing
exercises and limiting your exposure to media that may cause you to feel
weepy or sad. Try watching comedies instead or listening to up tempo
music. <br /><br />In the world of BDSM much like any other segment of
society there has long been misunderstanding and ignorance about people
living with depression. This is not surprising is it? We are playing
around with some pretty heavy mental stuff already and adding in the
complexities of depression and triggers can be scary and frankly, it can
be dangerous. But with depression that is managed and understood the
potential for real damage can be minimized and can be fit within the
parameters of Risk Aware Consensual Kink or R.A.C.K. Perhaps it seems
obvious, but full disclosure is really necessary for anyone with
depression. It is the ethical way forward in negotiation for a scene. It
makes the potential for a great scene even better because everyone is
well informed and able to react appropriately in case things go
sideways. For me, as a submissive, knowing that my dominant play partner
is aware of my depression and potential triggers makes me feel more
free to drop into sub space because I can trust my partner more rather
than feeling like I have to be the one managing the situation. <br /><br />In
the past nine years, as I have progressed through therapy for my
depression, I have also been exploring my kinks along the way. I was
fortunate to have a therapist who was open minded and supportive of my
kink life. That is an important element of therapy, finding someone who
is compatible with you. You are the one doing the hiring, you are hiring
a partner to work with on a long term project. Don't be afraid to sift
through a few different people before you settle on the right one. As I
explored more and more of my kink life I found new triggers for my
depression and was able to talk them over with my therapist. I would
then go back to those points where I got stuck in kink and find ways to
push myself past those triggers. Kink became a vehicle for personal
growth in my life and a tool for decreasing the severity and frequency
of my depressive episodes. <br /><br />Both bondage and sensation play, not
only impact play but sensual play and other sensation, has always been
an element that attracted me in kink. As I progressed in therapy I began
to explore sensation play in more detail and discovered that it could
serve as a balm for my depressive episodes. I am not suggesting that I
could ever 'cure' my depression with sensation play, and i certainly
never went off my meds or treatment plans because I though sensation
play was the solution. But it was a complementary form of self-treatment
that I found to be successful. In particular, I found comfort and
safety in the feel of certain forms of bondage combined with heat and
cold sensation. I also found emotional and physical release through
being flogged. Impact play like flogging or other forms of sadism can
cause the release of endorphins and other chemicals that help us to feel
good. I would sometimes cry after a flogging session was completed, and
a dominant partner, since I informed them in negotiation about this
being a potential result, was typically willing to comfort me for a
while in aftercare. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Although I have only done it once so far, I found
being wrapped or mummified with vet wrap to be a very liberating
experience with regard to my depression. Being totally immobilized in
that way made it possible to release my concerns about the outside world
and my sense of emotional well being somehow began to rise up as I
began to sink into a trance like state. I am still not exactly sure how
that particular experience worked its magic, but I know it helped and I
want to do it again. In general bondage is a emotionally liberating
situation for me. I am helpless, and have submitted my life an safety to
my dominant partner, all that I really have left to do is focus on my
emotional state and I am free to meditate and zero in on the feelings
that make me happy. <br /><br />This is all stuff that works for me. Your
experiences may be different. I know one person who escapes her
depression by sitting in a cage. I know another person who deal with
depression symptoms through the application of staples in her back and
other more extreme forms of masochism. The point of all of this is that
it is possible to find your own avenues of healing through BDSM. But the
first and most important thing to do is get a diagnosis and deal with
the underlying cause of your depression. There is no shame in getting
diagnosed and no shame in going on medication or into therapy. In the
United States, when you include everyone who deals with a mental health
issue at some point in their lives the number becomes rather large, a
vast majority in fact. Mental health parity is arriving now. People are
tearing down stigma brick by brick. So get the help you need from
professionals first. And then, if you are into BDSM, and you want to see
if you can find other forms of release through that, take it slow,
negotiate openly, and see how it works for you. Keep an open dialog with
your therapist about what you are doing and why. Limit and be informed
about the risks you take. You might find some great outlets for your
emotional pain through this wonderful world of kink. </span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Phil Beck</span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I asked Phil to write something for me after we had a discussion about BDSM and mental health issues on a <a href="https://kinkytoo.com/forum/medical-safety/97-living-the-lifestyle-with-mental-illness" target="_blank">forum</a> and I was impressed with how clear he was able to verbalize concerns and how well informed he is. I'm surprised how quickly he managed to get this article together. Many thanks for that!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In case you want to visit his blog (he's just setting up shop) go here: </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="http://unbrokenchain2014.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a>
<a href="http://unbrokenchain2014.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">http://unbrokenchain2014.blogspot.com/ </a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-9727567484973394312014-04-08T14:31:00.005-07:002014-04-08T14:31:52.038-07:00Hold on tight<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Not there, you perv, take your hands off ;)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just dealing with a bunch of health issues, mainly to do with a gluten intolerance or sensitivity, which is not a lot of fun and they keep stabbing me, (don't they know I like to be on the not so pointy end of needles) and take a ton of blood, surprised that I got any left... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">On the bright side, I am working with somebody on a blog entry that I think is pretty important as it deals with BDSM and mental health issues. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Please let me add a disclaimer, I do NOT believe that being into BDSM is a mental health problem, but I do believe a lot of people who have mental health problems are drawn to BDSM, and I do NOT believe that mental health issues mean that anybody is crazy or dangerous, it just means that they need more help (medication, therapy, etc) and while BDSM can be a crutch, a lot of people will still need professional help.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I hope it can remove the stigma of "mental health" because essentially by labelling them crazy means nothing else than labelling a diabetic as a "freak".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So bear with me, while I get stabbed, tested, work and in the meantime work with a great person on a blog update!</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-63957589826613864972014-04-01T08:54:00.001-07:002014-04-02T05:05:41.934-07:00BDSM Boards and Forums<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There are a ton of BDSM boards all over the net, they're all a bit different and it always depends what you are looking for.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now let me give you a word of warning before you join any BDSM discussion board, just like if you're engaging with people on the internet you don't really know, have a separate email just for that. Inconvenient, I know, but hey, a bit of inconvenience might not be a bad thing! Tons of web based emails around, from gmail to hotmail, yahoo, you name it. Easy to set up, go and do it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It also makes a lot of sense to have different passwords, I'm not saying that the people who run the boards are untrustworthy, but again, if you are joining random boards to get your wank material, you don't really know about the people, you don't know how secure their server is, better safe than sorry.... Really not that much work and depending what you store on your email, you want to keep yourself protected.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">OK we got that covered (if you don't listen, don't complain later, OK), now if you're joining any discussion board, it's like a pub or a bar, you don't storm in and tell everybody what they're doing wrong, OK. If you do, don't wonder if you're getting flamed. Read a bit around before you jump in and put your foot in, just like pubs the atmosphere is a bit different in each of them and the tone is a bit different.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In case you get flamed, just shrug your shoulders and remember it's online, why would you want to get upset about it? Seriously, I use the internet a lot for work, but if I want to hang out, I prefer a place that doesn't upset me and there is always the option of just logging off and going for a walk. Something I tend to do regularly, and I can tell you, does me a hell lot more good than hanging around on a forum and arguing with idiots.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You can make good friends on boards, but just like a bar, you don't go into a bar to find friends, you go there to socialize a bit, not to expect to find your future best friend or life-partner.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There are a bunch of Forums about, but if you're a guy and you look for a partner, none of it will be easy, so just bear that in mind and see it more as a social club:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="https://fetlife.com/" target="_blank">FetLife</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's a good place with almost everything, the thing that I think it's lacking is discussion boards that flow and navigating around can be a bit difficult.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.maxfisch.com/thehang" target="_blank">MaxFisch</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It mainly deals with professional domination, if you're looking for a pro-Domme, it might be a good place to look, though the majority of male posters don't really session, one of the all time grievances is that guys who don't ever session try to tell dommes what they should do and why they shouldn't charge... Tons of dramas, a bunch of bullies and a few posters who are well, not really well adjusted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.collarchat.com/" target="_blank">CollarChat</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's basically the discussion side of <a href="http://www.collarme.com/" target="_blank">CollarMe</a>, the chat is more just chat, while the profile site (CollarMe) is more like a meat market. I used to enjoy it quite a bit but recently the moderators were all fired and it seems somebody who's support has taken over, the only issue I have with that is that it came to light that this person tends to be overly interested in the content of people's mail boxes, not for any valid reasons but just to satisfy curiosity. It feels a bit creepy and so I decided to give it a long break, just simple privacy issue concerns and I might be a bit sensitive due to my stalker issues.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.smplace.com/forum/" target="_blank">SM Place</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's alright there, a bit slow, but just a bit too focused on pics and wank material, so not really my cup of tea.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.kinkytoo.com/" target="_blank">Kinky Too</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A new forum and a work in progress, the owners are trying to make it pretty much a mixture of all other forums and include kinky people too, as not everybody fits into the parameters of BDSM. On some BDSM forums you really always have the "purists" who try to drive everybody away who don't fit in. So the aim of this forum is to be a bit welcoming to everybody. In case you want to help and shape a forum, now is the time to get on board.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Edit: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Somebody mailed me with <a href="http://www.allstardoms.net/forum/" target="_blank">AllStarDoms</a> another forum that is focused on FemDommes, haven't been there for ages and can't tell you much if it's going slow or fast, but definitely one to check out. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There are countless other BDSM forums on the net, just google for them, the weather at the moment is far too nice for me to check out a lot of forums and I'm taking the dogs for a long walk and a think, as there is also this annoying thing called "work".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now in case you do know of a good forum and would like to have it included, just shoot me a mail and I'll update.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-59350852657436517522014-03-29T18:30:00.000-07:002014-03-29T18:30:58.993-07:00Mind Fucks - 50 Shades Of Fear<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Somebody started a discussion about mind fucks, in the end it turned out that he didn't mean a mind fuck in a scene, fear play, but mental domination in the form of using female wiles, turned out he meant more obedience training or behaviour modification.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Of course I misunderstood terribly and gave examples of mind fucks in scenes, which is something I just love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now let me use a disclaimer first, in a relationship, mind fucks have no place, I would find them wrong, dishonest, manipulative and just fairly disgusting. Not that I am super moralistic, but I'm simply too freaking lazy to pretend, what you see is what you get, it's fairly easy, nobody needs to waste time. If you don't like what you see, well, move on, I'm not right for you and honestly, I just can't be bothered to wear a mask and pretend to be somebody I'm not. Far too much effort and I'm a lazy bitch. I'm not above a snark and sometimes follow it up with a bite that takes out a chunk, call it my personal charm...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In a relationship, I don't want to play cloak and dagger, I want to be able to take somebody at face value, and that's it. I can deal with people who tell me I'm an a-hole, great, we got that out of the way, we don't need to pretend we're best friends, we can avoid each other and be civil, cool beans. What I can't stand is the fake friendliness (the one big complaint I have about LA - apart from the traffic jams).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The funny thing is, people tend to like me or hate me, and hey, that's cool with me! As long as I know where I stand, really no issue...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But back to mind fucks, in a scene, yeah, I do love them because they are fun and I can get off on the fear. I actually had a talk about some of the mind fucks I did with H, and apart from cringing and yelling "Shit, I had no idea what a sadist you are - don't ever do that with me, go and find somebody who gets off on it, I don't mind, but no, no fucking way..." (which made me laugh) he giggled like a girl and almost wet his pants.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It was actually his idea about a blog entry about the mind fucks, he even suggested a book, but hey, another book the world doesn't need...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So here we go, most of it happened during the time I was pro-domming, and no harm was done.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So while working in a commercial dungeon part time (I always got my kink on on Saturdays or Sundays, sure I'm going to hell for that one, which is great so I'll meet all my friends again and I'm much more of a warm weather person anyway), we had this particularly annoying caller who told us that nobody can break him, we're all just fakers. Business was slow due to it being the Easter weekend, so I suggested a free session, not thinking the guy would show up, surprise, he did (yeah, a freebe can do that to people), I hadn't really had it thought through, so I needed to improvise.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Hot iron (as in clothes iron) plugged in, the guy strapped down face down, I told him that I will brand him with the iron and that will break him, he started sweating and yelling about dangers, so I put a gag into his mouth, made a big show about checking the heat of the iron by spitting on my finger and putting the finger on the iron, sizzling sound. Told him I have to wait until it's red hot so make sure the brand would last, frantic muffled yelling. Me slapping a blindfold on him, sitting on top of him and telling my colleague to check the iron again. Again sizzling sound, what little twerp didn't know, we had a packet of fish fingers in the freezer (actually shame that it wasn't vanilla ice cream, that would have been just too ironic) and after flogging him a bit and treating him with a whip and deep heat (fucking marvellous invention, love it, so many evil ways to use it), his shoulders were on fire anyway. We put the frozen fish fingers on briefly, while my colleague threw some cut off fingernails into a candle, terrible stink, guy almost passed out. We had great fun taking the piss out of him and how some frozen fish fingers broke him - he never called again, the boring Easter Sunday shift had a comedic value...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Next one was in another dungeon, great white room (white rooms are medical rooms) with a sky light, OB gyn chair and all the trimmings. Never been so super keen on medical scenes but always like scrotal inflations, a bit of electrical and stuff, and the cool white can make a nice contrast to a sizzling hot (even without an iron) scene, but in general, I do prefer a room with spanking benches, crosses and all that, that's just my lil old perverted self...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So anyway, this guy came regularly every 8 weeks, always wanted to have a castration role play, and ALWAYS complained that it was not realistic enough. I was torn between telling him to eff off and a desire to make it real. It became almost an obsession, and finally I had enough...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A friend of mine had an electric knife, as in kinky electrostimulation knife, in short it's an electric device that feels like you're being cut, but you aren't... Along with borrowing that knife (dreadfully expensive though) came a trip to a halal butcher, to purchase lambs testicles and fresh blood.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Client came, wanted the castration role play again, bitching that hopefully this time it would be more realistic, blah blah... Oh fuck, would I let him have it!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Microwave and heat up the blood, put it into a thermos and hide it, has to be warm enough, hide the lambs testicles under the OB gyn chair, take the mirrors away (don't want him to see the slight of hand), put some deep heat (Finalgon works well, water based) ready as it will increase the pain by making the nerve endings more sensitive, mask the smell with tea tree oil (nice medical smell).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Put him into the chair, went through the usual "preparation" and "talk" about him being a rapist and we will sterilize him in prison, secured him in the chair, a bit of the usual play before and a few needles through the skin, showing him the scalpel, quickly exchanging it under the chair for the electric knife, he was screaming in pain, I pretended to be pissed off and yelled "Shut off or I really do it" and just telling him I had enough with him playing pretend, electric knife, him screaming in pain and convulsing, while I poured the warmed up blood over his lower regions and the lamb testicles and then held them up yelling "So is that realistic enough, you stupid fuck, you pushed me too far..." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Yeah, it was fucking realistic, he wouldn't stop screaming for ages, despite me yelling at him to check, he still got the family jewels, everything in place, it was just realistic...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I actually had to slap him (with my bloody gloves, which made him scream more) and it took a good while to calm him down. Fucking idiot, really, I mean lambs testicles tend to be a lot bigger than your average human testicles (and trust me, I have seen my fair share of them) and without being mean, this guy didn't have stones, he had pebbles as in pebble dash. No way those things could ever have been his.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Yeah, we lost a regular, guess he finally got as realistic as he wanted... What can I say, even Dommes sometimes aim to please...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now there was also this guy who wanted to be dominated by a drunk and out of control Domme, something that I just wouldn't ever entertain doing, but hey, using cheap booze as a mouth wash, a cognac soaked tissue in my bra, slurring my speech and stumbling a bit... I leave you guessing, let's just say it involved a strapon and a piece of raw liver that I had hidden somewhere and put and placed at the end of a strapon after pounding him at the strategically right moment...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Fuck yeah, I do like a good mind fuck.... Anybody feeling a bit queasy?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And yes, for years my sig line used to be "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it, in unexpected ways..."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Awww, sometimes I do miss pro-domming... And yeah, I might be a sadistic bitch, but I don't want to maim anybody - well, most of the time ;)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span dir="auto"><br /></span></span></h1>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-67188293116090315212014-03-28T14:01:00.002-07:002014-04-18T13:45:47.202-07:00Not a real Domme - WTF does that mean?<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">OK, so I recently heard that I'm not a weal and twue Domme, because I do some really undominant stuff, like volunteering for charities, if I can, I like to help people out, I like animals and I don't eat meat, I think I'm privileged that I am fairly healthy, and I can't help but feeling that's down to dumb luck, you know such things as surviving cancer without much of a scratch (apart from donating an ovary, but hey, a ton of cancer victims would wish to be so lucky), I can't help to feel that somehow it puts me in a place where I have an obligation, not sure to whom, let's just call it the universe, to give something back.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Lately I got a whole bunch of messages about how I camouflage as a sadist, because real sadists aren't nice. Well fuck me sideways, I'm terribly sorry that being a person with a life messes with your idea about how a Domme should be. How dare I have a life, interests outside of BDSM, and how dare I being a decent human being? I know it's outrageous and somebody will rip up my Domme card, I guess it's time to confess that I don't walk around clad in leather 24/7 as well or keep slaves in my (non-existent) basement... No, I also don't have an urge to dominate everything I come in contact with, with people it would just be rude, with furniture it would be freaking useless and I'd look like a fool, with the dogs, well I have to be the alpha to make them follow orders (it's the pecking order), with the cats, they'd just laugh if I'd try to boss them around! I guess I'm fucked now...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Honestly, I like BDSM, it's part of my genetic makeup, hardwired, but it's not ALL of my life, it's a small part of my life, quite an essential part, admittedly, but I don't want to have tunnel vision. There is so much more to life than just BDSM, you know just hanging out with friends, a job, all that....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">As for the sadist part, yeah, I'm a sadist but I'm also human and I'm NOT (and hope I will never be) an abuser.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So that rules out hurting people who don't voluntarily sign up to be hurt, because it turns me on to see somebody in pain, because I like inflicting pain to somebody who voluntarily signed up for it, be it because he or she wants to endure if for me, or because they crave the pain. It doesn't make a bad person because it's consensual.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So if you think I need to be a bitch 24/7 so your stereotypical tunnel vision is not disturbed, how about you kindly fuck off!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In case it turns you off that I'm the kind of person who will take the puppy or the wounded bird home, who will help the old lady with her shopping and all that jazz, GREAT! Because I seriously don't want to be your fetish delivery system and your myopic view turns me off. Actually turning me off doesn't quite describe it, it makes me want to puke.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In case it disturbs your fantasy that I'm a real person with a real life, why don't you just walk away? Even better, run, as fast as you can. And don't bother informing me, because I would only tell you to run a bit faster.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">At the end of the day, as long as I am happy with myself, what you - the stranger on the internet - thinks about me, it doesn't mean jack shit. And if you think that I have to be the mean bitch and an abuser just so your fantasy stays intact, I would laugh into your face, if I could actually be bothered.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Come on, get your arse off the internet, volunteer in a shelter, join a gym, take classes, go to a munch, stop looking at porn and get a life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">End of rant!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">PS: As a little update, Phil (who had that excellent guest blog about <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/phil-beck-depression-and-bdsm.html" target="_blank">Depression & BDSM</a> and if you like that try ShiftyW's post about <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/bdsm-and-ptsd-female-view.html" target="_blank">BDSM & PTSD</a> too) seems to have made a similar experience from the other side, and had a rant about not being a <a href="http://unbrokenchain2014.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/i-am-not-twue-submissive-and-i-like-it.html" target="_blank">twue subbie.</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">What can I say? There are a lot of idiots around... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-9962272642142729102014-03-26T05:05:00.000-07:002014-03-26T06:34:55.998-07:00BDSM and Abuse<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It comes up again and again and for a lot of people not involved with BDSM it looks like there is abuse going on, the big difference is that it is consensual!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Honestly, I can't stress enough how important it is that it IS consensual.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There is NO excuse for not respecting a safe word, if people who know each other and have a rapport decide to play without a safe word, great, not a problem, however if anybody announces right off the bat that they will not respect your limits or a safe word, don't walk - RUN.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Some people are thrill seekers and all that, and while I'm not somebody who would rely on a safe word (I explain in a bit), when getting to know somebody, you have to learn about their boundaries and some people have trigger points where you just push them much too far, pushing somebody way beyond their endurance can cause a pretty serious trauma, maybe not physical but leaving mental scars is not covered by consensual play!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Why I don't want to rely on safe words is simple, when the endorphines are flying, it can be pretty difficult for a masochist to recognize what is going on, as the top you really have to watch their body language, it might just feel too good for them to call a stop. Think about it in terms of a happy drunk who's flying high and doesn't realize that he's close to alcohol poisoning. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But truthfully, that's another issue than abuse. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I was just reading somewhere, where a woman rejected a dominant because he seemed to have anger issues and threatened to blacken her eyes if she says something to him. That's for me seriously crossing the line, hurting somebody out of anger is not BDSM or consensual, it's being out of control, if the top is out of control, accidents happen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">No problem with a role play where you pretend to be angry, or maybe even some punishment, but boys and girls, don't play with angry people, as exciting as it may seem at first glimpse, you only got this one body.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Seriously, if it would be my hide on the line, I'd be giving somebody a grilling of the 9th degree before I would even consider getting in a situation where I would be vunerable.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If you have issues trusting somebody, don't trust them with your health or life! Being stupid is not an attractive trait in a bottom!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">End of rant!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-89953488465729935302014-03-25T10:46:00.000-07:002014-03-25T14:00:42.477-07:00Stalkers will stalk<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Though I have to admit that mine gave me a laugh, checked a board and of course he had to comment on a thread I commented (he has to, with a little dig, awww, poor baby), of course it had to be a nasty dig about rescuing dogs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Shit, what did I do to deserve the obsession of an obviously crazy individual? And doesn't crazy boy realize that somebody can look up all his old posts? I guess not, because somebody seems to be a few planks short of a full tree house.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Ladies, please beware of sycophants, especially bullies, and keep all their mails and messages... Screen shots work....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I guess if you can't get laid in a monkey brothel with a bunch of bananas, you have to declare yourself as an online hero.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Considering the shit he put me through the past couple of years, I'm actually quite grateful that fool still tries to "hurt" me. I don't think I ever fooled myself about my looks, but if I would, freakazoid would be balm for my soul, I just would have to forget that he's a slightly unhinged individual. Unfortunately my memory is a bit too good for that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Seriously, why would anybody get so worked up about being knocked back by somebody he's never seen, will never see? I guess some people aren't very happy in their lives (wait for frantic posts about how happy his life is).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I still take any rescue dog over a backstabbing asshole, never met a dog who's obsessed about a stranger and stalks them, and I thank my lucky stars for never having been so hard up, that I needed to session with somebody who's plainly "mentally disturbed" (read that as batshit crazy).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Let me take this opportunity to encourage every woman out there who plans to get into pro-domming to have additional qualifications and a plan B.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It is the adult industry, you're in the sex industry even if you're not having sex with clients, while it can be a lot of fun, you're bound to be exposed to a lot of unsavoury characters, clients will try to pounce on you...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Again, please do protect your privacy. Trust me, if shit happens it's usually too late and all I can say is, that if my bad experience helps somebody else to not have such an experience, it was - well maybe not worth it, but at least it wasn't in vain!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/layouts-and-stuff.html" target="_blank">What happened to me</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/dont-be-victim.html" target="_blank">Don't be a stalking victim</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Trust me, I couldn't give a shit if asshole lives or dies, after all he's done, it makes me laugh that he's still so obsessed and unhinged (happens when people have nothing else going on in their lives, so please, everybody find a hobby, working with animal rescues is a good one) and possibly helplessly yelling at the moon. Should he try and do something public again, I just *might* throw up a few screen shots of old mails and PMs (didn't keep everything but kept enough) or link to some old sycophantic posts.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Maybe I should send him an anonymous donation, you know just enough so he can afford to rent somebody for a few minutes to get rid of his deadly sperm build up.... </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Btw here is an excellent article (thanks Stanley) regarding "socially awkward" behaviour and why it's not acceptable:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/03/socially-awkward-isnt-an-excuse/" target="_blank">http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/03/socially-awkward-isnt-an-excuse/</a> </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-90844974290998398462014-03-23T11:35:00.000-07:002014-03-23T11:35:08.124-07:00The Pro-Domme Myth<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">From
time to time, and especially on life-style boards, the usual stuff comes
up about how pro-dommes don't have any real power, how they are just
spank machines, that they are there to just fulfill the orders of
clients, the usual stuff. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Of
course you also get the usual idiot who will claim they are just
prostitutes, well, I have a problem with the term "just prostitutes",
while an escort certainly does another job than a pro-domme (slightly
different service, who doesn't get that shows their ignorance straight
away, which is great because it's nice if people let you know that they
are idiots upfront), I absolutely HATE it if people treat them like
they're somewhat less than human. If you don't want to do the job, I
have no problem with it, I couldn't, but dehumanizing somebody, it's not
cool, it's not clever, it makes you look like a prejudiced asshole!</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But
back to the people who have serious misconceptions about pro dommes,
they are usually people who read something, heard something and repeat,
or believe what somebody told them.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Yes,
it's a service, yes, you have to consider what the client wants, but at
the same time you don't like the client or the activities aren't yours,
so you turn him down. Not only the client sets boundaries, you also set
your own boundaries and they better respect them.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">You
have a chance to play with a lot of people who then will just leave,
you won't have to deal with their real life drama or problems, I had
plenty of masochists to play with, BDSM on tap, I could more or less do
what I wanted (within their limits), I guess that must be what one night
stands without strings or morning afters are for most men... For me it
was a lot of fun most of the time with no strings attached, the biggest
problem was the occasional blister or sore arm from too much whipping or
caning!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Yes,
of course I had to use my brain a lot and find new ways to hurt
somebody, but seriously, if you're a hobby cook, trying out a new recipe
or improving it with experimentation isn't really hardship.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The best reply to that is from MsCoral Korrupt over at MF</span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /><i>If we did it strictly for pleasure we'd be doing it for free, and only
with people that we choose. And often, a lot of us Dommes are kinky in
our personal lives, just not intimate with our clients.<br />We often do
this for pleasure yes, but not YOUR definition of pleasure and it
usually does not involve a woman having an orgasm because we do not want
or need to have one in our sessions.<br /><br />I know, you, a random
strange man who may or may not have hepatitis or some sort of parasite,
and a Domme may or may not be sexually attracted to you, is completely
dumbfounded by the fact that you're met with some serious shade from
women who don't want to use the equivalent of a double headed dildo with
you in a session.<br /><br />Let me put it to you in some very clear terms.
Some women don't need to be sexually attracted or have a "spark" with
them in order for them to want to engage in sexually invasive activities
with men for money. A lot of us do not go down that road for health and
personal reasons. <br />Just because we work in the sex industry that
doesn't mean we want to get off on everything that walks in through our
Dungeon doors just like a veterinarian, barista, clothing designer isn't
going to want to orgasm over ll of her clients. UNLESS OUR PUSSIES ARE
UP FOR SALE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM. We will tell you how to please us.</i></span></span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Tara Indiana also published an <a href="http://kinkemagazine.com/blog/kinkecommunity-forum/an-open-letter-to-chris-hayes-sienna-basken-and-vednita-carter" target="_blank">open letter</a>
on KinkE Magazine regarding the legalization of all sex work, where she
talked about her time as an escort, how much she enjoyed it, that she
wasn't a victim but in control and how she then drifted to BDSM. Amazing
letter:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">I just saw the interview on All in with Chris Hayes and I had some comments and questions. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">First,
I a bit a but me, My name is Tara Indiana. I am the Head Mistress of
The Den of Iniquity Dungeon since 1994. I started of in the sex business
as a high class call girl with the hopes of raising enough money to
fight for custody of my younger sister and also benefit my own career
aspirations. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">I
must say, My years as an escort were some of the happiest times in my
life. I travelled the world, met incredibly interesting people and
further enhanced my knowledge of culture and world affairs. It was much
more of an eduction then I ever got in school.</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">The
Women I met not at all what I expected. The media only depicts prostitutes as victims, street walkers, junkies, white slaves being
forced and uneducated naive Woman who don't know any better. </span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">To
My surprise at my first escort agency, all the girls were really nice
people and some of the smartest and most liberated women I've had the
honor of knowing. Mostly working their way through college, saving up
money for a start up, Wanting to put their kids through private school
or college, sending money home to their families. There was little to no
drug use by most of my co workers aside from the occasional girls night
out cocktails which we called "The Putta Squad":. Yes, the clients did
them - it was the 80's wall street. but not the girls. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">The
Madame cared very much about us and worked diligently to ensure our
safety. She counselled us daily, never to do anything we were
uncomfortable about, That we could stop a sessions at anytime for any
reason. Even just a bad vibe. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">The
men were also not as expected. I thought they would be old and gross,
guys that couldn't normally get laid. Well it couldn't have been father
from the truth. I found almost all of them to be completely respectful,
smart, great conversationalists, successful, etc., Many were attractive,
wealthy and the strange thing is, they were really looking more for
companionship. They were just lonely. There was a lot of conversation
and very little "sex" in the sense of what most people consider sex.
That's why it's called a trick, the trick is to not have sex with them. I
was an escort / inhouse girl for a number of years and the longer I did
it, the less sex I had. And the sex I was having was pretty good.
Having sex with multiple partners really helped me discover my body and
my turn ons. I have much better orgasms now then I did 25 years ago and I
owe that entirely to the sex business, </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">(and one special men how shall remain nameless as just the world's greatest lover. </span></i><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">Once
even went 3 month without having sex with any of my clients and it was a
very busy 3 months and I was always quite popular. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">The
counter-statistics being offer by your opponent et al this debate were
based on low level street walkers, people in white slavery, etc., which
only represent 13% of prostitution. I think she means well, but she
getting her info from only one source. To a hammer every problem is a
nail. But the idea of lumping in low level street prostitutes with risk
aware consenting adults who choose a road less travelled is a TOTALLY
FALSE EQUIVALENT. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">It's
like comparing people working sweat shops in china and jumping of the
roof due to bad work conditions, long hours, no safety and no living
wage in a dangerous factory to people working at a union shop for GM or
Ford who have medical, dental, pensions and 401Ks, We don't shut down
factories because some are bad. We regulate. I also can never wrap my
head around the idea that if you buy the argument that sex worker are
victims in what other situation is the victim arrested, have their
records ruined and generally have their life destroyed. Because it's not
just their lives, it's the lives of all the friend, families,
employers, children, etc., that are the collateral damage. What purpose
does this serve? In My hey day yes, I would see up to 5 men for many
hours, Not the 15 or 20 she's talking about, That would traumatize most
except for the rare nymphomaniacs of which their are very few, These are
fast houses, the lowest level of prostitution. And yes, they are
terrible, but not even a very small part of the business. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">In
my 2 year stint as a call girl, almost all the the men I sessioned with
were great and I found it very empowering and like I was doing a public
service and fun for Me. I tried My best to have good sex with all of
them. I felt if I could get paid to have orgasms that was AWESOME! And
it was. The Women were some of the most amazing Woman I ever met. I love
them all to this day. It was a heady time. I moved to phones when I got
in a serious relationship, then I moved onto the field of Female
Domination which I love, and is my life (And have been quite successful
at it) I've owned over 7 dungeons, trained 1000s Mistresses and 10's of
thousand of men and appeared in hundreds of films, magazines,
newspapers, TV and websites. I was even on the The Daily Show's moment
of zen - still be far My crowning achievement. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">It has been very hard and grueling work. But has been the most rewarding and creatively fulfilling work I have ever done. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">Currently,
I am the Head Mistress of The Den of Iniquity dungeon (r) in Los
Angeles , I have performed in over 200 fetish and porn films, I am the
only woman to have had a national chain of dungeons, fist dungeon to
have a members site, etc., and, I think touched the lives of many Women
and men for the better as they have I. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">What
make this work "bad" is without a doubt the criminalization aspect of
it. Constantly being worried about being arrest, kidnapped, violence
against Women, having to employee unsavory characters to keep my Ladies
safe and the bottomless pit of legal bills, abuse of rico laws, etc.
That's enough to give anyone PTSD. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">When
your young in your 20's it's kind of exciting, the double life. But
after 25 years it wears on you; the constantly looking over your
shoulder, wondering when the other shoe will drop and everything you've
worked for can be taken without trial by rico laws so you may not be
able to even pay your own defense when they freeze their assets. They
can do it anytime for any reason, and even if you're doing a legal sex
business, they can freeze your asset and just put you in jail. Once in
jail, they can trump up the charges and if you can't make bail, (they
freeze your assets so you can't defend yourself or do business)
statistically, you'll lose, right or wrong.Theoretically pandering is 7
years (same as man slaughter) and they've started abusing the rico laws
in the case of "Rapture" in NY. They were looking at 25 years for
running a legal dungeon. (Corrupt enterprise) So you can murder someone
and get less time depending on the charges. This is wholy inequitable </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">And
then there's worrying about stalkers especially in the internet age,
2257 laws, cyber bullying and talking and the issues of safety that have
come up with and review boards like the erotic review that in it's
nature has forced women to now give up use condoms, do anal sex bareback,
swallow and engage in high risk behaviors that were absolutely out of
the question in my day. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"></span></i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">Now,
my question - what can I do to help and be more involved in what you
are doing? I must confess, I am fairly busy. I may be able to offer some
time and counselling in areas of my expertise.And I can certainly
donate my space in Los Angeles for any suitable fundraisers or parties
to further you agenda. </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">Here is some background on Me </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.imdb.com%2Fname%2Fnm1165287%2F&h=CAQHMaL8B&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1165287/</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.linkedin.com%2Fpub%2Ftara-indiana%2F7b%2Fb19%2F654&h=SAQHkKf0I&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.linkedin.com/pub/tara-indiana/7b/b19/654</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.masocast.com%2F2013%2F09%2F08%2Ftara-indiana%2F&h=1AQG2VjTg&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.masocast.com/2013/09/08/tara-indiana/</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thedenofiniquity.net%2FTARA%2Ftara.html&h=pAQGV-IvQ&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.thedenofiniquity.net/TARA/tara.html</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thedenofiniquity.net%2FTARA%2Ftara_model.html&h=KAQH_ctdN&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.thedenofiniquity.net/TARA/tara_model.html</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.vice.com%2Fread%2Fi-went-to-a-class-to-learn-how-to-financially-dominate-men&h=IAQHgOuWY&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.vice.com/read/i-went-to-a-class-to-learn-how-to-financially-dominate-men</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fglo.msn.com%2Fsearch%3FsearchTerm%3Ddenise%2Bwolfe%2521stackState%253D0__%252Frelationships%252Fdominatrix-dungeon-los-angeles-1534829.story&h=zAQEPZG-G&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://glo.msn.com/search?searchTerm=denise%20wolfe!stackState=0__%2Frelationships%2Fdominatrix-dungeon-los-angeles-1534829.story</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/tara.indiana">https://www.facebook.com/tara.indiana</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://taraindiana.tumblr.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://taraindiana.tumblr.com/</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.twitter.com/taraindiana" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">@taraindiana</span></a></span></i></span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">While
I totally get (and so should you) that escorting is not the same as
being a domme, both are within the realm of the sex industry and
somebody who goes there voluntarily (yeah, most women aren't going to be
dragged into it kicking and screaming) is actually pretty much in
control, in control of who they see, who they do what with, when they
work, how much they work.... It's an awesome letter from a woman who did what she wanted to do, and has no regrets. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'm
with Tara on that, I'm getting fed up with people trying to "rescue"
women who don't want or need to be rescued. It's so belitteling and so
unfair, it's basically because somebody else is not comfortable with
what a woman does that they try to stop her, all under the guise of "rescuing", but the woman herself is comfortable with it, so it's her call, her choice! We're adults, not children sold into slavery, a woman picking up a whip and wanting to be a pro-domme usually has a strong interest in it, if she doesn't she's not going to last, it will take far too much out of her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's
the same as when people try to tell me that as a pro-domme I had no
choice, no control and I was "just" a service top. Seriously, doing
something I enjoy doing and getting paid for this, call it a service all
you like, still doesn't take any control away from me. And how is it
different from private play? You also negotiate scenes and you have to
respect limits. Really, I mean just because somebody is doing something
for free (or in some cases to attract a partner) doesn't mean they have
more control than a professional who usually can pick the clients. You
have an architect design a house for you, you also tell him the
specifications, but you don't tell him how to do the job. Seriously, most guys don't see a domme just for her to work through a list the client supplies, they are as much paying for her to create a scenario creatively than for getting their fetish needs met.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Yes, there will always be dommes who take on "all comers", they are new or they need money desperately, it's the same in every job where you freelance or you're self-employed, if you're good, you pick the clients, if you're not and you have no other income, you might have to bite the bullet on occasion. Happens! But then you still have the choice to find another job and do what you want, apart from the fact that a lot of dommes have a 2nd job, hardly any of them puts all her eggs into one basket. Why do they do that? Because they want to keep their independence and be able to tell guys who want to lick parts we don't want to be licked to take their money and spend it elsewhere. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Once you've been a domme for a while, you'll naturally drift to activities you like and you're damned good at, you advertise them a bit heavier, you attract the clients who're more in sync with you.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Domming isn't something you can put on your CV, if you do it only for the money it kills you and burns you out, apart from the fact that if you factor in expenses, fetish clothes and tools, dungeon rent (or the commission dungeons take), there really isn't that much left over unless you are one of the incredibly gorgeous and superbly talented pro-dommes, and they are usually very very busy and don't have much time for anything else. Pretty much like any other career where you're on top of the game...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-81496742963338197652014-03-20T11:40:00.001-07:002014-03-20T11:41:25.044-07:00Convinced The Spouse But She's Unsure<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">OK, this one is just a shorty, working on a lengthy blog entry about something else, but it's something that came up a few times before. We went over that whole stuff about how to tell your partner and all of that, let me try to link:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/bdsm-and-betrayal.html" target="_blank">BDSM and Betrayal</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/new-to-bdsm.html" target="_blank">New To BDSM</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/bdsm-and-guilt.html" target="_blank">BDSM and Guilt</a> (which might you help to understand why your spouse is leery) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/bdsm-and-spouse.html" target="_blank">BDSM and a Spouse </a> (How to tell her)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So today I stumbled across a really really interesting blog entry from some friends, it's basically about how to get comfy and how to start a scene, what to expect and all the panic attacks somebody goes through when they are domming for the first time:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So in case you are one of the lucky ones who has convinced the wife or the girlfriend to give it a try, you might want to point her in direction of this article (and read it yourself too, you don't expect her to do all the work) just to give her some reassurance and take some of the pressure off!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://beyond50shades.com/planning-scenes-for-beginners/" target="_blank">http://beyond50shades.com/planning-scenes-for-beginners/</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Good luck to you and enjoy!!! </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-77713507173855560002014-03-19T05:16:00.002-07:002014-03-19T05:16:29.709-07:00A quick heads upNot lost interest, just life got into the way...<br />
<br />
We let somebody move in last September as he was living in a tent, the weather was cold, we didn't use the room and I didn't want his little old dog to sleep rough, was planned just for a few days, maybe weeks.<br />
<br />
6 months later, running the heating at full blast while keeping his window open for "fresh air" and basically trying to take over the house (not contributing in any way, help or finances) we got a bit fed up with it and politely mentioned we need the room as we expect visitors.<br />
<br />
Last weekend he ran a bath and forgot about it, apparently for hours, turned the bathroom, the landing and the floor underneath into an indoor pool, then left me to clean up the damage.<br />
<br />
Apart from strongly suggesting that he gets out by the weekend as we're tired of somebody taking the piss, being drunk and bringing drugs into the house, the flooding was the last straw. So bear with me, apart from working, being flooded, cleaning stuff out, drying stuff, dealing with insurance and assessors, not THAT much is happening, apart from another friend having a pretty horrible accident that involved his jaw being broken in 3 places. Compared to that, I think the flooding is possibly not too bad...<br />
<br />
I do have visions that involve a meat cleaver, but the de-humidifier could possibly deal with the moisture from the blood but not the stains and currently I don't need a bigger mess.<br />
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Life is what happens when you're busy making plans....Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-20276932269826980272014-03-11T08:35:00.000-07:002014-03-11T08:35:04.044-07:00Dominance and Selfishness<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Again, I saw this on a discussion board, it was sparked off by a discussion about what seemed to be some Gorean type relationship. I really can't get into that Gorean stuff at all, but that's beside the point, it's not because it's male dominated, it's just too absurd and contrived and rather badly written, the equivalent of 50 Shades for horny teenage boys, of as somebody jokingly said <a href="http://www.ansible.co.uk/sfx/sfx039.html" target="_blank">"Kink in Space"</a>, hilarious and brilliantly written summary of the Gor books, let's say they are outrageously sexist and if they would be a willing parody of the genre, they'd be brilliant. Unfortunately some people really take them seriously, which in my not so humble opinion, makes it even more funny.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Apart from very few exceptions, Gorean men seem to have a slight bypass when it comes to humour and IQ, of course it's not fair to use Fartie as an example, let's say a conversation in the short bus might challenge him quite a bit and he successfully managed to make a fool out of himself again and again, even other Goreans loath him and for a while it was great fun watching him get his ass busted over his lies, if you're arguing with Fartie, it's not a battle because the poor boy is completely unarmed, but he likes to think he's superior to every woman, because some 3rd rate SciFi book says it's the "natural order", oh and in said fantasy the women all become simpering slaves, and annoyingly talk about themselves in the 3rd person, but I digress..</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Anyway, this woman is married and she wasn't happy, she had the typical simpering 3rd person speak, turns out her "master/husband" makes her hold her urine in the morning while she goes through the 150 different Gor slave positions before he allows her to relieve her outside after he whistles. She tried to talk to him about it (holding urine isn't very healthy for the bladder and UT), as a response he slapped her. Apart from being a bit ignorant about medical issues, he also seems to be on a weird trip where he forgot how to communicate with his wife (or slave as she puts it). This then sparked a conversation about <a href="http://www.collarchat.com/m_4651326/tm.htm" target="_blank">"Dominance and Selfishness"</a> and if you have to be selfish to be a D-type. Quite interesting and a lot of different takes on it...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Essentially what it boils down to is, that I think both ends of the whip or crop are selfish, nobody would enter a relationship if there wouldn't be something in for them, if being in that relationship wouldn't make them happier than not being in that particular relationship or dynamic!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's like when people claim that FinDommes rip the poor subs off, seriously? The subs usually search out FinDommes and offer them money, they must get something out of it or they wouldn't do it, it scratches one of their kinks or their kink, otherwise they wouldn't go looking for them. Seriously, the women that are dealing with guys claiming to be pay-piggies deal with a ton of time wasters and guys who just want to talk about it, I don't think they are making their money the easy way, I don't think I could deal with it, I'd possibly would feel like banging my head against the wall, but again, that's besides the point.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Essentially I believe that every D/s or S/m dynamic is motivated by selfishness on both parts, one craves what the other person can give, and if it turns from a dynamic into a relationship, I do think in the best of all cases, and the ones where the relationship stands the test of time, each partner tries to make the other one happy. Like every vanilla relationship it's a give and take.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">People have needs and if the needs are not fulfilled over a prolonged period of time, the relationship starts to disintegrate. As much as we would like to believe that we are selfless, we're not and there is nothing wrong with it. A submissive doesn't "serve" out of selflessness but again, it fulfills one of his or her needs. Yes, there can be situations where the servitude is without emotions, but in those cases it's all about the fetish and the fetish fulfills those needs. Some of them actually don't even want to have human interaction, they just want to be seen as a service submissive, because being a service submissive is their kink, it's what drives them. They are quite rare, but they exist. If they're getting out of it what they want, it's perfect. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's not that different from a lot of clients who frequent Pro-Dommes, they go there to get an urge scratched and for those 60 minutes they might actually believe that they are submissive, when in fact they pretty much dictate what they want to happen in the session. Not that there is anything wrong with it, you book the session and you negotiate it!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Sometimes your emotional needs change over time (like that with the woman who sparked the discussion) and then it's best if people start to sit down and talk to each other. I don't really buy into 24/7 because apart from BDSM needs even the most kinky of all people have different needs and need down time, your mileage on that might vary, but a 24/7 power exchange and a TPE (Total Power Exchange) seems to be unrealistic. If you're rushing into it without knowing the person, it could spell disaster and financial ruin, which I don't think is a desirable outcome.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I really believe people need time out from their dynamic, where they sit down and are on mutual footing and discuss what works for them and what doesn't work. Of course you can claim a good D-type (I use D-type because it is gender neutral, it can be a Dom or a Domme) should know that and realize it, but the truth is, we aren't perfect, we aren't mind readers, we make mistakes, by talking openly and frankly, without any trappings of power exchange and no repercussions. The D-type might decide not to change a thing, he or she could have her reasons for it, but consent can be withdrawn from both sides at any time. If things really don't work anymore, sometimes you do have to draw the line.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'm a bit fed up when often subs are painted as the victims, I've seriously met more needy and selfish people who identify as s-types than D-types (mind you, that doesn't mean that all D-types are wonderful people) and there is often so much passive aggressive BS going on, after the relationship ends, what they used to crave is then pictured as abuse. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Again, I'm NOT saying that there is no abuse in BDSM relationships, there are tons of predators out in the real world, of course they are attracted to a world where it is "seemingly OK" to exploit others. But as I said countless times before, you are adults, it's your job to look out who you trust and to not rush into anything, to ask yourself what you are really getting out of the relationship and also what you are putting in. If you are just looking for a fetish delivery system and you're so focused on your fetish, that you forget to see your partner as a human being who might have needs too (other than what you're willing to give, which is in a lot of cases your own kink fulfillment and if you think logically about it, not that much to offer), then you're bound to fall prey to somebody who will try to manipulate you (and not in a good way) in order to get what they want, which happens often to be cash.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There is a person on both ends of the whip, a living, breathing human with feelings, of course with faults (would be nice if we'd all be flawless) but when it comes to a relationship, you have to take all that on board. Kink is one thing, but what are you going to do the other 23 hours of the day? If all you have in common is kink, you're fucked buddy, and not in a good way! Unless of course it is your kink to be exploited and abused, but then please stay away from me, seriously, I'm not judging your kink, but I simply don't want to deal with emotional masochism, in my book it's a recipe for disaster and the D-type always ends getting the blame. It took me far too long to leave Catholic guilt behind, I'm not signing up for emotional BDSM guilt.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">No judging, I just prefer to approach my kink from a positive place, somebody who willingly signs up for what I want to dish out, because he or she craves just that. Possibly not the best option ever, but I'm not a therapist and emotional masochism and sadism, for my personal taste it's just a bit too close to abuse and I'd be worried that I might damage more, including myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just my take on it, if yours is different, more power to you, I don't have to live your life and you don't have to live mine. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Though in defence of submissives, there is also one woman who identifies as a dominant, yet will not tolerate any fetishes or strong preferences on the side of a potential partner, to me it sounds like she herself has a "me" fetish herself and wants a partner who makes it also all about her, but all in a seemingly vanilla environment, where none of his other fetishes are under consideration apart from the way she likes to have sex, she wants flowers, romance, the whole stuff, nothing bad, I mentioned her <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2014/03/meeting-that-guy-from-internet.html" target="_blank">here </a>quite at the end of it</span>, <span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">she's looking for a vanilla date on a kink board, but she won't tolerate kinks or fetishes. Yup, selfish, but then again, if she would be a hot 20 year old, she might get away with it, if you're 50+ and maybe not so hot (hard to tell if you only see a picture of Sphinx. If you want TPE and the other should give everything but you aren't prepared to give anything in return, I guess that is selfish. She doesn't hurt anybody with it (apart from guys who dare to mention a kink on a kink board, met with outrage that she is not a fetish delivery system and it has to be about her, not about the guy's kink) but herself, because let's face it, guys might get desperate but not that desperate that they're going to put up with all the trappings of TPE and none of the benefits.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now if that was all a bit serious, try this piss take on Gor, though sadly enough, it's actually quite like the few books I forced myself to read, I just couldn't bring myself to read more of them, because they are not simply daft but painful for anybody who has standards regarding their reading material... Still wish I wrote them (using a nom de plume of course to avoid merciless piss taking from anybody who knows me), randy teenage fantasies aimed at randy teenage boys got good ol' Norman minted... Reminds me a lot of Scientology to be honest...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-49939980812221900382014-03-06T08:53:00.000-08:002014-03-06T09:23:53.220-08:00Meeting that guy from the internet...<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's basically a follow up to the "<a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014_03_01_archive.html" target="_blank">difficult to find a date on the internet</a>" post I made the other day, guys claim that women are so hard to talk to, but women complain far more often about being stood up, guys go through the whole song and dance and then get cold feet, disappear, make dates and don't show up... So I guess this one is more for the ladies, but I'm pretty sure the guys might also find a bit of value, even if it is just to understand better why women are a bit careful.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">As for being stood up, yes it happens, you develop a radar after a while, you also develop a radar for BS, seriously, if something doesn't feel right, chances are that it isn't right, pretty much the same as I mentioned in the post about what to do if you have a <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/dont-be-victim.html" target="_blank">stalker</a> your own instinct is the best protection you can have, for stalkers, for fakes, for people playing games.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I've mentioned a few times that I'm not looking for anything, so if I'm meeting somebody it's just for being social, I'm not going to get worked up about somebody who won't show up, but I'm also not rearranging my schedule much to accommodate somebody I haven't met before. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Ladies, just keep a clear head and don't get too worked up, I wouldn't recommend meeting a stranger in a place where you always go for various reasons, for example if he should turn out to be a stalker (which I certainly hope not), you don't want to give him a way to find you easily all the time, also if his manners aren't up to scratch, you really don't want people talk about that in your local bistro or pub (don't remind me of the guy who thought kissing my feet would be the acceptable way to behave in public...). Go somewhere where you like going, bring a book or a magazine and if he doesn't show up, enjoy your coffee and read. Desperation is worse than a bad perfume.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now since this is a kink blog, I assume we are talking about guys you meet on kink related sites, but this should pretty much go for all kind of internet dating. I'm not saying you need to play hard to get, but don't make it too easy. Think about it, what kind of impression do you give if you're too available - you don't want to come across as too desperate. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Also be clear what you expect, if you don't want to be a booty call, say so in a profile, not in those words but mention that you're only interested in getting to know somebody who is like you interested in a long term relationship, then tell them what you expect from a partner APART from your kink, unless you are waiting for a mind reader, in that case be prepared to wait for a long long time... So yes, hobbies, what is important for you, what you can't deal with, but try to sound positive, nobody wants a sourpuss!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Not sounding negative goes for, don't complain on your profile about people who stood you up, don't talk about the bad experiences you have made. You're going to meet somebody for the first time, he doesn't want your whole life-story and everything that went wrong, every relationship that has failed. Come on, how would you feel if a guy would tell you about all his exes and stuff? See how that works? A guy who's interested in meeting YOU, doesn't want your whole relationship history, your medical history, your family history, he wants to to meet you to get to know you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Chances are you already had a few mails exchanged, spoke on the phone and all that, so you should have an idea about his hobbies, maybe his work, ASK about that, keep the conversation light, you're still getting to know each other! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />Also the pics, well you want to be sure that not the guy from next door or the next cubicle will recognize you and tell everybody and their dog about you being on a kink site, I often discussed how to maintain your privacy and protect your identity. Don't use anything you use on another network (FB for example) there are tons of facial recognition programs, a bit of shadow will add some mystery, you don't want the <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/romantic-or-creepy.html" target="_blank">creepy internet dude</a> to track you down and send you flowers and riddles. Also as a woman, if you want guys being interested in you (that means you as a person and not your orifices) don't pose naked. Yes, you will get less answers, but it's about quality and not quantity, that is unless you want somebody to contact you who's really only looking for a fuck bunny and the guys looking for a partner pass you by because they think you're just interested in dick (and that's not Richard). The explicit pics can wait, think about all the teens who text topless and naked shots and live to regret it, be a bit smarter.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Move fairly quick, a guy who's seriously interested will want to talk to you fairly soon, don't give out your home phone number but use a mobile, skype, etc. If somebody doesn't want to talk to you, they might have something to hide, also the time when they are talking to you, if they don't have time in the evenings or the weekends, chances are that they're married and just playing a game. They don't answer their phone on the weekends or in the evenings... Take a wild guess...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A guy who's serious about meeting somebody isn't going to wait 6 months, if he's dragging things out and out, maybe it's time to move on. Would you want to be with a guy who doesn't seem to think that meeting you is a priority? Doesn't really bode well for the future, does it?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I don't have to give you the drill about the usual stuff, like meeting in a public place, no play on the first date, going in your own car and all that, I hope you're adult enough to really consider your personal safety a priority. Just because it's got to do with kink doesn't mean that everybody into it is nice, nothing could be further from the <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/layouts-and-stuff.html" target="_blank">truth</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">When it comes to chatting and talking on the phone, without being a prude, don't get too sexual, a ton of guys out there who get their kicks from cyber and phone sex, don't put a poor cam girl or phone sex girl out of a job ;) No seriously, you don't want to invest time and possibly emotions into a guy who's just trying to get his rocks off via electronic means, you don't want to be his cyber or phone booty call.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Oh and another thing, ladies, let's be a bit realistic, it's nice to expect Prince Charming on the white horse and riding off into the sunset, but seriously, if your expectations are unrealistic, you won't get a lot of serious takers and possibly a bunch of wankers who just want to play games and have no desire to ever meet face to face. They'll lie to you because they know when you'd meet them they couldn't keep up the lie. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For those of you who still don't understand it, 50 Shades is FICTION, you're about as likely to meet kinky handsome, billionaires through a kink site as you are likely to meet them in the supermarket.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There's a lady who's complaining that she gets stood up regularly and she always gets super worked up and excited about meeting a submissive, only they never show up. Another poster was smart enough to look at her profile and summed up what she is looking for:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>1. Will be available for vanilla dates when you want. <br /> 2. Is a service slave, doing household chores for you. <br /> 3. Will have sex with your husband. <br /> 4. Will not have sex with you. <br /> 5. Will take branding, whipping, etc., from you. <br /> 6. Has no sissification fantasies. <br /> 7. Lives within two hours of ....... <br /> 8. Will financially support your household. <br /> <br /> Despite the fact that you're searching for Superman, he's gonna have to take the backseat to your husband. <br /> <br /> Forget it. Your expectations are unrealistic. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">That's what I meant with unrealistic expectations, any relationship, be it vanilla or BDSM is a give and take, even if it doesn't look like it, it involves 2 (or more) people, and they want something out of the relationship. That's not being calculating, that's just what it is. Otherwise, why would people be in relationships, if you're not getting what you want, it's much easier to be on your own and able to live your life how you chose to do it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="info">When it comes to looking for a partner, it might help to sit down and make a list, what you have to offer, what you need and what you'd be willing to compromise on. If you want Brad Pitt (the looks and the financial means) and you want all the kinks to mesh 100%, it's going to be a long long wait... </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="info">Seriously, please also consider all the other qualities apart from compatible kinks, when it comes down to it, you got to LIVE with that person, and if all you have in common is kink, it's not going to last. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="info">Another woman is more or less looking for a vanilla relationship, she doesn't want to top him, she doesn't want anything to do with fetishes but she wants him to be submissive to her, but she makes it quite clear that she won't do BDSM play, wants vanilla sex and romance, but she wants to "own" him. I guess she thinks she's some Princess and her Prince is hankering after her and ready to charge on his white horse when she wants. Maybe it is D/s however, there are pages of pages of what she doesn't want, which word should be in the reply so she'll actually will deign to read it, all with some cheesy generic pics of mythical animals and flowers. Then a journal full of pretty awful prose, has to be a certain age and live nearby... Judging from her profile she's been looking under that name for about 2 years... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="info">Girls, when it comes to kink, you do have all the advantages, men vastly outnumber women (especially submissive men to dominant women), but don't make the mistake of thinking that on a kink board you can get away with asking for the impossible.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="info">Also keep up your end of the bargain, if you're entering into a relationship WITH kink, don't take the kink out, don't think you can put up with it for a while and wean him off, won't work. The equivalent of a couple with a great sex life and a few years into the marriage it's down to lights out and missionary position once every month - if that happens, nobody wonders why the guy strays, so why should it be any different if you take the kink away? </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="info">Just a few hints, and I do hope things work out for you. Hey I met hubby on the internet too, we both weren't looking and it was actually a geek board, for quite a while he thought he was talking to a guy. Seeing how it turned out, I think he wasn't too disappointed, we still laugh because friends had bets going and the maximum of time they thought it would work was 6 months. I guess if you look just briefly, we don't seem to be very compatible. Seriously, compromises are normal in a relationship, but they can't be one-sided. Often women are too eager to please, there's nothing wrong with wanting to make your partner happy, as long as your partner also wants to make you happy. That would be something I'd really focus on if I'd ever be looking again (don't hope so).</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="info">Oh and please, do go into the first meeting with a clear head, don't really start planning the names of all future kids and their careers when you've just met. Because it's kink related doesn't mean the same stuff applies that applies to all other dating. Relationships tend to develop over time, not over night.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="info">Now should the guy really not be to your liking, have at least the decency to let him down easy, chances are that he's as insecure as you are (meeting strangers from the internet can be a bit stressful), he's made an effort, tell him you don't think you have the chemistry, don't point out every flaw you perceived, and don't think the first guy you'll meet will be THE ONE. Basically think about how you would feel if somebody would tell you that they don't think it's going to work and have the decency to treat another person the way you want to be treated.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="info">How was that for an agony aunt? Now if I have bored you to death, drop me a line and toss some ideas at me. I basically write when something catches my attention. In case I'm too boring, inspire me.... </span></span>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-23616048902895037192014-03-03T08:12:00.000-08:002014-03-03T08:12:43.390-08:00Why is it so hard to meet somebody online?<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Actually, I don't really agree with it, but it is something that comes up again and again in discussions, and not just guys claim that, also women. Though the women tend to complain a lot more about being stood up (which does happen, yours truly also has been stood up), guys tend to complain about women are so hard to approach.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Mind you, at the moment I'm more talking about life-style, leave Pro-Dommes aside for a moment, because that's pretty clear cut.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">When it comes to life-style, I guess it is quite difficult for guys to meet women, but guys, in all fairness, you make it pretty hard for yourself. I was just joking with a friend about it as I got a bunch of mails on CM and FL, where people claim to have read my profile and they deducted from that, that they're my ideal partner/slave/submissive...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now my profile states VERY VERY clearly, that I'm not looking, that I have a partner, I'm there for the forums and discussions. Sure if I got the time, I'll happily talk to somebody, but it really depends how somebody approaches me. If you approach me claiming to have read my profile and you clearly haven't, well, that's a bit of a bad start, isn't it? I mean you start out with telling me a big lie and then you wonder why I don't want to talk to you?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Basically you're telling me that you couldn't even take the time to find out ANYTHING about me, you might have looked at my picture and because you're a bit desperate, the little head started to do all the thinking. Additionally you just assume I'm so stupid that I won't spot your lie, you expect me to be flattered? I mean really? Might work in an alternative reality, unfortunately we're still on planet Earth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And nope, after I told you 3 times that I am not looking and my profile clearly says so, really no need to send me another message with "Let me know if you change your mind!" Buttercup, don't hold your breath!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Also if you want to friend me so you can tell me all about your kinks, hell no! Buddy, you're a stranger, why would I want to hear the explicit fantasies of a complete stranger? Do I look like a sex therapist or do you think my life revolves around you getting your rocks off? Even more if you send me messages in text speak. Seriously, I'm not 14 anymore and your profile says you're in your 50's and <i>"wud b interested in being ur friend </i></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>Im vy kinky n wud like 2 discuss this with u., btw u luk GORGEOUS!"</i> is the best you can do, I have to pass (and yes, it is copy and paste). Because I was still having my morning coffee and was procrastinating (something I do rather well) I replied and suggested that leading with your kink and spelling like a teenager texting doesn't really work. The reply was<span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif;"> that I should command him to spell right and he wants to talk NOW.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif;">Where do I start? 1st, I don't take orders from strange "submissive" men (Can you spot the contradiction?), 2nd don't effing tell me how to spend my time, 3rd why would I want to command a stranger? I'm not suffering from Domititis, I have no desire to command or dominate everybody and everything around me, that would be rude and very frustrating. I actually enjoy treating people in a polite manner, the clincher is, that I expect to be treated politely too. Pretty simple...</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif;">I am chatting with somebody currently, well several messages a day when we both have time, nothing in common kink wise and far away from each other, but he sent me a really nice and polite mail, wished me a nice day, and naturally I replied. We talked about all sort of things, and yeah, his kink came up too and his search. Because now we were already talking, it wasn't a bit deal, it was just something that came up, I think I could help him to identify a few problems and suggested that he might increase his chances by knowing how to do a good massage or a simple manicure, not perfect, just something that every woman loves to have done to her. Something that gives him a bit of "bargaining power" - though bargaining is the wrong word, if he can offer something that women want, he has a foot in the door, it's a lot easier than "Well, I can offer you my kinks", there's no shortage of those offers and he's competing in a very competitive arena where a lot of women always complain that guys just want something from them and they feel like a fetish delivery system. A guy who offers something without strings, he'll stand out, somebody might be tempted to get to know him and even if his kinks aren't 100% hers, a bit of give and take, and we make allowances for people we like. It really isn't rocket science!</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif;">Honestly, I can't give anybody a blue print and tell you exactly what works, but look what you have to offer (besides your kinks, do NOT lead with your kink) and treating women like you would treat them in a vanilla environment (in short, be a Gentleman, if she isn't a Lady, her loss and you wouldn't want her anyway, at least I hope you aren't that desperate) will go a long way.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif;">What I can tell you is what <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html" target="_blank">doesn't work</a> and what frustrates women without end!</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva, Arial, sans-serif;">Actually I planned to write something about women and why they might not be as successful as they wish when it comes to online dating, or kinky dating, but there is that pesky thing called work, and I best get to it, but I might give it a go next! </span> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-9548907315641700602014-02-27T05:36:00.001-08:002014-02-27T08:12:52.057-08:00Don't be a victim! Don't be Prey!After the last blog <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/romantic-or-creepy.html" target="_blank">update</a>, I got such a resonance from women and men who have been stalked, some of the stories were really harrowing and the stuff nightmares are made of. I was aware that it happens very often, I had no idea HOW often.<br />
<br />
I thought it's time to address it and show you that there is a life after and while being stalked, don't give the stalker power to take your life away, friends can tell you that I was in a bad state while it happened, my mistake was that I was late in looking for help, by help I don't mean talking to the police, though if anybody would start telephone terror again, I wouldn't even consider waiting until it "blows over", I would be straight down at the police. While it might not get worse and blow over, it's not worth taking the risk, seriously not.<br />
<br />
What I mean with looking for help is apart from all the legal steps (do NOT delete anything, keep all the messages, have them printed out as you don't want them to get lost in a computer crash, have a diary where you write down every attempt to make contact, all the usual drill) go and see a help group, seriously, I can't stress enough how important a help group is. Not every group is a good fit, so do shop around. There are also a lot of online resources, utilize them:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.pandys.org/articles/stalkingfacts.html" target="_blank">Pandora's Project - Resources for stalking victims</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.digital-stalking.com/what-is-stalking/" target="_blank">More Resources for Stalking Victims</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://netforbeginners.about.com/od/c/f/What-Is-Cyberstalking.htm" target="_blank">Cyberstalking</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-victims/ive-been-affected/stalking-and-harassment" target="_blank">Victim Support</a><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><a href="http://www.stalkinghelpline.org/creating-a-log/" target="_blank">Create a log</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><a href="http://cyberstalkerhelp.org/" target="_blank">http://cyberstalkerhelp.org/</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Set-Up-a-Disposable-Email-Address" target="_blank">Protect your eMail address</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><a href="http://burnerapp.com/" target="_blank">Protect your phone number</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><a href="http://womensissues.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=womensissues&cdn=newsissues&tm=13&f=00&tt=65&bt=7&bts=7&zu=http%3A//survivorsinaction.org/" target="_blank">Alexis Moore - Advocate for Stalking Victims</a> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><a href="http://askmistressdidi.wordpress.com/2012/05/09/how-to-stop-a-stalker/" target="_blank">Mistress Didi's Article on How To Stop A Stalker</a> </span><br />
<br />
<br />
Read the book: <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Gift-Fear-Survival-Violence/dp/0747538352" target="_blank">The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence </a><br />
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Here are is a summary or what you should watch out for, but please read the book, it's a very pleasant read and reads more like a thriller:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Forced Teaming. This is when a person implies that he has something
in common with his chosen victim, acting as if they have a shared
predicament when that isn't really true. Speaking in "we" terms is a
mark of this, i.e. "We don't need to talk outside... Let's go in."</li>
<li>Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a chosen
victim in order to manipulate him or her by disarming their mistrust.</li>
<li>Too many details. If a person is lying they will add excessive
details to make themselves sound more credible to their chosen victim.</li>
<li>Typecasting. An insult is used to get a chosen victim who would
otherwise ignore one to engage in conversation to counteract the insult.
For example: "Oh, I bet you're too stuck-up to talk to a guy like me."
The tendency is for the chosen victim to want to prove the insult
untrue.</li>
<li>Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help to the chosen victim and
anticipating they'll feel obliged to extend some reciprocal openness in
return.</li>
<li>The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when
no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise
will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, "I promise I'll leave you
alone after this," usually means the chosen victim will not be left
alone. Similarly, an unsolicited "I promise I won't hurt you" usually
means the person intends to hurt their chosen victim.</li>
<li>Discounting the Word "No". Refusing to accept rejection.</li>
</ul>
Please, do talk to the police rather sooner than later, I understand you might be embarrassed, especially if your stalker met you on a kink related board, but the longer you wait the more difficult it becomes and the police is there to protect you, not to judge your life-style choices.<br />
<br />
Warn them off ONCE, say loud and clear that you do not wish to have any further contact and keep a copy of it, or make a note about it, apart from that, nothing, do not give them a reaction, every reaction, even a "LEAVE ME ALONE" is encouragement for them... You tell them ONCE and then ignore, but do not delete their emails, you might need them if they "crank things up a bit".<br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red;">Fact: In the US only 37% of the male and 41% of the female stalking victims go to the police!</span><br />
<br />
I assume that in kink related cases the number is even higher due to the embarrassment of the victims, by NOT reporting a stalker, you're not only empowering the stalker, you also allow him or her to feel more secure and continue with his stalking, you're endangering somebody else! Think about it, wouldn't you have liked that his previous victim would have done something and stopped him or her?<br />
<br />
The "if you ignore the stalker he will go away" theory is FALSE, in almost every case the behaviour will escalate over time. Don't wait until it gets worse!<br />
<br />
Here is a rather sobering fact sheet<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><a href="http://www.victimsofcrime.org/docs/src/stalking-fact-sheet_english.pdf?sfvrsn=4" target="_blank">Stalking Fact Sheet</a> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: white;">About 10% of all the victims were stalked for 5 years or more. Can you afford to live in terror for 5 years or longer?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">If you see signs of somebody being stalked, don't look away, you could be the next victim!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: white;">Look, being stalked is hardly ever the victim's fault, in most cases it isn't a complete stranger but somebody you know, be it in real life or online. There is no telling why somebody stalks you, most of them aren't even "crazy" in the usual term of the word, as in they haven't been diagnosed with a mental disorder. So the typical stalker that obsesses over a celeb is actually the minority. In terms of statistics, about 80% of the stalking victims are women, almost 90% of the stalkers are men.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: white;">What you shouldn't do is retaliate! Leave it to the authorities, it's not uncommon that the stalker will claim to be the victim and if you try to warn him or her off, she might actually take legal steps and claim you are the one doing the stalking (I was actually accused by my stalker of stalking him among a lot of other stuff, just to try and get others to cut contact with me). It's normal that you want to strike back and defend yourself, but by doing that, you are playing into the stalker's hands! In a lot of cases they also make false allegations to the police (been there), to cause trouble, their goal is to disrupt your life. A stalker in almost every case WILL make up lies about you, he wants you on the defensive, he wants to isolate you from your friends, for a stalker that IS a power game and he wants to present himself in a good light.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
They will try to befriend people around you, it's a way of getting to you and they will try to influence them, sometimes they will succeed. I lost a lot of friends, some have disappointed me, but to be honest, in general, even while it hurt, I'm better off without them.<br />
<br />
I'm not going to lie to you and claim that you're going to come out of such an experience unchanged, hell, I'm seriously dented, but you CAN get through and the sooner you get help, the quicker you react and ask for help, the less damaging it is for you. It was my mistake to wait too long, you know the "ignore him and he will go away" approach, I ended up throwing up so much, that my throat was sore and I had to deal with mouth ulcers as a result from the stomach acid. We went through changing numbers, you know removing myself as a target, it doesn't help, they're obsessed. Basically everything you do as a reaction to the stalking is a reaction for the stalker, something that tells him he's successful. They might be nuts, but most of them are cunning, they have to be or else they'd be arrested.<br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"> </span> </span><br />
The best way is to avoid stalkers, however that's often not possible, because you don't have to invite them into your life, they force their way in, but a few clues how you might recognize them online:<br />
<br />
If you see them following a poster around obsessively and trying to goad that poster or make snide remarks about him or her, it's a pretty good sign, just be careful and stay away from them.<br />
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I can't tell you enough how important it is to document everything, I know it's a lot of work, but you might need every piece of evidence you have, make screen shots, print them out, keep chat logs, phone logs, everything. It is normal to delete everything because you want nothing to do with the person (made that mistake myself) but it is exactly the wrong thing to do. It's overwhelming, I know, but chances are your stalker has experience and has stalked others before, he will know every trick in the book, why give him even more of an advantage?<br />
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If something feels creepy, trust your instincts:<br />
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Look, you are certainly not alone in this:<br />
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Your silence empowers your stalker! Speak out! Get help! Contact the police and helplines!<br />
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Even if the videos bore you, here are a few more, seriously, if you wonder if you are being stalked, you probably are. Watch this 3 part series and listen to what the retired police officer says: Stalkers don't have boundaries!<br />
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<br />
Here is a documentary about cyberstalking, it's quite long and I haven't seen it completely yet...<br />
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<br />
And here is a somewhat sensational approach about stalking and how to decode their behaviour, those cases usually end up with murder, it doesn't need to go that far for you to be afraid, but you really shouldn't take anybody stalking you lightly!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-45360626793780025212014-02-24T12:18:00.002-08:002014-02-26T08:26:52.993-08:00Romantic or creepy?<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Again, it all started off on a message board, some guy wanted to know what ticks Dommes off the most, a bunch of women chimed in, after all there isn't really that much difference in orientation, you're a woman on the internet, you get approached, even worse if it's a kink related message or discussion board, it's just the way it is. Doesn't make it alright or acceptable but you may as well complain about the weather or taxes...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So anyway, the discussion goes, pretty much the usual stuff, then guy shows up from out of nowhere and complains why women don't reply to messages, again the women try to explain that often a polite "Thank you, but no thank you!" will lead to insults hurled at us, it's sometimes easier to just delete and not reply. Somebody pointed out that not everybody is on there to hook up and find a partner, the ones that are, his profile might cancel him out, due to location, age, preference, etc. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Needless to say he thought if you're on a board you're more or less obliged to talk to anybody who contacts you via a PM (though a bit scared when I suggested that he makes a female profile just for a day to see what kind of messages he would get, to better understand why some women won't reply).</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">What I found odd was that he insisted that we agree, when we actually didn't, should have given me a pause (I shouldn't be a sucker for socially inept <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/layouts-and-stuff.html" target="_blank">people</a>) but it seemed harmless enough, discussion on a message board kinda stuff. I just didn't reply because there was no point discussing with somebody and you say "This looks blue" and he insists that it's yellow and we agree on that.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Shortly after that he sent me a PM where he asked if he could discuss something with me that he wanted advise on. I told him that I'm not an oracle, but I can give him the female POV.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">To cut a long story short, he found a female profile on the site that he felt might be his soul mate, I suggested contacting her, he already had sent her a letter but she hadn't read it and she hadn't even logged on for 30 days or something.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So I carefully explain again, it's not a dating site despite some people use it as such, she might not looking, might no longer be looking, maybe she has a relationship now and that is why she isn't online... Also it's an online profile, you can't tell - even if she was looking - if they have chemistry, if he's her type, all that, a bit too early to talk about a "potential soulmate".</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Then it got really really creepy when he replied:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><i></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Yup maybe. But I'm willing to give it a shot. Being a bit of a geek I tracked her down. <br />Since we make a very good fit on so many points I've got a few ideas on how to proceed :) <br /><br />One
is to solicit her professional services (as a businesswoman) and other
is to offer mine (as a photographer). Also judging from her profile I
had some some creative ideas to play with her mind a bit, sending her a
rose an then a rose extra in addition to the sum earlier, each day in
different colors. In the end it would play out like a Simon Says game
and then a message would be revealed. <br /><br />I also just thought about sending her a letter. <br />I'm casually on the whole evening now doing some studies so please stop by when you can if you want! </i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>
<br />I really want to give this one a go :) </i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I tried to discourage him, told him the photographer thing, not really, it's a bit stale (especially since he isn't a professional photographer, really the worst pick-up line), cautioned him to take a step back and consider it from her point of view, somebody sending me roses anonymously with messages, letting me know he tracked me down, it would FREAK ME OUT. It is stalkerish and it is an intrusion of my privacy, no if and no but, unless somebody gives you the real name and invites you to have contact outside of a message board, YOU DON'T DO IT, you don't force your attentions on somebody or force your way into their life. Period!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I really thought he got it, but nope, next reply:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><i></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>She wishes to have someone to photograph her for a special project. <br />And heh, what do you mean with delete? I mean send her actual roses with a deliveryman of course :) <br /><br />I know the stalker thing is a risk, but hey...a risk worth taking I think. <br />I've tracked her down so I've learned a little bit more. <br /><br />What would be the most careful way do you think? Especially for a dominant lady of reasonable experience and intelligence. </i></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">My reply was simple: Somebody tracking me down, I would freak out, seriously, I'd call the cops.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">He couldn't understand why:</span><br />
<br />
<i>I think she'd be a little flattered. <br /><br />Look, that's partly the reason why i asked you for advice. <br />There are ways to charm someone. I've rarely had the need to. <br /><br />Why
would you call the cops if someone saw your picture somewhere, read
some poem you had just thrown into the dustbin and took a fancy to you
and went around the world to find you only to say hello. <br /><br />I'd be charmed. </i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I explained th</span><span style="font-size: small;">at he is not a woman</span><i>, </i><span style="font-size: small;">she</span><span style="font-size: small;"> has a profile on a kink site, approaching her in real life with "Look how clever I </span><span style="font-size: small;">am</span><span style="font-size: small;">! I tracked you down!" Most sane people would react with "Call the police, </span><span style="font-size: small;">I didn't give this person my address, if he goes through such gr</span><span style="font-size: small;">eat length to find a stran</span><span style="font-size: small;">ger without an invitation, what </span><span style="font-size: small;">else is that person capable of?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Again, he didn't understand, I tried to be clearer (should have possibly painted a picture, held up a stop sign) nothing worked, so I figured my attempts at being diplomatic don't work at all and told him that he has an unhealthy obsession over an internet avatar. He might reflect a bit, he doesn't want to get into trouble with the authorities, possibly a jealous boyfriend, tracking somebody down IS CREEPY and WRONG, it went back and forth a few times and I tried to make it clear to him that it is "highly unlikely" that it would have the desired effect, that it is NOT a healthy approach. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Guess what, after a few more messages he got really angry with me because I didn't tell him what a wonderful idea it is</span>, typical for stalkers, you contradict them and when they can't pretend that you are in agreement with you, they get nasty <waves over to MF><br />
<br />
<br />
<i>That's what I get for placing my trust with random people on the internet.<br />Not
everyone here are a creep. I thought that I had perhaps found my
soulmate and just wanted some pointers. But you obviously think the
worst of people. </i><br />
<br />
For anybody who's interested, I threw the question up on CM and most people really agreed that it certainly isn't the done thing, I think only one woman said it might not turn out quite as bad as everybody thinks... <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.collarchat.com/m_4645268/tm.htm" target="_blank">http://www.collarchat.com/m_4645268/tm.htm</a><br />
<br />
<br />
OK, you are possibly sick and tired of my soap box, but honestly, please protect yourselves, I know everybody thinks stalking is something that happens to others, it's not and you really do not want to be on the receiving end of it!<br />
<br />
Again:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Do NOT give out any email addy that is connected with your social networks, make a new one that you use only for kink boards and interactions, don't even THINK of using your professional email addy (think about the fun the guys in the IT department might have with that, and if they fire you, this is NOT something you want to come up in a law suit if you appeal)</li>
<li>Do not post facial pictures, especially not ones you use on other networks (FB etc) as well, there are tons of facial recognition programs out there. Shadows work marvellously well and add a bit of mystique </li>
<li>If you are on a message board and there is a poster or a posse of posters who will follow a person who upset them around to have pops at them, be VERY VERY CAREFUL, people aren't that different online than they are in real life (fell for that one myself and regretted it), they don't even need to address the person, they will try to comment in the same thread, throw snide remarks, it's a very very good indicator! Chances are they have been warned by the mods and are "playing the game" but they can't stop their stalkerish tendencies</li>
<li>Get a Google number or get a cheap phone, if you're in the US a burner phone is great</li>
<li>Use common sense, don't expect that everybody into BDSM is a friend, a hell lot of different people are into BDSM</li>
<li>Watch the language of somebody, if they claim to adore women but always use terms like "chicks" and such, it's a bad sign</li>
<li>Pretending to be super submissive or super macho - RED FLAG</li>
<li>Sexual slurs like "seem to be gay" and all that stuff, quite a few of them are homophobes (and I expect closet queers) </li>
<li>Seriously, if somebody gives you the creeps, trust your gut feeling</li>
</ul>
End of soap box rant, stay well and look after yourselves! <br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-74896550041025828852014-02-20T05:56:00.001-08:002014-02-21T08:12:29.915-08:00Don't send cock shots...I said it before, but I just got a bunch of them in the mail again, one guy claiming his Domme wants him to send those shots to 3 different Dommes a day for "evaluation" (yes, and I have a bridge to sell), come on, it's a bit ridiculous...<br />
<br />
I ranted about it before <a href="http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html" target="_blank">http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html</a><br />
<br />
Don't be THAT guy, honestly, it's not attractive....<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://marialspr.blogdetik.com/files/2011/04/cybersex-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://marialspr.blogdetik.com/files/2011/04/cybersex-1.jpg" height="308" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
PS: If you do send me a cock shot, I shall retaliate (and have) with the picture above and hope it burns itself into your retina!<br />
<br />
<br />
Btw since I activated Google+ I don't seem to get any more comments on my blog (not even insulting ones, how sad is that), anybody knows how to fix it?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1557095701477634010.post-68416124341260840882014-02-18T08:25:00.000-08:002014-02-18T09:02:44.684-08:00Of Men and errr Women...It was something I read on a message board, a kink board, but in a way it really doesn't just translate to kink but almost every situation where men and women interact in relationships or attempts to form relationships.<br />
<br />
Background is, a guy new to BDSM (D-type) gets a boner each time somebody calls him Sir, which is a bit inconvenient because he's in the military (tight briefs, Sir, forget about wearing boxer shorts, Sir - sorry, couldn't resist) and if he goes shopping he eyes up women and wonders how their breasts would look with clamps, their butts with his hand prints...<br />
<br />
So in short a discussion got sparked off, nothing unusual, most people had the take <i>"Your thoughts are free, as long as you don't stare or make it obvious, nobody knows what you are thinking, if it bothers you, concentrate on your tax bill..."</i><br />
<br />
Topic went a bit off track, as it happens everywhere but especially on the internet.<br />
<br />
Some women expressed a dislike for being leered at (understandable), men declared it as a compliment and we should be happy, and a guy threw in the question:<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"Hey, you girls can't tell me that you never looked at a stranger and wondered how it would feel if his cock would slide into you...."</i><br />
<br />
Much bewilderment amongst the female participants (dominants and subs alike) and pretty resounding <i>"No, not really! Never!"</i> <br />
<br />
More bewilderment from the men, all women (even some who said they have an abnormally high sex drive) bewildered that the guys don't understand...<br />
<br />
Light bulb moment and a woman asking<i> "Is that why strange men send us cock pictures? They really think we want to see this?"</i><br />
<br />
It really does explain a lot, it's not completely new and all that, but I hardly have ever seen it spelled out that clear. Deep down we all know that men and women process things a bit different, but sometimes it just takes something like that to make it all crystal clear.<br />
<i> </i><br />
Somewhere else there was another comment, when a guy asked if all Dommes want payment, there were a couple of funny remarks, I was tempted to say <i>"You can pay in blood, and nope, I'm not a vampire or a blood bank!"</i> But figured it's not good form to scare newbies, so for a change I actually DID behave (can I have a round of applause please?)<br />
<br />
A good one came from a dominant Lady:<br />
<i>"Basically, you're going to have to pay in some sort of currency or another to be in a relationship with a woman."</i><br />
<br />
Another great comment came from a switch guy who seems to understand women very well:<i><br />"In gender-sensitive language, women want <b>something</b> out of the
"relationship", and, the more impersonal the relationship, the more
impersonal the "thing" that women want out of said relationship."</i><br />
<br />
Or as DominaM said once (I'm paraphrasing since I don't recall her exact words):<br />
<i>"You don't pay us to dominate you, you pay us to go away and not dominate you and call you up, when we want that iced coffee at 3am in the morning!"</i> <br />
<br />
It basically boils down to a conversation I had on the blog of <a href="http://hermajestysplaything.blogspot.co.uk/?zx=1ec1deb91fb0374d" target="_blank">hermajestysplaything</a> where we discussed what goes into a D/s relationship and how to make sure that it has a long life, and the idea is really trying to meet each other half-way and COMMUNICATION, not just talking AT each other, but listening what the other person is really saying.<br />
<br />
Kinky relationships really aren't all that different from real relationships, still humans involved with feelings and all that...<br />
<br />
Sorry if I didn't deliver the perfect blue print, in case anybody has one, please give me a shout!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017107251385332618noreply@blogger.com0