BDSM and betrayal

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The theme comes up from time to time if it is betrayal if somebody is married and sees a pro domme, if you want to have everything in black and white and no shades of grey or colours exist in your world, then it’s of course a betrayal, unless you have the permission of your SO.

Now only if life would always be so simple… So many people think they can suppress their craving for BDSM and it doesn’t always work this way. Falling in love often makes you think everything is possible and that you can change. It’s also possible to fall in love with a person and love somebody you share your life with, without sharing every aspect of your sexuality with that person.

If your spouse is simply not into BDSM, and you force her to do something that she hates, it’s simply wrong.  I believe forcing somebody who’s vanilla to the core to play your domme and the person hates it every second, you just build up resentment and damage your relationship beyond repair. Apart from the fact that it comes close to abuse, have you considered how your partner may feel about it?

I shouldn’t have to say it again, but I think it can’t be said enough: Somebody who isn’t into BDSM is not narrow minded, is not boring or uptight and all that, they are simply not wired that way. Just like you might not be wired to find men sexually attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, just like there is nothing wrong with us. Being different doesn’t make you right or wrong, being into BDSM doesn’t make you a better and more open minded person (if you doubt me, have a look at MF).

I’ve said before that I met the nicest and most open minded people through BDSM, and it’s true, but to be fair, I also met the scummiest racist assholes, misogynists, bigoted wankers and backstabbing, stalking dirtbags through it. All it is is a sexual preference, doesn’t make you morally superior, more open minded and all that.

Would be nice if you could trust everybody who’s into BDSM, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t! Just like with everything else you should be careful who you trust, because the real scumbags are good at hiding their identity.

Getting back to the theme, it would be preferable if you could get your spouse to have an interest into BDSM, it won’t always work and you don’t want to shock her, so be careful with what you tell her and how you tell her. Give her time to get used to it and start with VERY MILD activities.

Now in case she balks and is shocked if you bring up some very mild activities like some mild bondage, don’t push any further and just let it rest.  Pressuring her won’t help, it will be a good way to mess up your relationship.

In case you won’t be happy without certain activities from time to time, go and see a pro domme. If you know the wife would freak out, well then shut the fuck up about it. You have to be aware that your first responsibility is to your wife and your family, that’s why I said go to a pro and keep it as a business transaction, don’t fool yourself into thinking this is the new great romance and you should leave your family for her. Do your best to hide it from your wife. I know it’s not honest, but in this case, honesty would only hurt your spouse, she would start to doubt herself, wonder why she can’t be everything for you and all that. Hardly anybody can be everything for somebody else.

Here’s a very sobering thought, I know a lot of people who got married because they were BDSM compatible, and in a lot of cases the guy simply loses all clear vision, it’s almost like a sub feeding frenzy: For the 1^st time there is somebody who indulges him and satisfies his kinks, they often get so blinded that they marry in a rush, only to find out that hardly anybody can live it 24/7. It’s the equivalent of vanilla people having great sex. Sorry for being crude, but a good fuck doesn’t make somebody compatible in other aspects or a good life partner. Long term you need a hell lot more than kink compatibility and infatuation.

So in case you decided to see a pro because you would be unhappy suppressing your BDSM desires, you owe it to your spouse (in case she would be hurt to find out) to make sure she will never find out. You also owe it to your family to not deprive them of money, if you can’t afford it, skip your lunch and save up for it. I know not nice, but tell yourself that it’s part of your service if it makes it easier. Go for the cheap option. Clean out the attic or the cellar and sell a lot of the stuff you don’t need on eBay, Craig’s List or Gumtree.

Apart from that, if you feel guilty, deal with it, don’t use the excuse that you want to be honest about it and burden your wife with the knowledge. Your feelings for her don’t change, if she’s not wired to share BDSM with you, knowing about it would make her unhappy, just so you could feel a bit better about “having been honest”. All you do is burden her with it so you feel a bit better and have the excuse of being honest.

It’s not her fault that she doesn’t like BDSM, just like it’s not your fault that you like it, but you owe it to her and yourself to keep your feelings in check, don’t session like crazy and make sure your family isn’t lacking anything.

Oh and something else, if you treat her like your personal servant, expect her to do everything in the house, have your dinner on the table on time and all that -  you’re not encouraging her to be a dominant, especially if you only want her to be dominant when and however it suits you. Think about that one before you claim the next time that you’re wife is just boring vanilla!

Btw here is a pretty good video, though it must be a bit old or quite a bit away from Central London, £150 an hour doesn't seem to be realistic for London, especially for the outrageous rents there.

 

Ever fallen in love with a pro domme?

Ever fallen in love with a pro domme?

Have you ever fallen in love with a professional domme? Happens, unfortunately quite frequently and you know what I am going to tell you, right? Get a reality check.

Let’s assume for a moment that it’s going to work out and she feels the same way you do, and you’re both single, it does happen, though not very often, what then? You think it’s really cool and for a while you might be deliriously happy, but then reality sets in.

All those kinky things you really like, she’ll possibly will still be doing them with others and unless you are one of the very rare guys that aren’t jealous, it’s going to cause some friction. First you’ll feel a bit odd about it, but over time resentment will build up and all too often you’re going to clash and have arguments….

I know, all the cool clothes, tools and all that, and you got free access to it, and a fetish delivery system – sorry, dominant girlfriend – on top of that. Sounds great, but hey, maybe she is a bit tired when she comes back from work, maybe she just wants to have a foot rub? You know she spent the whole day in those cool boots that just aren’t comfortable, those really nice corsets, I love them but they really aren’t all that comfortable… I think most BDSM clothes look really great and hot and I do love wearing them, but they JUST AREN’T COMFORTABLE! So running around the house in it, not really. A day in the dungeon and you’re actually really happy to put the fuzzy slippers on, and something that’s comfy.

Oh you want to play now? But I’m just a bit tired, I just want to flop out on the sofa and please, how about that foot rub? You’re not into feet if they’re not in boots or high heels… Oh dear…

Another day, we’re both in the mood to play and I got some new tricks and I’m going to do some really cool things to you. What do you mean? Where did I learn them? In the dungeon of course. Who was the guy? A client… Why are you pulling a face? Why do you have to ruin the mood? You do know what I do…

Yet another day or week, I’m so looking forward to coming home, and wow, we’re going to have some fun. Why do you need to know why I am aroused all of a sudden? What happened, what have I done, who have I met? Why are you so grumpy? Look, let’s not talk about all this, the mood is ruined now anyway, let’s watch some TV….

I know I’m a kill joy, but seen it happening frequently and it never really works out long term. To be honest, I can’t even blame the guys, it must be really difficult if you know that your gf is doing all those things you like with other guys. Oddly enough often guys who aren’t submissive have less of a problem with it, because it’s stuff they don’t want to have done to them. If you’re into it, sooner or later you’re just going to ask yourself what she’s doing, if she might enjoy it more with somebody else. You think that you met her as a client, so maybe she will meet somebody else… It may work in the first honeymoon phase, but once reality and jealousy sets in, the sparks are going to fly and not in a good way. Or resentment sets in festers, which is even worse…

Then of course there are those who are in relationships and the bloom might be off a bit, the wife might not scratch the kinky urges and all of a sudden there is an attractive female who does. Quite natural to think that a life like that would be bliss…

Reality check: Divorces are messy, would you really leave the partner you have spent years with and build a life together with and risk it all? Even if the domme is willing to make a start with you – see above. Could you really cope with it? REALLY?

How about us? You think we are going to trust a guy who leaves his partner for us? Chances are he's going to leave us too if something more tempting comes along. 

There’s nothing wrong with having a mild crush on the woman you session with, it makes it more exciting, but you are doing everybody a favour if you do reality checks from time to time and you don’t let it get out of hand.

In case you’re going overboard and she has a shred of morals, she’ll give you a talk and will try to discourage you. While it might be flattering that a guy falls in love with you, it’s also a bit uncomfortable. Somebody has feelings for you you just don’t and can’t return. It’s really icky. Talk about walking on egg shells!  You’d like to do something, but you double check with yourself if he might not misunderstand it. Woah, talk about stress and feeling uneasy.

It’s a bit like that guy in high school who was crushing on you and you were in the same group, but you just weren’t interested and you tried to avoid him or just be normal and friendly to him.

From a business point of view it’s even worse, if the guy doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll be angry and disillusioned. Best thing that’s going to happen is that you have a disgruntled client who’ll bitch about you, possibly going on about “leading him on” (even if he really didn’t take the hints), or if he’s a complete idiot, he’s going to cause trouble, if he’s mentally unstable he might stalk you.

I hear a lot about guys who complain that they were led on, yes, some dommes will, being a domme doesn’t make everybody into a nice moral being, hey, being a kinkster doesn’t turn everybody into a nice person, get with the program! I hear all about your vulnerability as a submissive, but let me put the breaks on for a moment. Being a submissive doesn’t mean you turn all of a sudden into a brainless and spineless creature. You are having a sexual preference, it’s just that, a sexual preference, it’s not a brain tumour or free pass to stop using your brain and good judgement! As a grown up, you learned – or should have learned during puberty – to not think with your lower regions. You’re a grown up, act like one. Your sexual preference doesn’t influence your work life, does it? It doesn’t stop you from hanging out with friends and enjoying yourself, if you are having an abusive friend, you’d get rid of him or her.

In case you are perfectly capable of leading a normal life outside of the dungeon, don’t leave your brain outside once you enter a dungeon. BDSM is a sport for grown ups, act like one. Have frequent reality checks. If you’re applying for a job, you check the company, you don’t just hear what you want to hear, if you’re employing an electrician or a plumber, you also listen to what they say and do a reality check. In case they promise you to turn your fish tank into a combines TV/microwave – you’d tell them to take a hike. If a female insurance sales person flirts with you to get you to sign an insurance you don’t need, you decline.

Let me repeat something: You are going to a PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX (hint: the clue is in professional), you are paying a few hundred bucks to get you kinky needs met. Doesn’t mean there can’t be a friendship outside those sessions, but you aren’t having the most meaningful relationship ever just because you pay to session with her. Friendships are mutual things.

Now if you want to know if it is a real friendship or just a “business friendship lite” ask yourself, would she still be in contact with you if you weren’t a client? If the answer is yes, then you are really friends, enjoy. If the answer is no, then you’re having a casual friendship with somebody you also like on a professional basis. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s UP TO YOU to do that reality check. Don’t put the responsibility on the domme.

Now in case a domme does play with your feelings, it’s not very ethical, yes, but on the other hand, shouldn’t you have thought about a bunch of things yourself and taken responsibility for your own actions? You know, waited until you haven’t got a hard-on anymore and can use your brain and then asked yourself a few questions, namely why somebody half your age would spend time with you… Again, you might find a hint in the word professional.

Now before you tell me that I’m all negative against pro dommes, I am not! Trust me, I do know how much it costs to have equipment, fetish clothes and all that, it’s an investment. Learning how to do it takes time. It’s not easy money, you have to like what you are doing or else it really fucks you up, heck, it sometimes even fucks you up if you like it because you aren’t always dealing with well adjusted people. 

The thing is, because you had a mind blowing hour in the dungeon, it doesn’t mean you own a piece of our ass, it doesn’t mean we are responsible for your feelings. You came out of your own free will because you wanted to purchase that hour, and you possibly feel a lot better once you got those desires out of your system. We’re not therapists, if it feels therapeutic for you, GREAT! But please, do not make the pro domme responsible for your whole life, your feelings and what you decide to do with your life. If that would be an option, we’d offer monthly or yearly contracts, not play by the hour!

Sorry for the long rant, but just got off the phone, a friend of mine (yep, a pro domme) just told me that one of her clients decided to tell her that he left the wife and wants to live with her happy ever after. From what she told me, and knowing her quite well, entirely believable, they sessioned twice a month. Sometimes sat down for a chat or a coffee, he knows she’s married and there was never any talk about it being more than a professional relationship and a bit of friendly chitchat about work, his hobbies and vacations. She actually thought he was well grounded but apparently midlife crisis got the better of him!