Saturday, 29 March 2014

Mind Fucks - 50 Shades Of Fear

Somebody started a discussion about mind fucks, in the end it turned out that he didn't mean a mind fuck in a scene, fear play, but mental domination in the form of using female wiles, turned out he meant more obedience training or behaviour modification.

Of course I misunderstood terribly and gave examples of mind fucks in scenes, which is something I just love.

Now let me use a disclaimer first, in a relationship, mind fucks have no place, I would find them wrong, dishonest, manipulative and just fairly disgusting. Not that I am super moralistic, but I'm simply too freaking lazy to pretend, what you see is what you get, it's fairly easy, nobody needs to waste time. If you don't like what you see, well, move on, I'm not right for you and honestly, I just can't be bothered to wear a mask and pretend to be somebody I'm not. Far too much effort and I'm a lazy bitch. I'm not above a snark and sometimes follow it up with a bite that takes out a chunk, call it my personal charm...

In a relationship, I don't want to play cloak and dagger, I want to be able to take somebody at face value, and that's it. I can deal with people who tell me I'm an a-hole, great, we got that out of the way, we don't need to pretend we're best friends, we can avoid each other and be civil, cool beans. What I can't stand is the fake friendliness (the one big complaint I have about LA - apart from the traffic jams).
The funny thing is, people tend to like me or hate me, and hey, that's cool with me! As long as I know where I stand, really no issue...

But back to mind fucks, in a scene, yeah, I do love them because they are fun and I can get off on the fear. I actually had a talk about some of the mind fucks I did with H, and apart from cringing and yelling "Shit, I had no idea what a sadist you are - don't ever do that with me, go and find somebody who gets off on it, I don't mind, but no, no fucking way..." (which made me laugh) he giggled like a girl and almost wet his pants.

It was actually his idea about a blog entry about the mind fucks, he even suggested a book, but hey, another book the world doesn't need...

So here we go, most of it happened during the time I was pro-domming, and no harm was done.

So while working in a commercial dungeon part time (I always got my kink on on Saturdays or Sundays, sure I'm going to hell for that one, which is great so I'll meet all my friends again and I'm much more of a warm weather person anyway), we had this particularly annoying caller who told us that nobody can break him, we're all just fakers. Business was slow due to it being the Easter weekend, so I suggested a free session, not thinking the guy would show up, surprise, he did (yeah, a freebe can do that to people), I hadn't really had it thought through, so I needed to improvise.

Hot iron (as in clothes iron) plugged in, the guy strapped down face down, I told him that I will brand him with the iron and that will break him, he started sweating and yelling about dangers, so I put a gag into his mouth, made a big show about checking the heat of the iron by spitting on my finger and putting the finger on the iron, sizzling sound. Told him I have to wait until it's red hot so make sure the brand would last, frantic muffled yelling. Me slapping a blindfold on him, sitting on top of him and telling my colleague to check the iron again. Again sizzling sound, what little twerp didn't know, we had a packet of fish fingers in the freezer (actually shame that it wasn't vanilla ice cream, that would have been just too ironic) and after flogging him a bit and treating him with a whip and deep heat (fucking marvellous invention, love it, so many evil ways to use it), his shoulders were on fire anyway. We put the frozen fish fingers on briefly, while my colleague threw some cut off fingernails into a candle, terrible stink, guy almost passed out. We had great fun taking the piss out of him and how some frozen fish fingers broke him - he never called again, the boring Easter Sunday shift had a comedic value...

Next one was in another dungeon, great white room (white rooms are medical rooms) with a sky light, OB gyn chair and all the trimmings. Never been so super keen on medical scenes but always like scrotal inflations, a bit of electrical and stuff, and the cool white can make a nice contrast to a sizzling hot (even without an iron) scene, but in general, I do prefer a room with spanking benches, crosses and all that, that's just my lil old perverted self...

So anyway, this guy came regularly every 8 weeks, always wanted to have a castration role play, and ALWAYS complained that it was not realistic enough. I was torn between telling him to eff off and a desire to make it real. It became almost an obsession, and finally I had enough...

A friend of mine had an electric knife, as in kinky electrostimulation knife, in short it's an electric device that feels like you're being cut, but you aren't... Along with borrowing that knife (dreadfully expensive though) came a trip to a halal butcher, to purchase lambs testicles and fresh blood.
Client came, wanted the castration role play again, bitching that hopefully this time it would be more realistic, blah blah... Oh fuck, would I let him have it!

Microwave and heat up the blood, put it into a thermos and hide it, has to be warm enough, hide the lambs testicles under the OB gyn chair, take the mirrors away (don't want him to see the slight of hand), put some deep heat (Finalgon works well, water based) ready as it will increase the pain by making the nerve endings more sensitive, mask the smell with tea tree oil (nice medical smell).

Put him into the chair, went through the usual "preparation" and "talk" about him being a rapist and we will sterilize him in prison, secured him in the chair, a bit of the usual play before and a few needles through the skin, showing him the scalpel, quickly exchanging it under the chair for the electric knife, he was screaming in pain, I pretended to be pissed off and yelled "Shut off or I really do it" and just telling him I had enough with him playing pretend, electric knife, him screaming in pain and convulsing, while I poured the warmed up blood over his lower regions and the lamb testicles and then held them up yelling "So is that realistic enough, you stupid fuck, you pushed me too far..." 

Yeah, it was fucking realistic, he wouldn't stop screaming for ages, despite me yelling at him to check, he still got the family jewels, everything in place, it was just realistic...

I actually had to slap him (with my bloody gloves, which made him scream more) and it took a good while to calm him down. Fucking idiot, really, I mean lambs testicles tend to be a lot bigger than your average human testicles (and trust me, I have seen my fair share of them) and without being mean, this guy didn't have stones, he had pebbles as in pebble dash. No way those things could ever have been his.

Yeah, we lost a regular, guess he finally got as realistic as he wanted... What can I say, even Dommes sometimes aim to please...

Now there was also this guy who wanted to be dominated by a drunk and out of control Domme, something that I just wouldn't ever entertain doing, but hey, using cheap booze as a mouth wash, a cognac soaked tissue in my bra, slurring my speech and stumbling a bit... I leave you guessing, let's just say it involved a strapon and a piece of raw liver that I had hidden somewhere and put and placed at the end of a strapon after pounding him at the strategically right moment...

Fuck yeah, I do like a good mind fuck.... Anybody feeling a bit queasy?

And yes, for years my sig line used to be "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it, in unexpected ways..."

Awww, sometimes I do miss pro-domming... And yeah, I might be a sadistic bitch, but I don't want to maim anybody - well, most of the time ;)

Friday, 28 March 2014

Not a real Domme - WTF does that mean?

OK, so I recently heard that I'm not a weal and twue Domme, because I do some really undominant stuff, like volunteering for charities,  if I can, I like to help people out, I like animals and I don't eat meat, I think I'm privileged that I am fairly healthy, and I can't help but feeling that's down to dumb luck, you know such things as surviving cancer without much of a scratch (apart from donating an ovary, but hey, a ton of cancer victims would wish to be so lucky), I can't help to feel that somehow it puts me in a place where I have an obligation, not sure to whom, let's just call it the universe, to give something back.

Lately I got a whole bunch of messages about how I camouflage as a sadist, because real sadists aren't nice. Well fuck me sideways, I'm terribly sorry that being a person with a life messes with your idea about how a Domme should be. How dare I have a life, interests outside of BDSM, and how dare I being a decent human being? I know it's outrageous and somebody will rip up my Domme card, I guess it's time to confess that I don't walk around clad in leather 24/7 as well or keep slaves in my (non-existent) basement... No, I also don't have an urge to dominate everything I come in contact with, with people it would just be rude, with furniture it would be freaking useless and I'd look like a fool, with the dogs, well I have to be the alpha to make them follow orders (it's the pecking order), with the cats, they'd just laugh if I'd try to boss them around! I guess I'm fucked now...

Honestly, I like BDSM, it's part of my genetic makeup, hardwired, but it's not ALL of my life, it's a small part of my life, quite an essential part, admittedly, but I don't want to have tunnel vision. There is so much more to life than just BDSM, you know just hanging out with friends, a job, all that....

As for the sadist part, yeah, I'm a sadist but I'm also human and I'm NOT (and hope I will never be) an abuser.
So that rules out hurting people who don't voluntarily sign up to be hurt, because it turns me on to see somebody in pain, because I like inflicting pain to somebody who voluntarily signed up for it, be it because he or she wants to endure if for me, or because they crave the pain. It doesn't make a bad person because it's consensual.

So if you think I need to be a bitch 24/7 so your stereotypical tunnel vision is not disturbed, how about you kindly fuck off!

In case it turns you off that I'm the kind of person who will take the puppy or the wounded bird home, who will help the old lady with her shopping and all that jazz, GREAT! Because I seriously don't want to be your fetish delivery system and your myopic view turns me off. Actually turning me off doesn't quite describe it, it makes me want to puke.

In case it disturbs your fantasy that I'm a real person with a real life, why don't you just walk away? Even better, run, as fast as you can. And don't bother informing me, because I would only tell you to run a bit faster.

At the end of the day, as long as I am happy with myself, what you - the stranger on the internet - thinks about me, it doesn't mean jack shit. And if you think that I have to be the mean bitch and an abuser just so your fantasy stays intact, I would laugh into your face, if I could actually be bothered.

Come on, get your arse off the internet, volunteer in a shelter, join a gym, take classes, go to a munch, stop looking at porn and get a life.

End of rant!

PS: As a little update, Phil (who had that excellent guest blog about Depression & BDSM and if you like that try ShiftyW's post about BDSM & PTSD too) seems to have made a similar experience from the other side, and had a rant about not being a twue subbie.
What can I say? There are a lot of idiots around...

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

BDSM and Abuse

It comes up again and again and for a lot of people not involved with BDSM it looks like there is abuse going on, the big difference is that it is consensual!

Honestly, I can't stress enough how important it is that it IS consensual.

There is NO excuse for not respecting a safe word, if people who know each other and have a rapport decide to play without a safe word, great, not a problem, however if anybody announces right off the bat that they will not respect your limits or a safe word, don't walk - RUN.

Some people are thrill seekers and all that, and while I'm not somebody who would rely on a safe word (I explain in a bit), when getting to know somebody, you have to learn about their boundaries and some people have trigger points where you just push them much too far, pushing somebody way beyond their endurance can cause a pretty serious trauma, maybe not physical but leaving mental scars is not covered by consensual play!

Why I don't want to rely on safe words is simple, when the endorphines are flying, it can be pretty difficult for a masochist to recognize what is going on, as the top you really have to watch their body language, it might just feel too good for them to call a stop. Think about it in terms of a happy drunk who's flying high and doesn't realize that he's close to alcohol poisoning. 

But truthfully, that's another issue than abuse. 

I was just reading somewhere, where a woman rejected a dominant because he seemed to have anger issues and threatened to blacken her eyes if she says something to him. That's for me seriously crossing the line, hurting somebody out of anger is not BDSM or consensual, it's being out of control, if the top is out of control, accidents happen.

No problem with a role play where you pretend to be angry, or maybe even some punishment, but boys and girls, don't play with angry people, as exciting as it may seem at first glimpse, you only got this one body.

Seriously, if it would be my hide on the line, I'd be giving somebody a grilling of the 9th degree before I would even consider getting in a situation where I would be vunerable.

If you have issues trusting somebody, don't trust them with your health or life! Being stupid is not an attractive trait in a bottom!

End of rant!

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Stalkers will stalk

Though I have to admit that mine gave me a laugh, checked a board and of course he had to comment on a thread I commented (he has to, with a little dig, awww, poor baby), of course it had to be a nasty dig about rescuing dogs.

Shit, what did I do to deserve the obsession of an obviously crazy individual? And doesn't crazy boy realize that somebody can look up all his old posts? I guess not, because somebody seems to be a few planks short of a full tree house.

Ladies, please beware of sycophants, especially bullies, and keep all their mails and messages... Screen shots work....

I guess if you can't get laid in a monkey brothel with a bunch of bananas, you have to declare yourself as an online hero.

Considering the shit he put me through the past couple of years, I'm actually quite grateful that fool still tries to "hurt" me. I don't think I ever fooled myself about my looks, but if I would, freakazoid would be balm for my soul, I just would have to forget that he's a slightly unhinged individual. Unfortunately my memory is a bit too good for that.

Seriously, why would anybody get so worked up about being knocked back by somebody he's never seen, will never see? I guess some people aren't very happy in their lives (wait for frantic posts about how happy his life is).

I still take any rescue dog over a backstabbing asshole, never met a dog who's obsessed about a stranger and stalks them, and I thank my lucky stars for never having been so hard up, that I needed to session with somebody who's plainly "mentally disturbed" (read that as batshit crazy).

Let me take this opportunity to encourage every woman out there who plans to get into pro-domming to have additional qualifications and a plan B.
It is the adult industry, you're in the sex industry even if you're not having sex with clients, while it can be a lot of fun, you're bound to be exposed to a lot of unsavoury characters, clients will try to pounce on you...

Again, please do protect your privacy. Trust me, if shit happens it's usually too late and all I can say is, that if my bad experience helps somebody else to not have such an experience, it was - well maybe not worth it, but at least it wasn't in vain!

What happened to me

Don't be a stalking victim

Trust me, I couldn't give a shit if asshole lives or dies, after all he's done, it makes me laugh that he's still so obsessed and unhinged (happens when people have nothing else going on in their lives, so please, everybody find a hobby, working with animal rescues is a good one) and possibly helplessly yelling at the moon. Should he try and do something public again, I just *might* throw up a few screen shots of old mails and PMs (didn't keep everything but kept enough) or link to some old sycophantic posts.

Maybe I should send him an anonymous donation, you know just enough so he can afford to rent somebody for a few minutes to get rid of his deadly sperm build up.... 

Btw here is an excellent article (thanks Stanley) regarding "socially awkward" behaviour and why it's not acceptable: 

Sunday, 23 March 2014

The Pro-Domme Myth

From time to time, and especially on life-style boards, the usual stuff comes up about how pro-dommes don't have any real power, how they are just spank machines, that they are there to just fulfill the orders of clients, the usual stuff. 

Of course you also get the usual idiot who will claim they are just prostitutes, well, I have a problem with the term "just prostitutes", while an escort certainly does another job than a pro-domme (slightly different service, who doesn't get that shows their ignorance straight away, which is great because it's nice if people let you know that they are idiots upfront), I absolutely HATE it if people treat them like they're somewhat less than human. If you don't want to do the job, I have no problem with it, I couldn't, but dehumanizing somebody, it's not cool, it's not clever, it makes you look like a prejudiced asshole!

But back to the people who have serious misconceptions about pro dommes, they are usually people who read something, heard something and repeat, or believe what somebody told them.

Yes, it's a service, yes, you have to consider what the client wants, but at the same time you don't like the client or the activities aren't yours, so you turn him down. Not only the client sets boundaries, you also set your own boundaries and they better respect them.

You have a chance to play with a lot of people who then will just leave, you won't have to deal with their real life drama or problems, I had plenty of masochists to play with, BDSM on tap, I could more or less do what I wanted (within their limits), I guess that must be what one night stands without strings or morning afters are for most men... For me it was a lot of fun most of the time with no strings attached, the biggest problem was the occasional blister or sore arm from too much whipping or caning!
Yes, of course I had to use my brain a lot and find new ways to hurt somebody, but seriously, if you're a hobby cook, trying out a new recipe or improving it with experimentation isn't really hardship.

The best reply to that is from MsCoral Korrupt over at MF

If we did it strictly for pleasure we'd be doing it for free, and only with people that we choose. And often, a lot of us Dommes are kinky in our personal lives, just not intimate with our clients.
We often do this for pleasure yes, but not YOUR definition of pleasure and it usually does not involve a woman having an orgasm because we do not want or need to have one in our sessions.

I know, you, a random strange man who may or may not have hepatitis or some sort of parasite, and a Domme may or may not be sexually attracted to you, is completely dumbfounded by the fact that you're met with some serious shade from women who don't want to use the equivalent of a double headed dildo with you in a session.

Let me put it to you in some very clear terms. Some women don't need to be sexually attracted or have a "spark" with them in order for them to want to engage in sexually invasive activities with men for money. A lot of us do not go down that road for health and personal reasons.
Just because we work in the sex industry that doesn't mean we want to get off on everything that walks in through our Dungeon doors just like a veterinarian, barista, clothing designer isn't going to want to orgasm over ll of her clients. UNLESS OUR PUSSIES ARE UP FOR SALE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM. We will tell you how to please us.

Tara Indiana also published an open letter on KinkE Magazine regarding the legalization of all sex work, where she talked about her time as an escort, how much she enjoyed it, that she wasn't a victim but in control and how she then drifted to BDSM. Amazing letter:

I just saw the interview on All in with Chris Hayes and I had some comments and questions. 

First, I a bit a but me, My name is Tara Indiana. I am the Head Mistress of The Den of Iniquity Dungeon since 1994. I started of in the sex business as a high class call girl with the hopes of raising enough money to fight for custody of my younger sister and also benefit my own career aspirations.  

I must say, My years as an escort were some of the happiest times in my life. I travelled the world, met incredibly interesting people and further enhanced my knowledge of culture and world affairs. It was much more of an eduction then I ever got in school.
The Women I met not at all what I expected. The media only depicts prostitutes as victims, street walkers, junkies, white slaves being forced and uneducated naive Woman who don't know any better.  
To My surprise at my first escort agency, all the girls were really nice people and some of the smartest and most liberated women I've had the honor of knowing. Mostly working their way through college, saving up money for a start up, Wanting to put their kids through private school or college, sending money home to their families. There was little to no drug use by most of my co workers aside from the occasional girls night out cocktails which we called "The Putta Squad":. Yes, the clients did them - it was the 80's wall street. but not the girls.  

The Madame cared very much about us and worked diligently to ensure our safety. She counselled us daily, never to do anything we were uncomfortable about, That we could stop a sessions at anytime for any reason. Even just a bad vibe. 

The men were also not as expected. I thought they would be old and gross, guys that couldn't normally get laid. Well it couldn't have been father from the truth. I found almost all of them to be completely respectful, smart, great conversationalists, successful, etc., Many were attractive, wealthy and the strange thing is, they were really looking more for companionship. They were just lonely. There was a lot of conversation and very little "sex" in the sense of what most people consider sex. That's why it's called a trick, the trick is to not have sex with them. I was an escort / inhouse girl for a number of years and the longer I did it, the less sex I had. And the sex I was having was pretty good. Having sex with multiple partners really helped me discover my body and my turn ons. I have much better orgasms now then I did 25 years ago and I owe that entirely to the sex business, 
(and one special men how shall remain nameless as just the world's greatest lover. 

Once even went 3 month without having sex with any of my clients and it was a very busy 3 months and I was always quite popular. 

The counter-statistics being offer by your opponent et al this debate were based on low level street walkers, people in white slavery, etc., which only represent 13% of prostitution. I think she means well, but she getting her info from only one source. To a hammer every problem is a nail. But the idea of lumping in low level street prostitutes with risk aware consenting adults who choose a road less travelled is a TOTALLY FALSE EQUIVALENT. 

It's like comparing people working sweat shops in china and jumping of the roof due to bad work conditions, long hours, no safety and no living wage in a dangerous factory to people working at a union shop for GM or Ford who have medical, dental, pensions and 401Ks, We don't shut down factories because some are bad. We regulate. I also can never wrap my head around the idea that if you buy the argument that sex worker are victims  in what other situation is the victim arrested, have their records ruined and generally have their life destroyed. Because it's not just their lives, it's the lives of all the friend, families, employers, children, etc., that are the collateral damage. What purpose does this serve? In My hey day yes, I would see up to 5 men for many hours, Not the 15 or 20 she's talking about, That would traumatize most except for the rare nymphomaniacs of which their are very few, These are fast houses, the lowest level of prostitution. And yes, they are terrible, but not even a very small part of the business. 

In my 2 year stint as a call girl, almost all the the men I sessioned with were great and I found it very empowering and like I was doing a public service and fun for Me. I tried My best to have good sex with all of them. I felt if I could get paid to have orgasms that was AWESOME! And it was. The Women were some of the most amazing Woman I ever met. I love them all to this day. It was a heady time. I moved to phones when I got in a serious relationship, then I moved onto the field of Female Domination which I love, and is my life (And have been quite successful at it) I've owned over 7 dungeons, trained 1000s Mistresses and 10's of thousand of men and appeared in hundreds of films, magazines, newspapers, TV and websites. I was even on the The Daily Show's moment of zen - still be far My crowning achievement. 

It has been very hard and grueling work. But has been the most rewarding and creatively fulfilling work I have ever done. 
Currently, I am the Head Mistress of The Den of Iniquity dungeon (r) in Los Angeles , I have performed in over 200 fetish and porn films, I am the only woman to have had a national chain of dungeons, fist dungeon to have a members site, etc., and, I think touched the lives of many Women and men for the better as they have I. 

What make this work "bad" is without a doubt the criminalization aspect of it. Constantly being worried about being arrest, kidnapped, violence against Women, having to employee unsavory characters to keep my Ladies safe and the bottomless pit of legal bills, abuse of rico laws, etc. That's enough to give anyone PTSD. 

When your young in your 20's it's kind of exciting, the double life. But after 25 years it wears on you; the constantly looking over your shoulder, wondering when the other shoe will drop and everything you've worked for can be taken without trial by rico laws so you may not be able to even pay your own defense when they freeze their assets. They can do it anytime for any reason, and even if you're doing  a legal sex business, they can freeze your asset and just put you in jail. Once in jail, they can trump up the charges and if you can't make bail, (they freeze your assets so you can't defend yourself or do business) statistically, you'll lose, right or wrong.Theoretically pandering is 7 years (same as man slaughter) and they've started abusing the rico laws in the case of "Rapture" in NY. They were looking at 25 years for running a legal dungeon. (Corrupt enterprise) So you can murder someone and get less time depending on the charges. This is wholy inequitable 

And then there's worrying about stalkers especially in the internet age, 2257 laws, cyber bullying and talking and the issues of safety that have come up with and review boards like the erotic review that in it's nature has forced women to now give up use condoms, do anal sex bareback, swallow and engage in high risk behaviors that were absolutely out of the question in my day. 

Now, my question - what can I do to help and be more involved in what you are doing? I must confess, I am fairly busy. I may be able to offer some time and counselling in areas of my expertise.And I can certainly donate my space in Los Angeles for any suitable fundraisers or parties to further you agenda. 
Here is some background on Me!stackState=0__%2Frelationships%2Fdominatrix-dungeon-los-angeles-1534829.story

While I totally get (and so should you) that escorting is not the same as being a domme, both are within the realm of the sex industry and somebody who goes there voluntarily (yeah, most women aren't going to be dragged into it kicking and screaming) is actually pretty much in control, in control of who they see, who they do what with, when they work, how much they work.... It's an awesome letter from a woman who did what she wanted to do, and has no regrets.

I'm with Tara on that, I'm getting fed up with people trying to "rescue" women who don't want or need to be rescued. It's so belitteling and so unfair, it's basically because somebody else is not comfortable with what a woman does that they try to stop her, all under the guise of "rescuing", but the woman herself is comfortable with it, so it's her call, her choice! We're adults, not children sold into slavery, a woman picking up a whip and wanting to be a pro-domme usually has a strong interest in it, if she doesn't she's not going to last, it will take far too much out of her.

It's the same as when people try to tell me that as a pro-domme I had no choice, no control and I was "just" a service top. Seriously, doing something I enjoy doing and getting paid for this, call it a service all you like, still doesn't take any control away from me. And how is it different from private play? You also negotiate scenes and you have to respect limits. Really, I mean just because somebody is doing something for free (or in some cases to attract a partner) doesn't mean they have more control than a professional who usually can pick the clients. You have an architect design a house for you, you also tell him the specifications, but you don't tell him how to do the job. Seriously, most guys don't see a domme just for her to work through a list the client supplies, they are as much paying for her to create a scenario creatively than for getting their fetish needs met.

Yes, there will always be dommes who take on "all comers", they are new or they need money desperately, it's the same in every job where you freelance or you're self-employed, if you're good, you pick the clients, if you're not and you have no other income, you might have to bite the bullet on occasion. Happens! But then you still have the choice to find another job and do what you want, apart from the fact that a lot of dommes have a 2nd job, hardly any of them puts all her eggs into one basket. Why do they do that? Because they want to keep their independence and be able to tell guys who want to lick parts we don't want to be licked to take their money and spend it elsewhere. 
Once you've been a domme for a while, you'll naturally drift to activities you like and you're damned good at, you advertise them a bit heavier, you attract the clients who're more in sync with you.

Domming isn't something you can put on your CV, if you do it only for the money it kills you and burns you out, apart from the fact that if you factor in expenses, fetish clothes and tools, dungeon rent (or the commission dungeons take), there really isn't that much left over unless you are one of the incredibly gorgeous and superbly talented pro-dommes, and they are usually very very busy and don't have much time for anything else. Pretty much like any other career where you're on top of the game...

Thursday, 20 March 2014

Convinced The Spouse But She's Unsure

OK, this one is just a shorty, working on a lengthy blog entry about something else, but it's something that came up a few times before. We went over that whole stuff about how to tell your partner and all of that, let me try to link:

BDSM and Betrayal


BDSM and Guilt (which might you help to understand why your spouse is leery) 

BDSM and a Spouse   (How to tell her)

So today I stumbled across a really really interesting blog entry from some friends, it's basically about how to get comfy and how to start a scene, what to expect and all the panic attacks somebody goes through when they are domming for the first time:

So in case you are one of the lucky ones who has convinced the wife or the girlfriend to give it a try, you might want to point her in direction of this article (and read it yourself too, you don't expect her to do all the work) just to give her some reassurance and take some of the pressure off!

Good luck to you and enjoy!!!

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

A quick heads up

Not lost interest, just life got into the way...

We let somebody move in last September as he was living in a tent, the weather was cold, we didn't use the room and I didn't want his little old dog to sleep rough, was planned just for a few days, maybe weeks.

6 months later, running the heating at full blast while keeping his window open for "fresh air" and basically trying to take over the house (not contributing in any way, help or finances) we got a bit fed up with it and politely mentioned we need the room as we expect visitors.

Last weekend he ran a bath and forgot about it, apparently for hours, turned the bathroom, the landing and the floor underneath into an indoor pool, then left me to clean up the damage.

Apart from strongly suggesting that he gets out by the weekend as we're tired of somebody taking the piss, being drunk and bringing drugs into the house, the flooding was the last straw. So bear with me, apart from working, being flooded, cleaning stuff out, drying stuff, dealing with insurance and assessors, not THAT much is happening, apart from another friend having a pretty horrible accident that involved his jaw being broken in 3 places. Compared to that, I think the flooding is possibly not too bad...

I do have visions that involve a meat cleaver, but the de-humidifier could possibly deal with the moisture from the blood but not the stains and currently I don't need a bigger mess.

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans....

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Dominance and Selfishness

Again, I saw this on a discussion board, it was sparked off by a discussion about what seemed to be some Gorean type relationship. I really can't get into that Gorean stuff at all, but that's beside the point, it's not because it's male dominated, it's just too absurd and contrived and rather badly written, the equivalent of 50 Shades for horny teenage boys, of as somebody jokingly said "Kink in Space", hilarious and brilliantly written summary of the Gor books, let's say they are outrageously sexist and if they would be a willing parody of the genre, they'd be brilliant. Unfortunately some people really take them seriously, which in my not so humble opinion, makes it even more funny.

Apart from very few exceptions, Gorean men seem to have a slight bypass when it comes to humour and IQ, of course it's not fair to use Fartie as an example, let's say a conversation in the short bus might challenge him quite a bit and he successfully managed to make a fool out of himself again and again, even other Goreans loath him and for a while it was great fun watching him get his ass busted over his lies, if you're arguing with Fartie, it's not a battle because the poor boy is completely unarmed, but he likes to think he's superior to every woman, because some 3rd rate SciFi book says it's the "natural order", oh and in said fantasy the women all become simpering slaves, and annoyingly talk about themselves in the 3rd person, but I digress..

Anyway, this woman is married and she wasn't happy, she had the typical simpering 3rd person speak, turns out her "master/husband" makes her hold her urine in the morning while she goes through the 150 different Gor slave positions before he allows her to relieve her outside after he whistles. She tried to talk to him about it (holding urine isn't very healthy for the bladder and UT), as a response he slapped her. Apart from being a bit ignorant about medical issues, he also seems to be on a weird trip where he forgot how to communicate with his wife (or slave as she puts it). This then sparked a conversation about "Dominance and Selfishness" and if you have to be selfish to be a D-type. Quite interesting and a lot of different takes on it...

Essentially what it boils down to is, that I think both ends of the whip or crop are selfish, nobody would enter a relationship if there wouldn't be something in for them, if being in that relationship wouldn't make them happier than not being in that particular relationship or dynamic!
It's like when people claim that FinDommes rip the poor subs off, seriously? The subs usually search out FinDommes and offer them money, they must get something out of it or they wouldn't do it, it scratches one of their kinks or their kink, otherwise they wouldn't go looking for them. Seriously, the women that are dealing with guys claiming to be pay-piggies deal with a ton of time wasters and guys who just want to talk about it, I don't think they are making their money the easy way, I don't think I could deal with it, I'd possibly would feel like banging my head against the wall, but again, that's besides the point.

Essentially I believe that every D/s or S/m dynamic is motivated by selfishness on both parts, one craves what the other person can give, and if it turns from a dynamic into a relationship, I do think in the best of all cases, and the ones where the relationship stands the test of time, each partner tries to make the other one happy. Like every vanilla relationship it's a give and take.

People have needs and if the needs are not fulfilled over a prolonged period of time, the relationship starts to disintegrate. As much as we would like to believe that we are selfless, we're not and there is nothing wrong with it. A submissive doesn't "serve" out of selflessness but again, it fulfills one of his or her needs. Yes, there can be situations where the servitude is without emotions, but in those cases it's all about the fetish and the fetish fulfills those needs. Some of them actually don't even want to have human interaction, they just want to be seen as a service submissive, because being a service submissive is their kink, it's what drives them. They are quite rare, but they exist. If they're getting out of it what they want, it's perfect. 

It's not that different from a lot of clients who frequent Pro-Dommes, they go there to get an urge scratched and for those 60 minutes they might actually believe that they are submissive, when in fact they pretty much dictate what they want to happen in the session. Not that there is anything wrong with it, you book the session and you negotiate it!

Sometimes your emotional needs change over time (like that with the woman who sparked the discussion) and then it's best if people start to sit down and talk to each other. I don't really buy into 24/7 because apart from BDSM needs even the most kinky of all people have different needs and need down time, your mileage on that might vary, but a 24/7 power exchange and a TPE (Total Power Exchange) seems to be unrealistic. If you're rushing into it without knowing the person, it could spell disaster and financial ruin, which I don't think is a desirable outcome.
I really believe people need time out from their dynamic, where they sit down and are on mutual footing and discuss what works for them and what doesn't work. Of course you can claim a good D-type (I use D-type because it is gender neutral, it can be a Dom or a Domme) should know that and realize it, but the truth is, we aren't perfect, we aren't mind readers, we make mistakes, by talking openly and frankly, without any trappings of power exchange and no repercussions. The D-type might decide not to change a thing, he or she could have her reasons for it, but consent can be withdrawn from both sides at any time. If things really don't work anymore, sometimes you do have to draw the line.

I'm a bit fed up when often subs are painted as the victims, I've seriously met more needy and selfish people who identify as s-types than D-types (mind you, that doesn't mean that all D-types are wonderful people) and there is often so much passive aggressive BS going on, after the relationship ends, what they used to crave is then pictured as abuse. 

Again, I'm NOT saying that there is no abuse in BDSM relationships, there are tons of predators out in the real world, of course they are attracted to a world where it is "seemingly OK" to exploit others. But as I said countless times before, you are adults, it's your job to look out who you trust and to not rush into anything, to ask yourself what you are really getting out of the relationship and also what you are putting in. If you are just looking for a fetish delivery system and you're so focused on your fetish, that you forget to see your partner as a human being who might have needs too (other than what you're willing to give, which is in a lot of cases your own kink fulfillment and if you think logically about it, not that much to offer), then you're bound to fall prey to somebody who will try to manipulate you (and not in a good way) in order to get what they want, which happens often to be cash.

There is a person on both ends of the whip, a living, breathing human with feelings, of course with faults (would be nice if we'd all be flawless) but when it comes to a relationship, you have to take all that on board. Kink is one thing, but what are you going to do the other 23 hours of the day? If all you have in common is kink, you're fucked buddy, and not in a good way! Unless of course it is your kink to be exploited and abused, but then please stay away from me, seriously, I'm not judging your kink, but I simply don't want to deal with emotional masochism, in my book it's a recipe for disaster and the D-type always ends getting the blame. It took me far too long to leave Catholic guilt behind, I'm not signing up for emotional BDSM guilt.

No judging, I just prefer to approach my kink from a positive place, somebody who willingly signs up for what I want to dish out, because he or she craves just that. Possibly not the best option ever, but I'm not a therapist and emotional masochism and sadism, for my personal taste it's just a bit too close to abuse and I'd be worried that I might damage more, including myself.

Just my take on it, if yours is different, more power to you, I don't have to live your life and you don't have to live mine. 

Though in defence of submissives, there is also one woman who identifies as a dominant, yet will not tolerate any fetishes or strong preferences on the side of a potential partner, to me it sounds like she herself has a "me" fetish herself and wants a partner who makes it also all about her, but all in a seemingly vanilla environment, where none of his other fetishes are under consideration apart from the way she likes to have sex, she wants flowers, romance, the whole stuff, nothing bad, I mentioned her here quite at the end of it, she's looking for a vanilla date on a kink board, but she won't tolerate kinks or fetishes. Yup, selfish, but then again, if she would be a hot 20 year old, she might get away with it, if you're 50+ and maybe not so hot (hard to tell if you only see a picture of Sphinx. If you want TPE and the other should give everything but you aren't prepared to give anything in return, I guess that is selfish. She doesn't hurt anybody with it (apart from guys who dare to mention a kink on a kink board, met with outrage that she is not a fetish delivery system and it has to be about her, not about the guy's kink) but herself, because let's face it, guys might get desperate but not that desperate that they're going to put up with all the trappings of TPE and none of the benefits.

Now if that was all a bit serious, try this piss take on Gor, though sadly enough, it's actually quite like the few books I forced myself to read, I just couldn't bring myself to read more of them, because they are not simply daft but painful for anybody who has standards regarding their reading material... Still wish I wrote them (using a nom de plume of course to avoid merciless piss taking from anybody who knows me), randy teenage fantasies aimed at randy teenage boys got good ol' Norman minted... Reminds me a lot of Scientology to be honest...


Thursday, 6 March 2014

Meeting that guy from the internet...

It's basically a follow up to the "difficult to find a date on the internet" post I made the other day, guys claim that women are so hard to talk to, but women complain far more often about being stood up, guys go through the whole song and dance and then get cold feet, disappear, make dates and don't show up... So I guess this one is more for the ladies, but I'm pretty sure the guys might also find a bit of value, even if it is just to understand better why women are a bit careful.

As for being stood up, yes it happens, you develop a radar after a while, you also develop a radar for BS, seriously, if something doesn't feel right, chances are that it isn't right, pretty much the same as I mentioned in the post about what to do if you have a stalker your own instinct is the best protection you can have, for stalkers, for fakes, for people playing games.

I've mentioned a few times that I'm not looking for anything, so if I'm meeting somebody it's just for being social, I'm not going to get worked up about somebody who won't show up, but I'm also not rearranging my schedule much to accommodate somebody I haven't met before. 

Ladies, just keep a clear head and don't get too worked up, I wouldn't recommend meeting a stranger in a place where you always go for various reasons, for example if he should turn out to be a stalker (which I certainly hope not), you don't want to give him a way to find you easily all the time, also if his manners aren't up to scratch, you really don't want people talk about that in your local bistro or pub (don't remind me of the guy who thought kissing my feet would be the acceptable way to behave in public...). Go somewhere where you like going, bring a book or a magazine and if he doesn't show up, enjoy your coffee and read. Desperation is worse than a bad perfume.

Now since this is a kink blog, I assume we are talking about guys you meet on kink related sites, but this should pretty much go for all kind of internet dating. I'm not saying you need to play hard to get, but don't make it too easy. Think about it, what kind of impression do you give if you're too available - you don't want to come across as too desperate. 
Also be clear what you expect, if you don't want to be a booty call, say so in a profile, not in those words but mention that you're only interested in getting to know somebody who is like you interested in a long term relationship, then tell them what you expect from a partner APART from your kink, unless you are waiting for a mind reader, in that case be prepared to wait for a long long time... So yes, hobbies, what is important for you, what you can't deal with, but try to sound positive, nobody wants a sourpuss!
Not sounding negative goes for, don't complain on your profile about people who stood you up, don't talk about the bad experiences you have made. You're going to meet somebody for the first time, he doesn't want your whole life-story and everything that went wrong, every relationship that has failed. Come on, how would you feel if a guy would tell you about all his exes and stuff? See how that works? A guy who's interested in meeting YOU, doesn't want your whole relationship history, your medical history, your family history, he wants to to meet you to get to know you.
Chances are you already had a few mails exchanged, spoke on the phone and all that, so you should have an idea about his hobbies, maybe his work, ASK about that, keep the conversation light, you're still getting to know each other!

Also the pics, well you want to be sure that not the guy from next door or the next cubicle will recognize you and tell everybody and their dog about you being on a kink site, I often discussed how to maintain your privacy and protect your identity. Don't use anything you use on another network (FB for example) there are tons of facial recognition programs, a bit of shadow will add some mystery, you don't want the creepy internet dude to track you down and send you flowers and riddles. Also as a woman, if you want guys being interested in you (that means you as a person and not your orifices) don't pose naked. Yes, you will get less answers, but it's about quality and not quantity, that is unless you want somebody to contact you who's really only looking for a fuck bunny and the guys looking for a partner pass you by because they think you're just interested in dick (and that's not Richard). The explicit pics can wait, think about all the teens who text topless and naked shots and live to regret it, be a bit smarter.

Move fairly quick, a guy who's seriously interested will want to talk to you fairly soon, don't give out your home phone number but use a mobile, skype, etc. If somebody doesn't want to talk to you, they might have something to hide, also the time when they are talking to you, if they don't have time in the evenings or the weekends, chances are that they're married and just playing a game. They don't answer their phone on the weekends or in the evenings... Take a wild guess...
A guy who's serious about meeting somebody isn't going to wait 6 months, if he's dragging things out and out, maybe it's time to move on. Would you want to be with a guy who doesn't seem to think that meeting you is a priority? Doesn't really bode well for the future, does it?

I don't have to give you the drill about the usual stuff, like meeting in a public place, no play on the first date, going in your own car and all that, I hope you're adult enough to really consider your personal safety a priority. Just because it's got to do with kink doesn't mean that everybody into it is nice, nothing could be further from the truth

When it comes to chatting and talking on the phone, without being a prude, don't get too sexual, a ton of guys out there who get their kicks from cyber and phone sex, don't put a poor cam girl or phone sex girl out of a job ;) No seriously, you don't want to invest time and possibly emotions into a guy who's just trying to get his rocks off via electronic means, you don't want to be his cyber or phone booty call.

Oh and another thing, ladies, let's be a bit realistic, it's nice to expect Prince Charming on the white horse and riding off into the sunset, but seriously, if your expectations are unrealistic, you won't get a lot of serious takers and possibly a bunch of wankers who just want to play games and have no desire to ever meet face to face. They'll lie to you because they know when you'd meet them they couldn't keep up the lie. 
For those of you who still don't understand it, 50 Shades is FICTION, you're about as likely to meet kinky handsome, billionaires through a kink site as you are likely to meet them in the supermarket.

There's a lady who's complaining that she gets stood up regularly and she always gets super worked up and excited about meeting a submissive, only they never show up. Another poster was smart enough to look at her profile and summed up what she is looking for:

1. Will be available for vanilla dates when you want.
2. Is a service slave, doing household chores for you.
3. Will have sex with your husband.
4. Will not have sex with you.
5. Will take branding, whipping, etc., from you.
6. Has no sissification fantasies.
7. Lives within two hours of .......
8. Will financially support your household.

Despite the fact that you're searching for Superman, he's gonna have to take the backseat to your husband.

Forget it. Your expectations are unrealistic. 

That's what I meant with unrealistic expectations, any relationship, be it vanilla or BDSM is a give and take, even if it doesn't look like it, it involves 2 (or more) people, and they want something out of the relationship. That's not being calculating, that's just what it is. Otherwise, why would people be in relationships, if you're not getting what you want, it's much easier to be on your own and able to live your life how you chose to do it.

When it comes to looking for a partner, it might help to sit down and make a list, what you have to offer, what you need and what you'd be willing to compromise on. If you want Brad Pitt (the looks and the financial means) and you want all the kinks to mesh 100%, it's going to be a long long wait... 

Seriously, please also consider all the other qualities apart from compatible kinks, when it comes down to it, you got to LIVE with that person, and if all you have in common is kink, it's not going to last. 

Another woman is more or less looking for a vanilla relationship, she doesn't want to top him, she doesn't want anything to do with fetishes but she wants him to be submissive to her, but she makes it quite clear that she won't do BDSM play, wants vanilla sex and romance, but she wants to "own" him. I guess she thinks she's some Princess and her Prince is hankering after her and ready to charge on his white horse when she wants. Maybe it is D/s however, there are pages of pages of what she doesn't want, which word should be in the reply so she'll actually will deign to read it, all with some cheesy generic pics of mythical animals and flowers. Then a journal full of pretty awful prose, has to be a certain age and live nearby... Judging from her profile she's been looking under that name for about 2 years... 
Girls, when it comes to kink, you do have all the advantages, men vastly outnumber women (especially submissive men to dominant women), but don't make the mistake of thinking that on a kink board you can get away with asking for the impossible.
Also keep up your end of the bargain, if you're entering into a relationship WITH kink, don't take the kink out, don't think you can put up with it for a while and wean him off, won't work. The equivalent of a couple with a great sex life and a few years into the marriage it's down to lights out and missionary position once every month - if that happens, nobody wonders why the guy strays, so why should it be any different if you take the kink away?

Just a few hints, and I do hope things work out for you. Hey I met hubby on the internet too, we both weren't looking and it was actually a geek board, for quite a while he thought he was talking to a guy. Seeing how it turned out, I think he wasn't too disappointed, we still laugh because friends had bets going and the maximum of time they thought it would work was 6 months. I guess if you look just briefly, we don't seem to be very compatible. Seriously, compromises are normal in a relationship, but they can't be one-sided. Often women are too eager to please, there's nothing wrong with wanting to make your partner happy, as long as your partner also wants to make you happy. That would be something I'd really focus on if I'd ever be looking again (don't hope so).

Oh and please, do go into the first meeting with a clear head, don't really start planning the names of all future kids and their careers when you've just met. Because it's kink related doesn't mean the same stuff applies that applies to all other dating. Relationships tend to develop over time, not over night.
Now should the guy really not be to your liking, have at least the decency to let him down easy, chances are that he's as insecure as you are (meeting strangers from the internet can be a bit stressful), he's made an effort, tell him you don't think you have the chemistry, don't point out every flaw you perceived, and don't think the first guy you'll meet will be THE ONE. Basically think about how you would feel if somebody would tell you that they don't think it's going to work and have the decency to treat another person the way you want to be treated.

How was that for an agony aunt? Now if I have bored you to death, drop me a line and toss some ideas at me. I basically write when something catches my attention. In case I'm too boring, inspire me.... 

Monday, 3 March 2014

Why is it so hard to meet somebody online?

Actually, I don't really agree with it, but it is something that comes up again and again in discussions, and not just guys claim that, also women. Though the women tend to complain a lot more about being stood up (which does happen, yours truly also has been stood up), guys tend to complain about women are so hard to approach.

Mind you, at the moment I'm more talking about life-style, leave Pro-Dommes aside for a moment, because that's pretty clear cut.

When it comes to life-style, I guess it is quite difficult for guys to meet women, but guys, in all fairness, you make it pretty hard for yourself. I was just joking with a friend about it as I got a bunch of mails on CM and FL, where people claim to have read my profile and they deducted from that, that they're my ideal partner/slave/submissive...

Now my profile states VERY VERY clearly, that I'm not looking, that I have a partner, I'm there for the forums and discussions. Sure if I got the time, I'll happily talk to somebody, but it really depends how somebody approaches me. If you approach me claiming to have read my profile and you clearly haven't, well, that's a bit of a bad start, isn't it? I mean you start out with telling me a big lie and then you wonder why I don't want to talk to you?
Basically you're telling me that you couldn't even take the time to find out ANYTHING about me, you might have looked at my picture and because you're a bit desperate, the little head started to do all the thinking. Additionally you just assume I'm so stupid that I won't spot your lie, you expect me to be flattered? I mean really? Might work in an alternative reality, unfortunately we're still on planet Earth.
And nope, after I told you 3 times that I am not looking and my profile clearly says so, really no need to send me another message with "Let me know if you change your mind!" Buttercup, don't hold your breath!

Also if you want to friend me so you can tell me all about your kinks, hell no! Buddy, you're a stranger, why would I want to hear the explicit fantasies of a complete stranger? Do I look like a sex therapist or do you think my life revolves around you getting your rocks off? Even more if you send me messages in text speak. Seriously, I'm not 14 anymore and your profile says you're in your 50's and "wud b interested in being ur friend Im vy kinky n wud like 2 discuss this with u., btw u luk GORGEOUS!" is the best you can do, I have to pass (and yes, it is copy and paste). Because I was still having my morning coffee and was procrastinating (something I do rather well) I replied and suggested that leading with your kink and spelling like a teenager texting doesn't really work. The reply was that I should command him to spell right and he wants to talk NOW.
Where do I start? 1st, I don't take orders from strange "submissive" men (Can you spot the contradiction?), 2nd don't effing tell me how to spend my time, 3rd why would I want to command a stranger? I'm not suffering from Domititis, I have no desire to command or dominate everybody and everything around me, that would be rude and very frustrating. I actually enjoy treating people in a polite manner, the clincher is, that I expect to be treated politely too. Pretty simple...

I am chatting with somebody currently, well several messages a day when we both have time, nothing in common kink wise and far away from each other, but he sent me a really nice and polite mail, wished me a nice day, and naturally I replied. We talked about all sort of things, and yeah, his kink came up too and his search. Because now we were already talking, it wasn't a bit deal, it was just something that came up, I think I could help him to identify a few problems and suggested that he might increase his chances by knowing how to do a good massage or a simple manicure, not perfect, just something that every woman loves to have done to her. Something that gives him a bit of "bargaining power" - though bargaining is the wrong word, if he can offer something that women want, he has a foot in the door, it's a lot easier than "Well, I can offer you my kinks", there's no shortage of those offers and he's competing in a very competitive arena where a lot of women always complain that guys just want something from them and they feel like a fetish delivery system. A guy who offers something without strings, he'll stand out, somebody might be tempted to get to know him and even if his kinks aren't 100% hers, a bit of give and take, and we make allowances for people we like. It really isn't rocket science!

Honestly, I can't give anybody a blue print and tell you exactly what works, but look what you have to offer (besides your kinks, do NOT lead with your kink) and treating women like you would treat them in a vanilla environment (in short, be a Gentleman, if she isn't a Lady, her loss and you wouldn't want her anyway, at least I hope you aren't that desperate) will go a long way.

What I can tell you is what doesn't work and what frustrates women without end!

Actually I planned to write something about women and why they might not be as successful as they wish when it comes to online dating, or kinky dating, but there is that pesky thing called work, and I best get to it, but I might give it a go next!