Monday, 5 November 2012

Bdsm and Guilt...

I bet you all think it's about you guys sneaking out and seeing a domme, but nope, it isn't. Completely selfish post about yours truly and the whole female guilt when it comes to BDSM...


It's not a very popular issue because everybody has this opinion of how a domme should be and all that, her inner struggles and the guilt issue is a bit of a turn off, let's face it domination is in a lot of cases all about male fantasies, especially when it comes to professional domination.

I discovered it through a boyfriend, and you know despite a certain enthusiasm on his side, I still struggled with myself and thought I was a bit weird. To be honest, I wondered if I wasn't a complete psycho. I had those fantasies before and was always feeling really guilty, like I had done something really terrible and shameful. I was actually often wondering if I am alright, if there isn't something fundamentally wrong with me.

As crazy as it sounds, training as a professional domme helped me with that internal dilemma a lot, I mean you can give consent, or you can pay somebody to do something to you. That's actually the ultimate form of consent, and in a weird way, as much as you enjoy it, you are performing a service you have been paid for. It's almost like a papal absolution.

Of course the money was welcome too, as a student every bit of my fetish wardrobe meant going without something else or doing extra shifts on the weekend in the club where I worked, covering a few more stories that brought tears of boredom to my eyes for any paper or magazine who was willing to print it and pay... Not that I made much money when I started out, when you're in training you actually don't get paid, and for quite a while afterwards you're getting paid only a fraction of the session. It wasn't a "get rich quick" or "this is easy money" scheme, well, maybe for the domme who trained me and owned the dungeon, but on the other hand, I really learned how to clean and sterilize, I prefer to see it as an investment that paid out, even if sometimes I felt like spitting nails if I had to clean up yet another room and sterilize everything, but I was far too grateful to have found somebody who wasn't giving me the old BS that I need to submit first or work as a submissive before I could "progress".

Don't get me wrong, some excellent dommes are submissives in their private lives or have started out as submissives, it's just I'm not submissive and pretending something - don't think it would have worked for me at all.

As much as everybody likes to bitch about professional domination, I am pretty sure I am not the only one who found it a relief and who managed to get over the initial guilt issue and then could enjoy being dominant.

I'm not sure where it comes from, maybe because being a sadist and enjoying to dominate is so against the grain of everything we are taught and raised with? Especially for women. Being brought up very Catholic certainly didn't help, even though I consider myself now more of an agnostic than an atheist, a lot of it still sticks with you.
Additionally, I'd like to think I'm not a cruel person, I enjoy inflicting pain to somebody who enjoys taking pain from me, yes, but I am always worried where the line is and where it might be considered abuse. If I see an injured animal, I'll take it home (last year we had a blackbird with a broken wing living with us - we had to chase a healed Ms Blackie out in the end, she enjoyed the hotel life far too much, and her two canine body guards who kept the cats away), I'm always holding doors open, volunteer for some charities and all that. My sadism seems to go against the grain of just being a decent human being, or at least it seemed for a while.

So yes, one big hooray for professional domination, because otherwise I might have ended up frustrated, confused and scared of myself.