Friday, 28 September 2012

TVs and CDs - getting the female shape

Undergarments for the TV/CD…

We got the outer layers of clothing wigs, shoes and the bras covered in the previous blog entries,  but to look realistic, most of you will need some undergarments that shape you a bit. It’s not just that guys are lacking the typical bone structure of women and the female curves, men just have a completely different fat distribution. The good news about that is, that your legs will most likely look spectacular, a lot better than most women’s legs because you got less fat on them. As a little nugget of information, quite a lot of hosiery manufacturers use male models for the tights and stockings….

If you don’t have a butt, you could go for padded undergarments or trick a bit with the clothes, a skirt with pockets on the back will add a bit, or you buy padded panties to give you the curves you want.

Again, find out your right size and if that site is too expensive for you, check out the shape or garment you want and get yourself on eBay for a bargain. Of course you can experiment a little bit with all sorts of clothes and padding, but trust me, this stuff works a lot better than painstakingly trying to pad out your bottom and it’s slipping and sliding and you end up looking like a hunchback, instead of looking like a woman with a curvy ass…

Another thing you will want is a waspie or waist clincher,  to give the illusion of a waist. Again if you are looking online, you best know your measurements, and the names you are searching the online shopping sites for are waspie, waist clincher, waist shaper, girdle. Most of them are elastic and don’t work quite as well as a short corset, but they’re fairly inexpensive and give you an idea, and help to shape you. If you aren’t used to a corset, it’s almost impossible to put it on by yourself. So go slow before you end up spending a lot of money on a real corset and you end up with something you can’t use!

In case you absolutely want a corset, for guys usually shorter corsets are a lot better, because of your particular shape, you don’t need something to minimize the hips, you need to create an artificial waist that gives the illusion that your hips flare out a bit. But again, in most cases you are doing just fine with a high waist panty girdle, which will also minimalize the bulge you don’t want to have. As a little hint, make sure you do have an empty bladder, not only it will be a lot more comfortable, it’s not easy getting in and out of those garments.

Now in case you like something under your clothes, just to feel a bit naughty during the day, wear a waspie under your clothes along with some girlie panties, throw in a pair of tights too and you got a bit of a thrill all day long ;)
In case you do need orders from a domme, I suggest you contact a domme you know and just ask if she could give you some orders via phone or email, chances are that she’s aware of the economic situation, so next time you see her, just add a healthy tip to your tribute and everybody is happy.

Now if you are working in a job where a suit and tie is required, wear a white t-shirt under your shirt, to make sure nobody sees the waspie.

You know instead of the money you spend for a session, you can invest a fraction of it in clothes and have a “work up” to your session and the anticipation for quite a while. Money gets a bit tighter for everybody, so this might just be a bit of fun in between sessions and a good way for yourself to get you in the right mindset for a session. For a lot of guys sessioning once a month or every few months is simply not enough. The clothes can be worn again and again.

For those of you who are married and can’t keep the clothes at home, I would suggest just renting a locker somewhere.

I’m still working on all the makeup advice and I’m trying to get a friend to make a blog where she can give you guys specific makeup advice about which brands are best and where to get them cheap. Guys tend to have thicker skin and larger pores, so just buying anything from the drugstore won’t usually work quite as well.
Until I’m getting there, here’s a little link from Transbetty about how to apply makeup:

Thursday, 27 September 2012

More gender bending tips...

A bit more cross dressing help here…

I already told you that you need some clothes and until you have the perfect idea what your size is, keep it stretchy, looking like a sausage ready to burst isn’t a good look, doesn’t matter if you’re a biological woman or if you want to look like one, or if you just like wearing women’s clothes. In case you have an athletic build (lucky you) bulging biceps just don’t work when you’re trying to be feminine, same with the beer gut or hairy legs, I get to that later.

Shoes, not too high as you want to walk in them, in the pervious blog entry I talked about how to find shoes, the right size and heel height, so check that out, same goes for the wigs most of you will need. Again, eBay and other online stores are your friend if you are afraid to go shopping…

A few hints how to get more out of your session or how to enjoy a bit of cross dressing on your own… 
If you just like the transformation, I would recommend looking online for an open minded make-up artist, maybe somebody who is just starting out. Everybody needs a bit of extra in this economy and it’s a lot cheaper to see the make-up artist than to see a domme, apart from that, you can learn a lot from a make-up artist and that might cut down the time the domme takes until you’re ready, so you’re not paying for an hour and get maybe 30 minutes of play time out of it because getting you ready will take that long, you can get ready on your own and get more play time.
One thing that is super important is have a close shave, as close as you can get, stubbles under makeup don’t look great. 
If possible, have a good shave elsewhere too, as I said before, the Brazilian rain forest is only beautiful as the lung of the planet, not in your underpants… As for legs, well, hairy legs aren’t very feminine, now if you can’t shave your legs for some reason, try stockings or a pantyhose that is dark and thick (the higher the DEN – denier – number, the more opaque it is), go for at least 60 or 80 DEN, or support stockings. Additionally, thick stockings will also not rip quite as easily, so you’ll have them longer. When it comes to size, again be generous, models usually take their tights a size larger than they need because they don’t rip all that easy. If you’re a big guy, look online for female plus sizes.

You want a pair of breasts? You possibly think that I am joking, but get a bra and some balloons. The balloons you fill up with water and put them in the bra, this will also give you a good idea how female breasts feel and how much we girls carry on our chests… Of course you can get the plastic inlays and all that, but they tend to be much more expensive and you can’t experiment much with the size. Rule of thumb is, the bigger and broader you are, the more you can get away with big boobs, if you're slight of build and you try the balloons with gallons of water, you end up looking like that poor Lolo Ferrari. Though you can get bras relatively inexpensive on eBay, it can be a lot of fun to experiment with different breast sizes.

A little hint how to have breasts that are both the same size, don't rely on eye measurements, get a jug (no pun intended) with approximate measures and pour in the same amount in each balloon, or else you end up looking like a partially deflated inflatable doll - again, not a good look.

For a CD or TV to find a fitting bra, the underbust is the most important thing, that’s the number, so you basically measure where the band of the bra would go, check with the list which size you need and then check which cup size you want. The cup size is the letter. B and C are “regular” female bust sizes, if you want to  have big boobs, go D or DD, but your back won’t thank you ;)
Again, you can get a lot of bras online at sites like eBay and such, if you are worried about going into shops and getting measured.
The following 2 links will tell you how to find your ideal underbust size, which is the most important thing in a bra, and lucky guys, you can pick your own cup size and don’t have to worry about surgery…

Wednesday, 26 September 2012


I really don't like the way the links are on the page and I am just not good enough to change it all, so I figured I might do a page with links that I can update whenever needed...

There's KKB's Blog

It's about somebody who lives real BDSM


Hilarious blog! A MUST read

As I said, the list will be updated from time to time... In case you have a blog and want me to link to it, send me a message Here

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Gender bending, CDs, TVs and a bit of help....

Thought I make this a bit fun for everybody and just throw in the odd useful advise...

CDs and TVs (cross dressers and transvestites) often need a bit of help, a lot of people claim that they’re not really BDSM and all of that, to be honest, I never cared much about labels and what is “twue and weal” BDSM, if they find themselves at home under the umbrella of BDSM, it’s alright for me. In case somebody minds them a lot, just don’t read and look away, they aren’t going to push themselves at you, OK!

So a couple of my friends do enjoy a bit of gender bending, which is actually a lot of fun (yeah, doesn’t really work for me, I could only camouflage as a 3 headed alien) and it’s pretty hard for them to find somebody who’s into it, a lot of them rely on pro-dommes, but most pro-dommes don’t really have the kind of wardrobe to fit each and every size of guy and make him look feminine. It might be an idea to get your own clothes.
Yes, I hear you, it’s difficult and you’re embarrassed going into a shop, I get that, but you know, there’s a lot of stuff you can do, there’s the internet, you can go to thrift stores and charity shops and claim you need to find something for a fancy dress party.

There are a ton of websites out there who will do the size conversion for you, this one is for the US:

So you find out the right size for you and you go online, but you should really make sure that the material is stretchy, at least until you get an idea of your size and what will suit you and fit you. Often there is quite a bit of difference between different brands and how they cut the clothes, so stretchy with elastic waists is really not the worst idea for your “starter kit”.
Don’t really go overboard, have a look at yourself and be realistic, in short if you’re built like the proverbial brick shit house, maybe you want to look like a high glam pin-up, but it’s not going to work. Go with something that works for you and that’s realistic, unless of course you want to end up looking like you escaped straight out of a carry on comedy.

One thing you’ll need is a good wig (again, if you’re afraid to go into shops, ebay or other online shops, they don’t give a damn if you’re a man or a woman) you might want to be the blonde or brunette bombshell with hair all down your back, but don’t fall into that trap, you want to look feminine and not like a grotesque parody of a female. Most of the super long wigs just don’t look right, unless you’re going for something super expensive. Shoulder long hair will look a lot better and more realistic, it’s a lot easier to look after, won’t look quite as ratty…

The same for shoes, don’t go sky high, go for a medium height shoe and learn to walk in them, there is nothing worse than somebody who can’t walk in high heels, you do look a lot better in a smaller heel when you don’t fall over, because breaking an arm or a nose won’t exactly make you look very feminine.
As for the sizes, there is a difference in size, a female size 9 would be a male 7 to 7 ½  and if you’re going for a heel, then you possibly will need to take that into consideration as well. So when shopping online and you’re in doubt, rather go for the half a size bigger than you thought originally, if needed put in an inlay, your feet will thank you, and stay away from peep toes, unless you have very dainty, feminine toes and very well pedicured feet. Peep toes are also often a lot more uncomfy and cut into your toes.

There are a lot of other things, I think I might do a little series of blog entries, because for a lot of guys the whole “getting ready” and the transformation is just as exiting as finally being feminized. At 200 to 300 per hour, that can be seriously expensive, so having your own gear and knowing about getting ready can get you a lot more play time, than if you need the domme around to get you ready, dress you up and all that!

I have to bug a friend of mine who’s a make-up artist if she’d write me a little bit about that, to give you a bunch of brands that are good and some hints how to remove all your make-up completely.

So I guess part 2 and 3 will be coming soon…

I needed to add something because by chance I found some good wig shops in the UK, maybe too far away for you and all that, but the styles should give you ideas...

The human hair wigs are actually fantastic quality.... I'm thinking of getting one myself in case I want to change my style a bit...

Sunday, 23 September 2012


Not a serious post, just wore Wellington boots all day long (yeah, long 6 hour walk with the dogs through the rain - result, dogs are tired and I have a blood blister) and then polished a few of my shoes and realized that I do have a lot of shoes...

I started thinking shoes and Fashion District in LA and remembered some shoe shops there, not always the greatest quality of shoes but some pretty sexy shoes. I do have the suspicion that some of the guys might like shoes too, especially the ones with high heels and well, here are a few pics ;)

It's a really tiny shoe shop in a side alley, called Lola's Shoetique a really busy small place, but with nice people. I don't know how long the shoes will last, I didn't buy any, but I simply liked the variety and there are just tons of heels of every variety. I'm actually playing with the idea to order some... But then again, better not, walking the dog is not exactly something you do in high heels, especially not dogs the size of mine...

I usually prefer my shoes a bit classier, but they do look like fun shoes and are actually really cheap, oh well, at least they are fun to look at, and they have also tons of pics on their FB site

I had far too many serious posts, so I guess it was time for something fun ;)

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

BDSM and betrayal

The theme comes up from time to time if it is betrayal if somebody is married and sees a pro domme, if you want to have everything in black and white and no shades of grey or colours exist in your world, then it’s of course a betrayal, unless you have the permission of your SO.

Now only if life would always be so simple… So many people think they can suppress their craving for BDSM and it doesn’t always work this way. Falling in love often makes you think everything is possible and that you can change. It’s also possible to fall in love with a person and love somebody you share your life with, without sharing every aspect of your sexuality with that person.

If your spouse is simply not into BDSM, and you force her to do something that she hates, it’s simply wrong.  I believe forcing somebody who’s vanilla to the core to play your domme and the person hates it every second, you just build up resentment and damage your relationship beyond repair. Apart from the fact that it comes close to abuse, have you considered how your partner may feel about it?

I shouldn’t have to say it again, but I think it can’t be said enough: Somebody who isn’t into BDSM is not narrow minded, is not boring or uptight and all that, they are simply not wired that way. Just like you might not be wired to find men sexually attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, just like there is nothing wrong with us. Being different doesn’t make you right or wrong, being into BDSM doesn’t make you a better and more open minded person (if you doubt me, have a look at MF).

I’ve said before that I met the nicest and most open minded people through BDSM, and it’s true, but to be fair, I also met the scummiest racist assholes, misogynists, bigoted wankers and backstabbing, stalking dirtbags through it. All it is is a sexual preference, doesn’t make you morally superior, more open minded and all that.
Would be nice if you could trust everybody who’s into BDSM, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t! Just like with everything else you should be careful who you trust, because the real scumbags are good at hiding their identity.

Getting back to the theme, it would be preferable if you could get your spouse to have an interest into BDSM, it won’t always work and you don’t want to shock her, so be careful with what you tell her and how you tell her. Give her time to get used to it and start with VERY MILD activities.
Now in case she balks and is shocked if you bring up some very mild activities like some mild bondage, don’t push any further and just let it rest.  Pressuring her won’t help, it will be a good way to mess up your relationship.
In case you won’t be happy without certain activities from time to time, go and see a pro domme. If you know the wife would freak out, well then shut the fuck up about it. You have to be aware that your first responsibility is to your wife and your family, that’s why I said go to a pro and keep it as a business transaction, don’t fool yourself into thinking this is the new great romance and you should leave your family for her. Do your best to hide it from your wife. I know it’s not honest, but in this case, honesty would only hurt your spouse, she would start to doubt herself, wonder why she can’t be everything for you and all that. Hardly anybody can be everything for somebody else.

Here’s a very sobering thought, I know a lot of people who got married because they were BDSM compatible, and in a lot of cases the guy simply loses all clear vision, it’s almost like a sub feeding frenzy: For the 1st time there is somebody who indulges him and satisfies his kinks, they often get so blinded that they marry in a rush, only to find out that hardly anybody can live it 24/7. It’s the equivalent of vanilla people having great sex. Sorry for being crude, but a good fuck doesn’t make somebody compatible in other aspects or a good life partner. Long term you need a hell lot more than kink compatibility and infatuation.

So in case you decided to see a pro because you would be unhappy suppressing your BDSM desires, you owe it to your spouse (in case she would be hurt to find out) to make sure she will never find out. You also owe it to your family to not deprive them of money, if you can’t afford it, skip your lunch and save up for it. I know not nice, but tell yourself that it’s part of your service if it makes it easier. Go for the cheap option. Clean out the attic or the cellar and sell a lot of the stuff you don’t need on eBay, Craig’s List or Gumtree.
Apart from that, if you feel guilty, deal with it, don’t use the excuse that you want to be honest about it and burden your wife with the knowledge. Your feelings for her don’t change, if she’s not wired to share BDSM with you, knowing about it would make her unhappy, just so you could feel a bit better about “having been honest”. All you do is burden her with it so you feel a bit better and have the excuse of being honest.
It’s not her fault that she doesn’t like BDSM, just like it’s not your fault that you like it, but you owe it to her and yourself to keep your feelings in check, don’t session like crazy and make sure your family isn’t lacking anything.

Oh and something else, if you treat her like your personal servant, expect her to do everything in the house, have your dinner on the table on time and all that -  you’re not encouraging her to be a dominant, especially if you only want her to be dominant when and however it suits you. Think about that one before you claim the next time that you’re wife is just boring vanilla!

Btw here is a pretty good video, though it must be a bit old or quite a bit away from Central London, £150 an hour doesn't seem to be realistic for London, especially for the outrageous rents there.


Monday, 17 September 2012



I recently had this conversation with KKB, or “Her Majesty’s Plaything” as he’s known on Blogger, I’m not sure how it came about, I think we were talking about very young pro dommes and that it seems to be unfair to expect somebody who’s barely 18 to call all the shots and make wise choices… I mentioned that I usually get a bit creeped out when middle aged guys have this thing for barely legal girls, I always want to yell “Give them a chance to find their own sexuality first!” Oh and then we talked about how much more fun “older guys” are.

There really is something special about a guy who comes to a dungeon and knows what he likes, especially if he’s also a bit of a masochist. It’s not just all the actions, it’s also the fun of talking with somebody who has lived a bit and is interesting to talk to.

Anyway, most of the stuff I learned I didn’t learn from other dommes but actually from clients, there really is no better teacher than an experienced bottom. I first thought when I was telling some guys that I don’t feel ready to do certain things, that it would turn them off, but some of them were actually really cool with it and we sort of bartered. They showed me how to do some things and of course I didn’t charge them for teaching me. Usually worked out that they booked an hour and we did 90 minutes and I covered the rest of the dungeon rent myself. Seemed only fair.

I think some of them were grooming me to be their domme, and yeah, worked for both sides, I learned a lot and they enjoyed teaching me the basics and then letting me expand on it. I found those relationships just really really great. Another thing I look back at fondly… The excitement of learning new things and all that. I hope that doesn’t sound like I know it all, because that I definitely do not, but I sometimes wish I could revisit learning something completely new with the same zest and anticipation, but to be honest, while BDSM is and always was a part of my life, it’s just not that important anymore. I’m just not the kid in the sweetshop anymore who wants to try almost everything… On the other hand, while it’s a lot less, it’s also much more exciting, sort of a treat from time to time. I must have grown up while I wasn’t looking ;)

But I found a really cool video I enjoyed, nothing too raunchy, just BDSM through the history...


Wednesday, 12 September 2012

The perfect session

How to…

Well how to have the perfect session is one of the questions that gets asked frequently, and to be honest, I can’t give you any guarantees, nobody can. It does help if you communicate clearly what you are looking for, do your research and keep a clear head, and be aware that there is a difference between fantasy and reality. In your fantasy something might be really really exciting, in reality the pain or whatever activity was so exciting in your fantasy, simply might not turn you on

I know it can be taunting and actually quite embarrassing to phrase what you want, your doubts and your insecurities, but trust me, most dommes have heard it all. What’s better, being embarrassed for 5 minutes or spending 2 or 300 bucks for a session that didn’t quite turn out as you planned because you didn’t tell her?

Sessions really depend so much on chemistry, I always find it so funny if people ask me what my all time favourite activity is, I honestly can’t tell you, because it depends so much on the person I play with. Something that has me more or less salivating with somebody, it can leave me completely cold with somebody else.

So when it comes to booking sessions, I would seriously recommend to look for somebody who has similar interests, but even more than that, somebody you have a vibe with.  Looks have a lot to do with it, but don’t get hung up on looks, model looks don’t automatically mean a great session, as long as you are attracted to the domme, that’s really all it takes.

Over the years, I have seen some really stunning women, of course guys will flock to them first, but more than once the same guys came out of a session with a long face. All too often they just relied on their looks. That’s not to say that every gorgeous domme doesn’t know what she is doing, some are amazing, but you have to talk to them, find out about them and if they’d be right for you. Does she listen to what you are looking for and actually talk to you, asks questions and makes sure she understands it?

Seeing a domme is a bit like going to a restaurant, if you don’t like rice, best avoid Asian restaurants, if you don’t like it spicy, Mexican is possibly out…  You do your research and you are trying to find a dish that you will like. It’s really not so different.

Or imagine buying a suit or shoes, one pair might look great but they just don’t fit right…

Talk to a few dommes, get a feel for them, you don’t have to waste their time but you can have interactions with them. Trust your gut feeling, but remember, it’s a session, it’s really not a life-partner. And also bear in mind that your fantasies are almost always a lot better, fantasies don’t hurt, everything happens just like you want it to happen. Unless you find a domme who’s also a mind reader, it’s not very likely that it will happen in session just as perfect as in your fantasy. Try and be open minded and get her input, she might have some ideas herself… In case she doesn’t, well, do you want to spend money on somebody who doesn’t even want to give you input?

The sad reality is there really is no guarantee for a stellar session, but you can do your part to minimize the risk a bit. Also if you are not too hung up on your fantasy and open minded about letting the domme work within a range, you might do a lot better if you’re open minded and you don’t want your fantasy replicated in real life, that’s almost always a recipe for disaster. Even if you have experience and you’re looking for another domme, take each woman as a new experience and not a replacement for the previous domme, you get much more out of it this way!

Basically getting a good session is a bit of a gamble, most of the sessions where guys claimed they were stellar (apart from the usual BS when they are still flying high on endorphins and you have to take it with a grain of salt anyway), looking back, from just the activities they weren’t all that stellar or outrageous, we just happened to have fairly good chemistry, which often really makes all the difference.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

I'm just a worthless worm...

Worthless worms…

Sorry, I’m a bit down today, got to do with the date and losing some friends 11 years ago, I rather not dwell on it so I’m having a rant about an email I got from a “worthless worm not worthy, blah blah blah”

Seriously, why would any domme worth her salt want a worthless worm? I mean if there are men with self-respect, intelligence, brains, manners and all that willing to sub and play, why on earth would I pick somebody who likens himself to a rather disgusting decomposer? Nothing against worms, real ones, they do serve a purpose, a guy claiming he’s a worthless worm serves no purpose, he’s simply disgusting and to be honest a bit of an insult. What he’s saying is that I can’t do better, well, sorry about that, but I think I can!

I get the humiliation aspect, though I have to admit it’s not one of my great preferences, but seriously, if you’re into degradation, shouldn’t I degrade you, calling yourself a worthless worm is a little bit of DIY degradation, so where’s the point?

This whole “worthless” spiel also makes me think of somebody who’s mentally retarded or simply not well grounded in life, those are seriously not people I want to have close and personal interactions with. Sorry, I had my fair share of crazy stalkers and psychopaths, I’m trying to avoid them actively, so a message that basically has “CRAZY” blinking in red letters all over, just ain’t going to happen, duckie! I just don’t feel suicidal enough to even entertain the idea of meeting up with you…

I said it before and I say it again, BDSM is a sport for grown ups, I want to play with somebody who’s grown up, somebody who’s aware of the risks and takes them willingly because let’s face it, SSC is a myth, there is nothing safe or sane about what we do, all we can hope for is being risk aware.

And call me a pervert (nothing wrong with that), but it’s just so much more fun to play with somebody who’s intelligent and clued up, who does it willingly and not out of desperation, who does it for ME, because he considers me worthy, not because he thinks he’s unworthy. Somebody I can be depraved with, somebody who enjoys things that would have your average guy call the cops or at least a shrink, and we’re both enjoying ourselves. And after we’ve done all of that, there is still the respect for each other as intelligent human beings. And we can sit down, have a glass of wine and discuss the world – as equals. Talk about something that’s really mind blowing!

Monday, 10 September 2012

Ever fallen in love with a pro domme?

Ever fallen in love with a pro domme?

Have you ever fallen in love with a professional domme? Happens, unfortunately quite frequently and you know what I am going to tell you, right? Get a reality check.

Let’s assume for a moment that it’s going to work out and she feels the same way you do, and you’re both single, it does happen, though not very often, what then? You think it’s really cool and for a while you might be deliriously happy, but then reality sets in.
All those kinky things you really like, she’ll possibly will still be doing them with others and unless you are one of the very rare guys that aren’t jealous, it’s going to cause some friction. First you’ll feel a bit odd about it, but over time resentment will build up and all too often you’re going to clash and have arguments….

I know, all the cool clothes, tools and all that, and you got free access to it, and a fetish delivery system – sorry, dominant girlfriend – on top of that. Sounds great, but hey, maybe she is a bit tired when she comes back from work, maybe she just wants to have a foot rub? You know she spent the whole day in those cool boots that just aren’t comfortable, those really nice corsets, I love them but they really aren’t all that comfortable… I think most BDSM clothes look really great and hot and I do love wearing them, but they JUST AREN’T COMFORTABLE! So running around the house in it, not really. A day in the dungeon and you’re actually really happy to put the fuzzy slippers on, and something that’s comfy.
Oh you want to play now? But I’m just a bit tired, I just want to flop out on the sofa and please, how about that foot rub? You’re not into feet if they’re not in boots or high heels… Oh dear…

Another day, we’re both in the mood to play and I got some new tricks and I’m going to do some really cool things to you. What do you mean? Where did I learn them? In the dungeon of course. Who was the guy? A client… Why are you pulling a face? Why do you have to ruin the mood? You do know what I do…

Yet another day or week, I’m so looking forward to coming home, and wow, we’re going to have some fun. Why do you need to know why I am aroused all of a sudden? What happened, what have I done, who have I met? Why are you so grumpy? Look, let’s not talk about all this, the mood is ruined now anyway, let’s watch some TV….

I know I’m a kill joy, but seen it happening frequently and it never really works out long term. To be honest, I can’t even blame the guys, it must be really difficult if you know that your gf is doing all those things you like with other guys. Oddly enough often guys who aren’t submissive have less of a problem with it, because it’s stuff they don’t want to have done to them. If you’re into it, sooner or later you’re just going to ask yourself what she’s doing, if she might enjoy it more with somebody else. You think that you met her as a client, so maybe she will meet somebody else… It may work in the first honeymoon phase, but once reality and jealousy sets in, the sparks are going to fly and not in a good way. Or resentment sets in festers, which is even worse…

Then of course there are those who are in relationships and the bloom might be off a bit, the wife might not scratch the kinky urges and all of a sudden there is an attractive female who does. Quite natural to think that a life like that would be bliss…
Reality check: Divorces are messy, would you really leave the partner you have spent years with and build a life together with and risk it all? Even if the domme is willing to make a start with you – see above. Could you really cope with it? REALLY?
How about us? You think we are going to trust a guy who leaves his partner for us? Chances are he's going to leave us too if something more tempting comes along. 

There’s nothing wrong with having a mild crush on the woman you session with, it makes it more exciting, but you are doing everybody a favour if you do reality checks from time to time and you don’t let it get out of hand.
In case you’re going overboard and she has a shred of morals, she’ll give you a talk and will try to discourage you. While it might be flattering that a guy falls in love with you, it’s also a bit uncomfortable. Somebody has feelings for you you just don’t and can’t return. It’s really icky. Talk about walking on egg shells!  You’d like to do something, but you double check with yourself if he might not misunderstand it. Woah, talk about stress and feeling uneasy.
It’s a bit like that guy in high school who was crushing on you and you were in the same group, but you just weren’t interested and you tried to avoid him or just be normal and friendly to him.

From a business point of view it’s even worse, if the guy doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll be angry and disillusioned. Best thing that’s going to happen is that you have a disgruntled client who’ll bitch about you, possibly going on about “leading him on” (even if he really didn’t take the hints), or if he’s a complete idiot, he’s going to cause trouble, if he’s mentally unstable he might stalk you.

I hear a lot about guys who complain that they were led on, yes, some dommes will, being a domme doesn’t make everybody into a nice moral being, hey, being a kinkster doesn’t turn everybody into a nice person, get with the program! I hear all about your vulnerability as a submissive, but let me put the breaks on for a moment. Being a submissive doesn’t mean you turn all of a sudden into a brainless and spineless creature. You are having a sexual preference, it’s just that, a sexual preference, it’s not a brain tumour or free pass to stop using your brain and good judgement! As a grown up, you learned – or should have learned during puberty – to not think with your lower regions. You’re a grown up, act like one. Your sexual preference doesn’t influence your work life, does it? It doesn’t stop you from hanging out with friends and enjoying yourself, if you are having an abusive friend, you’d get rid of him or her.

In case you are perfectly capable of leading a normal life outside of the dungeon, don’t leave your brain outside once you enter a dungeon. BDSM is a sport for grown ups, act like one. Have frequent reality checks. If you’re applying for a job, you check the company, you don’t just hear what you want to hear, if you’re employing an electrician or a plumber, you also listen to what they say and do a reality check. In case they promise you to turn your fish tank into a combines TV/microwave – you’d tell them to take a hike. If a female insurance sales person flirts with you to get you to sign an insurance you don’t need, you decline.

Let me repeat something: You are going to a PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX (hint: the clue is in professional), you are paying a few hundred bucks to get you kinky needs met. Doesn’t mean there can’t be a friendship outside those sessions, but you aren’t having the most meaningful relationship ever just because you pay to session with her. Friendships are mutual things.
Now if you want to know if it is a real friendship or just a “business friendship lite” ask yourself, would she still be in contact with you if you weren’t a client? If the answer is yes, then you are really friends, enjoy. If the answer is no, then you’re having a casual friendship with somebody you also like on a professional basis. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s UP TO YOU to do that reality check. Don’t put the responsibility on the domme.

Now in case a domme does play with your feelings, it’s not very ethical, yes, but on the other hand, shouldn’t you have thought about a bunch of things yourself and taken responsibility for your own actions? You know, waited until you haven’t got a hard-on anymore and can use your brain and then asked yourself a few questions, namely why somebody half your age would spend time with you… Again, you might find a hint in the word professional.

Now before you tell me that I’m all negative against pro dommes, I am not! Trust me, I do know how much it costs to have equipment, fetish clothes and all that, it’s an investment. Learning how to do it takes time. It’s not easy money, you have to like what you are doing or else it really fucks you up, heck, it sometimes even fucks you up if you like it because you aren’t always dealing with well adjusted people. 
The thing is, because you had a mind blowing hour in the dungeon, it doesn’t mean you own a piece of our ass, it doesn’t mean we are responsible for your feelings. You came out of your own free will because you wanted to purchase that hour, and you possibly feel a lot better once you got those desires out of your system. We’re not therapists, if it feels therapeutic for you, GREAT! But please, do not make the pro domme responsible for your whole life, your feelings and what you decide to do with your life. If that would be an option, we’d offer monthly or yearly contracts, not play by the hour!

Sorry for the long rant, but just got off the phone, a friend of mine (yep, a pro domme) just told me that one of her clients decided to tell her that he left the wife and wants to live with her happy ever after. From what she told me, and knowing her quite well, entirely believable, they sessioned twice a month. Sometimes sat down for a chat or a coffee, he knows she’s married and there was never any talk about it being more than a professional relationship and a bit of friendly chitchat about work, his hobbies and vacations. She actually thought he was well grounded but apparently midlife crisis got the better of him!

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Thinking back...

I was thinking back and being a bit melancholy, remembering the fun times in sessions, even if they weren’t that funny at the time being, some of the experiences I just wouldn’t like to miss ;)

One of my favourite memories is the guy who was well into his 80’s, now not that this was so outrageous, quite a few older guys who were into BDSM, but he was really special. He wanted to be a bride and he had the most gorgeous wedding dress and bridal lingerie, everything. Like clockwork he would show up once a month and book 2 hours, it took at least 30 minutes to get him into his finery, lace him up in the white corset, then put the dress on, then the wig, the veil… You get the idea…
The rest of the time I spent playing mother of the bride and telling him (the bride) about the “facts of life” and that it won’t be pleasant but it’s needed to please the husband and have kids.

Sounds really boring but it wasn’t, he so got into his role and started to cry, he panicked at the thought of sex and losing “her” virginity. I really started to grow to like him and looked forward to seeing him again. He never talked much, thanked me after every session and left. It was strange, despite no "real" BDSM activities happening, it always got so intense, and I almost felt like the mother of the bride...

Then there was the guy who annoyed the hell out of us, kept on calling the dungeon, telling us we’re not hard enough for him. In the end we offered him a free session just to lure him in. I had some fun with that, sometimes a good mindfuck is just what is needed ;) So I found a clothes iron, heated it up but hid it, and a package of frozen fish fingers. 
When he came, we put him face down on the rack, before he got the blindfold on, I spat on my finger and checked the iron, it sizzled nicely. When he was blindfolded and gagged (and of course secured safely on the rack), I told him he will get a big brand as a reminder, before we start sessioning “for real”. He started to flap like a fish out of water, I grabbed the frozen package of fish fingers and just pressed them on his back. Hot or cold – feels the same for the first few moments, the nerves can’t tell the difference. Despite the gag, he almost screamed the place down. Had to untie him and let him go, because in his fear he had peed all over the rack. Wasn’t nice to clean up but hey, at least he never ever called again…

Another classic was the guy who insisted on a bull whipping, vehemently against any kind of warm up, I had to actually negotiate that I would be allowed to warm him up, I think I told him I wouldn’t take the session otherwise. He was seriously pissed off with that but grudgingly agreed, kept on telling me he’s so experienced and I seem to be an amateur, and safe word, he won’t need it, it’s all bullshit and only for wusses. So once I had him secured on the cross, I started with a warm up, he did scream a hell lot for such a hard dude. I thought the whole “Stop, ouch, stop” was just part of his game, you know the “forced” stuff or to make it more real for him and got a paddle, screaming got louder, I still thought it’s part of his act, I mean he was so insistent on no warm up and all that and his experience.
Next I grabbed a flogger and after a few not even hard strokes he seemed to be close to a collapse. I decided to check with him and step out of costume for a while, because by then tears were screaming down his face.
He told me he couldn’t take it anymore and it is really far too painful. I was really puzzled and said that we were still doing the warm up and he had mentioned his experiences and that he had it done plenty of times before.
To cut a long story short, it turned out that he had watched an OWK video (I am dating myself here) several times, and it didn’t really look so painful…
I bet my face didn’t look very smart when my brain digested that information, a real DUH moment…

Maybe I should do a little blog entry about session bloppers…

Monday, 3 September 2012

Dommes, clients, friendship...

A comment made me realize that maybe my blog makes guys feel uneasy, well, to be honest, I did warn you right at the beginning that you wouldn’t like it and that I’d bust some myths…

Actually the blog is nothing against clients, if I’m honest, the majority of clients was fine and a delight. As crazy as it sounds, I met life-long friends through sessions, people I’m still in touch with and I still spend time with. Not on a D/s basis, but simply as friends. People I can call up if I want to talk about something completely unrelated, I can use them as sounding boards and they usually give me good advise – and of course they can call me anytime and frequently do. We’re simply friends, like lots of other people, a sexual orientation is just that, doesn’t really change your personality

Some of the smartest and most open minded people I’ve ever met are into BDSM, be they masochists, fetishists or submissives. What apart from the fact that they’re into BDSM and we share a common interest, makes them friends? Pretty simple, that’s not the only interest we share, and there is chemistry. A common interest in BDSM is not enough, come on, how many people share a hobby with you but that’s the only thing you have in common, doesn’t automatically qualify them as friends.

Friendships happen in a lot of different places, but they require work from both sides. I made friends in the weirdest places, once at the dentist, seriously, a guy who was even more scared than me and I tried to calm him down. He waited until I was finished and asked me if he could buy me a drink as a thank you. He didn’t try to pick me up, he was just nice, and trust me, women have a radar for that.

In case you don’t strike up a friendship with your domme, don’t be disappointed, there can be a lot of reasons for that. For one, you guys are the ones who always want their privacy respected, you head off home and that’s it for us, let’s face it, most of you guys aren’t at liberty to strike up a friendship because you’re in a relationship already.
For a lot of dommes it’s simply self-preservation to keep their distance, you guys often wander on to the next domme, we don’t even hear what has happened to you. Then some guys just freak out and become stalkers, endangering our private lives and often our work situation. Place yourself in our shoes, what on earth would you do?

The best thing you can do is enjoy a session for what it is and then back to real life, in case you get on with your domme and a friendship develops, great, enjoy, if not, don’t sweat it, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you or that you’re a bad person, it just means that she has a life outside of domming and you don’t fit into that life and she wants to keep her normal life separate from her BDSM life. Pretty much like the majority of clients do.

So guys, don’t feel bad about being clients, you go and see a pro domme to get an urge scratched, that’s a hell lot better than pretending that you don’t have the urge and being miserable and lashing out to everybody who does (a bit like the closet queers are the biggest gay bashers). Just do a reality check from time to time. Keep pro domination where it belongs to, in the dungeon. Trust me, everybody is much happier this way.

I’m not claiming that I know it all, I can only tell you what worked for me, and outside of the dungeon was outside of the dungeon. The friends I made were just that outside of the BDSM environment, friends, people I sat down with, went for a drink with, discussed problems and all that. It’s a give and take, it doesn’t work with everybody, if it works, enjoy, if not, trying to force it is definitely not going to work!