Monday, 10 September 2012

Ever fallen in love with a pro domme?

Ever fallen in love with a pro domme?

Have you ever fallen in love with a professional domme? Happens, unfortunately quite frequently and you know what I am going to tell you, right? Get a reality check.

Let’s assume for a moment that it’s going to work out and she feels the same way you do, and you’re both single, it does happen, though not very often, what then? You think it’s really cool and for a while you might be deliriously happy, but then reality sets in.
All those kinky things you really like, she’ll possibly will still be doing them with others and unless you are one of the very rare guys that aren’t jealous, it’s going to cause some friction. First you’ll feel a bit odd about it, but over time resentment will build up and all too often you’re going to clash and have arguments….

I know, all the cool clothes, tools and all that, and you got free access to it, and a fetish delivery system – sorry, dominant girlfriend – on top of that. Sounds great, but hey, maybe she is a bit tired when she comes back from work, maybe she just wants to have a foot rub? You know she spent the whole day in those cool boots that just aren’t comfortable, those really nice corsets, I love them but they really aren’t all that comfortable… I think most BDSM clothes look really great and hot and I do love wearing them, but they JUST AREN’T COMFORTABLE! So running around the house in it, not really. A day in the dungeon and you’re actually really happy to put the fuzzy slippers on, and something that’s comfy.
Oh you want to play now? But I’m just a bit tired, I just want to flop out on the sofa and please, how about that foot rub? You’re not into feet if they’re not in boots or high heels… Oh dear…

Another day, we’re both in the mood to play and I got some new tricks and I’m going to do some really cool things to you. What do you mean? Where did I learn them? In the dungeon of course. Who was the guy? A client… Why are you pulling a face? Why do you have to ruin the mood? You do know what I do…

Yet another day or week, I’m so looking forward to coming home, and wow, we’re going to have some fun. Why do you need to know why I am aroused all of a sudden? What happened, what have I done, who have I met? Why are you so grumpy? Look, let’s not talk about all this, the mood is ruined now anyway, let’s watch some TV….

I know I’m a kill joy, but seen it happening frequently and it never really works out long term. To be honest, I can’t even blame the guys, it must be really difficult if you know that your gf is doing all those things you like with other guys. Oddly enough often guys who aren’t submissive have less of a problem with it, because it’s stuff they don’t want to have done to them. If you’re into it, sooner or later you’re just going to ask yourself what she’s doing, if she might enjoy it more with somebody else. You think that you met her as a client, so maybe she will meet somebody else… It may work in the first honeymoon phase, but once reality and jealousy sets in, the sparks are going to fly and not in a good way. Or resentment sets in festers, which is even worse…

Then of course there are those who are in relationships and the bloom might be off a bit, the wife might not scratch the kinky urges and all of a sudden there is an attractive female who does. Quite natural to think that a life like that would be bliss…
Reality check: Divorces are messy, would you really leave the partner you have spent years with and build a life together with and risk it all? Even if the domme is willing to make a start with you – see above. Could you really cope with it? REALLY?
How about us? You think we are going to trust a guy who leaves his partner for us? Chances are he's going to leave us too if something more tempting comes along. 

There’s nothing wrong with having a mild crush on the woman you session with, it makes it more exciting, but you are doing everybody a favour if you do reality checks from time to time and you don’t let it get out of hand.
In case you’re going overboard and she has a shred of morals, she’ll give you a talk and will try to discourage you. While it might be flattering that a guy falls in love with you, it’s also a bit uncomfortable. Somebody has feelings for you you just don’t and can’t return. It’s really icky. Talk about walking on egg shells!  You’d like to do something, but you double check with yourself if he might not misunderstand it. Woah, talk about stress and feeling uneasy.
It’s a bit like that guy in high school who was crushing on you and you were in the same group, but you just weren’t interested and you tried to avoid him or just be normal and friendly to him.

From a business point of view it’s even worse, if the guy doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll be angry and disillusioned. Best thing that’s going to happen is that you have a disgruntled client who’ll bitch about you, possibly going on about “leading him on” (even if he really didn’t take the hints), or if he’s a complete idiot, he’s going to cause trouble, if he’s mentally unstable he might stalk you.

I hear a lot about guys who complain that they were led on, yes, some dommes will, being a domme doesn’t make everybody into a nice moral being, hey, being a kinkster doesn’t turn everybody into a nice person, get with the program! I hear all about your vulnerability as a submissive, but let me put the breaks on for a moment. Being a submissive doesn’t mean you turn all of a sudden into a brainless and spineless creature. You are having a sexual preference, it’s just that, a sexual preference, it’s not a brain tumour or free pass to stop using your brain and good judgement! As a grown up, you learned – or should have learned during puberty – to not think with your lower regions. You’re a grown up, act like one. Your sexual preference doesn’t influence your work life, does it? It doesn’t stop you from hanging out with friends and enjoying yourself, if you are having an abusive friend, you’d get rid of him or her.

In case you are perfectly capable of leading a normal life outside of the dungeon, don’t leave your brain outside once you enter a dungeon. BDSM is a sport for grown ups, act like one. Have frequent reality checks. If you’re applying for a job, you check the company, you don’t just hear what you want to hear, if you’re employing an electrician or a plumber, you also listen to what they say and do a reality check. In case they promise you to turn your fish tank into a combines TV/microwave – you’d tell them to take a hike. If a female insurance sales person flirts with you to get you to sign an insurance you don’t need, you decline.

Let me repeat something: You are going to a PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX (hint: the clue is in professional), you are paying a few hundred bucks to get you kinky needs met. Doesn’t mean there can’t be a friendship outside those sessions, but you aren’t having the most meaningful relationship ever just because you pay to session with her. Friendships are mutual things.
Now if you want to know if it is a real friendship or just a “business friendship lite” ask yourself, would she still be in contact with you if you weren’t a client? If the answer is yes, then you are really friends, enjoy. If the answer is no, then you’re having a casual friendship with somebody you also like on a professional basis. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s UP TO YOU to do that reality check. Don’t put the responsibility on the domme.

Now in case a domme does play with your feelings, it’s not very ethical, yes, but on the other hand, shouldn’t you have thought about a bunch of things yourself and taken responsibility for your own actions? You know, waited until you haven’t got a hard-on anymore and can use your brain and then asked yourself a few questions, namely why somebody half your age would spend time with you… Again, you might find a hint in the word professional.

Now before you tell me that I’m all negative against pro dommes, I am not! Trust me, I do know how much it costs to have equipment, fetish clothes and all that, it’s an investment. Learning how to do it takes time. It’s not easy money, you have to like what you are doing or else it really fucks you up, heck, it sometimes even fucks you up if you like it because you aren’t always dealing with well adjusted people. 
The thing is, because you had a mind blowing hour in the dungeon, it doesn’t mean you own a piece of our ass, it doesn’t mean we are responsible for your feelings. You came out of your own free will because you wanted to purchase that hour, and you possibly feel a lot better once you got those desires out of your system. We’re not therapists, if it feels therapeutic for you, GREAT! But please, do not make the pro domme responsible for your whole life, your feelings and what you decide to do with your life. If that would be an option, we’d offer monthly or yearly contracts, not play by the hour!

Sorry for the long rant, but just got off the phone, a friend of mine (yep, a pro domme) just told me that one of her clients decided to tell her that he left the wife and wants to live with her happy ever after. From what she told me, and knowing her quite well, entirely believable, they sessioned twice a month. Sometimes sat down for a chat or a coffee, he knows she’s married and there was never any talk about it being more than a professional relationship and a bit of friendly chitchat about work, his hobbies and vacations. She actually thought he was well grounded but apparently midlife crisis got the better of him!


  1. Been there. Done that. You and I have talked this one to death already. Here I go again.

    Falling in love with a prodomme is a really bad idea. There is no upside to it for a client. If you think this is happening to you it's time to walk away and go see someone else. Easier said than done perhaps but the harder it is to do the more important it is to do it. There are some excellent prodommes out there who can surely take your mind off your broken heart. As a good friend of mine once said; "when it comes to being a client sometimes slutty is better."

    I realize my advice flies in the face of "conventional wisdom" which dictates one should form an exclusive relationship with a pro in order to go deeper and have more profound experiences. While there is some truth to that the exclusive approach also encourages emotional attachment. Most prodommes would prefer a client become emotionally attached because attachment encourages repeat business. There is nothing wrong with that. Prodommes need regular clientele the same as any other business does. It's up to the client to be a big boy and keep himself in check.

    Frequent reality checks are extremely important if you decide to see one pro exclusively. Many folks are not capable of the honesty self appraisal or the emotional detachment the exclusive approach requires. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you recognize it. If this sounds like you your best bet is to either:

    1) Become a joyous slut
    2) Seek out a lifestyle relationship

    Excellent advice Constanze! Great song too! ;-)

    1. There's nothing wrong with an exclusive relationship, because you get to know each other better and if you want to push limits, it's actually the way to go, but for that you need to be grounded and know what is going on. You're having a goal, and the goal is not a romantic relationship. If you're working with a trainer, it's also a good idea to keep the trainer.

      Attachment isn't the same as being blind and projecting your feelings.

      You know, it's also no upside for the domme, it's really uncomfy to have to sit the guy down and tell him "the facts of life", the usual reactions are outrage, denial... You're most likely going to lose a client, but you'd lose the client anyway, so it's better to lose him before he thinks you played with his feelings and led him on.

      That's one reason why quite often I encouraged doubles or asked clients to play with a colleague, first of all it spiced things up and stopped the sessions from going stale, the other one was, it reminded them (without having to have THE TALK) that it's not a romantic thing and that he should not go over board with his feelings.

      Also one of the reasons that LC only existed in the dungeon, outside it was just me, warts and all.

      It's actually not easy to tailor a session so that the client is very happy, quite a challenge, especially if you don't want to do cookie cutter sessions and you are also concerned about safety. It's actually almost unfair to expect prodommes to deal with the feelings of clients and them falling in love. It's simply not part of the bargain or the "service".

      Each and everyone had to deal with somebody of the opposite or same sex at least once in our lives and then had to tell that person why not. It's not the most pleasant thing because you don't want to hurt feelings, it's UNCOMFY, and the "Dear John" talk with a client is just that, but it makes it even harder because the guys tend to get really really angry very often.

  2. What's funny about our conversations is that they start as comments on a blog then evolve into a series of emails back and forth. If this next bit sounds familiar like you have read it before that's because you probably have! ;-)

    It's not easy to have the talk. In addition to possibly dampening client enthusiasm it's just plain uncomfortable. But I think it's totally necessary if a domme senses a client going off the deep end. It's the kindest thing she can do really. Call it tough love.

    Like the song says; "everybody's looking for something." Trouble is many are barking up the wrong tree. So much of this stuff is based on fantasy. It's all in the mind.

    I possibly erred when I said "most dommes prefer emotional attachment on the part of their clients". Perhaps I should have said "many" or even "some". Though pros understandably want repeat business I very much doubt they enjoy the obsessional stalker type behavior that sometimes results from a client going overboard.

    1. Of course everybody prefers somebody they know, not just the repeat business, it's also nicer if you know each other.

      As for the "tough love" - if guys would only understand that, they usually get all butthurt when they get "the talk", no matter how careful and then go off in a sulk. If you have to give them "the talk" you worry about them freaking out on you, because most will go into straight denial and huff off.

      On the other hand, you should really think that grown men are a bit more firmly attached in reality and realize that they are not buying a person, they are buying an experience. Again if you hire a personal trainer, no matter how attractive she is, how much she helps you to sculpt your body, no matter how much you enjoy working out together, nobody would think that automatically is the magic ingredient for a romantic relationship.

      You know, if the shoe would be on the other foot and a domme would try to have "more" with a client, most people would be outraged. Dommes don't even get the courtesy of knowing that clients are OK, they just move on, nobody cares if we worry, we have to be the "professionals" - but at the same time we are made responsible for the feelings of clients, the same guys who don't grant us the right to feel even worried if you guys disappear without a trace. There's something really unfair about that arrangement!