We got the outer
layers of clothing wigs, shoes and the bras covered in the previous blog
entries,but to look realistic,
most of you will need some undergarments that shape you a bit. It’s not just
that guys are lacking the typical bone structure of women and the female
curves, men just have a completely different fat distribution. The good news
about that is, that your legs will most likely look spectacular, a lot better
than most women’s legs because you got less fat on them. As a little nugget of
information, quite a lot of hosiery manufacturers use male models for the
tights and stockings….
If you don’t have a
butt, you could go for padded undergarments or trick a bit with the clothes, a
skirt with pockets on the back will add a bit, or you buy padded panties to
give you the curves you want.
Again, find out your
right size and if that site is too expensive for you, check out the shape or
garment you want and get yourself on eBay for a bargain. Of course you can
experiment a little bit with all sorts of clothes and padding, but trust me,
this stuff works a lot better than painstakingly trying to pad out your bottom
and it’s slipping and sliding and you end up looking like a hunchback, instead
of looking like a woman with a curvy ass…
Another thing you will
want is a waspie or waist clincher,to give the illusion of a waist. Again if you are looking online, you
best know your measurements, and the names you are searching the online
shopping sites for are waspie, waist clincher, waist shaper, girdle. Most of
them are elastic and don’t work quite as well as a short corset, but they’re
fairly inexpensive and give you an idea, and help to shape you. If you aren’t
used to a corset, it’s almost impossible to put it on by yourself. So go slow
before you end up spending a lot of money on a real corset and you end up with
something you can’t use!
In case you absolutely
want a corset, for guys usually shorter corsets are a lot better, because of
your particular shape, you don’t need something to minimize the hips, you need
to create an artificial waist that gives the illusion that your hips flare out
a bit. But again, in most cases you are doing just fine with a high waist panty
girdle, which will also minimalize the bulge you don’t want to have. As a
little hint, make sure you do have an empty bladder, not only it will be a lot
more comfortable, it’s not easy getting in and out of those garments.
Now in case you like
something under your clothes, just to feel a bit naughty during the day, wear a
waspie under your clothes along with some girlie panties, throw in a pair of
tights too and you got a bit of a thrill all day long ;)
In case you do need
orders from a domme, I suggest you contact a domme you know and just ask if she
could give you some orders via phone or email, chances are that she’s aware of
the economic situation, so next time you see her, just add a healthy tip to
your tribute and everybody is happy.
Now if you are working
in a job where a suit and tie is required, wear a white t-shirt under your
shirt, to make sure nobody sees the waspie.
You know instead of
the money you spend for a session, you can invest a fraction of it in clothes
and have a “work up” to your session and the anticipation for quite a while.
Money gets a bit tighter for everybody, so this might just be a bit of fun in
between sessions and a good way for yourself to get you in the right mindset
for a session. For a lot of guys sessioning once a month or every few months is
simply not enough. The clothes can be worn again and again.
For those of you who
are married and can’t keep the clothes at home, I would suggest just renting a
locker somewhere.
I’m still working on
all the makeup advice and I’m trying to get a friend to make a blog where she
can give you guys specific makeup advice about which brands are best and where
to get them cheap. Guys tend to have thicker skin and larger pores, so just
buying anything from the drugstore won’t usually work quite as well.
Until I’m getting
there, here’s a little link from Transbetty about how to apply makeup:
I already told you
that you need some clothes and until you have the perfect idea what your size
is, keep it stretchy, looking like a sausage ready to burst isn’t a good look,
doesn’t matter if you’re a biological woman or if you want to look like one, or
if you just like wearing women’s clothes. In case you have an athletic build
(lucky you) bulging biceps just don’t work when you’re trying to be feminine,
same with the beer gut or hairy legs, I get to that later.
Shoes, not too high as
you want to walk in them, in the pervious blog entry I talked about how to find
shoes, the right size and heel height, so check that out, same goes for the
wigs most of you will need. Again, eBay and other online stores are your friend
if you are afraid to go shopping…
A few hints how to get
more out of your session or how to enjoy a bit of cross dressing on your own…
If you just like the
transformation, I would recommend looking online for an open minded make-up
artist, maybe somebody who is just starting out. Everybody needs a bit of extra
in this economy and it’s a lot cheaper to see the make-up artist than to see a
domme, apart from that, you can learn a lot from a make-up artist and that
might cut down the time the domme takes until you’re ready, so you’re not
paying for an hour and get maybe 30 minutes of play time out of it because
getting you ready will take that long, you can get ready on your own and get
more play time.
One thing that is
super important is have a close shave, as close as you can get, stubbles under
makeup don’t look great.
If possible, have a
good shave elsewhere too, as I said before, the Brazilian rain forest is only
beautiful as the lung of the planet, not in your underpants… As for legs, well,
hairy legs aren’t very feminine, now if you can’t shave your legs for some
reason, try stockings or a pantyhose that is dark and thick (the higher the DEN
– denier – number, the more opaque it is), go for at least 60 or 80 DEN, or
support stockings. Additionally, thick stockings will also not rip quite as
easily, so you’ll have them longer. When it comes to size, again be generous,
models usually take their tights a size larger than they need because they
don’t rip all that easy. If you’re a big guy, look online for female plus
sizes.
You want a pair of
breasts? You possibly think that I am joking, but get a bra and some balloons.
The balloons you fill up with water and put them in the bra, this will also
give you a good idea how female breasts feel and how much we girls carry on our
chests… Of course you can get the plastic inlays and all that, but they tend to
be much more expensive and you can’t experiment much with the size. Rule of thumb is, the bigger and broader you are, the more you can get away with big boobs, if you're slight of build and you try the balloons with gallons of water, you end up looking like that poor Lolo Ferrari. Though you can get bras relatively inexpensive on eBay, it can be a lot of fun to experiment with different breast sizes. A little hint how to have breasts that are both the same size, don't rely on eye measurements, get a jug (no pun intended) with approximate measures and pour in the same amount in each balloon, or else you end up looking like a partially deflated inflatable doll - again, not a good look.
For a CD or TV to find
a fitting bra, the underbust is the most important thing, that’s the number, so
you basically measure where the band of the bra would go, check with the list
which size you need and then check which cup size you want. The cup size is the
letter. B and C are “regular” female bust sizes, if you want to have big boobs, go D or DD, but your
back won’t thank you ;)
Again, you can get a
lot of bras online at sites like eBay and such, if you are worried about going
into shops and getting measured.
The following 2 links
will tell you how to find your ideal underbust size, which is the most
important thing in a bra, and lucky guys, you can pick your own cup size and
don’t have to worry about surgery…
I really don't like the way the links are on the page and I am just not good enough to change it all, so I figured I might do a page with links that I can update whenever needed...
Thought I make this a
bit fun for everybody and just throw in the odd useful advise...
CDs and TVs (cross
dressers and transvestites) often need a bit of help, a lot of people claim
that they’re not really BDSM and all of that, to be honest, I never cared much
about labels and what is “twue and weal” BDSM, if they find themselves at home
under the umbrella of BDSM, it’s alright for me. In case somebody minds them a
lot, just don’t read and look away, they aren’t going to push themselves at
you, OK!
So a couple of my
friends do enjoy a bit of gender bending, which is actually a lot of fun (yeah,
doesn’t really work for me, I could only camouflage as a 3 headed alien) and
it’s pretty hard for them to find somebody who’s into it, a lot of them rely on
pro-dommes, but most pro-dommes don’t really have the kind of wardrobe to fit
each and every size of guy and make him look feminine. It might be an idea to
get your own clothes.
Yes, I hear you, it’s
difficult and you’re embarrassed going into a shop, I get that, but you know,
there’s a lot of stuff you can do, there’s the internet, you can go to thrift
stores and charity shops and claim you need to find something for a fancy dress
party.
There are a ton of
websites out there who will do the size conversion for you, this one is for the
US:
So you find out the
right size for you and you go online, but you should really make sure that the
material is stretchy, at least until you get an idea of your size and what will
suit you and fit you. Often there is quite a bit of difference between
different brands and how they cut the clothes, so stretchy with elastic waists
is really not the worst idea for your “starter kit”.
Don’t really go
overboard, have a look at yourself and be realistic, in short if you’re built
like the proverbial brick shit house, maybe you want to look like a high glam
pin-up, but it’s not going to work. Go with something that works for you and
that’s realistic, unless of course you want to end up looking like you escaped
straight out of a carry on comedy.
One thing you’ll need
is a good wig (again, if you’re afraid to go into shops, ebay or other online
shops, they don’t give a damn if you’re a man or a woman) you might want to be
the blonde or brunette bombshell with hair all down your back, but don’t fall
into that trap, you want to look feminine and not like a grotesque parody of a
female. Most of the super long wigs just don’t look right, unless you’re going
for something super expensive. Shoulder long hair will look a lot better and
more realistic, it’s a lot easier to look after, won’t look quite as ratty…
The same for shoes,
don’t go sky high, go for a medium height shoe and learn to walk in them, there
is nothing worse than somebody who can’t walk in high heels, you do look a lot
better in a smaller heel when you don’t fall over, because breaking an arm or a
nose won’t exactly make you look very feminine.
As for the sizes,
there is a difference in size, a female size 9 would be a male 7 to 7 ½ and if you’re going for a heel, then you
possibly will need to take that into consideration as well. So when shopping
online and you’re in doubt, rather go for the half a size bigger than you thought
originally, if needed put in an inlay, your feet will thank you, and stay away
from peep toes, unless you have very dainty, feminine toes and very well
pedicured feet. Peep toes are also often a lot more uncomfy and cut into your
toes.
There are a lot of
other things, I think I might do a little series of blog entries, because for a
lot of guys the whole “getting ready” and the transformation is just as exiting
as finally being feminized. At 200 to 300 per hour, that can be seriously
expensive, so having your own gear and knowing about getting ready can get you
a lot more play time, than if you need the domme around to get you ready, dress
you up and all that!
I have to bug a friend
of mine who’s a make-up artist if she’d write me a little bit about that, to
give you a bunch of brands that are good and some hints how to remove all your
make-up completely.
So I guess part 2 and
3 will be coming soon…
I needed to add something because by chance I found some good wig shops in the UK, maybe too far away for you and all that, but the styles should give you ideas...
Not a serious post, just wore Wellington boots all day long (yeah, long 6 hour walk with the dogs through the rain - result, dogs are tired and I have a blood blister) and then polished a few of my shoes and realized that I do have a lot of shoes...
I started thinking shoes and Fashion District in LA and remembered some shoe shops there, not always the greatest quality of shoes but some pretty sexy shoes. I do have the suspicion that some of the guys might like shoes too, especially the ones with high heels and well, here are a few pics ;)
It's a really tiny shoe shop in a side alley, called Lola's Shoetique a really busy small place, but with nice people. I don't know how long the shoes will last, I didn't buy any, but I simply liked the variety and there are just tons of heels of every variety. I'm actually playing with the idea to order some... But then again, better not, walking the dog is not exactly something you do in high heels, especially not dogs the size of mine...
I usually prefer my shoes a bit classier, but they do look like fun shoes and are actually really cheap, oh well, at least they are fun to look at, and they have also tons of pics on their FB site https://www.facebook.com/lolashoetique/photos
I had far too many serious posts, so I guess it was time for something fun ;)
The theme comes up
from time to time if it is betrayal if somebody is married and sees a pro
domme, if you want to have everything in black and white and no shades of grey
or colours exist in your world, then it’s of course a betrayal, unless you have
the permission of your SO.
Now only if life would
always be so simple… So many people think they can suppress their craving for
BDSM and it doesn’t always work this way. Falling in love often makes you think
everything is possible and that you can change. It’s also possible to fall in
love with a person and love somebody you share your life with, without sharing
every aspect of your sexuality with that person.
If your spouse is
simply not into BDSM, and you force her to do something that she hates, it’s
simply wrong.I believe forcing
somebody who’s vanilla to the core to play your domme and the person hates it
every second, you just build up resentment and damage your relationship beyond
repair. Apart from the fact that it comes close to abuse, have you considered
how your partner may feel about it?
I shouldn’t have to
say it again, but I think it can’t be said enough: Somebody who isn’t into BDSM
is not narrow minded, is not boring or uptight and all that, they are simply
not wired that way. Just like you might not be wired to find men sexually
attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, just like there is nothing wrong
with us. Being different doesn’t make you right or wrong, being into BDSM
doesn’t make you a better and more open minded person (if you doubt me, have a
look at MF).
I’ve said before that
I met the nicest and most open minded people through BDSM, and it’s true, but
to be fair, I also met the scummiest racist assholes, misogynists, bigoted
wankers and backstabbing, stalking dirtbags through it. All it is is a sexual
preference, doesn’t make you morally superior, more open minded and all that.
Would be nice if you
could trust everybody who’s into BDSM, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t! Just
like with everything else you should be careful who you trust, because the real
scumbags are good at hiding their identity.
Getting back to the
theme, it would be preferable if you could get your spouse to have an interest
into BDSM, it won’t always work and you don’t want to shock her, so be careful
with what you tell her and how you tell her. Give her time to get used to it
and start with VERY MILD activities.
Now in case she balks
and is shocked if you bring up some very mild activities like some mild
bondage, don’t push any further and just let it rest.Pressuring her won’t help, it will be a good way to mess up
your relationship.
In case you won’t be
happy without certain activities from time to time, go and see a pro domme. If
you know the wife would freak out, well then shut the fuck up about it. You
have to be aware that your first responsibility is to your wife and your
family, that’s why I said go to a pro and keep it as a business transaction,
don’t fool yourself into thinking this is the new great romance and you should
leave your family for her. Do your best to hide it from your wife. I know it’s
not honest, but in this case, honesty would only hurt your spouse, she would
start to doubt herself, wonder why she can’t be everything for you and all
that. Hardly anybody can be everything for somebody else.
Here’s a very sobering
thought, I know a lot of people who got married because they were BDSM
compatible, and in a lot of cases the guy simply loses all clear vision, it’s
almost like a sub feeding frenzy: For the 1st time there is somebody
who indulges him and satisfies his kinks, they often get so blinded that they
marry in a rush, only to find out that hardly anybody can live it 24/7. It’s
the equivalent of vanilla people having great sex. Sorry for being crude, but a
good fuck doesn’t make somebody compatible in other aspects or a good life
partner. Long term you need a hell lot more than kink compatibility and
infatuation.
So in case you decided
to see a pro because you would be unhappy suppressing your BDSM desires, you
owe it to your spouse (in case she would be hurt to find out) to make sure she
will never find out. You also owe it to your family to not deprive them of
money, if you can’t afford it, skip your lunch and save up for it. I know not
nice, but tell yourself that it’s part of your service if it makes it easier.
Go for the cheap option. Clean out the attic or the cellar and sell a lot of
the stuff you don’t need on eBay, Craig’s List or Gumtree.
Apart from that, if
you feel guilty, deal with it, don’t use the excuse that you want to be honest
about it and burden your wife with the knowledge. Your feelings for her don’t
change, if she’s not wired to share BDSM with you, knowing about it would make
her unhappy, just so you could feel a bit better about “having been honest”.
All you do is burden her with it so you feel a bit better and have the excuse
of being honest.
It’s not her fault
that she doesn’t like BDSM, just like it’s not your fault that you like it, but
you owe it to her and yourself to keep your feelings in check, don’t session
like crazy and make sure your family isn’t lacking anything.
Oh and something else,
if you treat her like your personal servant, expect her to do everything in the
house, have your dinner on the table on time and all that -you’re not encouraging her to be a
dominant, especially if you only want her to be dominant when and however it
suits you. Think about that one before you claim the next time that you’re wife
is just boring vanilla!
Btw here is a pretty good video, though it must be a bit old or quite a bit away from Central London, £150 an hour doesn't seem to be realistic for London, especially for the outrageous rents there.
I recently had this
conversation with KKB, or “Her Majesty’s Plaything” as he’s known on Blogger,
I’m not sure how it came about, I think we were talking about very young pro
dommes and that it seems to be unfair to expect somebody who’s barely 18 to
call all the shots and make wise choices… I mentioned that I usually get a bit
creeped out when middle aged guys have this thing for barely legal girls, I
always want to yell “Give them a chance to find their own sexuality first!” Oh
and then we talked about how much more fun “older guys” are.
There really is
something special about a guy who comes to a dungeon and knows what he likes,
especially if he’s also a bit of a masochist. It’s not just all the actions,
it’s also the fun of talking with somebody who has lived a bit and is
interesting to talk to.
Anyway, most of the
stuff I learned I didn’t learn from other dommes but actually from clients,
there really is no better teacher than an experienced bottom. I first thought
when I was telling some guys that I don’t feel ready to do certain things, that
it would turn them off, but some of them were actually really cool with it and
we sort of bartered. They showed me how to do some things and of course I
didn’t charge them for teaching me. Usually worked out that they booked an hour
and we did 90 minutes and I covered the rest of the dungeon rent myself. Seemed
only fair.
I think some of them
were grooming me to be their domme, and yeah, worked for both sides, I learned
a lot and they enjoyed teaching me the basics and then letting me expand on it.
I found those relationships just really really great. Another thing I look back
at fondly… The excitement of learning new things and all that. I hope that
doesn’t sound like I know it all, because that I definitely do not, but I
sometimes wish I could revisit learning something completely new with the same
zest and anticipation, but to be honest, while BDSM is and always was a part of
my life, it’s just not that important anymore. I’m just not the kid in the
sweetshop anymore who wants to try almost everything… On the other hand, while
it’s a lot less, it’s also much more exciting, sort of a treat from time to
time. I must have grown up while I wasn’t looking ;)
But I found a really cool video I enjoyed, nothing too raunchy, just BDSM through the history...
Well how to have the
perfect session is one of the questions that gets asked frequently, and to be
honest, I can’t give you any guarantees, nobody can. It does help if you
communicate clearly what you are looking for, do your research and keep a clear
head, and be aware that there is a difference between fantasy and reality. In
your fantasy something might be really really exciting, in reality the pain or
whatever activity was so exciting in your fantasy, simply might not turn you on
I know it can be
taunting and actually quite embarrassing to phrase what you want, your doubts
and your insecurities, but trust me, most dommes have heard it all. What’s
better, being embarrassed for 5 minutes or spending 2 or 300 bucks for a
session that didn’t quite turn out as you planned because you didn’t tell her?
Sessions really depend
so much on chemistry, I always find it so funny if people ask me what my all
time favourite activity is, I honestly can’t tell you, because it depends so
much on the person I play with. Something that has me more or less salivating
with somebody, it can leave me completely cold with somebody else.
So when it comes to
booking sessions, I would seriously recommend to look for somebody who has
similar interests, but even more than that, somebody you have a vibe with.Looks have a lot to do with it, but
don’t get hung up on looks, model looks don’t automatically mean a great
session, as long as you are attracted to the domme, that’s really all it takes.
Over the years, I have
seen some really stunning women, of course guys will flock to them first, but
more than once the same guys came out of a session with a long face. All too
often they just relied on their looks. That’s not to say that every gorgeous
domme doesn’t know what she is doing, some are amazing, but you have to talk to
them, find out about them and if they’d be right for you. Does she listen to
what you are looking for and actually talk to you, asks questions and makes
sure she understands it?
Seeing a domme is a
bit like going to a restaurant, if you don’t like rice, best avoid Asian
restaurants, if you don’t like it spicy, Mexican is possibly out…You do your research and you are trying
to find a dish that you will like. It’s really not so different.
Or imagine buying a
suit or shoes, one pair might look great but they just don’t fit right…
Talk to a few dommes,
get a feel for them, you don’t have to waste their time but you can have
interactions with them. Trust your gut feeling, but remember, it’s a session,
it’s really not a life-partner. And also bear in mind that your fantasies are
almost always a lot better, fantasies don’t hurt, everything happens just like
you want it to happen. Unless you find a domme who’s also a mind reader, it’s
not very likely that it will happen in session just as perfect as in your
fantasy. Try and be open minded and get her input, she might have some ideas
herself… In case she doesn’t, well, do you want to spend money on somebody who
doesn’t even want to give you input?
The sad reality is
there really is no guarantee for a stellar session, but you can do your part to
minimize the risk a bit. Also if you are not too hung up on your fantasy and
open minded about letting the domme work within a range, you might do a lot
better if you’re open minded and you don’t want your fantasy replicated in real
life, that’s almost always a recipe for disaster. Even if you have experience
and you’re looking for another domme, take each woman as a new experience and
not a replacement for the previous domme, you get much more out of it this way!
Basically getting a
good session is a bit of a gamble, most of the sessions where guys claimed they
were stellar (apart from the usual BS when they are still flying high on endorphins
and you have to take it with a grain of salt anyway), looking back, from just
the activities they weren’t all that stellar or outrageous, we just happened to
have fairly good chemistry, which often really makes all the difference.
Sorry, I’m a bit down
today, got to do with the date and losing some friends 11 years ago, I rather
not dwell on it so I’m having a rant about an email I got from a “worthless
worm not worthy, blah blah blah”
Seriously, why would
any domme worth her salt want a worthless worm? I mean if there are men with
self-respect, intelligence, brains, manners and all that willing to sub and
play, why on earth would I pick somebody who likens himself to a rather
disgusting decomposer? Nothing against worms, real ones, they do serve a
purpose, a guy claiming he’s a worthless worm serves no purpose, he’s simply
disgusting and to be honest a bit of an insult. What he’s saying is that I
can’t do better, well, sorry about that, but I think I can!
I get the humiliation
aspect, though I have to admit it’s not one of my great preferences, but
seriously, if you’re into degradation, shouldn’t I degrade you, calling
yourself a worthless worm is a little bit of DIY degradation, so where’s the
point?
This whole “worthless”
spiel also makes me think of somebody who’s mentally retarded or simply not
well grounded in life, those are seriously not people I want to have close and
personal interactions with. Sorry, I had my fair share of crazy stalkers and
psychopaths, I’m trying to avoid them actively, so a message that basically has
“CRAZY” blinking in red letters all over, just ain’t going to happen, duckie! I
just don’t feel suicidal enough to even entertain the idea of meeting up with
you…
I said it before and I
say it again, BDSM is a sport for grown ups, I want to play with somebody who’s
grown up, somebody who’s aware of the risks and takes them willingly because
let’s face it, SSC is a myth, there is nothing safe or sane about what we do,
all we can hope for is being risk aware.
And call me a pervert
(nothing wrong with that), but it’s just so much more fun to play with somebody
who’s intelligent and clued up, who does it willingly and not out of
desperation, who does it for ME, because he considers me worthy, not because he
thinks he’s unworthy. Somebody I can be depraved with, somebody who enjoys
things that would have your average guy call the cops or at least a shrink, and
we’re both enjoying ourselves. And after we’ve done all of that, there is still
the respect for each other as intelligent human beings. And we can sit down,
have a glass of wine and discuss the world – as equals. Talk about something
that’s really mind blowing!
Have you ever fallen
in love with a professional domme? Happens, unfortunately quite frequently and
you know what I am going to tell you, right? Get a reality check.
Let’s assume for a
moment that it’s going to work out and she feels the same way you do, and
you’re both single, it does happen, though not very often, what then? You think
it’s really cool and for a while you might be deliriously happy, but then
reality sets in.
All those kinky things
you really like, she’ll possibly will still be doing them with others and
unless you are one of the very rare guys that aren’t jealous, it’s going to
cause some friction. First you’ll feel a bit odd about it, but over time
resentment will build up and all too often you’re going to clash and have
arguments….
I know, all the cool
clothes, tools and all that, and you got free access to it, and a fetish
delivery system – sorry, dominant girlfriend – on top of that. Sounds great,
but hey, maybe she is a bit tired when she comes back from work, maybe she just
wants to have a foot rub? You know she spent the whole day in those cool boots
that just aren’t comfortable, those really nice corsets, I love them but they
really aren’t all that comfortable… I think most BDSM clothes look really great
and hot and I do love wearing them, but they JUST AREN’T COMFORTABLE! So
running around the house in it, not really. A day in the dungeon and you’re
actually really happy to put the fuzzy slippers on, and something that’s comfy.
Oh you want to play now? But I’m just a bit
tired, I just want to flop out on the sofa and please, how about that foot rub?
You’re not into feet if they’re not in boots or high heels… Oh dear…
Another day, we’re
both in the mood to play and I got some new tricks and I’m going to do some
really cool things to you. What do you
mean? Where did I learn them? In the dungeon of course. Who was the guy? A
client… Why are you pulling a face? Why do you have to ruin the mood? You do
know what I do…
Yet another day or
week, I’m so looking forward to coming home, and wow, we’re going to have some
fun. Why do you need to know why I am
aroused all of a sudden? What happened, what have I done, who have I met? Why
are you so grumpy? Look, let’s not talk about all this, the mood is ruined now
anyway, let’s watch some TV….
I know I’m a kill joy,
but seen it happening frequently and it never really works out long term. To be
honest, I can’t even blame the guys, it must be really difficult if you know
that your gf is doing all those things you like with other guys. Oddly enough
often guys who aren’t submissive have less of a problem with it, because it’s
stuff they don’t want to have done to them. If you’re into it, sooner or later
you’re just going to ask yourself what she’s doing, if she might enjoy it more
with somebody else. You think that you met her as a client, so maybe she will
meet somebody else… It may work in the first honeymoon phase, but once reality
and jealousy sets in, the sparks are going to fly and not in a good way. Or resentment
sets in festers, which is even worse…
Then of course there
are those who are in relationships and the bloom might be off a bit, the wife
might not scratch the kinky urges and all of a sudden there is an attractive
female who does. Quite natural to think that a life like that would be bliss…
Reality check:
Divorces are messy, would you really leave the partner you have spent years
with and build a life together with and risk it all? Even if the domme is
willing to make a start with you – see above. Could you really cope with it?
REALLY?
How about us? You think we are going to trust a guy who leaves his partner for us? Chances are he's going to leave us too if something more tempting comes along.
There’s nothing wrong
with having a mild crush on the woman you session with, it makes it more
exciting, but you are doing everybody a favour if you do reality checks from
time to time and you don’t let it get out of hand.
In case you’re going
overboard and she has a shred of morals, she’ll give you a talk and will try to
discourage you. While it might be flattering that a guy falls in love with you,
it’s also a bit uncomfortable. Somebody has feelings for you you just don’t and
can’t return. It’s really icky. Talk about walking on egg shells!You’d like to do something, but you
double check with yourself if he might not misunderstand it. Woah, talk about
stress and feeling uneasy.
It’s a bit like that
guy in high school who was crushing on you and you were in the same group, but
you just weren’t interested and you tried to avoid him or just be normal and
friendly to him.
From a business point
of view it’s even worse, if the guy doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll be angry
and disillusioned. Best thing that’s going to happen is that you have a
disgruntled client who’ll bitch about you, possibly going on about “leading him
on” (even if he really didn’t take the hints), or if he’s a complete idiot,
he’s going to cause trouble, if he’s mentally unstable he might stalk you.
I hear a lot about
guys who complain that they were led on, yes, some dommes will, being a domme
doesn’t make everybody into a nice moral being, hey, being a kinkster doesn’t
turn everybody into a nice person, get with the program! I hear all about your
vulnerability as a submissive, but let me put the breaks on for a moment. Being
a submissive doesn’t mean you turn all of a sudden into a brainless and
spineless creature. You are having a sexual preference, it’s just that, a
sexual preference, it’s not a brain tumour or free pass to stop using your
brain and good judgement! As a grown up, you learned – or should have learned
during puberty – to not think with your lower regions. You’re a grown up, act
like one. Your sexual preference doesn’t influence your work life, does it? It
doesn’t stop you from hanging out with friends and enjoying yourself, if you
are having an abusive friend, you’d get rid of him or her.
In case you are
perfectly capable of leading a normal life outside of the dungeon, don’t leave
your brain outside once you enter a dungeon. BDSM is a sport for grown ups, act
like one. Have frequent reality checks. If you’re applying for a job, you check
the company, you don’t just hear what you want to hear, if you’re employing an
electrician or a plumber, you also listen to what they say and do a reality
check. In case they promise you to turn your fish tank into a combines
TV/microwave – you’d tell them to take a hike. If a female insurance sales person
flirts with you to get you to sign an insurance you don’t need, you decline.
Let me repeat
something: You are going to a PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX (hint: the clue is in
professional), you are paying a few hundred bucks to get you kinky needs met.
Doesn’t mean there can’t be a friendship outside those sessions, but you aren’t
having the most meaningful relationship ever just because you pay to session
with her. Friendships are mutual things.
Now if you want to
know if it is a real friendship or just a “business friendship lite” ask
yourself, would she still be in contact with you if you weren’t a client? If
the answer is yes, then you are really friends, enjoy. If the answer is no,
then you’re having a casual friendship with somebody you also like on a
professional basis. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s UP TO YOU to do that
reality check. Don’t put the responsibility on the domme.
Now in case a domme
does play with your feelings, it’s not very ethical, yes, but on the other
hand, shouldn’t you have thought about a bunch of things yourself and taken
responsibility for your own actions? You know, waited until you haven’t got a
hard-on anymore and can use your brain and then asked yourself a few questions,
namely why somebody half your age would spend time with you… Again, you might
find a hint in the word professional.
Now before you tell me
that I’m all negative against pro dommes, I am not! Trust me, I do know how
much it costs to have equipment, fetish clothes and all that, it’s an
investment. Learning how to do it takes time. It’s not easy money, you have to
like what you are doing or else it really fucks you up, heck, it sometimes even
fucks you up if you like it because you aren’t always dealing with well
adjusted people.
The thing is, because
you had a mind blowing hour in the dungeon, it doesn’t mean you own a piece of
our ass, it doesn’t mean we are responsible for your feelings. You came out of
your own free will because you wanted to purchase that hour, and you possibly
feel a lot better once you got those desires out of your system. We’re not
therapists, if it feels therapeutic for you, GREAT! But please, do not make the
pro domme responsible for your whole life, your feelings and what you decide to
do with your life. If that would be an option, we’d offer monthly or yearly
contracts, not play by the hour!
Sorry for the long
rant, but just got off the phone, a friend of mine (yep, a pro domme) just told
me that one of her clients decided to tell her that he left the wife and wants
to live with her happy ever after. From what she told me, and knowing her quite
well, entirely believable, they sessioned twice a month. Sometimes sat down for
a chat or a coffee, he knows she’s married and there was never any talk about
it being more than a professional relationship and a bit of friendly chitchat
about work, his hobbies and vacations. She actually thought he was well
grounded but apparently midlife crisis got the better of him!
I was thinking back
and being a bit melancholy, remembering the fun times in sessions, even if they
weren’t that funny at the time being, some of the experiences I just wouldn’t
like to miss ;)
One of my favourite
memories is the guy who was well into his 80’s, now not that this was so
outrageous, quite a few older guys who were into BDSM, but he was really
special. He wanted to be a bride and he had the most gorgeous wedding dress and
bridal lingerie, everything. Like clockwork he would show up once a month and
book 2 hours, it took at least 30 minutes to get him into his finery, lace him
up in the white corset, then put the dress on, then the wig, the veil… You get
the idea…
The rest of the time I
spent playing mother of the bride and telling him (the bride) about the “facts
of life” and that it won’t be pleasant but it’s needed to please the husband
and have kids.
Sounds really boring
but it wasn’t, he so got into his role and started to cry, he panicked at the
thought of sex and losing “her” virginity. I really started to grow to like him
and looked forward to seeing him again. He never talked much, thanked me after
every session and left. It was strange, despite no "real" BDSM activities happening, it always got so intense, and I almost felt like the mother of the bride...
Then there was the guy
who annoyed the hell out of us, kept on calling the dungeon, telling us we’re
not hard enough for him. In the end we offered him a free session just to lure
him in. I had some fun with that, sometimes a good mindfuck is just what is
needed ;) So I found a clothes iron, heated it up but hid it, and a package of
frozen fish fingers.
When he came, we put him face down on the rack, before he
got the blindfold on, I spat on my finger and checked the iron, it sizzled
nicely. When he was blindfolded and gagged (and of course secured safely on the
rack), I told him he will get a big brand as a reminder, before we start
sessioning “for real”. He started to flap like a fish out of water, I grabbed
the frozen package of fish fingers and just pressed them on his back. Hot or
cold – feels the same for the first few moments, the nerves can’t tell the
difference. Despite the gag, he almost screamed the place down. Had to untie
him and let him go, because in his fear he had peed all over the rack. Wasn’t
nice to clean up but hey, at least he never ever called again…
Another classic was
the guy who insisted on a bull whipping, vehemently against any kind of warm
up, I had to actually negotiate that I would be allowed to warm him up, I think
I told him I wouldn’t take the session otherwise. He was seriously pissed off
with that but grudgingly agreed, kept on telling me he’s so experienced and I
seem to be an amateur, and safe word, he won’t need it, it’s all bullshit and
only for wusses. So once I had him secured on the cross, I started with a warm
up, he did scream a hell lot for such a hard dude. I thought the whole “Stop,
ouch, stop” was just part of his game, you know the “forced” stuff or to make
it more real for him and got a paddle, screaming got louder, I still thought
it’s part of his act, I mean he was so insistent on no warm up and all that and
his experience.
Next I grabbed a
flogger and after a few not even hard strokes he seemed to be close to a
collapse. I decided to check with him and step out of costume for a while,
because by then tears were screaming down his face.
He told me he couldn’t
take it anymore and it is really far too painful. I was really puzzled and said
that we were still doing the warm up and he had mentioned his experiences and
that he had it done plenty of times before.
To cut a long story
short, it turned out that he had watched an OWK video (I am dating myself here)
several times, and it didn’t really look so painful…
I bet my face didn’t
look very smart when my brain digested that information, a real DUH moment…
Maybe I should do a
little blog entry about session bloppers…
A comment made me
realize that maybe my blog makes guys feel uneasy, well, to be honest, I did
warn you right at the beginning that you wouldn’t like it and that I’d bust
some myths…
Actually the blog is
nothing against clients, if I’m honest, the majority of clients was fine and a
delight. As crazy as it sounds, I met life-long friends through sessions,
people I’m still in touch with and I still spend time with. Not on a D/s basis,
but simply as friends. People I can call up if I want to talk about something
completely unrelated, I can use them as sounding boards and they usually give
me good advise – and of course they can call me anytime and frequently do.
We’re simply friends, like lots of other people, a sexual orientation is just
that, doesn’t really change your personality
Some of the smartest
and most open minded people I’ve ever met are into BDSM, be they masochists,
fetishists or submissives. What apart from the fact that they’re into BDSM and
we share a common interest, makes them friends? Pretty simple, that’s not the
only interest we share, and there is chemistry. A common interest in BDSM is
not enough, come on, how many people share a hobby with you but that’s the only
thing you have in common, doesn’t automatically qualify them as friends.
Friendships happen in
a lot of different places, but they require work from both sides. I made
friends in the weirdest places, once at the dentist, seriously, a guy who was
even more scared than me and I tried to calm him down. He waited until I was
finished and asked me if he could buy me a drink as a thank you. He didn’t try
to pick me up, he was just nice, and trust me, women have a radar for that.
In case you don’t
strike up a friendship with your domme, don’t be disappointed, there can be a
lot of reasons for that. For one, you guys are the ones who always want their
privacy respected, you head off home and that’s it for us, let’s face it, most
of you guys aren’t at liberty to strike up a friendship because you’re in a
relationship already.
For a lot of dommes
it’s simply self-preservation to keep their distance, you guys often wander on
to the next domme, we don’t even hear what has happened to you. Then some guys
just freak out and become stalkers, endangering our private lives and often our
work situation. Place yourself in our shoes, what on earth would you do?
The best thing you can
do is enjoy a session for what it is and then back to real life, in case you
get on with your domme and a friendship develops, great, enjoy, if not, don’t
sweat it, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you or that you’re a bad
person, it just means that she has a life outside of domming and you don’t fit
into that life and she wants to keep her normal life separate from her BDSM
life. Pretty much like the majority of clients do.
So guys, don’t feel
bad about being clients, you go and see a pro domme to get an urge scratched,
that’s a hell lot better than pretending that you don’t have the urge and being
miserable and lashing out to everybody who does (a bit like the closet queers
are the biggest gay bashers). Just do a reality check from time to time. Keep
pro domination where it belongs to, in the dungeon. Trust me, everybody is much
happier this way.
I’m not claiming that
I know it all, I can only tell you what worked for me, and outside of the
dungeon was outside of the dungeon. The friends I made were just that outside
of the BDSM environment, friends, people I sat down with, went for a drink
with, discussed problems and all that. It’s a give and take, it doesn’t work
with everybody, if it works, enjoy, if not, trying to force it is definitely
not going to work!
