Tired...

Had a week and then some, really really busy and just watched an old Stones documentary on the BBC, laughed my ass off when old Keiff said "I never had a problem with the drugs, I only had a problem with the cops"

Anyway, they played a few bars of Salt of the Earth, I do love that song and I'm going to inflict it on you guys...

Heck, one can't help but really like Keiff, never liked Jagger and his strutting around all that much (great voice though)

Anyway, if you are looking for a good read for the holidays and you haven't read it yet, get yourself Life, his autobiography, got it some years back when it came out (2 or 3 years ago I think, around my stalker being active) and it's a fantastic read and really entertaining!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Keith-Richards/dp/0753826615




I'd really be hard pressed to decide if Keiffer or Pete Townshend's my fave guitarist, of course there are a ton of other great guitarists, Slash, Nigel Pulsford and a few others come to mind. Of course there is also Jimmy Page, but I can't forget the damned re-union gig, those endless freaking solos just annoyed the hell out of me. Well, at least I knew a few Led Zep songs (though they would benefit from less guitar wanking, we know you can play, get on with the fucking song, please) unlike Aunty...

Force me...

It's one of my old pet peeves, really, this whole forced thing, if you desire something and especially in professional BDSM, there isn't anything really "forced" and that's great because otherwise it would simply be abuse. It's a popular theme in BDSM porn, but in BDSM porn the women are also often men hating freaks, which is quite different to somebody who has a loving relationship with a submissive!
You're requesting something and your fantasy is being forced to do it, it doesn't mean it's really forced!

I can understand that a submissive will want to do something for  his or her dominant that they don't enjoy but they know the dominant enjoys, that's a different issue because it's not forced, it comes from the desire to serve.

There are so many myths surrounding BDSM and one of the biggest is that BDSM is all about hurting people and forcing them to do things they don't want to do...
Well, if that would be true, then why on earth would clients actually PAY for it? Why would everybody stress consensual so much? Why would there be safewords?

There is a huge difference between BDSM and abuse!

Playfully forcing somebody - in a consensual non-consensual way - is a lot of fun, I guess it's something we've all experienced, somebody screaming NO NO NO but meaning YES YES YES, hey fun, we all got the safe word in case it's not fun anymore and so the dominant partner knows when to stop without breaking the illusion of force, yes, it's a fantasy game that is really really hot!

One thing that irks me without end is the molly coddling of subs and telling them that oh it's OK and that they were really forced. What's that about? Are there some dominant women who are really so freaking insecure that they need to suck up to every guys fantasy just for a bit of approval?

A lot of the blogs strike me as people who only dream about BDSM and are terrified to offend somebody, yet trying to stylize themselves as some sort of online BDSM authorities without ever having had a BDSM relationship. I just don't really get the reason behind it, if you want to have a relationship, get out, meet people and check out if you have the right chemistry.

There is no right and wrong way to do BDSM (apart from safety aspects, but that's pretty much common sense), if the people involved are happy, that's it, what anybody else thinks about your relationship or if you are doing it right or wrong shouldn't matter. Heaven knows that my relationship would be far too vanilla for most people and it really doesn't bug me one bit, we're both quite happy with the way it goes, so some internet stranger thinking we're not doing it right - yeah, that's going to phase me about as much as the proverbial bike in China.

A lot of the information on the internet and in BDSM porn is really confusing, there is a lot of day dreaming and there are tons of fantasy stories about what BDSM is. Of course it's more exciting if you make it out it's some dark and scary place, it will add to the mood, but in a relationship it can't come from a dark and forbidden place because the essential thing that you need is trust.
In BDSM porn the bitchy, man-hating domme is a thing that keeps reoccurring, but that's a fantasy, a BDSM relationship can only work if there is a feeling of mutual trust.

One thing that really gets me about some so called "Femdom" blogs is that they seem so desperate, basically anything the sub wants is OK, and he has to be applauded and coddled and told how much it is his right, how wonderful that he opens up and demands those things... I often think "Woman, get a foster child if you don't have one of your own".

This whole turning the submissive into some spoiled little brat and essentially bending over backwards to try and keep the illusion that he found a dominant woman (who is going to serve him and reinforce his expectations) is about as ridiculous as the whole femdom porn fantasy of the always leather/latex clad domme who hates men and will force them. It tends to reek of desperation, heck I like men, submissive or kinky, I like them as MEN, not children who need guidance. In short I want a willing partner in crime, not somebody I have to cajole and convince, stroke his ego all the time and basically serve him while desperately pretending I am his dominant.

Unless you are having a strictly professional relationship and not a relationship with some BDSM elements, the fantasy warrior idea won't fly. Essentially you have a partner and HOW the power exchange takes place and WHEN is up to you. The dominant doesn't automatically turn into a parent substitute, of course there is always age play but that is only one spectrum of BDSM.

Let me repeat, BDSM is all about consent, that means that you can withdraw your consent at any time in case it makes you feel uncomfy or you feel you're pushed to far, dominants don't tend to be interested in turning you into mindless drones, most BDSM relationships are actually very LOVING relationships, just with a bit of kink thrown in, often with power exchange in various ways, sometimes with a bit of pain, but there is no law that says pain is essential to a BDSM relationship, a lot of people have relationships of every kind, also BDSM relationships without pain!

To sex things up...

Just by chance I ran across a little youtube video, nothing dramatic, but while I was in Austria I used the chance to visit the Wolford factory (yes, spent far too much money there...) and for all the guys who complain that their wife is not interested in sex anymore, when was the last time you gave her a reason to feel sexy?

Home sweet home

Back home and lots of peppermint tea. Somebody slap me silly in case I eat shellfish in a less than stellar restaurant ever again...

Got to love food poisoning...

I'm in one of the nicest areas of Austria, it's wonderful, snow, Christmas markets everywhere with the smell of delicious food and hot mulled wine but since I still haven't got rid of my food poisoning, I'm on bland rice and peppermint tea...

Torture, delicious smells everywhere and I can look forward to my bowl of rice, I guess I will need to take my frustration out on somebody once I am back...

Love the snow

But I really really hate the dry air in hotels, opened the windows and all, steamed up the room with a shower, wet towels over the heating, still, woke up with my eyes swollen...

From there on it went worse - food poisoning.... A rather effective diet, but seriously nothing to recommend for weight loss....

Let me moan

And not in a kinky way, flying with an ear and sinus infection is a pain, really a pain, went into a chemist at the airport and got sinupret and feel a hell lot better (though quite snotty), getting up at 4 am is not fun, going through security what a freaking pain in the ass, airports are just a hassle now, especially idiots in front of you who have money in their pockets, or pocket knives and then try to argue, holding up a long line... 2 hours checking in for a 1 hour flight... yay...

I do like the hotel though, really cool an old office building from the Art Deco period with a real paternoster or alternatively a lift, I like the paternoster... In the middle of the room is a glass cage which is the shower, LOL, I think it might be fun for some guys to order a lady of the night in and watch her showering, better than pole dancing ;)

Anyway, after 10 hours of meetings (try to concentrate with a killer sinus headache) I think I just kick back and watch some German TV, should be fun... Outside everything covered with snow and shops open until 10 pm - I best lock myself in for another 2 hours, I am near the main shopping district and I don't want to risk a nuclear credit card melt down ;)

Discard the socks on the floor... but yeah, that is the view from the bed... Really a strange set up, but wow, the shower is powerful and great...

Blogger and the break...

Preparing to go on a business trip for a few days and then visiting friends and family, so right now not only wrestling with Power Point presentations (the bane of my life, I just HATE it) but also checking that all my business suits are pressed and well packed.

So I'll be having a week all over Europe, giving up 2 weekends for work and crossing a bunch of borders, seriously, within Europe not a big deal but flying is such a pain in the neck...

To make things even better, sinusitis and a middle ear infection, oh hooray, I so do not look forward to tomorrow morning, especially not since I have to get up at 4 am (aka stupid o'clock).

Oh well, at least I could let off some steam... Might be checking in at odd times from a hotel room...

BDSM and a spouse

Whenever BDSM comes up and somebody is sneaking around the wife, a lot of people raise the finger and point out how dishonest it was to get involved, knowing your spouse doesn't share it...

To be honest, yes, it would be better if you would have thought about it before you got involved, but let's face it, we don't have much of a choice who we fall in love with and maybe you really thought those desires and urges would go away, or maybe they weren't quite as prominent as they are now. I'm not giving you a free pass for cheating on your spouse, but if you insisting on it would mess up the relationship, then by all means rather than force your wife or girlfriend to do something she'd hate, take it outside and then your best option is a pro domme.

The problem a lot of people have is talking to their other half and explaining, it's a bit easier for women, with submissive guys the main worry the woman will have is if you aren't going to change. There are a lot of rumours about and a lot of misconceptions about BDSM and her hearing that you have submissive feelings, she is bound to worry how the whole relationship will change. It's your job to reassure her that you are not planning to change the whole relationship (and in case you do and she doesn't want that, do what's right and let her go - long term you are both going to be unhappy), that you aren't expecting her to lead you around on a leash day in day out or keep you in a cage under the bed.

Proceed with caution is all I can say, and think how you bring it up, might be a good idea to share a bottle of wine and watch a movie that is a little bit kinky to bring it up, or talk about music, BDSM images are in most music videos, a great opening to mention something innocent like "Have you ever experimented with BDSM?"
In case she denies it and wonders why you ask: "The clothes are so hot and I thought about it a few times, as long as it's not too extreme..."

Don't shock her away with your wildest desires, give her time to get used to it. Also have a few things at hand, that maybe blindfolds or tying somebody to the bed is already a mild form of BDSM, now who hasn't done that at least once, it will look less scary to her ;)

Always make sure she understands that you want to try it with HER, you trust her, you feel comfortable enough with her... No woman wants to get the feeling that she's just a fetish delivery system, so tell her she would look great in boots, how much it turns you on to see her in them, how much more it would turn you on to see her just in boots...

Once you made her curious and she's willing to experiment a bit with you, again go slow, and after each experiment, be super super attentive and loving (flowers, doing something she wants to do, cuddles, etc.), yes in a way you do condition her to see kink as something very rewarding, something positive... She might even take advantage of it and initiate kinky things more often.

You should also ask what her boundaries are, what she can imagine, what would turn her on, and while I don't think you should get her mindlessly drunk (dangerous and how much fun is it if somebody has to interrupt to run and vomit...) if a glass of wine or a glass of champagne just makes her a bit more relaxed, go for it.

For a lot of people it's super helpful if they're doing some kind of role play, you might even go to a hotel first to play there, pretend that she picks you up at the bar or something like that. A lot of times it will make it easier for her, she can just pretend to be somebody else, it might even turn her own...

Also make sure that she knows everything is consensual and that she can stop at any point, use the simple traffic light code:

Green: Everything is fine
Yellow: Careful
Red: Stop straight away

What's really important is that you shouldn't expect that it will work from today to tomorrow, give her time, don't push too far and don't stop being her partner otherwise, unless she indicates that she wants to take more control. Give her enough time to get used to something and get comfortable with it before you push further.

You know there is an excellent book you should consider getting for you and your girlfriend/wife:

When Someone You Love Is Kinky

BDSM Checklist

As I mentioned before, you should know your limits.

It's easy to say you don't have any limits if you have also no experience and everything seems to be so new and exciting, it's also very easy to say you have no limits when everything you've seen is BDSM porn and again, everything was very exciting and arousing, on screen not a lot of things hurt. Tell you what, in your fantasies you can take a lot of pain and it's arousing, also your knees don't hurt, you don't get pins and needles from bondage, kneeling too long oh and your endurance like your erection is endless ;)

Use a bit of common sense and have a little list ready, it helps if you find a dominant and you know what you like and what is an absolute no go. I've said it countless times but it bears repeating, dominants are not mind readers, it's your job as a sub to communicate your limits. It's a little bit like going to dinner, if you don't tell the cook that you have food allergies, they can't avoid using things that you are allergic to.

Pretty often a sub doesn't mention anything and later on it was the bad dominant who violated limits, might work once, might even work twice, but then word gets around and nobody will want to play with you anymore because you look like a professional victim instead of a fun play partner. In case the dominant knows your limit, he or she can work around them, or you can both decide in advance that you're not too well suited.

Here are a few pointers, and I suggest you make a list with all those things and write Yes / No / Maybe.
Don't worry about too many Nos, things will change and what you couldn't ever have imagined at the beginning of your journey might at one point become a maybe, or at a later point even a strong interest and it might end up as a yes, some hard limits will always be the same, and some you should actually have, because self-preservation is quite important.

Just for "shit and giggles" it might actually worth to keep the check list you have now and compare it to another check list further down the line, say in a year or two - in a lot of cases it will look really really different.

I really can't list up everything here, and I think there are more than enough BDSM checklists floating around on the internet, I found one that is quite comprehensive and printable:

Printable BDSM Checklist

The line is really comprehensive and a lot of things are in there and if it's already there, why do another one? So what I'm trying to do here is just give you something to think about and a rough idea what you have to consider.

Most of us have some triggers, some phobias, something that makes us freak out, even stuff that goes back to our childhood. It's really important to let a dominant know, because a submissive having a panic attack is a real mood killer and can be quite dangerous, also mention allergies, especially if it's something that might be part of the play (for example if you have a latex allergy).

So think about what you really fear, are you claustrophobic? In that case, you should mention that before somebody attempts to put you into a cage, if you're an asthmatic maybe you shouldn't indulge in breath play, if you're having heart problems, don't do electrical play...

• Are there some triggers that will bring back bad childhood memories? Some people can't have their faces slapped, others freak out at a beating with a belt, verbal humiliation
• Claustrophobia or panic when being tied up
• Do you panic when you are gagged (breathing problems)
• Do you panic is somebody puts a hood on you - if so mention it
• Anxiety issues
• Playing publicly an issue (job, marriage, just feeling scared...)

• Medical issues  (allergies, heart problems, asthma, diabetic, problems with the knees or back )
• Are you on any medication
• Areas where you just can't stand to be touched
• Marks - where can you have them and how long can they last?
• Blood play and unprotected sex - until you do know your dominant really well and have a good idea about how safe they are and how much attention they put on hygiene, responsibility and sterilization, I would suggest you give that a miss. It might be sexy as hell, but what you can catch is everything but sexy...
• In case you don't want any interaction with other men, say that in advance.
• It's not very likely that somebody will spring urine and feces on you out of the blue, but in case one or both gross you out, it's worth mentioning it!

Again, in case I have forgotten something important, please let me know, this is not a complete list, just a few things to give you pointers and start to make you think about issues you might not have considered.

You also have to be quite honest with yourself about how much time can you really devote to your chosen life-style and be realistic in your expectations. If you fantasize about being submissive but once you've ejaculated it's all gone - maybe you want to think about the whole life-style thing again and stick to pros. Because most dommes won't take too kindly to you pronouncing that you are submissive and losing all interest immediately after your release, it would be a hell lot better if you are open and say you're sexually submissive or just plain kinky. Trust me, nothing wrong with just plain kinky ;)

Need

Sorry about the picture not being very clear, let me copy and paste:

Donations Needed       11/28/12 06:54 AM

Edit   Reply

I have a friend in great need, in the throws of being evicted and losing her child because of it. I have given as much as I can, but 1000 more is needed. If you have it in your heart please donate to my account paypal@fyredanzer.com

Even 10 dollars would help.
I hope my past integrity with others here, shines in this horrible time for Tabitha.

Thank you all.

Madame Ginger

Scary Fun Domme~ 


I know Ginger very well (in fact I once shared her place and we lived together - got sick as a dog and she looked after me, she IS a great person) and I can assure you of her integrity, I have no doubt she wouldn't ask if it wouldn't be very important.

I have sent a bit of money and if you only have $5 or $10, it might really really help somebody who needs it more, not asking anybody to send more than they can comfortably afford (that cup of coffee you're skipping for that, if a bunch of people skip it, it might make the change of somebody keeping their place and keeping the child).

Guys, I know I have no right to ask for anything and I am not, I'm aware I can't change the world, but together we possibly can make it a nicer place for somebody. So if you think you can afford skipping that chocolate bar or that cup of coffee and giving it to somebody, I would honestly appreciate it. 

BDSM Clubs - connect with Dommes

I said a lot about it before and I'm going to link to some blog entries I made before so I don't need to repeat myself (and bore you to tears)

It's a difficult subject, I know and meeting somebody is not easy, my first advise would be to be yourself and really meet people at munches.
In case you are online and you try to talk to people, here are some traps to avoid when contacting a domme
You can be respectful and polite without turning into a sniffeling worm, and dommes tend to be not too attracted to guys who present themselves as worthless worms

In case you just discovered BDSM, you might be really overwhelmed and want to tell everybody about it but I'd advise you to think it through before you out yourself, once you're out of the closet, you can't go back in.
Also have reasonable expectations, don't get confused by labels and don't think everything is like in books or porn, don't expect to be coddled, you're looking for a domme and not a surrogate mom

In case it's just the occasional urge and you're happy with seeing a pro domme from time to time, go with that but do not fall into the trap of thinking it's a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship...
Don't fall in love with a Pro-Domme

So if you book a session, let her know what you want and respect her boundaries and don't get hung up on what to wear and keep your expectations in check, a perfect session requires not just a good domme but also a good chemistry. At one point we were all new to BDSM, but even if you're not, check this out it might make things easier for you and the domme!

Meeting a pro domme is not difficult, you find one who appeals to you and you contact her, after you read her website and after you checked out how to avoid putting your foot in!

Now meeting life-style dommes might be a bit more difficult, but you HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, most dommes are really not computer warriors who want to play cyber games, if you want to do that, do us all a favour and go to Niteflirt or another site, it's work and those women should be compensated for it. Basically you are not looking for a real relationship, you are looking for somebody who's wank fodder for you - there are plenty of free sites out there, if you can't find what you are looking for on the internet and you need to bug somebody, sorry buster, pay for it. No woman owes you to be a fetish delivery system for free!

So once you finally dared to venture out and go to some munches or parties, I gave you a few hints how to behave, in short, the same way you would behave if you would be around people who aren't kinky, just be polite and respectful.
It can't be said often enough: Dommes are women first and we want to be treated like women, not fetish delivery systems!
In short if you don't appeal to us as a woman first, you won't appeal to us as as dommes, so work on the charms and be polite without being a sniffeling menace who bugs us!

Let me make you a list:

1. Be polite and charming, behave like a gentleman!
2. Conversation is important! In case you don't have anything to say, think about a few themes that might interest women too, you might be passionate about your stamp or coin collection, but it's a fair bet most women aren't.
3. Compliment them, but don't go over board with sleazy stuff.
4. A good conversation starter are outfits and toys "Excuse me, I noticed your <item of clothing, toy, etc> can I ask you were you found it? Never seen one like that...."
5. Stand out from the crowd... Chances are there are at least 5 guys for every woman there, you don't want to be the 15th guy who offers to buy her a drink, offer her a crop (you can buy very cheap but high quality crops at equestrian stores)
6. Be honest, seriously, don't lie about your experience, especially if you have none, sooner or later it will come out anyway and if she can't trust you being honest about your experience, she'll possibly figure that she can't trust you at all and you messed up any chance you ever had - and your mouth most likely wrote a check that your ass can't pay.
7. Know your limits - sounds easy, you may even think you have none, so let me bring a few things up that might make you change your mind: lasting marks (scars, tattoos), feces, knifes, electrical play, breath play... I get to that later and give you a few pointers how you can find out in advance... People come into the lifestyle at any point of their lives, nobody was born with the knowledge, so letting somebody know that you aren't experienced doesn't count against you, some even might view you as "unspoiled".
8. Don't think you are experienced because you read a bit about BDSM or you"served" somebody online. There is a world of difference between typing you serve somebody a drink and actually serving somebody.
9. Don't pester dommes to play with you, you can mention that you would be delighted to play if she wishes (again, before that happens you tell her your limits or tell her that you're a newbie) and then leave it up to her. Dommes don't tend to be shy wallflowers, she'll let you know...
10. Know yourself, by that I mean don't get carried away, even if you see something you REALLY REALLY like, do not just go and touch, very bad idea... (I know, should not have to be said but unfortunately it has to be said because it happens)
11. Tolerance! Don't bitch about somebody's fetish, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to you, your fetish possibly looks just as ridiculous to somebody else! Live and let live!
12. In case I left something out - please let me know, this is a work in progress!

A lot of it is just common sense and you possibly have figured it out all yourself but in a situation like being in a BDSM club or at a BDSM party, it's easy to forget.

A simple example, I used to go to a Fetish Club in Munich, always pretty full but usually a lot more guys than women, in short it was pretty hard for the guys to meet women or get noticed by them, and to be honest as a woman, you got pretty annoyed after a while when every few minutes a guy came up to you and wanted to "serve" you, the service was usually a kinky interaction for THEIR enjoyment, because seriously, why would I want to exchange my comfy chair to sit rather uncomfy on some guys back, because he wanted to be objectified as a chair, couldn't be a foot stool, had to be a chair... How the hell is he serving me if I'm uncomfortable? Another domme was a non-smoker, a guy insisted on lighting a cigarette for her, because he had a smoking fetish and claimed he wanted to "serve her". Service is not something that turns you on, it's something the domme wants...

Anyway, there was one guy, not outrageously attractive, rather average looking, he carried a little box with him and came over, very politely told me that he admires my boots a lot and has a boot fetish, would I allow him to shine my boots.
I was taken aback for a moment, unlike a lot of the other guys, he was so polite and he actually offered something, and while my boots were nice and not dirty, having them polished well, yeah, sure. He opened his box and had a complete set for shoe care in it, boot blackener, different brushes, even a soft cloth for a proper shine, and guess what, he did a great job. I was so pleased, I asked him if I could buy him a drink as a thank you, he thanked me and insisted on buying drinks, we had a really good conversation and he told me he just wanted to stand out from the crowd and get to know dommes without pestering them, so he figured most of them have amazing shoes and while everybody asks them to kiss their shoes, polishing them is something he never saw offered. Well, damned good thinking! He could approach basically any domme he liked, got to know her, in case she was just a rude bitch, he polished the shoes, thanked her and left.

To cut a long story short, I introduced him to a few friends (other dommes) and whenever we saw him at the club, we talked to him, because we knew him, we also played on occasion with him, his social circle broadened a lot and he never stood around or was the gooseberry.

It doesn't matter if you bring a kit for polishing shoes, if you have some good quality (but cheap) crops and you give one to the domme who caught your eye or just as a conversation starter (again, buy them in equestrian stores - very cheap), do something FOR the domme, the usual "Can I buy you a drink" doesn't make you stand out. There are a lot of ways, if you're good at arts and crafts, make something kinky, again, just stand out from the crowd...

I know I promised a BDSM check list which should help you to define your limits and likes and all of that, but I guess this entry was rather long, so it will have to wait. Stay tuned.

And if you have questions or think a blog entry should deal with something, let me know!

Meeting a Domme (munches, parties, online)

Guys, one of the complains I hear all the time and everywhere is how difficult it is to meet a domme, true, but you know sitting at home and complaining about it on message boards won't make it much easier, I know a lot of you are worried about being out but if you are going to a munch, unless you are a highly visible celeb or politician, it's really nothing you have to worry about.

Let me give you a few pointers and explain what to expect and check it out yourself:

BDSM Munch

What to expect from a BDSM Munch

A munch usually happens in a restaurant or a pub, in a quiet area, the people are NOT dressed up, so please don't show up in all your BDSM regalia because nobody would appreciate it. To the outside world, it will look no different than a bunch of people meeting who share the same hobby, unless somebody listens in closely, you will appear to everybody like a group of people who could as well talk about bowling, sailing (think of all the knots), a group of dog or cat owners, colleagues...

It's a very low key social gathering, informal, low key gathering where you just socialize and meet other people, there is no play involved, you just talk to others and get to know them. It's a good way to find out what's going on in the community, which parties are good and what happens where.

The dress code depends on the place where the munch is held, but usually quite casual, if you are concerned about privacy, use another name. The people at munches really respect privacy (they're all in the same boat as you are) and it's usually on a first name basis.

You find munches by simply googling, BDSM munch and your location.

Once you have been to a few munches, you might be invited to private parties or public parties, or people will tell you which BDSM clubs are in the area and what you should know about them.

In Europe a lot of those parties or clubs have strict dress codes, it doesn't mean you need to arrive in full regalia (which for a lot of people could be a problem), there will be dressing rooms available. There's no need to go all out and show up in a gimp suit, but it's nice if you make some kind of effort, a pair of black leather trousers and a black t-shirt would be a nice touch and shows that you're not just a peeping tom who wants to watch "the pervs".

It's a lot better if you go with some people you know from the munches or a friend, you won't feel like you're all alone in a strange environment, which can be quite intimidating. They can also introduce you to other people (always easier in a group - a single male on his own can easily be the gooseberry) and they can keep an eye on you, help you with the etiquette.

In general BDSM clubs have a very friendly atmosphere (there will be the odd creep, but that's bound to happen anywhere) and the key is just being respectful. Let me point out that they are NOT swinger clubs and going to a BDSM club and thinking a bunch of horny females would jump you and drag you off - it's not going to happen.
Approach the people respectfully (like you would do in any other kind of club), a good way to start a conversation is to compliment somebody on the outfit, the shoes, the toys and just have a conversation. Don't go into full sub frenzy and run to the next dominant and beg him or her to play with you (first of all it's not going to be received well, if you appear desperate, you're undesirable, 2nd it's not safe).

It might actually be a good idea to just go to a bunch of parties and watch and observe, until you feel more at home, you have an idea who the people are and how they play and you feel a bit more comfortable. Introduce yourself to a dungeon monitor or the dungeon master/mistress and let them know it's your first time, in a lot of cases they will show you around and make introductions, which will make it a lot easier for you to meet people.

Don't be disappointed if on your first visit, or even first few visits, nothing happens and you're not partnered up with the domme of your dreams, you don't go into a pub or a bar and expect to find a life partner on the first or second visit.

Some things you have to remember is, that even in the highly unlikely case that somebody is trying to convince you to play with them, if you don't feel OK about it, you can always politely say "NO" and even if you have given your consent, you can withdraw it at any point in time and in case there is a problem, let a dungeon monitor know, that's what they are there for. And in case you are going with a friend or friends, they can keep an eye on you, just like you should keep an eye on them.

In case you play with somebody, make clear what your limits are and what you don't want to happen and don't rush into things!

Safety in BDSM (sub frenzy and meeting a domme)

Talking to a lot of people, I realized that often subs just don't really have a clue about what's acceptable or how it "should be", some of them run into dominants who also don't really have a clue.

Now first of all, just don't rely on the dominant always being in charge, in a scene - unless you get really scared - yes, but before the scene starts, make clear what your limits are. In short don't let your sex drive rule your thinking. BDSM is a game where everybody participates, that means as a submissive or slave, you also have responsibility, you are responsible for yourself and to a certain degree for your own safety.

I have little time and patience for subs (male or female) who think with the lower regions instead of their brain. Yeah, it's powerful, it's sexy, it can go to your head, absolutely, I wouldn't be into it if it wouldn't turn me on, but again, it is NOT a good enough excuse to stop thinking!

People go on a lot about SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual), to be honest, for me SSC just doesn't cut it, nothing we do is 100% safe, if it is sane - well, debatable, for some people being beaten or beating somebody else is everything but sane, consensual - yes, that is non-negotiable!
In short, I much prefer RACK and it seems to be much more descriptive (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and accurate, what we do has risks, it's our business (and by that I mean the submissive and the dominant) to be aware of those risks and consensually engage in those kinks. So subbies, there really is no excuse for you to not ask questions and educate yourself (just as much as the dominant should) because that falls under the umbrella of consensual for me.

You do know that very often the bottom (or sub in that case) breaches the consensuality rule? Surprised? You shouldn't be, if the dominant doesn't have the full knowledge and you haven't fully disclosed potential or actual medical problems, how can the dom/me truly and consensually take a risk, especially one he or she isn't aware of.

I know there is the victim mentality and people like to scream abuse, I don't deny that there is a lot of abuse in BDSM (just like there is in vanilla relationships), but remember, you can walk away at any time, you can say STOP at any time, and if you feel you are in danger or the top isn't in control or doesn't know what he or she is doing, that is EXACTLY what you should do. Some of you might be afraid to lose their dominant, tell you what, wouldn't you rather lose a dominant than a limb or end up with some serious injuries? When it comes down to it, your life and health should be a lot more important than a few moments of submissive bliss.

Personally, I'm afraid of sub frenzy, so afraid that I tend to not do any casual play anymore. So far it hasn't happen to me but I also don't want it to happen to me. Let me give you an example, you're at a club and there is also a play area, naturally there will be more guys than women, the guys see kinky things, they see women in sexy BDSM outfits, THEY WANT A PIECE OF ACTION! All of a sudden it seems all their fantasies have come true, they'll approach anybody to get some BDSM action. It happens to women too, to be honest the worst ones to develop sub frenzy are women between 30 and 50 who discover BDSM for the first time, common sense often goes out of the window.

So, you're in a club and you see subs begging tops to play with them, pretty often they don't really know what they want, they want almost any BDSM action, they won't talk about phobias and problems, they don't mention limits... Yes of course the top or dominant should ask, but again, also the responsibility of the sub to mention it, remember, it's a game for adults, so be a freaking adult! At one club there was a massive scandal and uproar, one guy freaked out completely, he forgot to mention that he's got claustrophobia and tends to freak out when being tied up. Hey, that's really smart isn't it? You know somebody who'd ask me to whip them and lets me tie him up and then screams bloody murder and abuse - I would expect that the person tells me about those problems, I am not a mind reader and it's not the most common problem, also not one you should expect. The nature of the beast is simply, that when it comes to public play the dungeon monitors have to react and they see somebody in panic, they think the top is responsible. In general everybody takes the side of the "poor subbie".

After seeing situations like that (not too often but to be honest, just the rare occasion is enough), I came to the conclusion that unless I do know you, and I know you're a responsible adult, I won't run the risk to be branded the villain or abuser, because we consensually entered a scene and you didn't know your limits, or decided to not tell me your limits, or you just "forgot" to tell me.

Also a sub, don't just play with anybody, you know it's your skin that's on the line, make sure the person knows what he/she is doing, watch them for a while, talk to them. You might be gagging for a scene, but seriously, you do want to get an impression of the person who's going to top you. A short talk can't really rule out all doubts and make something safe, but it can make it safer, if they appear to have had drinks and are under the influence of booze or anything else - give it a miss. Ask them how long they have been playing and ask a few things about their equipment. Of course you don't want to appear like an officer who's cross-examining them, but you can have a respectful discussion about their toys, like admire the whip and ask how long they had it, act a bit stupid and ask if it's difficult to care for whips, pretend to be ignorant and say "Leather is great, you just have to clean it with a wet cloth!" In case they agree with you enthusiastically, you don't play with that person, because he or she knows fuck all about hygiene standards, and do you really want to be whipped (where there is ALWAYS the danger of skin being broken) with a whip somebody else just has been whipped?

Play with somebody who has several crops, riding crops are relatively cheap (equestrian stores - end of lines, you get a lot of crop for your buck, about 3 times as many as you get in a BDSM supply store, if you don't have an equestrian store nearby, go online) easy to transport, easy to clean (if the disinfectant ruins them, it's a few bucks) they can't do as much damage as a whip. 

A really good and smart thing would be to bring your own crop(s), in the UK you can get a good riding crop for as little as £3 (that's about $5 - even cheaper if you buy in bulk) if you buy end of lines. It's a good way to start a conversation with a dominant you like, especially if you give her or him a present of a crop (most dominants are toy whores anyway) and it's a lot cheaper than buying them a drink, which is possibly what most of the other subs are trying to do.
You do stand out a bit from the crowd, you make a good first impression, if she decides to play with you, you brought your own equipment (which didn't cost a lot) and you don't have to worry how many other people were beaten with that crop without it being properly cleaned...

Actually, there is a lot more to be said about safety and meeting dominants, so be prepared for occasional updates on the subject...

Women in control

This is actually more of a fun post, I stumbled over some stuff on YouTube and I thought you guys might really enjoy to see some women that are in control...

Shirley Manson, she's super cool...

Say what you want, she has guts!

BDSM - In or out the closet?

It's something that always comes up if people who participate in BDSM meet up or talk, people are asking if you're "out" and the ones who are tend to look a bit down on the ones that are not.

I don't know what's wrong or right, I think it's something each and every person has to decide for him or herself, in general, the world is not quite as tolerant as we want it to be, so I'd recommend to think about it carefully if you want to be out and proud.
While it is possibly quite liberating to be out and not having to worry about some scumbag outing and possibly blackmailing you, it can also backfire as the recent NYC scandal showed.

Personally I would support each and everybody to be out or not out, as long as you thought about it and you're happy with your choice, it's yours and yours alone, nobody has the right to tell you to be out, and after all BDSM is something rather private, I never saw the need to share my private sexual preferences with the world.

It's simply nobody elses business, and why would you share even a vanilla sex life with random people? I mean you don't want to hear how your neighbours do it (trust me, I don't want to know about my neighbours' sex life, in fact I'd actually appreciate it if they'd wear MORE clothes, at least clothes that cover most of their bodies - one word: cottage cheese thighs) if you're having a family, think about yourself and your parents. You really don't want to know about your parent's sex life, so if you have kids, don't overshare.

To be honest, I never really bring it up even with people I know socially or through work, some of my friends do have a BDSM background and we met through parties or sessions, so of course it's not a secret with us, but to people who don't really know, I don't think I need to tell them.
In case you're working in an industry that is somewhat creative, people gossip enough, yes you might have a bit more leeway and you're allowed to be a bit more "crazy" but gossip is still ripe, so why give them more to talk about?

It's not like I make a massive big secret out of it, at home there are plenty of crops and whips, I got a lot of corsets, I wear leather quite often, I have a thing for boots (I have to take a picture of my new boots... they are just AMAZING, simple and stylish but they also look good with BDSM clothes - have I mentioned I'm a fashion victim and a shoe whore) and I usually pimp up my business wear with slightly extravagant shoes, if people ask, I usually just look at them and ask them why they ask, or why they want to know and depending on their reply and my gut feeling I give my answer. I won't deny it, but I tend to side track, I do ride so that's an easy answer for the crops and whips, the shoes are fashion and I like the Goth look...

Seriously, there is no right or wrong, but remember that once you're out, you can't go back into the closet and it might come and bite you in the ass. I'm not trying to make you paranoid but think what you have to gain from being all out? If you don't need to apply for jobs and all that because you're independently wealthy, cool, great. Just most of us don't have that luxury and you never know how a boss or colleagues will react. Of course if you're out, nobody can ever blackmail you, but in all honesty, somebody who only does it in the missionary position is possibly not "out" about it, certain things are private.

Don't have pictures about yourself floating around, facial recognition software is becoming more and more sophisticated, have an alternative email address that is NOT in your real name, keep your BDSM correspondence and the rest separate. Use some common sense, you don't have to be paranoid and look over your shoulder all the time, but keep some things private.
I know with the information age, Facebook and all that it's quite tempting to share more than is possibly wise, about every day you read about somebody being fired because they tweeted something they shouldn't have tweeted, or put stuff on Facebook they thought only their friends would see - and whoops, somebody takes a screen shot and sends it to the boss anonymously...

Again, if you are out or not, it's up to you, but just ask yourself what you have to gain and what you have to lose... Especially if you just found BDSM and you are in a mad feeding frenzy, it can be easy to be carried away and do something you might regret later. Just use some common sense, that's all I ask, you wouldn't tell everybody that you like having sex doggie style - so why tell everybody that you're into getting whipped or spanked....

TPE - Take over my life...

Honestly, I think everybody had that fantasy at least once or twice, on both sides of the whip, but it unless you're independently wealthy and live and breathe BDSM all day long, it's possibly the most impractical idea ever. Something for day-dreamers or people who aren't too well adjusted when it comes to reality.

It makes for a great fantasy and it makes for a really cool role play, maybe even for a great BDSM vacation or weekend, but day in day out, I just can't see it...

Imagine you're a normal couple, chances are that you're both working, at work - unless you are self-employed - you have a boss who is in control and makes the rules, plus at work you want to concentrate on work and not your private kink. Trust me, I'm very kink friendly but if I would have to work with somebody who's kink would interfere with the work, I'd be everything else but pleased and point out that they should get their sexual thrills at home, the time they're paid to work, they owe their full time and effort to the person who pays.

For it to be real and total power exchange, one person has absolute control, it can be hot for a short time, but if you want it as 24/7 you would have to micromanage and that's just a hell lot of work.
Of course you can agree to your own version of TPE, for example where the sub has a certain amount of freedom and the dominant trusts him or her to make the right decisions, however real life has a way of interfering in that.

In case the submissive is married or in a relationship with somebody else, TPE can't work, it's conflicting commitments and it's seriously unfair to the spouse (unless the spouse is happy with it too), who's relationship would have some serious interference by the dominant.

When it comes down to it, we all have lives outside of D/s and I really wouldn't want to deal with anybody who doesn't have another life and everything is just BDSM, they don't tend to be the most well adjusted people, to be honest, they'd drive me crazy. Apart from the fact that somebody who would agree to TPE without limits is possibly somebody who doesn't value their safety and life at all, and the TOTAL in TPE basically means that there can't be limits or else it wouldn't be a total power exchange.

For me TPE is just another one of those buzz words, a fantasy far too many people take far too seriously, trust me BDSM and D/s can be very enjoyable with only a limited amount of power exchange and without dramatic labels, all it requires is to be an adult and responsible and not let your fantasy run away with you.

Like slavery, power exchange in BDSM is completely voluntary, so we are playing with a fantasy concept anyway, something no lawyer could push through, it's two or more adults agreeing to something because it's what they want and crave. To give up power and free will in certain circumstances with a trusted partner is absolutely cool, but I'm getting fed up with people using TPE as an excuse for bad choices or letting your libido overrule your common sense. Even if you have agreed to TPE, you haven't agreed to be a mindless robot, you're still responsible. BDSM is a game for adults, if you can't act like an adult, sorry, you really shouldn't be part of it! It goes back to "I'm your domme and not your mom!"

Stupid things people do...

So I read an entry on MF today, not sure if I should believe it, it's just a bit "much" and to be honest it doesn't sound very credible...

I best do a copy and paste, since I am not sure the guy who posted the review is "legit", I change the name of the domme in question... Why I am not so sure it's a real review, I'll tell you later....

This is the very first time that I've had to give a Mistress a bad review. Now over the years, since I've been exploring my inner submission, and having sessions with Pro Domme's, for the most part, I've had pleasant experiences, some more so that others which just depended on the Mistress and her particular style when it comes to a session, and I've sessioned with several different Mistresses, but I'd have to say, that may last session with an Altanta Georgia area Mistress, XXX was absolutely awful, and here's the reasons why.

What made me initially chose her, was her photos, which must have been taken when she was about 20-30 lighter; thefefore, the photos of how she actually presently looks where somewhat deceiving. Not to sound mean, but when she opened her mouth, I see these huge buttery teeth, she has awful oral hygiene which is something that you can not truly enjoy if you're one of those submissives that enjoy being spit on by your Mistress.

So although I'm mislead from the photos, and find her teeth disgusting, since I drove almost 2 hrs to make it to my session, and being in need of a submission fix, I didn't turn around and leave, I stayed, paid my tribute fee, we began the session, and was truly wanting to make the best of it, and have a good session. Now I go into the mindset of a submissive, which means that I want to do everything I'm told and make my Mistress happy. Well she asked me if I would mind having our session video taped, at first I was very reluctant, because this is my private life here we're talking about. I told her that I would be worried about my face and tattoo's being seen, and she assured me that she would edit those out.
Not long after our session, I had a change of heart, and respectfully requested that she not use the videos at all, and after my request, a few days later, I look and this fat ass buck toothed buttery teeth bitch has posted these videos on clips 4 sale, unedited, totally disragarding or respecting my wishes! Not being concerned at all how this could effect my life! Mistress or not, I don't like to be lied to or dealt with underhandedly by anyone! So be forewarned submissives, XXXX is not the Mistress to go see! There are plenty other Mistresses that are a lot more straight up in their dealings than her, trust me! I'm not usually a mean hearted person, or say mean things just to offend or hurt someone, but she, Mistress Yuck Mouth aka XXXX has really pissed me off royally, and my complaint is valid! She is a liar, and totally unprofessional! Now is what I'm saying defamation of her character, uhmmm no I don't think so, because it's the truth, no matter how harshly stated! Save your $ and your time, do not go see her, trust me friends! 

I told him that if he didn't sign a release form, he should inform Clips4Sale and tell them and they'd yank the video - they have to and they won't run the risk of a law suit. People who dealt with them said they are superb and run a "clean" business.

Why I think he isn't legit? Simple, because all his other reviews were about a different Mistress in the area, he basically was a walking advertisement for her, said Mistress seems to be a direct competition of the Mistress where he claimed was so bad.

Additionally, he claims that she is much bigger than her pics, seeing her videos, she actually seems slimmer than her her pics, and in her videos her teeth are just fine, perfect, white, nothing to see of buck teeth.

Then a guy saying he didn't like the way she looked, that she had horrible teeth but still staying and paying - somehow doesn't sound right, then a client - somebody who PAYS - agreeing to have the session taped without being forewarned about it? Sorry, nope, again, doesn't sound right...

And then you look at her videos, she seems to have 2 regular video slaves in her C4S video store, both of them go months and months back - and he claims that she sells the video on his C4S store? Again, not right. Also if you would worry about being recognized, would you put it out where to find the videos with potential blackmail material? Something is odd about it...

Anybody with half a brain would demand that the videos are taken down or legal action would happen, hell, just a little anonymous call telling the authorities that she doesn't have all the proper release papers and she'd be in legal trouble until the next century...

Something just doesn't smell right here...

But anyway, guys, you got a brain use it to THINK...



Guys, don't do videos without a mask, just don't do it! THINK!

Btw seems the guy was really full of shit and got busted, as for her looks, she put up a video and the domme in question is quite gorgeous: free video 

Comptletely unrelated

I seem to have the laziest dogs on the planet, OK, we had long walks today and all that, but it's raining now and I tried to encourage them to have another walk tonight...

Guess what, they just went to the nearest lamp post and weed, then decided they drag me back home...

Each of them is about my size, but they are afraid of a bit of rain...

Why are there....

So I opened up my FL again and guess what, yeah, there is a long rambling letter with a laundry list of what I can do to a guy for "my pleasure" and then he complains about pro dommes and life-style dommes, the former ones are all greedy whores (according to him) and the latter are mostly fat, old and unattractive (again according to him) and since he considers me not too fat, too old (duh, thought I set my profile to 86 to not attract them) or too unattractive (wonder how he can tell since all he sees is a leather corset) he decided to write me and offer himself. OH LUCKY ME...

I know it's not easy to find a life-style domme, possibly not even for casual play, but it's also not easy to find a girlfriend or a kinky girlfriend, sitting at your computer and typing with one hand won't make it easier.

First impressions count, if you come across like a whiny little cry-baby, feeling sorry for yourself and telling me how hard it is, I have an impression of you, that impression isn't flattering.

If you think you flatter me by talking nasty about other women - think again, you come over as a classless, mean spirited little creep.

So you talk about serving me, but then you have this long list of what you want me to do to you, hey, if I go for a massage, I usually pay because the massage therapist is providing a service, so if you want your ass caned, it's nothing else, spare me the "for my pleasure".

Oh yeah, and don't bemoan the fact that there are so many big women in BDSM, guess what, a lot of big women around, if you don't like them look the other way. Nobody says you have to find them attractive but if you bitch about them being there, then let me bitch about needy little creeps...

Actually, it's a bunch of wasted keystrokes, said all before

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

I'm your Domme, not your mom

A friend of mine brought that up today in a conversation, I'm jealous, that is such a great line and so true!

Guys, no ifs and no buts, unless you are into age play a good way to turn of female dominants is to expect them to coddle you, if we wanted to have children, we would have them, some of us might even have them, so really, we don't need a guy to behave like he can't tie his shoes himself and needs to be micromanaged 24/7.

If it's in a session and you both get off on it, wonderful, but I would really really freak out if somebody would expect me to micromanage him all the time, it's kinda nice having somebody with a brain, somebody you can also have a conversation with and not somebody who wants you to know when he's allowed to use the toilet (unless it's their kink - it certainly isn't mine, bowel functions are more of a turn off, we all have them but some bodily functions are in the realm of privacy, please don't over share).

Of course I am not speaking for all dommes and some might be into micromanagement, it's just not a hell lot of us are, really. Look at it practically, micromanaging you causes us a lot of work, we have to show you how something is done, we have to check that you are doing it right, we have to control you all the time, you know what? I rather do it myself, far less trouble and I don't have to bother with somebody getting underfoot.

Think about it this way, a submissive who's smart and attentive, that is sexy, that is a turn on, yup, does something for me, somebody who's dumb or dumbs down, not so much. If you'd be looking for a potential play partner or life partner, what would you be looking for? Somebody who is smart and clever, who's an asset, somebody you can be proud of, or a liability?

Say if you are a service sub, what service are you doing me if I have to watch you all the time? So I let you into my place (bit of a risk I took) and you're there and you want to be of service, I tell you to wash the dishes while I do something else and you interrupt me every 5 minutes asking me which dish you should wash first, within 30 minutes I want to throttle you and kick your ass out, and I am not talking breath play and abandonment fantasies, I'm telling you, there is nothing kinky about me being really really pissed off!

So the threats start...

Remember the guy who thought the world owes him domination? He sent me a threat...

Now just for the record, I am not even active as a pro-domme, I see very few but select guys, in the UK absolutely legal, what is not legal would be soliciting, yet dommes hardly walk around soliciting guys... So basically the law in the UK is that if a man or a woman approaches anybody on the street for sex for money, that is not allowed.

As for my website - I don't have one, idiot hasn't figured out that I don't earn my money by being a pro domme but that it's more or less a hobby.

As for the outing and all that, went through that already only this stalker even had personal info...

But guys, just remember, those are the type of people we have to deal with on a regular basis, so cut the women some slack if they really want references! In Europe it's not such a big deal, but in the US, you should be grateful that they are very very careful!

What can I say? I absolutely had it with dickless wankers threatening and stalking, you want to really piss me off, yeah, that's a good way to start.

Btw due to my experience with the other stalker, I do have a little bit of knowledge about internet threats:

18 U.S.C. § 875(c) states: "Whoever transmits in interstate or foreign commerce any    communication containing any threat to kidnap any person or any  threat to injure the person of another, shall be fined under this  title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both."  From the wording of § 875(c) it is clear that the legislator did not require the element of 'intent.'  Thus, it is irrelevant if the accused claims he/she did not have the intent to produce any injury on the victim; the mere act of sending the e-mail with threatening messages typifies the criminal conduct.

Well, that is the US, now in the UK:
It would fall under the Malicious Communications Act

So in case I hear that the pussy whipped fucktard has caused anybody just the slightest bit of trouble, I'll be down at the police station (after a little detour to an internet lawyer) and I will be very upset about his "threat" - which in turn will have them get his IP, the US colleagues will have a talk with him. Imagine the legal background, he states in his little note that for him BDSM is prostitution and he is trying to solicit money in a thread in an open forum so he can engage in acts of prostitution... I wonder if he ever considered that.

Oh well, one could only hope that the cops who will talk to him are discrete, given the fact that he does live with his parents...

He better prays that none of my domme friends get suspicious calls or even the slightest hint of trouble, or he might find himself in a shit storm that will make Sandy look like a little bit of rain.

You think I'm vicious? In that case, YES I AM. When it comes to wankers who try to take out their frustrations on women and exploit vulnerabilities, hell yes, same reaction as I would have if I'd catch anybody torturing an animal or mistreating a child or somebody with a disability.

The Lupus Thing

I have gotten a lot of messages of support and wishing me well, a bunch of you were actually quite concerned (I didn’t even know so many people read the blog), let me assure my lupus is not to bad and it’s really under control.

A bunch of things seem to trigger it so I try to avoid negative stress (works fine as long as psycho stalker keeps out of my life), avoid unhealthy food, hardly drink alcohol and I don’t wear chemical fiber, especially around my period…

The advantage is that I am a super clean person, because sweat on my skin after a really short time starts to trigger really nasty rashes, it has to do with the antibodies, basically my skin reacts to my own sweat like it’s acid.

My thyroid is a real issue, and as some of you pointed out in your notes, yes, it is possible that one day it might affect major internal organs, definitely, hence I get monitored. I drink lots of herbal teas as the kidneys seem to be the biggest danger and I am a bit anaemic but that’s it.

All It does is make me more health conscious, a lot of people have it much worse and most people with lupus are super sun sensitive, so instead of bemoaning that I got something that can’t be changed, I count my blessings. It’s seriously manageable and doable!

The whole stuff came up when Miss Olivia mentioned a problem that sounded familiar, I asked if she has lupus (I think that’s how it went) and we discussed what we do to keep it in check. I was a bit surprised when she made the post, because I honestly wouldn’t have had the guts to say it out loud. Not that I am ashamed about having an auto-immune problem, it’s really not infectious, most likely genetic, it’s just nothing you want to bring up.

I thought bringing it up was really brave and courageous of her and I didn’t want to leave her hanging there on her own. It is really like she said, if you have it, you sometimes feel like a freak, and no, I’m not happy that she has it too, but it was very very comforting to be able to talk with somebody about it.

Again, thanks to everybody who reaches out, I’m really OK, the only one who suffers on occasion is hubby if I let my health routine slip and I break out

BDSM and Entitlement

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I used to be quite upset when dommes have an entitlement complex, but truth to be told, a lot of that “Give me, I’m a superior being” stuff is something that does turn guys on. They aren’t forced, most actually look for financial dommes and while it’s not a fetish I understand, but hey, if it makes people happy, who really cares. I don’t think there would be FinDommes out there without guys looking for them and yeah, giving them money.

There always have been guys out there who decided that domination or BDSM should be free and on demand, I might have the odd rant about that, but there is seriously nothing wrong with seeking a life-style domme, just don’t shoot yourself in the foot, here’s a little bit of a manual what might work and what might not work if you’re looking for one: http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/domination-owed.html

Though in general if you are married, the chances of finding a life-style domme are slim, she might want commitment and you have already committed to your wife, and you should take that commitment seriously. There are odd cases where the domme is OK with it, that’s usually when the wife is informed and OK with it. It’s a bit hard to have a trusting relationship with somebody who’s betraying the partner. Pro dommes don’t have (or shouldn’t have) expectations outside of the usual, you know that you are keeping appointments, that you are clean and that you pay. You pay because you don’t have any other commitments, pro dommes won’t call you up in the middle of the night because they can’t sleep and want to talk, they won’t call you up to help with something, the relationship is professional, you don’t pay with your time, you pay in coin.

But now you got a new breed, nasty sub who thinks he’s entitled to sessions and somebody else should pay for it. He’s a good person, honestly, he ONCE gave 20 bucks to a guy (or so he claims) and people give to sports and cheerleaders, so why shouldn’t they give to him and his selfish wishes? I wonder if he realizes that sports is public enjoyment, will he broadcast his free session to give back to his “sponsors”? That alone is a reason to not sponsor him, ewwww…

This is getting funnier and funnier

The government programs you mention that exist in the US are socialist programs. They are forms of collectivism. The government forcibly takes (via taxes) from one person to provide welfare for another person. For some reason, a government nanny state is okay but what I suggest is not.

So first he whines about the cruel world where people don’t care about his little bit of happiness, but he considers welfare as something evil? I guess the children should starve so he can have his session, it’s only evil and socialist if it’s for others, I get it…

Considering that he doesn’t work (he claims an “anxiety disorder”), I think he might be on one of those evil socialist programs, you know this form of collectivism where the government robs one person to give to another… But we always have to remember that he is a very good person, I mean ONCE he gave $20…

I was reminded of a friend who lived with us for about 18 months, the guy is an ex special forces soldier, severe post traumatic stress disorder, didn’t stop him from doing what he could, because he never wanted to pick up a gun, he worked on building sites, didn’t earn a lot of money. I met him a while before he moved in, he always seemed to be a very kind soul, always made a fuss over the dog (good way to get into my good graces) and then later again when he was screwed over, company he worked for had folded owing him a lot of money, he had applied for unemployment benefits but the paper work dragged on, in the meantime he had lost his place to live and was sleeping rough. We invited him in, as we have a room we don’t use, not too big, not too fancy, but warm with a bed and furniture. This guy who really barely could make ends meet offered to pay rent, we had to make up stories that he’s doing us a favor because we need somebody to dog and cat sit for him to accept to live rent free.

Why I bring it up? Because of the difference! Our friend had a dream (teaching English in China) and he worked his ass off, despite his disability, he didn’t expect people to buy him a ticket, he didn’t want hand-outs, he didn’t feel entitled to free stuff.

He is somebody people respect, somebody who actually does stuff, no excuses, doesn’t expect handouts or people paying for him, as a result and because he’s the first one to lend a helping hand, people go out of their way to make his life a bit easier and help him where they can. Funny how that works…

Another thing I noticed with the charmer, he claims to be a submissive, oddly enough he’s quite deferential to men but amazingly rude to women… Hypocritical much?

But clearly not his own fault that he doesn’t get a free session, the world owes him one, really, we should all stop being so damned unfeeling. Who’s going first? I guess the proper way to approach him for a free session would be “And how may I dominate you today, Sir? And how many hours of my own time would you like me to waste on you? Clearly anything I plan to do and any work are not as important as your desire to be dominated…”

I think I just threw up a little…

And in case you wondered, yeah, he is the same as this guy : http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/domination-owed.html

Hey he might want to ask the Dire Straits, you know, money for nothing and your chicks for free

 

Domination owed?

OK, a thread on good old MF inspired this, might be a bit of a rant...

Let me give you the gist of it:

Guy wants domination, several hours of it, pro dommes are too expensive for him, he doesn't like life-style dommes as they make him jump through too many hoops. In short he wants instant domination, the way he likes it (not in a dungeon setting but their homes - anybody concerned about safety and letting a stranger into your house?) but that's it. He wants to show up and get his needs met, but claims it's all about the woman... Now dommes should give him the sessions for free or other guys should sponsor him...

Didn't meet with a lot of approval, apart from the true loose cannon on the board who's well known for his hatred of dommes (and to go on to a board that deals with professional domination, doofus really has some issues, maybe he's a masochist and gets his kicks that way?), oddly enough the original poster wasn't distracted from this, he kept continuing with his passive aggressive stuff, and the woman are mean bitches who attack him, when he just wants to live in a world where you don't need any money...

I can sympathize with the idea of an Utopia where no currency is needed, but I can't sympathize with the idea of being a free loader and that anybody has to prove sincerity by giving you stuff for free. If you shun all commercialism, don't expect play for pay for free, simple as that.

Can you imagine going into a restaurant and telling the chef that if he's truly passionate about food, he'll deliver a 5 star menue for free? Your favorite musician has to show up at your party and perform for free, your favorite painter will have to hand over his or her artworks for free, your accountant has to do your taxes for free - how else would you know that he's passionate about crunching numbers...

I really do not have a problem with people who want to get away from commercialism, in fact I find it admirable and we're trying to do something like that on a small scale, we're usually donating the money we would have spent for Xmas pressies to a charity and help out at a local shelter. Much more rewarding than sitting at home, overeaten and feeling a bit sick and it takes out the stress of finding presents...

What I do have a problem with is with people who are not willing to give (i.e. somebody who says and that is a direct quote Now, there are lifestyle dommes (as opposed to pro-dommes) who are less interested in money and more into domination. But they usually make subs jump through multiple hoops for extended periods of time before sessioning real time (such as mandatory cam sessions, long waiting periods, etc.) I am just plain out of sympathy for somebody who's a freeloader with an entitlement complex.
NO woman, and especially not dominant women are fetish delivery systems, obliged to dominate anybody who asks for it, or demands it. If you can't be bothered to show that you are sincere, you want it on your terms and when you want it (not when the woman feels ready or is in the mood), then pay for it.

The guy doesn't work, claims his wife knows about it and doesn't mind, so I suggested he might talk to her, she might actually love him pampering her and doing the household chores, but he claims she is too sweet for that, and he likes that she is a sweet and good natured girl, the one he fell in love with...

So essentially, the sweet girl shouldn't be sullied with dominance, those of us who are dominant are obviously some lower form of life who can be exploited by him at will. And he wonders why he's not getting anywhere?

Sorry, but I'm sticking with my plan to give money to the victims of Sandy, those people need food and shelter, I can't really see his need for a domination session that lasts for a few hours being quite as great as the need of the Sandy victims. Yeah, I know, I'm going to hell for being such an unfeeling and cold bitch, but you know what, I guess that is one good way to avoid the freeloader, aka professional victim....

That song is actually far too cool to dedicate it to him, but you get the gist...

 

Bdsm and Guilt...

I bet you all think it's about you guys sneaking out and seeing a domme, but nope, it isn't. Completely selfish post about yours truly and the whole female guilt when it comes to BDSM...


It's not a very popular issue because everybody has this opinion of how a domme should be and all that, her inner struggles and the guilt issue is a bit of a turn off, let's face it domination is in a lot of cases all about male fantasies, especially when it comes to professional domination.

I discovered it through a boyfriend, and you know despite a certain enthusiasm on his side, I still struggled with myself and thought I was a bit weird. To be honest, I wondered if I wasn't a complete psycho. I had those fantasies before and was always feeling really guilty, like I had done something really terrible and shameful. I was actually often wondering if I am alright, if there isn't something fundamentally wrong with me.

As crazy as it sounds, training as a professional domme helped me with that internal dilemma a lot, I mean you can give consent, or you can pay somebody to do something to you. That's actually the ultimate form of consent, and in a weird way, as much as you enjoy it, you are performing a service you have been paid for. It's almost like a papal absolution.

Of course the money was welcome too, as a student every bit of my fetish wardrobe meant going without something else or doing extra shifts on the weekend in the club where I worked, covering a few more stories that brought tears of boredom to my eyes for any paper or magazine who was willing to print it and pay... Not that I made much money when I started out, when you're in training you actually don't get paid, and for quite a while afterwards you're getting paid only a fraction of the session. It wasn't a "get rich quick" or "this is easy money" scheme, well, maybe for the domme who trained me and owned the dungeon, but on the other hand, I really learned how to clean and sterilize, I prefer to see it as an investment that paid out, even if sometimes I felt like spitting nails if I had to clean up yet another room and sterilize everything, but I was far too grateful to have found somebody who wasn't giving me the old BS that I need to submit first or work as a submissive before I could "progress".

Don't get me wrong, some excellent dommes are submissives in their private lives or have started out as submissives, it's just I'm not submissive and pretending something - don't think it would have worked for me at all.

As much as everybody likes to bitch about professional domination, I am pretty sure I am not the only one who found it a relief and who managed to get over the initial guilt issue and then could enjoy being dominant.

I'm not sure where it comes from, maybe because being a sadist and enjoying to dominate is so against the grain of everything we are taught and raised with? Especially for women. Being brought up very Catholic certainly didn't help, even though I consider myself now more of an agnostic than an atheist, a lot of it still sticks with you.
Additionally, I'd like to think I'm not a cruel person, I enjoy inflicting pain to somebody who enjoys taking pain from me, yes, but I am always worried where the line is and where it might be considered abuse. If I see an injured animal, I'll take it home (last year we had a blackbird with a broken wing living with us - we had to chase a healed Ms Blackie out in the end, she enjoyed the hotel life far too much, and her two canine body guards who kept the cats away), I'm always holding doors open, volunteer for some charities and all that. My sadism seems to go against the grain of just being a decent human being, or at least it seemed for a while.

So yes, one big hooray for professional domination, because otherwise I might have ended up frustrated, confused and scared of myself.

Asking for a favor...

I don't want to bore you and I know you are reading this blog more for kinky stuff than for sad news that you get in the media every day, but I just spoke to some friends on the East-Coast, luckily they are all OK, not everybody is though. There are also countries who don't have disaster relief, to be honest, I don't care which nationality somebody is, if they need help they need help. Where you happen to be born is something you had no choice, it's where your parents lived, or your grandparents moved to...

I'm for one am grateful that I am in the warm, with computer access, a home, food in the fridge... Maybe you are too? Would you please help the people who got hit by the storm?


I'm seriously pissed off by assholes on MF sabotaging every thread about disaster relief and such with their own political agenda or personal grudges, I guess if you try hard enough you can see something awful in everything. I'm just pissed off that they distract others from actually helping, but hey, assholes will always be assholes!

I wish I could afford to give more to the Red Cross, but I've honestly given what I could afford, I'm currently busy decluttering my wardrobe and putting stuff up on ebay with the proceeds going to the Red Cross. I just feel really horrible having so much stuff that I don't even wear when others have lost homes and don't know how to feed their kids!

If you do need motivation to help those who are seriously affected by Sandy, I can offer you phone sessions on Skype, access to my private gallery on flickr (tons of shots of me in fetish wear), if you get off on me pretending I'm a financial domme, heck, then I command you to send a tribute to a charity who works with disaster victims. I don't want proof, I trust you, you can email me on the google mail that belongs to this blog.

I promise I will be back to kinky things and stuff soon, it's just watching TV and seeing the disaster everywhere is sickening...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/nov/04/sandy-toll-elderly-evacuate

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/nov/02/hurricane-sandy-hit-caribbean-media

Sandy...

Hope everyone on the East Coast is alright!

Tried to send notes to my friends, some might be without power - I guess there are a few of you out there who I don't know, hope you're all fine.

Those of you who might have gotten of easy and got a $10 to spare, here's what I found on the net - donations for the Red Cross:

https://www.ammado.com/nonprofit/red-cross-socny/articles/24579

http://www.1redcross.org/

Gossip Gossip...

I recently had a conversation with somebody who wondered about gossip in the scene, well yeah, of course there is, but guys wondering that their secrets get out - ehhh, not really so much.

Think about it this way, a domme does kinky stuff all day long, I'm not being mean here, but if you think that because you come in for a spanking or a whipping, maybe a bit of foot worship, you want a transformation, it's earth shattering for us, it isn't, it's really "business as usual" and hardly worth talking about. I mean imagine a bunch of professionals, think they are talking about stuff that's pretty run of the mill? You have to be pretty out there to warrant being the subject of conversation.

One of the examples that came up in conversation was me coming out of a session and another domme who was on shift asked how it was, I told her that it was fine and pretty normal, that was the whole conversation, then I went to make myself a cup of coffee and catch my breath, before I attended the clean up and sterilization of the room. While I was sipping my coffee, the thought crossed my mind what a vanilla person would think about it... Basically the guy had a massive scrotal inflation (the good old saline), then a bit of boot worship, then a whipping where he was strung up upside down and sang "Always look on the bright side of life". You tell a vanilla person that it was an easy session and not really shocking and I would like to see their faces, but for a domme, that's it basically. To be mentioned, you have to be pretty hardcore, pretty disgusting or pretty funny, so yeah, the guy who farted throughout the session, we did gossip about him. Mainly just telling the "lucky" domme he decided to see that day to have the ventilation set on high (yeah, his farts were pretty pungent), or the guy who had really really unpleasant BO and didn't tend to shower regularly and usually declined the offer to shower. The way to go was to suggest a prison role play and hose him down in the wet room...

Yeah, when it comes to our nostrils and evil smelling clients, we have to be pretty tricky ;)

Yes, there is gossip and there are always clients who we gossip about, not in terms of who they are (trust me, we really aren't all that interested in your private lives, clients tend to be far more obsessed with dommes than the other way round - to put it bluntly, we do enjoy BDSM but if we had our choice we possibly would rather play with somebody who's clean, a bit less demanding, less topping from the bottom, less having an agenda and who plays with us when we want to play, how we want to play and not when you want to play - bitter truth), but more in "How freaking unreasonable was he? Last minute session and he wants a setup that would take a long time..." or you want "extras" - that gets you talked about and not in a good way, also claiming somebody gave you extras, it basically makes sure that nobody gives them to you, because you already have shown yourself to be indiscreet... See how it works?

Also be aware that if you come and you want a referral (not a problem at all) and it's a domme I am friends with, I will give her pointers to what you like and what she should avoid, but in general, out of session we don't obsess about you, that includes obsessive gossip. Sorry if that comes as a surprise to you, but most of us have a life outside of the dungeon, about 90% of all dommes have regular jobs and relationships. Yeah, kills the idea that we live BDSM 24/7 or that we are Goddesses who sit on slave furniture, munching sweets all day long a slave presents us on his knees - if we would be, we'd be so grossly obese that you guys wouldn't want to see us anyway.

Most of us are freaking busy with our own lives, in average we see between 5 and 10 clients a week if we work part time, half of the money from that goes into dungeon rent and transport, from the rest of it we pay for our advertising, fetish wardrobe, cleaning supplies and all that. Add to that a regular job, a relationship, a bit of a social life and then figure out where you belong there...

What makes me laugh is the whole cloak and dagger game a lot of clients have, you know fake names and all that, cool, not an issue (as I mentioned, we aren't so keen to marry you so we really don't want to know who you are) and then you send us a mail from your work account. DUHHHH

Seriously, please do not do that, because we do not want to know, we are possibly even more worried than you are that some administrator will intercept your work mail and because he has a horrible day will cause trouble for us because he can, especially in the US. And even in Europe, where it is not illegal, anybody getting busted in a divorce case for seeing a domme, you wanna bet that it's not his face gracing the tabloids, it's the domme's face...

Give me one good reason why a domme would want a client busted? The moment she's "outed" or even involved in something that is not her fault (say a client who embezzled - it will be her being dragged through the mud though she had no clue about it, sex sells and kinky sex titillates and sells even better - Max Mosley anybody?) nobody will see her anymore.

Guys, trust me, as long as you show up clean, you're not unreasonable in session, you can call yourself Genghis Khan and we won't bat an eyelid. Almost every domme had the odd celebrity client (yeah guess what, those guys are kinky too) and it's NOT great, just because we're aware that if he gets busted, we're in it too and celebs are much more likely to be followed by paps than Joe Average...