Wednesday, 28 November 2012

BDSM - In or out the closet?

It's something that always comes up if people who participate in BDSM meet up or talk, people are asking if you're "out" and the ones who are tend to look a bit down on the ones that are not.

I don't know what's wrong or right, I think it's something each and every person has to decide for him or herself, in general, the world is not quite as tolerant as we want it to be, so I'd recommend to think about it carefully if you want to be out and proud.
While it is possibly quite liberating to be out and not having to worry about some scumbag outing and possibly blackmailing you, it can also backfire as the recent NYC scandal showed.

Personally I would support each and everybody to be out or not out, as long as you thought about it and you're happy with your choice, it's yours and yours alone, nobody has the right to tell you to be out, and after all BDSM is something rather private, I never saw the need to share my private sexual preferences with the world.

It's simply nobody elses business, and why would you share even a vanilla sex life with random people? I mean you don't want to hear how your neighbours do it (trust me, I don't want to know about my neighbours' sex life, in fact I'd actually appreciate it if they'd wear MORE clothes, at least clothes that cover most of their bodies - one word: cottage cheese thighs) if you're having a family, think about yourself and your parents. You really don't want to know about your parent's sex life, so if you have kids, don't overshare.

To be honest, I never really bring it up even with people I know socially or through work, some of my friends do have a BDSM background and we met through parties or sessions, so of course it's not a secret with us, but to people who don't really know, I don't think I need to tell them.
In case you're working in an industry that is somewhat creative, people gossip enough, yes you might have a bit more leeway and you're allowed to be a bit more "crazy" but gossip is still ripe, so why give them more to talk about?

It's not like I make a massive big secret out of it, at home there are plenty of crops and whips, I got a lot of corsets, I wear leather quite often, I have a thing for boots (I have to take a picture of my new boots... they are just AMAZING, simple and stylish but they also look good with BDSM clothes - have I mentioned I'm a fashion victim and a shoe whore) and I usually pimp up my business wear with slightly extravagant shoes, if people ask, I usually just look at them and ask them why they ask, or why they want to know and depending on their reply and my gut feeling I give my answer. I won't deny it, but I tend to side track, I do ride so that's an easy answer for the crops and whips, the shoes are fashion and I like the Goth look...

Seriously, there is no right or wrong, but remember that once you're out, you can't go back into the closet and it might come and bite you in the ass. I'm not trying to make you paranoid but think what you have to gain from being all out? If you don't need to apply for jobs and all that because you're independently wealthy, cool, great. Just most of us don't have that luxury and you never know how a boss or colleagues will react. Of course if you're out, nobody can ever blackmail you, but in all honesty, somebody who only does it in the missionary position is possibly not "out" about it, certain things are private.

Don't have pictures about yourself floating around, facial recognition software is becoming more and more sophisticated, have an alternative email address that is NOT in your real name, keep your BDSM correspondence and the rest separate. Use some common sense, you don't have to be paranoid and look over your shoulder all the time, but keep some things private.
I know with the information age, Facebook and all that it's quite tempting to share more than is possibly wise, about every day you read about somebody being fired because they tweeted something they shouldn't have tweeted, or put stuff on Facebook they thought only their friends would see - and whoops, somebody takes a screen shot and sends it to the boss anonymously...

Again, if you are out or not, it's up to you, but just ask yourself what you have to gain and what you have to lose... Especially if you just found BDSM and you are in a mad feeding frenzy, it can be easy to be carried away and do something you might regret later. Just use some common sense, that's all I ask, you wouldn't tell everybody that you like having sex doggie style - so why tell everybody that you're into getting whipped or spanked....