Whenever BDSM comes up and somebody is sneaking around the wife, a lot of people raise the finger and point out how dishonest it was to get involved, knowing your spouse doesn't share it...
To be honest, yes, it would be better if you would have thought about it before you got involved, but let's face it, we don't have much of a choice who we fall in love with and maybe you really thought those desires and urges would go away, or maybe they weren't quite as prominent as they are now. I'm not giving you a free pass for cheating on your spouse, but if you insisting on it would mess up the relationship, then by all means rather than force your wife or girlfriend to do something she'd hate, take it outside and then your best option is a pro domme.
The problem a lot of people have is talking to their other half and explaining, it's a bit easier for women, with submissive guys the main worry the woman will have is if you aren't going to change. There are a lot of rumours about and a lot of misconceptions about BDSM and her hearing that you have submissive feelings, she is bound to worry how the whole relationship will change. It's your job to reassure her that you are not planning to change the whole relationship (and in case you do and she doesn't want that, do what's right and let her go - long term you are both going to be unhappy), that you aren't expecting her to lead you around on a leash day in day out or keep you in a cage under the bed.
Proceed with caution is all I can say, and think how you bring it up, might be a good idea to share a bottle of wine and watch a movie that is a little bit kinky to bring it up, or talk about music, BDSM images are in most music videos, a great opening to mention something innocent like "Have you ever experimented with BDSM?"
In case she denies it and wonders why you ask: "The clothes are so hot and I thought about it a few times, as long as it's not too extreme..."
Don't shock her away with your wildest desires, give her time to get used to it. Also have a few things at hand, that maybe blindfolds or tying somebody to the bed is already a mild form of BDSM, now who hasn't done that at least once, it will look less scary to her ;)
Always make sure she understands that you want to try it with HER, you trust her, you feel comfortable enough with her... No woman wants to get the feeling that she's just a fetish delivery system, so tell her she would look great in boots, how much it turns you on to see her in them, how much more it would turn you on to see her just in boots...
Once you made her curious and she's willing to experiment a bit with you, again go slow, and after each experiment, be super super attentive and loving (flowers, doing something she wants to do, cuddles, etc.), yes in a way you do condition her to see kink as something very rewarding, something positive... She might even take advantage of it and initiate kinky things more often.
You should also ask what her boundaries are, what she can imagine, what would turn her on, and while I don't think you should get her mindlessly drunk (dangerous and how much fun is it if somebody has to interrupt to run and vomit...) if a glass of wine or a glass of champagne just makes her a bit more relaxed, go for it.
For a lot of people it's super helpful if they're doing some kind of role play, you might even go to a hotel first to play there, pretend that she picks you up at the bar or something like that. A lot of times it will make it easier for her, she can just pretend to be somebody else, it might even turn her own...
Also make sure that she knows everything is consensual and that she can stop at any point, use the simple traffic light code:
Green: Everything is fine
Yellow: Careful
Red: Stop straight away
What's really important is that you shouldn't expect that it will work from today to tomorrow, give her time, don't push too far and don't stop being her partner otherwise, unless she indicates that she wants to take more control. Give her enough time to get used to something and get comfortable with it before you push further.
You know there is an excellent book you should consider getting for you and your girlfriend/wife:
When Someone You Love Is Kinky
Excellent advice as usual Lady C. I think it's very important to pamper your spouse and treat her like a Queen if you want her to explore D/s with you. It's really important that she knows there is something in it for her beyond being a "fetish delivery system" as you say. What wife doesn't want a husband who is attentive, goes above and beyond to please her and gives her sincere devotion? I always advise guys to lead with service oriented submission and bring the kinky play in gradually.
ReplyDeleteWill "converting" your SO always work? Of course not. But if it doesn't work I think it's better to know about the compatibility problem before you tie the knot. The alternative is sneaking around behind her back. While I agree that is sometimes the only way I don't think it's the best solution. A submissive guy really should try to find someone he is compatible with if he wants a happy and fulfilling marriage.
When I confessed my kinky desires to Her Majesty she told me to go out and buy her a "real whip". That was my first clue that I had found a precious gem among the flotsam! ;-)
I think the D/s thing is possibly the easiest because which woman doesn't like a bit of pampering, but even just SM it's always better to start small and easy and letting the partner getting used to it instead of scaring her off. The horror stories I have heard from women about guys showing up with gimp suits, strapons, whips out of the blue, without a talk, and expecting her to go for it - that's as ham fisted as you can get.
DeleteHey, I got started with a bit of bondage and look where it ended...
Whenever I talked to women, their biggest fear was that they would lose their loving partner and would get a cliche slave instead, I think it's important to reassure her that things aren't going to change and that it's HER and not some exchangable woman in fetish gear.
As you said, never a guarantee, but worth taking a chance instead of complaining that the spouse isn't into it...
The thing that strikes me (no pun intended) most about this post is the care and thoughtfulness with which it is offered.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to imagine a world where just one additional percent of people adopted a like-minded attitude.
What you have said is spot on, I've been married and divorced precisely because I did not follow this path. Rather than try to convert her I think I tried to believe I could leave my desires behind and 'be normal'. It simply didn't work for me. We both would have been much better served with simple honesty on my part.
Yasak, I'm sorry that you had to make those experiences and I'd be glad to know a little bit less about how painful it is for everybody involved, but been through the process of talking to partners a few times and far too many of my friends were a bit "ham fisted" and not delicate enough, once they mustered up the courage to tell their partners.
DeleteA lot of women react positive on being introduced to BDSM in a very gentle way, it's like learning to read, you don't expect that a first grader will take to War & Peace...