BDSM and Abuse

It comes up again and again and for a lot of people not involved with BDSM it looks like there is abuse going on, the big difference is that it is consensual!

Honestly, I can't stress enough how important it is that it IS consensual.

There is NO excuse for not respecting a safe word, if people who know each other and have a rapport decide to play without a safe word, great, not a problem, however if anybody announces right off the bat that they will not respect your limits or a safe word, don't walk - RUN.

Some people are thrill seekers and all that, and while I'm not somebody who would rely on a safe word (I explain in a bit), when getting to know somebody, you have to learn about their boundaries and some people have trigger points where you just push them much too far, pushing somebody way beyond their endurance can cause a pretty serious trauma, maybe not physical but leaving mental scars is not covered by consensual play!

Why I don't want to rely on safe words is simple, when the endorphines are flying, it can be pretty difficult for a masochist to recognize what is going on, as the top you really have to watch their body language, it might just feel too good for them to call a stop. Think about it in terms of a happy drunk who's flying high and doesn't realize that he's close to alcohol poisoning. 

But truthfully, that's another issue than abuse. 

I was just reading somewhere, where a woman rejected a dominant because he seemed to have anger issues and threatened to blacken her eyes if she says something to him. That's for me seriously crossing the line, hurting somebody out of anger is not BDSM or consensual, it's being out of control, if the top is out of control, accidents happen.

No problem with a role play where you pretend to be angry, or maybe even some punishment, but boys and girls, don't play with angry people, as exciting as it may seem at first glimpse, you only got this one body.

Seriously, if it would be my hide on the line, I'd be giving somebody a grilling of the 9th degree before I would even consider getting in a situation where I would be vunerable.

If you have issues trusting somebody, don't trust them with your health or life! Being stupid is not an attractive trait in a bottom!

End of rant!

New to BDSM

New to this

Yeah, we’ve all started somewhere and having those desires and realizing that they possibly won’t go away, that you really want to find out about it all, see if it is for you or if it isn’t seems like a good idea. A lot better than being unhappy and wishing for something but not doing anything to make it come true…

Now of course there are several hurdles, when it comes to life-style play and you just want to try things out, it’s a bit difficult to find a Domme who’ll just indulge you and do all of this just so you can figure out if you do or don’t want it, can’t blame them, you’d possibly react the same way.

Then it’s a question of supply and demand, there is a much much greater supply of submissives than there are of Dommes, luck is just not on your side, unless of course you got movie star looks, then you might be a bit luckier, better get rid of that paunch then ASAP ;)

There are a 101 reasons why you might have trouble finding a life-style Mistress, now if you are in a relationship or you don’t have all that much time you can devote to going to munches, or you simply don’t want to wait months and years until you find somebody who is willing to play with you, it might just make sense to go and see a pro Domme as long as you keep a few things in mind:

-       Be honest, tell her that you’re not experienced  (if you don’t believe me that it’s important, check for Mr Bullwhip)

-       Communicate, let her know what you are interested in, I know it’s difficult but what are you fantasizing about? Yep, that’s an interest. Something you absolutely don’t want to happen (say crossdressing really turns you off, or other men) that would be a hard limit – simple, isn’t it?

-       Don’t get fooled by pictures, make sure you have a bit of chemistry, can you talk to her when you call her up? Good! Of course you should find her attractive, that is important, but she doesn’t need to be your dream woman, you aren’t going to marry her!

-       No matter how good the session is, do not fall in love, do not get in head over heels, you booked a service, of course you should enjoy it but it’s not a date, she’s not your girlfriend. Do us a favour and read THIS

With permission from Ms Maya Midnight, here is a great essay about how to book a session, with all the pointers a newbie or a more seasoned player might need: Newbie Guide To Seeing Pro Dommes

Listen guys, as long as you keep a clear head, you communicate well and you do your research, not a lot can go wrong!

Exclusivity and Honesty…

I broached the subject before but it came up on MF again, even if it was in a slightly different context…

Let’s just assume that a guy keeps telling his Domme that he is exclusive to her and keeps on boring her out of her latex clothes by telling her how utterly devoted he is to her and that he would never ever see somebody else, she’s the only one, blah blah… (I know what you think, BS as usual).

Guy then uses “one and only Domme” as a reference when he is trying to see another Domme , of course he doesn’t tell his Domme (yeah, you know the “one and only one”) about that, and so she finds out that he’s a liar and used her name… To top it all off he even used a different name and then freaked out because she didn’t remember (yeah, if you want a reference as Joe and she only knows you as Mike….).

Result, she kicks him to the curb, other Domme also refuses to see him, dumped client first tries to pretend, both had a fight over him, because he’s so wonderful and gets blasted by both Dommes, who have no beef with each other but both don’t really fancy seeing a liar.

Mr. Dumped who decided to quit the scene, like FOREVER (drama llama alert), comes back the next day and complains loudly that he needs to find another Domme, and how tragic it is that his old Domme is losing income and a regular customer (yes, he’s talking about HIMSELF).

Am I the only one who finds it funny that he pretends to be worried about the income of somebody who doesn’t want him as a client?

Is anybody really surprised that said guy is now bugging both Dommes so much that they feel stalked?

I have my own views on exclusivity in a professional relationship, as long as you are happy with it, fine, but we aren’t married, I’m not going to stop seeing other guys for sessions, it’s your money, so it would be kinda hypocritical to expect you to not ever look at another Domme. I mean, if the sessions are great and you’re enjoying them, chances are that you don’t want to see another Domme. I’m not against it, but I see this whole exclusivity thing as a dangerous sword. Because BDSM is pretty intense and a lot of you guys go to pro Dommes because you have no other outlet, it’s condensed and pretty heady stuff. Like having a glass of wine after a long period of abstinence, it’s going to your head and it might cloud your vision.

Often enough you guys get a bit too attached and we have to disentangle, since nobody wants to have “the talk” (chances are you feel rejected and your feelings are hurt that I don’t want you for myself exclusively), I’ll be a sneaky bitch and claim that I won’t have time but there’s this marvellous other Domme and you should really see her…

Basically what you’ll realize is that we might have great chemistry, but yeah, there are other Dommes out there, that we’re not doing something magical, but that you are getting your kinks met (and hopefully I’ll have some fun – well I better do because otherwise I won’t be seeing you again, buster).

You know, I also really enjoy hearing about experiences you had with other Dommes, how you reacted and all that, it might inspire me to try something new. Or there is the chance that you really want to try something that I’m simply not into and if I’m not into it, I just won’t do it, so why shouldn’t you have that experience with somebody else?

What you shouldn’t do is lie to me about it, pretend you don’t want to see anybody else and then through the grapevine I hear who you have seen, where and when. You know what, tell me and I’ll actually might set up the date for you and I can guarantee you, a referral from another Domme WORKS, like a charm.

It’s actually in my own interest if I recommend you to somebody and it’s a great experience for you, helps you to trust me a bit more, so our sessions get better, you come back “fresh”, imagine I recommend somebody who I know you don’t like and you have a horrible session – what is going to happen is you don’t want to session for a while and you have a bad feeling about sessions in general, so I have to work much harder…

I know, I know, I am beating that old horse to death, but guys, a bit of honesty never harmed anybody…

And for exclusivity – you’re possibly married and your wife doesn’t know that you see me, not my business to judge, it’s YOUR relationship, but you’re sneaking around her – do you really need a Domme who wants you to swear fidelity to her?

BDSM and betrayal

-->

The theme comes up from time to time if it is betrayal if somebody is married and sees a pro domme, if you want to have everything in black and white and no shades of grey or colours exist in your world, then it’s of course a betrayal, unless you have the permission of your SO.

Now only if life would always be so simple… So many people think they can suppress their craving for BDSM and it doesn’t always work this way. Falling in love often makes you think everything is possible and that you can change. It’s also possible to fall in love with a person and love somebody you share your life with, without sharing every aspect of your sexuality with that person.

If your spouse is simply not into BDSM, and you force her to do something that she hates, it’s simply wrong.  I believe forcing somebody who’s vanilla to the core to play your domme and the person hates it every second, you just build up resentment and damage your relationship beyond repair. Apart from the fact that it comes close to abuse, have you considered how your partner may feel about it?

I shouldn’t have to say it again, but I think it can’t be said enough: Somebody who isn’t into BDSM is not narrow minded, is not boring or uptight and all that, they are simply not wired that way. Just like you might not be wired to find men sexually attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, just like there is nothing wrong with us. Being different doesn’t make you right or wrong, being into BDSM doesn’t make you a better and more open minded person (if you doubt me, have a look at MF).

I’ve said before that I met the nicest and most open minded people through BDSM, and it’s true, but to be fair, I also met the scummiest racist assholes, misogynists, bigoted wankers and backstabbing, stalking dirtbags through it. All it is is a sexual preference, doesn’t make you morally superior, more open minded and all that.

Would be nice if you could trust everybody who’s into BDSM, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t! Just like with everything else you should be careful who you trust, because the real scumbags are good at hiding their identity.

Getting back to the theme, it would be preferable if you could get your spouse to have an interest into BDSM, it won’t always work and you don’t want to shock her, so be careful with what you tell her and how you tell her. Give her time to get used to it and start with VERY MILD activities.

Now in case she balks and is shocked if you bring up some very mild activities like some mild bondage, don’t push any further and just let it rest.  Pressuring her won’t help, it will be a good way to mess up your relationship.

In case you won’t be happy without certain activities from time to time, go and see a pro domme. If you know the wife would freak out, well then shut the fuck up about it. You have to be aware that your first responsibility is to your wife and your family, that’s why I said go to a pro and keep it as a business transaction, don’t fool yourself into thinking this is the new great romance and you should leave your family for her. Do your best to hide it from your wife. I know it’s not honest, but in this case, honesty would only hurt your spouse, she would start to doubt herself, wonder why she can’t be everything for you and all that. Hardly anybody can be everything for somebody else.

Here’s a very sobering thought, I know a lot of people who got married because they were BDSM compatible, and in a lot of cases the guy simply loses all clear vision, it’s almost like a sub feeding frenzy: For the 1^st time there is somebody who indulges him and satisfies his kinks, they often get so blinded that they marry in a rush, only to find out that hardly anybody can live it 24/7. It’s the equivalent of vanilla people having great sex. Sorry for being crude, but a good fuck doesn’t make somebody compatible in other aspects or a good life partner. Long term you need a hell lot more than kink compatibility and infatuation.

So in case you decided to see a pro because you would be unhappy suppressing your BDSM desires, you owe it to your spouse (in case she would be hurt to find out) to make sure she will never find out. You also owe it to your family to not deprive them of money, if you can’t afford it, skip your lunch and save up for it. I know not nice, but tell yourself that it’s part of your service if it makes it easier. Go for the cheap option. Clean out the attic or the cellar and sell a lot of the stuff you don’t need on eBay, Craig’s List or Gumtree.

Apart from that, if you feel guilty, deal with it, don’t use the excuse that you want to be honest about it and burden your wife with the knowledge. Your feelings for her don’t change, if she’s not wired to share BDSM with you, knowing about it would make her unhappy, just so you could feel a bit better about “having been honest”. All you do is burden her with it so you feel a bit better and have the excuse of being honest.

It’s not her fault that she doesn’t like BDSM, just like it’s not your fault that you like it, but you owe it to her and yourself to keep your feelings in check, don’t session like crazy and make sure your family isn’t lacking anything.

Oh and something else, if you treat her like your personal servant, expect her to do everything in the house, have your dinner on the table on time and all that -  you’re not encouraging her to be a dominant, especially if you only want her to be dominant when and however it suits you. Think about that one before you claim the next time that you’re wife is just boring vanilla!

Btw here is a pretty good video, though it must be a bit old or quite a bit away from Central London, £150 an hour doesn't seem to be realistic for London, especially for the outrageous rents there.

 

The perfect session

-->

How to…

Well how to have the perfect session is one of the questions that gets asked frequently, and to be honest, I can’t give you any guarantees, nobody can. It does help if you communicate clearly what you are looking for, do your research and keep a clear head, and be aware that there is a difference between fantasy and reality. In your fantasy something might be really really exciting, in reality the pain or whatever activity was so exciting in your fantasy, simply might not turn you on

I know it can be taunting and actually quite embarrassing to phrase what you want, your doubts and your insecurities, but trust me, most dommes have heard it all. What’s better, being embarrassed for 5 minutes or spending 2 or 300 bucks for a session that didn’t quite turn out as you planned because you didn’t tell her?

Sessions really depend so much on chemistry, I always find it so funny if people ask me what my all time favourite activity is, I honestly can’t tell you, because it depends so much on the person I play with. Something that has me more or less salivating with somebody, it can leave me completely cold with somebody else.

So when it comes to booking sessions, I would seriously recommend to look for somebody who has similar interests, but even more than that, somebody you have a vibe with.  Looks have a lot to do with it, but don’t get hung up on looks, model looks don’t automatically mean a great session, as long as you are attracted to the domme, that’s really all it takes.

Over the years, I have seen some really stunning women, of course guys will flock to them first, but more than once the same guys came out of a session with a long face. All too often they just relied on their looks. That’s not to say that every gorgeous domme doesn’t know what she is doing, some are amazing, but you have to talk to them, find out about them and if they’d be right for you. Does she listen to what you are looking for and actually talk to you, asks questions and makes sure she understands it?

Seeing a domme is a bit like going to a restaurant, if you don’t like rice, best avoid Asian restaurants, if you don’t like it spicy, Mexican is possibly out…  You do your research and you are trying to find a dish that you will like. It’s really not so different.

Or imagine buying a suit or shoes, one pair might look great but they just don’t fit right…

Talk to a few dommes, get a feel for them, you don’t have to waste their time but you can have interactions with them. Trust your gut feeling, but remember, it’s a session, it’s really not a life-partner. And also bear in mind that your fantasies are almost always a lot better, fantasies don’t hurt, everything happens just like you want it to happen. Unless you find a domme who’s also a mind reader, it’s not very likely that it will happen in session just as perfect as in your fantasy. Try and be open minded and get her input, she might have some ideas herself… In case she doesn’t, well, do you want to spend money on somebody who doesn’t even want to give you input?

The sad reality is there really is no guarantee for a stellar session, but you can do your part to minimize the risk a bit. Also if you are not too hung up on your fantasy and open minded about letting the domme work within a range, you might do a lot better if you’re open minded and you don’t want your fantasy replicated in real life, that’s almost always a recipe for disaster. Even if you have experience and you’re looking for another domme, take each woman as a new experience and not a replacement for the previous domme, you get much more out of it this way!

Basically getting a good session is a bit of a gamble, most of the sessions where guys claimed they were stellar (apart from the usual BS when they are still flying high on endorphins and you have to take it with a grain of salt anyway), looking back, from just the activities they weren’t all that stellar or outrageous, we just happened to have fairly good chemistry, which often really makes all the difference.

I'm just a worthless worm...

Worthless worms…

Sorry, I’m a bit down today, got to do with the date and losing some friends 11 years ago, I rather not dwell on it so I’m having a rant about an email I got from a “worthless worm not worthy, blah blah blah”

Seriously, why would any domme worth her salt want a worthless worm? I mean if there are men with self-respect, intelligence, brains, manners and all that willing to sub and play, why on earth would I pick somebody who likens himself to a rather disgusting decomposer? Nothing against worms, real ones, they do serve a purpose, a guy claiming he’s a worthless worm serves no purpose, he’s simply disgusting and to be honest a bit of an insult. What he’s saying is that I can’t do better, well, sorry about that, but I think I can!

I get the humiliation aspect, though I have to admit it’s not one of my great preferences, but seriously, if you’re into degradation, shouldn’t I degrade you, calling yourself a worthless worm is a little bit of DIY degradation, so where’s the point?

This whole “worthless” spiel also makes me think of somebody who’s mentally retarded or simply not well grounded in life, those are seriously not people I want to have close and personal interactions with. Sorry, I had my fair share of crazy stalkers and psychopaths, I’m trying to avoid them actively, so a message that basically has “CRAZY” blinking in red letters all over, just ain’t going to happen, duckie! I just don’t feel suicidal enough to even entertain the idea of meeting up with you…

I said it before and I say it again, BDSM is a sport for grown ups, I want to play with somebody who’s grown up, somebody who’s aware of the risks and takes them willingly because let’s face it, SSC is a myth, there is nothing safe or sane about what we do, all we can hope for is being risk aware.

And call me a pervert (nothing wrong with that), but it’s just so much more fun to play with somebody who’s intelligent and clued up, who does it willingly and not out of desperation, who does it for ME, because he considers me worthy, not because he thinks he’s unworthy. Somebody I can be depraved with, somebody who enjoys things that would have your average guy call the cops or at least a shrink, and we’re both enjoying ourselves. And after we’ve done all of that, there is still the respect for each other as intelligent human beings. And we can sit down, have a glass of wine and discuss the world – as equals. Talk about something that’s really mind blowing!

Dress Code

Guys, seriously if you wonder what to wear to a session with a pro domme, you do need a reality check. Look, you’re coming for a professional session, you’re going to spend the time naked or in bondage, do you really think we care about your fashion sense? You're not coming for a date, you're coming in for a professional session!

Let’s get this straight, you are a client, you pay, we dress up, we dominate you for about 60 minutes and you leave, your fashion choices don’t concern us half as much as your personal hygiene. Trust me, there is nothing worse than some guy who smells quite unpleasant and tried to camouflage it by an overdose of deodorant and cologne.

Personal hygiene also includes a bit of man-scaping, you know we really don’t like brillo pads down south, and the Brazilian rain forest is only beautiful as the lung of the planet. We do understand if you come straight from work and there is a difference between not showered for days and not being fresh as a daisy after a day of work. If you need to freshen up quickly, let us know or have some wet wipes with you.

 There’s nothing wrong with asking us for a cup of coffee or a drink, so in case you plan that, just be presentable, but don’t go overboard and let us know beforehand, so we also know what to wear. But if you’re just coming for a session, don’t over think it.

In case you want to impress somebody with your snappy dress sense, get dressed up for your wife or girlfriend, honestly, she’ll appreciate it a lot more than we do, and it will do your relationship a lot of good.

Now if you're going to met a life-style domme, get dressed up, wear something nice because you're aiming for a relationship. Instead of guessing, ask her where she wants to go to and dress accordingly, or ask her for her dress preferences and what she thinks she should wear. That’s a completely different issue than seeing a professional domme.

 Oh and if you're going to a fetish party, have some fetish wear, seriously, we don't want to walk around with a guy who thinks a pair of black briefs is fetish wear.

End of rant

Dommes, escorts and everything in between

I’m so fed up with the whole “hierarchy” or imagined hierarchy in the adult industry, porn actresses believe they are above escorts, dommes believe they are better than escorts and look down on them, while escorts look down on dommes because they do all that “crazy and perverted shit”. Then of course you got the lifestyle dommes who think that all pro dommes are prostitutes and they can look down on the pro dommes… In case of the disgruntled life-style dommes, the answer is relatively simple, most pro-dommes are simply more attractive (they have to be, because guys don’t pick dommes for their unattractiveness) and usually have better fetish wear and equipment. The difference between a hobby cook and somebody who cooks for a living and can create a dish on command. So there is the problem with the life-stylers who dislike pros, well, nothing anybody can do about it, though I tend to not help out the ones who bitch that much about pros. Kinda pisses me off, because sorry gals, if you dislike them so much, you don’t want any help from an ex-pro. Now the other bit about dommes thinking they are high and mighty and so far above escorts, get a fucking grip. In case you’re in the U.S., do you really really think that when you get busted the cops care if you touched a guys penis to give him sexual gratification or pain? If you think they do, you really need a dose of reality. OK, you don’t have sex with them, they don’t penetrate you, don’t give them anything that ends with job, but you know what? Legally it doesn’t matter one bit if he has an orgasm or not, you touched his privates ZING… Now if you stuck needles into his dick, oh well, guess what, then you can also be done for all sorts of things, stuff like practising medicine without a license and all that jazz, so they come down on you like a ton of bricks. I totally get it that pro-dommes don’t do what escorts do, but that’s a personal choice, the law doesn’t see you as one bit different and it doesn’t make you better. Just think about it, if you get busted as a dominatrix, you can bet that your picture graces the tabloids, if you’re just an escort, unless you got high profile clients or you work in a high profile job otherwise, nobody gives a damn about it. In fact, people will feel a lot more sympathetic towards the “poor hooker” than towards the “dangerous perv in leather or latex”, simply because they don’t understand BDSM, but they understand sex drive and everybody likes to fuck! Instead of moaning and groaning and looking down at escorts, be damned glad that they are around and learn from them, because instead of bitching and fighting, they warn each other when it comes to stings or dangerous clients and know how to screen! And while we’re at it, isn’t the BDSM community always moaning about lack of tolerance? How about showing a bit more tolerance to others like escorts, you know, they’re also human beings, they got a story, there is a reason why they do what they do, just like you have a reason to do what you do and be a domme. And you know if another woman doesn’t have a problem with being an escort, who the hell are you to mind? Because the law treats you both as a prostitute, so get off your high horse, because there is nothing dominant about being deluded!

Mainstream BDSM

I’m kind of backing off a bit in regards to 50 Shades, don’t get me wrong, there is still no literary merit in the book, the writing is seriously awful (why couldn’t they afford a good editor?), but I am realizing that it does change the perception of people in regards to BDSM.

Seeing women reading it openly everywhere, guys benefitting from the wet panties of their spouses, couples experimenting with mild BDSM in the bedroom, the idea of a Domme Reality Show being tossed around openly, magazines writing about integrating mild BDSM into your foreplay or bedroom antics, we are really really coming out of the shadow here with big steps.

It’s pretty hard to demonize something that you’ve tried yourself and possibly found really exciting. I remember reading my grannies gossip magazines, and there were those discrete ads for vibrators, pretty hilarious, women were holding them against their cheek or forehead and they were advertised as releasing tension and massaging away headaches… HA HA HA Well, that was before Viagra ;) Sex shops were hidden away in backstreets and as a child I really didn’t know why some shops had dark curtains on the shop windows (usually in backstreets around the station), asking mom or a relative who brought me to the paediatrician what’s in there (I was always an inquisitive gal), usually resulted in a sharp tug on the arm and a conversation about something completely else, often it involved getting an ice-cream cone! You bet that I learned pretty quick that stores with dark windows meant ice-cream and I became an expert at spotting them!

As a teenager, I finally twigged but thought they were more or less costume shops, the grown up equivalent for toga parties, but by then they were a lot less hidden and had actually some costumes in the shop windows, usually they looked like cheap carnival or Halloween costumes, very shiny… They actually had those boots from Pretty Woman in the shop window of a “speciality shoe shop” near Munich’s main station called “Exotic Heels”, the ones I lusted after ever since seeing the movie, I thought they would look really cool and Goth with my blue black hair and asymmetrical hairstyle, mom propelled me away ASAP…

A few years later I actually went into one of the “sex shops” with a friend, we had partied the night away (students, yay) and I confessed that I was never in one of them and my friend dragged me in. Actually it was a bit of a let down, I expected some sleaze and smut, but it looked so clinical, brightly lit and shiny, the lady behind the counter wore a white lab coat, was middle aged and had the typical frizzy mommy perm and asked if we are looking for toys, films or clothing. All very matter of fact and business like. I must have looked like a gold fish out of water, mouth opening and closing… It really was a bit of a let down, especially since the costumes that looked so marvellous, shiny, kinky and naughty, in the shop window (naughty nurse, cop, school teacher or girl, you got the idea) just seemed to be cheap plastic and polyester rubbish on closer inspection. Seriously, you could find a lot better stuff in any of the London Goth shops, cheaper and sexier too…

I think BDSM is going kinda the same way, I mean after my first experience with an “Adult Store” – the fear and slightly naughty feel about thinking of going into one of them was off. Some years later I actually bought a really good corset in one of those stores, not a cheap corselet, a proper steel boned corset, black silk outside and inside cotton. Cost me about as much as one of the cheap polyester ones would have cost me in a BDSM store.

It was around the time when I realized that a lot of the online shops actually charged more for fetish items than sex or BDSM stores, always being an enterprising nature, with a bunch of other students, we decided to make money from it. We went to thrift stores on a raid and bought everything that looked vaguely naughty dirt cheap and put it on eBay. Soon enough it actually paid a lot more than the student jobs we had (that was before they taxed and limited) and we found another niche – big sizes for cross dressers. We figured that anything people are embarrassed to be seen shopping will do well on the net and it really was worth our time and effort ;)

There were some hilariously funny incidents, like the guy buying the leather skirt for his friend, but asked how the female size translates to male size, err yeah… Then a rather large Laura Ashley dress, a left over from the 80’s, super frilly and we only bought it because for 15 (Euros or DM, not a clue anymore) with the tags still attached we thought we could run the risk. Add a Zero to the price and that is what we sold it for, prompt payment, we sent it off and a few days later we got a thank you mail with a picture attached… Bearded, heavily tattooed guy who looked like a trucker had poured himself into the dress, but in a way it was really cool how much he enjoyed it and for a while we were sort of pen friends, we were all girls and he had so many questions about makeup. It was really cool. I don’t think he was a TV, from the way he sounded, he just seemed to enjoy wearing feminine clothes. Made me wonder a bit why our society is so narrow minded. With our group and all being a little bit Goth leaning, a guy in a black kilt wasn’t something that shocked us, and from the guy in a kilt to a guy in a dress wanting to be feminine – not such a huge jump, really…

You know I’m still feeling a bit sad when I think about how many guys feel the need to hide it because it’s not considered “normal” behaviour. We girls got the liberty of wearing dresses, frills, or even men’s clothes (yeah, wearing a black T-shirt today that’s from the men’s department – most girlie T-shirts do have some stupid print or they’re cut a bit short and with hipsters, I don’t want to flash my ass crack about) and nobody bats an eye. Pretty fucked up that guys don’t have that liberty because some knuckle dragging ape will bully them.

I recall coming back a bit earlier one day and the boyfriend of that time wore my silk nighty, it was actually the top of an oversized silk PJ and I loved the feel of it Yeah it did give me a pause for a moment, but he was completely cool about it and mentioned how lovely it feels and it resulted in me going out and buying him some stuff and playing dress up with him. Funny, never liked playing with dolls, but when it comes to a bit of gender bending… We had a pretty good and adventurous sex life anyway and I still look back fondly (and try not to remember the fact that he was a cheating bastard with a wandering dick), it simply wasn’t such a big deal but just a bit of fun.

The way porn infiltrated the mainstream, I think BDSM is doing the same and it really is a great thing. Imagine you are drawn to something and you always feel the need to hide it or everybody will look at you in a weird way?

If people read and see more about it, and maybe experiment with it a bit themselves, no matter how mild, they won’t fear us as much, because let’s face it, we are a really tame bunch, yeah, some of the stuff might appear pretty violent, but hell, there is a lot of difference between whipping a willing participant and some wife beating thug or domestic violence.

I guess people start asking them selves if we are really that different, let’s face it, where do you draw the difference between vanilla and BDSM? Who hasn’t experimented a bit with tying somebody to the bed, maybe a blind fold, a bit of tease and denial, most couples who think BDSM is pretty horrible and freaky have done something along those lines, when they realize that we’re not all that different, maybe their attitude is going to relax and we are less the freak show.

And let me tell you, if shoe and foot fetishes would really be such a rare thing and belong exclusively in the realm of BDSM, then Jimmy Choo, Louboutin, Zanotti and all the rest wouldn't be quite so filthy rich and successful...

If it takes a poorly written book like 50 Shades to get them there, hey, I’m all for it! Bring on the cheesy novels, bring on the Domme Reality Shows shows and all the rest.

Btw that's the fabled corset...

Sorry for the bad blank out, but I don't have Photoshop (so I can't magivally lose 10 lbs) but I don't want to give my STALKER ammunition

BDSM Scandal - "Real Life 50 Shades of Grey"

Currently there is a scandal about a banker with his submissive girlfriend, of course the media labels it a real life 50 Shades, to be honest that is a good thing, because it means they are possibly not going to get dragged through the dirt as much as in the past.

I have no clue what happened, apart from what the gossip rags said, and we all know that they won’t let facts get in the way of a good story, but by all accounts, it just sounds like another relationship that has gone sour, if it wouldn’t be for the BDSM aspect, nobody would give a damn about it. There are tons of relationships that go sour every day, police gets called in because things escalate a bit, it happens but you don’t read about it in the papers.

This one seems to be a bit more restrained than the usual stuff, maybe because it’s a dominant and successful male and the general public is more inclined to sympathize with him being a bit kinky and “masculine”?

I’ve seen people label her as a victim who “endured all that pain”, well sorry, it was a BDSM relationship, I have a hunch that she might have enjoyed the pain, there are male and female masochists around and it doesn’t seem that the whippings are what caused the blow up, it seems it was that he strayed and found somebody else. So take out the BDSM stuff and it’s just a run of the mill breakup and the party who’s left behind gets angry. Nothing fucking newsworthy about it.

Happened to a friend of mine, only the scumbag left her with 3 small kids and a mortgage, dodged support payments and decided to start again with a young girl he knocked up. Chances are he’s going to leave her as well when the novelty wears off, but that’s her problem, getting involved with somebody who was in a relationship – duh, if he does it to somebody else for you, chances are he’ll do it for you, floors me how people can’t really figure that one out…

Anyway, she was struggling and almost lost her home, guess what? Wasn’t newsworthy because it’s far too common, guess if she would have thrown a whip or a pair of handcuffs in, it would have been different... /Sarcasm off

With what happened in the publicized breakup, I’m not freaking taking sides, maybe she was a pain to live with, maybe she just couldn’t deal with him breaking up with her, maybe he was playing around and was an ass about it – who the fuck knows and unless you are friends with them and know the inside story, why take sides?

It’s enough that a relationship has gone sour, common stuff that happens every day, just let them deal with it on their own. Why splash their faces all over the media?

Yes, the guy might have had pictures of him and tons of pretty women up on his site, he didn’t make a big secret of his life-style, nor did she, but then in fairness, she’s a fetish model, but that doesn’t mean that he wanted his clients to see the pics, and for them to discover it, they would have to have the same interest. Completely different story to some gossip rags exploiting it so they sell a few more papers.

To be honest, I hope that all his clients go “What a stud” and that his business thrives, and I hope she is getting lots and lots of model work due to the exposure, it would make up for being dragged through the media. 

And kudos to them for not talking to the media or giving statements! Let them starve, they aren’t publicity hungry celebs playing it out for PR reasons, they are private people who’s private lives are getting dragged through the mud!

For those who go “Oh well, but it’s BDSM and they went to parties” – oh yeah, so what? I mean how would anybody like it to see glorious details of their relationship being splashed all over the news? You know stuff like that you only do it in the missionary position, that your encounters only last minutes and all that shit. It’s just nobody’s business…

Oh and I hope that all the pictures were copyrighted and somebody is going to sue those rags for using them!

I just saw that she talked to the media - how crazy is that? I mean the NY Post? Doesn't she realize that they are just going to gobble her up and spit her out?

Though there is one thing, the whole thing is a bit less vicious than usual, I think it does have to do with the success of 50 Shades and with the fact that more and more people are open about being at least interested in BDSM. It's a bit harder for the media to paint us all as freakazoids and dirty perverts, when a lot of us lead perfectly normal lives, just with a bit of spice, and fetish clothes and a bit of whipping or bondage, is it really so much different from wearing sexy lingerie and foreplay? The women who have read 50 Shades and had a case of damp panties, and the husbands and boyfriends who benefited from the arousal of their spouses and might have experimented with a bit of BDSM themselves, they are less inclined to see us all some type of sex-crazed subhumans, so yes, something is won by being less hidden. Because people tend to fear what they don't know, if they learn about BDSM, they realize there really is nothing to fear and it's all consensual...

Another news flash, the lady in question maintains that she never spoke with the NY Post and the whole interview is a fabrication...  Quite shocking, unless you remember it's a Murdoch paper and they didn't mind hacking private phones, parents of soldiers who lost their lives in Afghanistan, so they could have 1st hand pictures about the shock, politicians, celebs, you name it... Wouldn't be the first time the Murdoch empire forgets all about ethics, mind you they don't seem to remember much about journalism anyway. 
Let's hope the latest 2 victims take them on and that they make an equal amount of money as Max Mosely made!

In case you see an edition of the NY Post anywhere, just email their advertisers and tell them why you won't buy their products anymore, the NY Post won't be around for long with out advertisers...

What do you really want?

Spoiler alert: If you're a foot fetishist, you may want to skip this or have your dreams shattered!

I really don't know why I've been thinking about this a lot all of a sudden, but when I was active as a pro domme, the most annoying clients weren't the ones that wanted stuff I wasn't prepared to offer, you could easily get rid of them by recommending somebody who'd be more willing to engage on that level of "physical intimacy", the truly annoying ones were the ones who thought you had to be a mind reader.

Honestly, hardly anything worse than a guy who comes for a paid session without giving you a hint what he is looking for. The "Whatever Mistress wants" made me want to climb up the walls, give me SOMETHING to work with. No, it's not the problem of coming up with ideas, but those are typically the guys who come into a session with a fixed idea or fantasy how the session should be with a "truly dominant woman" but to give a hint would ruin their fantasy, GREAT!
Basically what they want you to do then is read their minds and make it come true, because most of the times their fantasies are so elaborate, you can't really guess them.

If it is about what I really want, then in about 80% of all cases, I really want to give you a single tailing or a caning until my arm hurts, and then I want a foot massage. And I mean a foot massage, not somebody dribbling on my toes and claiming it's foot worship. Seriously, a wet sloppy tongue on my tootsies does nothing for me, all pro dommes endure it because well, how do I put it delicately? You are clients, you pay for it. If I have to give instructions all the way on how to do it properly and you still go on slobbering, it's a bit hard to show enjoyment. Put it down to the fact that as a pro domme you do have to be part actress and since you pay, we don't really want to lose you as a client.

You want her to enjoy the foot massage and you are really doing it for her? Great then check out this link, she will thank you, I mean really thank you:

http://www.wikihow.com/Give-a-Foot-Massage

In case you haven't figured it out, those high heels look marvellous and yes we do love wearing them, but they aren't the most comfortable of shoes, so a good foot massage is always appreciated.

Now in case you are just a foot fetishist and you get off on licking toes, fine, but don't call it a service, don't call yourself a submissive, call yourself a fetishist and a pro domme will supply your fetish, no big deal, but please please spare us the rubbish about how you are doing it for us. Nothing wrong with doing things that get you off, but please stop chewing my ear off how good you are at it and how you are all doing it for my enjoyment.

Oh and if you book a session and you want it a certain way, TELL US, don't give us that bloody hogwash about "Whatever Mistress wants" because chances are that what mistress wants isn't really what you want, and you're then on every fucking internet board complaining that it wasn't your dream session! You wouldn't go into a restaurant wanting a fillet Mignon and tell the waiter "Whatever you want to serve me" and then have a little hissy fit because it's not your favorite dish.

In case you want to be forced, trust me, we're down with that and no worries, we're not going to be shocked, but maybe you shouldn't safeword out when reality hurts a bit more than your fantasy, and then later complain that we didn't push you enough.

Another thing, don't claim experience you don't have. One of my most vivid memories is the guy who claimed to have so much experience when it comes to whippings, he wanted marks, blood, I had to argue about a warm up, he told me he doesn't need one but "indulged" me - thank fuck for that! During the warm up, bare hands and super soft flogger he screamed the place down. Turned out his experience was watching clips and he didn't think it would hurt that much... Yeah, no comment...

Lots of Shades - or 50 Shades of BS

You guessed it, I really didn't like the book, mind you I only read the first book of the trilogy and it was torture. Let me get it straight, I'm the sadist here, not the masochist who should suffer, it honestly was serious determination and stubbornness (it has been mentioned that I possess those qualities, the more unflattering term is actually stubborn bitch) that kept me going. Not just the story is unbelievable and so retro, the writing is bad, seriously bad. I had to force myself to not throw it into a corner or to whimper loudly, I did swear a bit though!

Instead of going on and on, somebody said it all before and possibly better than I could:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/06/fifty-shades-of-fcked-up-trista-hendren/ 

I just copied and pasted some quotes, that's what you're getting in for if you buy the book:

“Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that’s still floating in my brain, but somehow, because it’s him, I don’t mind.” (62)

“Desire. This is desire. This is what it feels like.” (68)

“I think I’m in shock. My subconscious has emigrated or been struck dumb or simply keeled over and expired. I am numb. I can observe and absorb but not articulate my feelings about all this, because I’m in shock….Fear…yes…that seems to be the overriding feeling. I recognize it now. But weirdly not of him—I don’t think he’d hurt me, well, not without my consent.” (99)

It is pretty bad, honestly, in my view it is cliche ridden granny porn, I know they dubbed it mommy porn but most mothers are possibly not that prude and have steamier sex, I mean the sexual revolution has happened, hasn't it? The pill, free love and all that, 60's and 70's, the glorious days we only hear about, when women had contraception and nothing you could catch couldn't be taken care of by a few shots of penicillin. As long as you block out the thought that your own parents were possibly part of it (I think I made myself sick with that train of thought), it sounds like the golden age of the sexual liberation (though there wasn't much personal grooming or manscaping going on, eeek), no scare of AIDS.
Getting a bit of track here, but I had a lot of conversations with a friend about the difference in the generations, for somebody who didn't grow up and into their own sexuality with the threat of AIDS, it might be pretty hard to understand why we are so terrified of it. I recall that the idea of losing my virginity was completely overshadowed by being afraid of AIDS, contraception was easy to get, the pill, condoms, etc. But AIDS... I was never a fan of Queen but you couldn't escape their music, Freddy Mercury wasting away and dying - it wasn't something that made you particularly horny, even as a randy teenager... But I digress...

Luckily I didn't spend money on the book, borrowed it from a friend, other half was quite excited, he had heard that women get all frisky when reading it, so he didn't mind me reading it in bed (usually always a bit of an issue "I can't sleep when you got the light on...") but you know what, it actually turned me off and he was even more upset. Not just because I really didn't want to jump his bones after dutifully slogging through some pages, but because I kept him awake by swearing loudly and annoying him with comments like "What the f***? Couldn't they afford an editor? This isn't even Mills and Boon level, it's freaking awful..."

Seriously, I'm not a prude, but one review said it would get women's mind away from the laundry and into sex, didn't work for me, before I read part 2 and 3, I think I'd rather do laundry for a whole week, it's less annoying and mentally and sexually more stimulating.

I don't hate the author, in fact, I'm a bit envious and yeah, if I could make money from writing such shit, I totally would. Sod artistic integrity, I'd be laughing all the way to the bank, but I think I would have used a pen name, and then I'd possibly invest some of the fortune I made into creative writing classes. But hey, it's not a bad gig if you can get it.

In a way I am fascinated by the book, or rather the people who get turned on by it. I can't get over the fact that women in this day and age find abusive relationships a turn on, nothing wrong with kinky but manipulating is just not fun.
Christian (the "hero") is not only unrealistic, he's also really fucked up. In our teens we possibly all fell once or twice for an emotionally unavailable guy and suffered for it (I had Mr Terminal Zipper Problem - nice guy, very good looking, just couldn't keep his dick to himself and yes, it ended badly - in case he stumbles across this, sorry that I broke a plate on your head but the bleached bitch was seriously too much) but we all grew up.

Maybe that's the key? The women who like 50 Shades of Poo got the whole guilt thing about sexuality internalized, a bit like a rape fantasy, they're not in control, they're not guilty, because after all sex is something that good girls don't really enjoy... I thank my lucky stars that I ceased to be a good girl a long time ago and I don't need a controlling and emotionally damaged dick (pun intended) to give me orgasms...

I possibly can't stop anybody from reading the book, but I'd hope that anybody who spends money on it will at least consider giving part of that money to a charity, preferably one for abused women!

I climb off my soap box now!

Layouts and stuff...

I'm fiddling around trying to figure this thing out, I'm crap with the layout and it looks quite awful, really really not up to date on my technology skills, quite funny actually because I seem to recall that a certain psychopath (actually also might be a sociopath) labeled me as the super duper hacker a while ago. I guess I need to dig out the old DVDs of the Matrix and try and channel Nero a bit more, after all that's what it takes and hacking is easy, I guess that's why companies pay so much money to people checking if their sites are vulnerable... Maybe at one point I talk about the "amusing things" psychopath came up with with the aid of a bunch of prepaid mobile phones, it involved police, RSCPA (thanks for helping me to get 2nd dog asshole, instead of taking my menagerie away they offered us another Dobie, former problem child who turned out to be K's loving brother and the most gentle and goofy boy on the planet, even the cats are crazy about him), fire brigade, ambulances, calls to work (got a better job now) and more fun and games.

I was surprised how easily somebody can harass you long distance, but it's actually really simple, in the US you can buy mobile phones without any form of ID, just cash. You buy the phone for something like $10 and then a prepaid card, for an additional $10 most providers give you unlimited international calls. In Europe you need ID or at least a confirmation of your address, so the authorities here automatically assume that calls are "valid" because they're trackable, well, tracking it to a Radio Shack or Supermarket (yeah, some were purchased at RiteAid) doesn't really help. Now additionally scumbag was smart enough to wait at least a week before activating said cards - duh! CCTV footage is usually deleted every 48 hours... I was quite surprised what I learned the very hard way...

To be honest for a few months I was a nervous wreck, losing your job isn't peasant, having your other half being harassed at work with outings even less (kinda puts a strain on the relationship), but fuck it, our relationship survived and is stronger than ever, I enjoy the new things I do a lot more, I found out who my real friends are and even connected with a few people (some had the same experiences with him) that are a real addition to my life. Authorities realized he's full of crap and ignore his calls now.
What helped me most was a help group for people that are stalked, they and a fantastic therapist helped me to realize that I'm not the single victim, just his current "flavour of the month", the way he went on about it shows that he's got quite a bit of experience in harassing women.

Of course a lot of it was my own fault, I felt for the "nice guy, rough around the edges and socially awkward" shit (imagine the typical but slightly nutty old uncle who's a redneck type) and gave him my personal email... Now there's that thing called XOBNI, a small little program - due to being on a Mac and not aware of what's available for PCs (yeah, duh, embarrassing for such a super duper hacker as I am apparently, make sure I don't turn your toaster into a microwave once I watched the Matrix again - be warned), with XOBNI you just need an email address and you get all the social networks connected to that address, so yep, he had Facebook and LinkedIn, including family and work info and the games began. Yes, I changed all that, set it on private, changed email addresses but the damage was done...

I bore you a bit by telling you to PLEASE always have an alternative email address, preferable an anonymous one from Google, Hotmail or Yahoo unless you know the person really well. And don't be fooled by somebody who tends to be a bit sycophantic, in fact that should be a warning sign. I kinda feel sorry for the people nutcase is getting now friendly with. If there wouldn't be real people behind it who might get hurt, it would be amusing to see how he swarmily tries to ingrate himself with people. I hope they are more careful than I am, because seriously, can't be the savior of the world and roughly 2 years of his psycho terror were enough for me. Mind you, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd try something new...

Never thought I do this...

But today I read Domina M's blog and just couldn't help myself squeaking "Yes, oh fucking yes!" It's fucking great to bust some myths... (I guess it's time to confess that I don't sleep in leather PJs and command an army of submissive who feed me chocolates - I HATE chocolate)

I don't know if anything comes out of it, but it might be amusing to just write down my thoughts, quite a few friends are still dommes, I can really relate to what they are going through, sometimes I miss it a bit, but then I think about the wanker calls and some of the truly annoying clients and the feeling evaporates. I don't think I would have the patience anymore to deal with the passive aggressiveness (I don't really know why at least 90% of all so called "submissives" are passive aggressive little shits, maybe somebody can enlighten me - that is actually something I want to address later), if I could keep a straight face when it comes to sycophantic declarations of everlasting devotion (guys, you think we haven't heard it before? You want us to believe you - show us, don't chew our ears off)... And the whole fucking drama, and trust me, I know some dommes are drama queens, but never underestimate subs...

Actually, I'm going to make dinner, I'm pretty sure I can think of more later...

Btw and while I figure all this out, do check out Domina M's great blog, not only she also talks quite candidly about her history as a Domme, she also got great pics of herself - eye candy guys.