BDSM and Abuse

It comes up again and again and for a lot of people not involved with BDSM it looks like there is abuse going on, the big difference is that it is consensual!

Honestly, I can't stress enough how important it is that it IS consensual.

There is NO excuse for not respecting a safe word, if people who know each other and have a rapport decide to play without a safe word, great, not a problem, however if anybody announces right off the bat that they will not respect your limits or a safe word, don't walk - RUN.

Some people are thrill seekers and all that, and while I'm not somebody who would rely on a safe word (I explain in a bit), when getting to know somebody, you have to learn about their boundaries and some people have trigger points where you just push them much too far, pushing somebody way beyond their endurance can cause a pretty serious trauma, maybe not physical but leaving mental scars is not covered by consensual play!

Why I don't want to rely on safe words is simple, when the endorphines are flying, it can be pretty difficult for a masochist to recognize what is going on, as the top you really have to watch their body language, it might just feel too good for them to call a stop. Think about it in terms of a happy drunk who's flying high and doesn't realize that he's close to alcohol poisoning. 

But truthfully, that's another issue than abuse. 

I was just reading somewhere, where a woman rejected a dominant because he seemed to have anger issues and threatened to blacken her eyes if she says something to him. That's for me seriously crossing the line, hurting somebody out of anger is not BDSM or consensual, it's being out of control, if the top is out of control, accidents happen.

No problem with a role play where you pretend to be angry, or maybe even some punishment, but boys and girls, don't play with angry people, as exciting as it may seem at first glimpse, you only got this one body.

Seriously, if it would be my hide on the line, I'd be giving somebody a grilling of the 9th degree before I would even consider getting in a situation where I would be vunerable.

If you have issues trusting somebody, don't trust them with your health or life! Being stupid is not an attractive trait in a bottom!

End of rant!

We’re not a sub species…

We’re not a sub species…

I broached that before http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/dommes-escorts-and-everything-in-between.html and I possibly shouldn’t harp on about it, but I made the mistake of looking at MF again and reading some old posts…

Guys, I don’t care what you are into, if you like going to a strip club, seeing Dommes, maybe seeing escorts, I honestly don’t care, as long as the women don’t mind what they’re doing, I’m for one don’t mind their choice of work. I don’t believe in female superiority (unless it’s for a really hot role play), I believe in equality, I believe in freedom of choice in every way of life, that includes not dictating women what they can do with their bodies, and if a woman doesn’t mind being a porn star, an escort, a stripper, an adult model, a domme, then why on earth should I mind?

What I do mind, and I fucking mind it  A LOT, is the attitude most people have when it comes to women in the adult industry, the “We’re not a sub species” isn’t a line I came up with, somebody said it and I can’t get it out of my head, maybe because it resonates so well?

Look, whenever you purchase a service from anybody in the adult industry, no matter what, remember you’re still dealing with a human being, a woman, somebody’s daughter, sister, possibly mother – so how would you like some stranger treating your relative? Treat her the same way, I don’t care what service she is selling, she still deserves some human decency. If you think she doesn’t deserve it because you pay, then think about it this way: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS TO PAY! Maybe you should be damned better be grateful that they are out there, because your money can’t get your dick as hard as the woman can. So just show her some decency and respect! She's not a disposable item!

You know, no matter what we do in the adult industry, we're going through enough shit as it is, with clients falling in love or mad stalkers there are tons of other things, just go through the blog, maybe I should order it by themes. It would be kind of nice to be also recognized as human beings, not just a disposable item.  

End of soap box rant!

New to BDSM

New to this

Yeah, we’ve all started somewhere and having those desires and realizing that they possibly won’t go away, that you really want to find out about it all, see if it is for you or if it isn’t seems like a good idea. A lot better than being unhappy and wishing for something but not doing anything to make it come true…

Now of course there are several hurdles, when it comes to life-style play and you just want to try things out, it’s a bit difficult to find a Domme who’ll just indulge you and do all of this just so you can figure out if you do or don’t want it, can’t blame them, you’d possibly react the same way.

Then it’s a question of supply and demand, there is a much much greater supply of submissives than there are of Dommes, luck is just not on your side, unless of course you got movie star looks, then you might be a bit luckier, better get rid of that paunch then ASAP ;)

There are a 101 reasons why you might have trouble finding a life-style Mistress, now if you are in a relationship or you don’t have all that much time you can devote to going to munches, or you simply don’t want to wait months and years until you find somebody who is willing to play with you, it might just make sense to go and see a pro Domme as long as you keep a few things in mind:

-       Be honest, tell her that you’re not experienced  (if you don’t believe me that it’s important, check for Mr Bullwhip)

-       Communicate, let her know what you are interested in, I know it’s difficult but what are you fantasizing about? Yep, that’s an interest. Something you absolutely don’t want to happen (say crossdressing really turns you off, or other men) that would be a hard limit – simple, isn’t it?

-       Don’t get fooled by pictures, make sure you have a bit of chemistry, can you talk to her when you call her up? Good! Of course you should find her attractive, that is important, but she doesn’t need to be your dream woman, you aren’t going to marry her!

-       No matter how good the session is, do not fall in love, do not get in head over heels, you booked a service, of course you should enjoy it but it’s not a date, she’s not your girlfriend. Do us a favour and read THIS

With permission from Ms Maya Midnight, here is a great essay about how to book a session, with all the pointers a newbie or a more seasoned player might need: Newbie Guide To Seeing Pro Dommes

Listen guys, as long as you keep a clear head, you communicate well and you do your research, not a lot can go wrong!

Layouts and stuff...

I'm fiddling around trying to figure this thing out, I'm crap with the layout and it looks quite awful, really really not up to date on my technology skills, quite funny actually because I seem to recall that a certain psychopath (actually also might be a sociopath) labeled me as the super duper hacker a while ago. I guess I need to dig out the old DVDs of the Matrix and try and channel Nero a bit more, after all that's what it takes and hacking is easy, I guess that's why companies pay so much money to people checking if their sites are vulnerable... Maybe at one point I talk about the "amusing things" psychopath came up with with the aid of a bunch of prepaid mobile phones, it involved police, RSCPA (thanks for helping me to get 2nd dog asshole, instead of taking my menagerie away they offered us another Dobie, former problem child who turned out to be K's loving brother and the most gentle and goofy boy on the planet, even the cats are crazy about him), fire brigade, ambulances, calls to work (got a better job now) and more fun and games.

I was surprised how easily somebody can harass you long distance, but it's actually really simple, in the US you can buy mobile phones without any form of ID, just cash. You buy the phone for something like $10 and then a prepaid card, for an additional $10 most providers give you unlimited international calls. In Europe you need ID or at least a confirmation of your address, so the authorities here automatically assume that calls are "valid" because they're trackable, well, tracking it to a Radio Shack or Supermarket (yeah, some were purchased at RiteAid) doesn't really help. Now additionally scumbag was smart enough to wait at least a week before activating said cards - duh! CCTV footage is usually deleted every 48 hours... I was quite surprised what I learned the very hard way...

To be honest for a few months I was a nervous wreck, losing your job isn't peasant, having your other half being harassed at work with outings even less (kinda puts a strain on the relationship), but fuck it, our relationship survived and is stronger than ever, I enjoy the new things I do a lot more, I found out who my real friends are and even connected with a few people (some had the same experiences with him) that are a real addition to my life. Authorities realized he's full of crap and ignore his calls now.
What helped me most was a help group for people that are stalked, they and a fantastic therapist helped me to realize that I'm not the single victim, just his current "flavour of the month", the way he went on about it shows that he's got quite a bit of experience in harassing women.

Of course a lot of it was my own fault, I felt for the "nice guy, rough around the edges and socially awkward" shit (imagine the typical but slightly nutty old uncle who's a redneck type) and gave him my personal email... Now there's that thing called XOBNI, a small little program - due to being on a Mac and not aware of what's available for PCs (yeah, duh, embarrassing for such a super duper hacker as I am apparently, make sure I don't turn your toaster into a microwave once I watched the Matrix again - be warned), with XOBNI you just need an email address and you get all the social networks connected to that address, so yep, he had Facebook and LinkedIn, including family and work info and the games began. Yes, I changed all that, set it on private, changed email addresses but the damage was done...

I bore you a bit by telling you to PLEASE always have an alternative email address, preferable an anonymous one from Google, Hotmail or Yahoo unless you know the person really well. And don't be fooled by somebody who tends to be a bit sycophantic, in fact that should be a warning sign. I kinda feel sorry for the people nutcase is getting now friendly with. If there wouldn't be real people behind it who might get hurt, it would be amusing to see how he swarmily tries to ingrate himself with people. I hope they are more careful than I am, because seriously, can't be the savior of the world and roughly 2 years of his psycho terror were enough for me. Mind you, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd try something new...