Meeting that guy from the internet...

It's basically a follow up to the "difficult to find a date on the internet" post I made the other day, guys claim that women are so hard to talk to, but women complain far more often about being stood up, guys go through the whole song and dance and then get cold feet, disappear, make dates and don't show up... So I guess this one is more for the ladies, but I'm pretty sure the guys might also find a bit of value, even if it is just to understand better why women are a bit careful.

As for being stood up, yes it happens, you develop a radar after a while, you also develop a radar for BS, seriously, if something doesn't feel right, chances are that it isn't right, pretty much the same as I mentioned in the post about what to do if you have a stalker your own instinct is the best protection you can have, for stalkers, for fakes, for people playing games.

I've mentioned a few times that I'm not looking for anything, so if I'm meeting somebody it's just for being social, I'm not going to get worked up about somebody who won't show up, but I'm also not rearranging my schedule much to accommodate somebody I haven't met before. 

Ladies, just keep a clear head and don't get too worked up, I wouldn't recommend meeting a stranger in a place where you always go for various reasons, for example if he should turn out to be a stalker (which I certainly hope not), you don't want to give him a way to find you easily all the time, also if his manners aren't up to scratch, you really don't want people talk about that in your local bistro or pub (don't remind me of the guy who thought kissing my feet would be the acceptable way to behave in public...). Go somewhere where you like going, bring a book or a magazine and if he doesn't show up, enjoy your coffee and read. Desperation is worse than a bad perfume.

Now since this is a kink blog, I assume we are talking about guys you meet on kink related sites, but this should pretty much go for all kind of internet dating. I'm not saying you need to play hard to get, but don't make it too easy. Think about it, what kind of impression do you give if you're too available - you don't want to come across as too desperate. 
Also be clear what you expect, if you don't want to be a booty call, say so in a profile, not in those words but mention that you're only interested in getting to know somebody who is like you interested in a long term relationship, then tell them what you expect from a partner APART from your kink, unless you are waiting for a mind reader, in that case be prepared to wait for a long long time... So yes, hobbies, what is important for you, what you can't deal with, but try to sound positive, nobody wants a sourpuss!
Not sounding negative goes for, don't complain on your profile about people who stood you up, don't talk about the bad experiences you have made. You're going to meet somebody for the first time, he doesn't want your whole life-story and everything that went wrong, every relationship that has failed. Come on, how would you feel if a guy would tell you about all his exes and stuff? See how that works? A guy who's interested in meeting YOU, doesn't want your whole relationship history, your medical history, your family history, he wants to to meet you to get to know you.
Chances are you already had a few mails exchanged, spoke on the phone and all that, so you should have an idea about his hobbies, maybe his work, ASK about that, keep the conversation light, you're still getting to know each other!

Also the pics, well you want to be sure that not the guy from next door or the next cubicle will recognize you and tell everybody and their dog about you being on a kink site, I often discussed how to maintain your privacy and protect your identity. Don't use anything you use on another network (FB for example) there are tons of facial recognition programs, a bit of shadow will add some mystery, you don't want the creepy internet dude to track you down and send you flowers and riddles. Also as a woman, if you want guys being interested in you (that means you as a person and not your orifices) don't pose naked. Yes, you will get less answers, but it's about quality and not quantity, that is unless you want somebody to contact you who's really only looking for a fuck bunny and the guys looking for a partner pass you by because they think you're just interested in dick (and that's not Richard). The explicit pics can wait, think about all the teens who text topless and naked shots and live to regret it, be a bit smarter.

Move fairly quick, a guy who's seriously interested will want to talk to you fairly soon, don't give out your home phone number but use a mobile, skype, etc. If somebody doesn't want to talk to you, they might have something to hide, also the time when they are talking to you, if they don't have time in the evenings or the weekends, chances are that they're married and just playing a game. They don't answer their phone on the weekends or in the evenings... Take a wild guess...
A guy who's serious about meeting somebody isn't going to wait 6 months, if he's dragging things out and out, maybe it's time to move on. Would you want to be with a guy who doesn't seem to think that meeting you is a priority? Doesn't really bode well for the future, does it?

I don't have to give you the drill about the usual stuff, like meeting in a public place, no play on the first date, going in your own car and all that, I hope you're adult enough to really consider your personal safety a priority. Just because it's got to do with kink doesn't mean that everybody into it is nice, nothing could be further from the truth. 

When it comes to chatting and talking on the phone, without being a prude, don't get too sexual, a ton of guys out there who get their kicks from cyber and phone sex, don't put a poor cam girl or phone sex girl out of a job ;) No seriously, you don't want to invest time and possibly emotions into a guy who's just trying to get his rocks off via electronic means, you don't want to be his cyber or phone booty call.

Oh and another thing, ladies, let's be a bit realistic, it's nice to expect Prince Charming on the white horse and riding off into the sunset, but seriously, if your expectations are unrealistic, you won't get a lot of serious takers and possibly a bunch of wankers who just want to play games and have no desire to ever meet face to face. They'll lie to you because they know when you'd meet them they couldn't keep up the lie. 
For those of you who still don't understand it, 50 Shades is FICTION, you're about as likely to meet kinky handsome, billionaires through a kink site as you are likely to meet them in the supermarket.

There's a lady who's complaining that she gets stood up regularly and she always gets super worked up and excited about meeting a submissive, only they never show up. Another poster was smart enough to look at her profile and summed up what she is looking for:


1. Will be available for vanilla dates when you want.
2. Is a service slave, doing household chores for you.
3. Will have sex with your husband.
4. Will not have sex with you.
5. Will take branding, whipping, etc., from you.
6. Has no sissification fantasies.
7. Lives within two hours of .......
8. Will financially support your household.

Despite the fact that you're searching for Superman, he's gonna have to take the backseat to your husband.

Forget it. Your expectations are unrealistic. 


That's what I meant with unrealistic expectations, any relationship, be it vanilla or BDSM is a give and take, even if it doesn't look like it, it involves 2 (or more) people, and they want something out of the relationship. That's not being calculating, that's just what it is. Otherwise, why would people be in relationships, if you're not getting what you want, it's much easier to be on your own and able to live your life how you chose to do it.

When it comes to looking for a partner, it might help to sit down and make a list, what you have to offer, what you need and what you'd be willing to compromise on. If you want Brad Pitt (the looks and the financial means) and you want all the kinks to mesh 100%, it's going to be a long long wait... 

Seriously, please also consider all the other qualities apart from compatible kinks, when it comes down to it, you got to LIVE with that person, and if all you have in common is kink, it's not going to last. 

Another woman is more or less looking for a vanilla relationship, she doesn't want to top him, she doesn't want anything to do with fetishes but she wants him to be submissive to her, but she makes it quite clear that she won't do BDSM play, wants vanilla sex and romance, but she wants to "own" him. I guess she thinks she's some Princess and her Prince is hankering after her and ready to charge on his white horse when she wants. Maybe it is D/s however, there are pages of pages of what she doesn't want, which word should be in the reply so she'll actually will deign to read it, all with some cheesy generic pics of mythical animals and flowers. Then a journal full of pretty awful prose, has to be a certain age and live nearby... Judging from her profile she's been looking under that name for about 2 years... 
Girls, when it comes to kink, you do have all the advantages, men vastly outnumber women (especially submissive men to dominant women), but don't make the mistake of thinking that on a kink board you can get away with asking for the impossible.
Also keep up your end of the bargain, if you're entering into a relationship WITH kink, don't take the kink out, don't think you can put up with it for a while and wean him off, won't work. The equivalent of a couple with a great sex life and a few years into the marriage it's down to lights out and missionary position once every month - if that happens, nobody wonders why the guy strays, so why should it be any different if you take the kink away?




Just a few hints, and I do hope things work out for you. Hey I met hubby on the internet too, we both weren't looking and it was actually a geek board, for quite a while he thought he was talking to a guy. Seeing how it turned out, I think he wasn't too disappointed, we still laugh because friends had bets going and the maximum of time they thought it would work was 6 months. I guess if you look just briefly, we don't seem to be very compatible. Seriously, compromises are normal in a relationship, but they can't be one-sided. Often women are too eager to please, there's nothing wrong with wanting to make your partner happy, as long as your partner also wants to make you happy. That would be something I'd really focus on if I'd ever be looking again (don't hope so).

Oh and please, do go into the first meeting with a clear head, don't really start planning the names of all future kids and their careers when you've just met. Because it's kink related doesn't mean the same stuff applies that applies to all other dating. Relationships tend to develop over time, not over night.
Now should the guy really not be to your liking, have at least the decency to let him down easy, chances are that he's as insecure as you are (meeting strangers from the internet can be a bit stressful), he's made an effort, tell him you don't think you have the chemistry, don't point out every flaw you perceived, and don't think the first guy you'll meet will be THE ONE. Basically think about how you would feel if somebody would tell you that they don't think it's going to work and have the decency to treat another person the way you want to be treated.

How was that for an agony aunt? Now if I have bored you to death, drop me a line and toss some ideas at me. I basically write when something catches my attention. In case I'm too boring, inspire me.... 

Why is it so hard to meet somebody online?

Actually, I don't really agree with it, but it is something that comes up again and again in discussions, and not just guys claim that, also women. Though the women tend to complain a lot more about being stood up (which does happen, yours truly also has been stood up), guys tend to complain about women are so hard to approach.

Mind you, at the moment I'm more talking about life-style, leave Pro-Dommes aside for a moment, because that's pretty clear cut.

When it comes to life-style, I guess it is quite difficult for guys to meet women, but guys, in all fairness, you make it pretty hard for yourself. I was just joking with a friend about it as I got a bunch of mails on CM and FL, where people claim to have read my profile and they deducted from that, that they're my ideal partner/slave/submissive...

Now my profile states VERY VERY clearly, that I'm not looking, that I have a partner, I'm there for the forums and discussions. Sure if I got the time, I'll happily talk to somebody, but it really depends how somebody approaches me. If you approach me claiming to have read my profile and you clearly haven't, well, that's a bit of a bad start, isn't it? I mean you start out with telling me a big lie and then you wonder why I don't want to talk to you?
Basically you're telling me that you couldn't even take the time to find out ANYTHING about me, you might have looked at my picture and because you're a bit desperate, the little head started to do all the thinking. Additionally you just assume I'm so stupid that I won't spot your lie, you expect me to be flattered? I mean really? Might work in an alternative reality, unfortunately we're still on planet Earth.
And nope, after I told you 3 times that I am not looking and my profile clearly says so, really no need to send me another message with "Let me know if you change your mind!" Buttercup, don't hold your breath!

Also if you want to friend me so you can tell me all about your kinks, hell no! Buddy, you're a stranger, why would I want to hear the explicit fantasies of a complete stranger? Do I look like a sex therapist or do you think my life revolves around you getting your rocks off? Even more if you send me messages in text speak. Seriously, I'm not 14 anymore and your profile says you're in your 50's and "wud b interested in being ur friend Im vy kinky n wud like 2 discuss this with u., btw u luk GORGEOUS!" is the best you can do, I have to pass (and yes, it is copy and paste). Because I was still having my morning coffee and was procrastinating (something I do rather well) I replied and suggested that leading with your kink and spelling like a teenager texting doesn't really work. The reply was that I should command him to spell right and he wants to talk NOW.
Where do I start? 1st, I don't take orders from strange "submissive" men (Can you spot the contradiction?), 2nd don't effing tell me how to spend my time, 3rd why would I want to command a stranger? I'm not suffering from Domititis, I have no desire to command or dominate everybody and everything around me, that would be rude and very frustrating. I actually enjoy treating people in a polite manner, the clincher is, that I expect to be treated politely too. Pretty simple...

I am chatting with somebody currently, well several messages a day when we both have time, nothing in common kink wise and far away from each other, but he sent me a really nice and polite mail, wished me a nice day, and naturally I replied. We talked about all sort of things, and yeah, his kink came up too and his search. Because now we were already talking, it wasn't a bit deal, it was just something that came up, I think I could help him to identify a few problems and suggested that he might increase his chances by knowing how to do a good massage or a simple manicure, not perfect, just something that every woman loves to have done to her. Something that gives him a bit of "bargaining power" - though bargaining is the wrong word, if he can offer something that women want, he has a foot in the door, it's a lot easier than "Well, I can offer you my kinks", there's no shortage of those offers and he's competing in a very competitive arena where a lot of women always complain that guys just want something from them and they feel like a fetish delivery system. A guy who offers something without strings, he'll stand out, somebody might be tempted to get to know him and even if his kinks aren't 100% hers, a bit of give and take, and we make allowances for people we like. It really isn't rocket science!

Honestly, I can't give anybody a blue print and tell you exactly what works, but look what you have to offer (besides your kinks, do NOT lead with your kink) and treating women like you would treat them in a vanilla environment (in short, be a Gentleman, if she isn't a Lady, her loss and you wouldn't want her anyway, at least I hope you aren't that desperate) will go a long way.

What I can tell you is what doesn't work and what frustrates women without end!

Actually I planned to write something about women and why they might not be as successful as they wish when it comes to online dating, or kinky dating, but there is that pesky thing called work, and I best get to it, but I might give it a go next! 

Of Men and errr Women...

It was something I read on a message board, a kink board, but in a way it really doesn't just translate to kink but almost every situation where men and women interact in relationships or attempts to form relationships.

Background is, a guy new to BDSM (D-type) gets a boner each time somebody calls him Sir, which is a bit inconvenient because he's in the military (tight briefs, Sir, forget about wearing boxer shorts, Sir - sorry, couldn't resist) and if he goes shopping he eyes up women and wonders how their breasts would look with clamps, their butts with his hand prints...

So in short a discussion got sparked off, nothing unusual, most people had the take "Your thoughts are free, as long as you don't stare or make it obvious, nobody knows what you are thinking, if it bothers you, concentrate on your tax bill..."

Topic went a bit off track, as it happens everywhere but especially on the internet.

Some women expressed a dislike for being leered at (understandable), men declared it as a compliment and we should be happy, and a guy threw in the question:

"Hey, you girls can't tell me that you never looked at a stranger and wondered how it would feel if his cock would slide into you...."

Much bewilderment amongst the female participants (dominants and subs alike) and pretty resounding "No, not really! Never!"

More bewilderment from the men, all women (even some who said they have an abnormally high sex drive) bewildered that the guys don't understand...

Light bulb moment and a woman asking "Is that why strange men send us cock pictures? They really think we want to see this?"

It really does explain a lot, it's not completely new and all that, but I hardly have ever seen it spelled out that clear. Deep down we all know that men and women process things a bit different, but sometimes it just takes something like that to make it all crystal clear.

Somewhere else there was another comment, when a guy asked if all Dommes want payment, there were a couple of funny remarks, I was tempted to say "You can pay in blood, and nope, I'm not a vampire or a blood bank!" But figured it's not good form to scare newbies, so for a change I actually DID behave (can I have a round of applause please?)

A good one came from a dominant Lady:
"Basically, you're going to have to pay in some sort of currency or another to be in a relationship with a woman."

Another great comment came from a switch guy who seems to understand women very well:
"In gender-sensitive language, women want something out of the "relationship", and, the more impersonal the relationship, the more impersonal the "thing" that women want out of said relationship."

Or as DominaM said once (I'm paraphrasing since I don't recall her exact words):
"You don't pay us to dominate you, you pay us to go away and not dominate you and call you up, when we want that iced coffee at 3am in the morning!"

It basically boils down to a conversation I had on the blog of hermajestysplaything where we discussed what goes into a D/s relationship and how to make sure that it has a long life, and the idea is really trying to meet each other half-way and COMMUNICATION, not just talking AT each other, but listening what the other person is really saying.

Kinky relationships really aren't all that different from real relationships, still humans involved with feelings and all that...

Sorry if I didn't deliver the perfect blue print, in case anybody has one, please give me a shout!

The "talk"

I'm aware that it's a bit of a rehash, but the subject came up again on a board.

The situation is this, nice guy likes pro-Domme, he likes her a bit more than he should, she gives him the dreaded talk and tells him they can't see each other for a while, because he's getting in too deep and is losing touch with what it is really about.

Obviously he can't understand it and feels like he is punished for being honest.

He isn't, even if it might feel like it, she is making sure he doesn't get obsessed, forces him to have a reality check and forces him to see the situation for what it really is.

Guys, if you're crushing on your Domme, it's not a bad thing but it shouldn't take over most of your life, during a session a bit of a crush is a great thing, but it's not love, there isn't a chance of her being your girlfriend. Most Dommes really don't want a brain washed robot (unless they really have no effing clue about anything), I said it countless times before, it's a sport for adults.

Let me put it this way, I do enjoy a nice glass of wine or a snifter of great single malt (preferably Islay if you're planning to buy me one), I can't handle a bottle, I enjoy a nice spinach pizza, I don't enjoy 5 of them (and you wouldn't want me to, unless you have a fetish for BBWs). Keep it in perspective, use your brain, moderate yourself.

Submission in a session or in context can be wonderful, very enjoyable, there's no problem taking a little bit of it out into the real world, like doing stuff you know she approves of, watching your diet, exercising more, etc.
If you want me to be perfectly honest (you might not but I'm going to be anyway, deal with it), it's all stuff you should be doing for yourself anyway, you're an adult, but I understand that it's a bit easier when you're doing it for a Domme, as some act of worship. Heaven knows that when us girls go on a diet we use every help we can.

In case you find yourself falling for a Domme, take a break, session around a bit, now if you don't enjoy sessioning with other Dommes at all, take a break, put the money aside, your desire will come back and you'll be glad for a little fund you can dip into. Do something completely else that will make you feel good, a hobby, be a volunteer for something you support.

I know it sucks to be in love, or to think you are in love, and the object of your desire doesn't have the same feelings for you, hurts like hell, and yes, been there, thank you very much. Might be undomly to admit it, but who gives a damn? Anybody going to come and tear up my Domme card? I'm really shaking in my thigh high boots (actually I'm lying, due to rain storms in the UK I'm wearing very glamorous Doc Martens and yes, me and both doggies were almost blown away).

This freaking post really took me ages as I was quite busy with the work for charities, and actually a bit of hands on work for a charity that's in the next town, fantastic people who spend all their money for neglected and abandoned animals. If you really want to do me a favour, share the link all over your networks, the more people see it, the more possibly donate as they are threatened by closure due to lack of funds. Extra kudos if you actually send them just a bit you can spare, just make it discrete, I don't really want them to know about my alter ego and hobby. I don't know how they would react, but hey, why chance it, right?

AngelsRescue

Why are there....

So I opened up my FL again and guess what, yeah, there is a long rambling letter with a laundry list of what I can do to a guy for "my pleasure" and then he complains about pro dommes and life-style dommes, the former ones are all greedy whores (according to him) and the latter are mostly fat, old and unattractive (again according to him) and since he considers me not too fat, too old (duh, thought I set my profile to 86 to not attract them) or too unattractive (wonder how he can tell since all he sees is a leather corset) he decided to write me and offer himself. OH LUCKY ME...

I know it's not easy to find a life-style domme, possibly not even for casual play, but it's also not easy to find a girlfriend or a kinky girlfriend, sitting at your computer and typing with one hand won't make it easier.

First impressions count, if you come across like a whiny little cry-baby, feeling sorry for yourself and telling me how hard it is, I have an impression of you, that impression isn't flattering.

If you think you flatter me by talking nasty about other women - think again, you come over as a classless, mean spirited little creep.

So you talk about serving me, but then you have this long list of what you want me to do to you, hey, if I go for a massage, I usually pay because the massage therapist is providing a service, so if you want your ass caned, it's nothing else, spare me the "for my pleasure".

Oh yeah, and don't bemoan the fact that there are so many big women in BDSM, guess what, a lot of big women around, if you don't like them look the other way. Nobody says you have to find them attractive but if you bitch about them being there, then let me bitch about needy little creeps...

Actually, it's a bunch of wasted keystrokes, said all before

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

TVs and CDs - getting the female shape

Undergarments for the TV/CD…

We got the outer layers of clothing wigs, shoes and the bras covered in the previous blog entries,  but to look realistic, most of you will need some undergarments that shape you a bit. It’s not just that guys are lacking the typical bone structure of women and the female curves, men just have a completely different fat distribution. The good news about that is, that your legs will most likely look spectacular, a lot better than most women’s legs because you got less fat on them. As a little nugget of information, quite a lot of hosiery manufacturers use male models for the tights and stockings….

If you don’t have a butt, you could go for padded undergarments or trick a bit with the clothes, a skirt with pockets on the back will add a bit, or you buy padded panties to give you the curves you want.

http://www.lovemybubbles.com/land-padded-panties.shtml

Again, find out your right size and if that site is too expensive for you, check out the shape or garment you want and get yourself on eBay for a bargain. Of course you can experiment a little bit with all sorts of clothes and padding, but trust me, this stuff works a lot better than painstakingly trying to pad out your bottom and it’s slipping and sliding and you end up looking like a hunchback, instead of looking like a woman with a curvy ass…

Another thing you will want is a waspie or waist clincher,  to give the illusion of a waist. Again if you are looking online, you best know your measurements, and the names you are searching the online shopping sites for are waspie, waist clincher, waist shaper, girdle. Most of them are elastic and don’t work quite as well as a short corset, but they’re fairly inexpensive and give you an idea, and help to shape you. If you aren’t used to a corset, it’s almost impossible to put it on by yourself. So go slow before you end up spending a lot of money on a real corset and you end up with something you can’t use!

In case you absolutely want a corset, for guys usually shorter corsets are a lot better, because of your particular shape, you don’t need something to minimize the hips, you need to create an artificial waist that gives the illusion that your hips flare out a bit. But again, in most cases you are doing just fine with a high waist panty girdle, which will also minimalize the bulge you don’t want to have. As a little hint, make sure you do have an empty bladder, not only it will be a lot more comfortable, it’s not easy getting in and out of those garments.

Now in case you like something under your clothes, just to feel a bit naughty during the day, wear a waspie under your clothes along with some girlie panties, throw in a pair of tights too and you got a bit of a thrill all day long ;)

In case you do need orders from a domme, I suggest you contact a domme you know and just ask if she could give you some orders via phone or email, chances are that she’s aware of the economic situation, so next time you see her, just add a healthy tip to your tribute and everybody is happy.

Now if you are working in a job where a suit and tie is required, wear a white t-shirt under your shirt, to make sure nobody sees the waspie.

You know instead of the money you spend for a session, you can invest a fraction of it in clothes and have a “work up” to your session and the anticipation for quite a while. Money gets a bit tighter for everybody, so this might just be a bit of fun in between sessions and a good way for yourself to get you in the right mindset for a session. For a lot of guys sessioning once a month or every few months is simply not enough. The clothes can be worn again and again.

For those of you who are married and can’t keep the clothes at home, I would suggest just renting a locker somewhere.

I’m still working on all the makeup advice and I’m trying to get a friend to make a blog where she can give you guys specific makeup advice about which brands are best and where to get them cheap. Guys tend to have thicker skin and larger pores, so just buying anything from the drugstore won’t usually work quite as well.

Until I’m getting there, here’s a little link from Transbetty about how to apply makeup:

  http://transbetty.com/tips-and-tricks/2009/06/20/make-up-guide-for-transvestites-basics/

BDSM and betrayal

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The theme comes up from time to time if it is betrayal if somebody is married and sees a pro domme, if you want to have everything in black and white and no shades of grey or colours exist in your world, then it’s of course a betrayal, unless you have the permission of your SO.

Now only if life would always be so simple… So many people think they can suppress their craving for BDSM and it doesn’t always work this way. Falling in love often makes you think everything is possible and that you can change. It’s also possible to fall in love with a person and love somebody you share your life with, without sharing every aspect of your sexuality with that person.

If your spouse is simply not into BDSM, and you force her to do something that she hates, it’s simply wrong.  I believe forcing somebody who’s vanilla to the core to play your domme and the person hates it every second, you just build up resentment and damage your relationship beyond repair. Apart from the fact that it comes close to abuse, have you considered how your partner may feel about it?

I shouldn’t have to say it again, but I think it can’t be said enough: Somebody who isn’t into BDSM is not narrow minded, is not boring or uptight and all that, they are simply not wired that way. Just like you might not be wired to find men sexually attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, just like there is nothing wrong with us. Being different doesn’t make you right or wrong, being into BDSM doesn’t make you a better and more open minded person (if you doubt me, have a look at MF).

I’ve said before that I met the nicest and most open minded people through BDSM, and it’s true, but to be fair, I also met the scummiest racist assholes, misogynists, bigoted wankers and backstabbing, stalking dirtbags through it. All it is is a sexual preference, doesn’t make you morally superior, more open minded and all that.

Would be nice if you could trust everybody who’s into BDSM, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t! Just like with everything else you should be careful who you trust, because the real scumbags are good at hiding their identity.

Getting back to the theme, it would be preferable if you could get your spouse to have an interest into BDSM, it won’t always work and you don’t want to shock her, so be careful with what you tell her and how you tell her. Give her time to get used to it and start with VERY MILD activities.

Now in case she balks and is shocked if you bring up some very mild activities like some mild bondage, don’t push any further and just let it rest.  Pressuring her won’t help, it will be a good way to mess up your relationship.

In case you won’t be happy without certain activities from time to time, go and see a pro domme. If you know the wife would freak out, well then shut the fuck up about it. You have to be aware that your first responsibility is to your wife and your family, that’s why I said go to a pro and keep it as a business transaction, don’t fool yourself into thinking this is the new great romance and you should leave your family for her. Do your best to hide it from your wife. I know it’s not honest, but in this case, honesty would only hurt your spouse, she would start to doubt herself, wonder why she can’t be everything for you and all that. Hardly anybody can be everything for somebody else.

Here’s a very sobering thought, I know a lot of people who got married because they were BDSM compatible, and in a lot of cases the guy simply loses all clear vision, it’s almost like a sub feeding frenzy: For the 1^st time there is somebody who indulges him and satisfies his kinks, they often get so blinded that they marry in a rush, only to find out that hardly anybody can live it 24/7. It’s the equivalent of vanilla people having great sex. Sorry for being crude, but a good fuck doesn’t make somebody compatible in other aspects or a good life partner. Long term you need a hell lot more than kink compatibility and infatuation.

So in case you decided to see a pro because you would be unhappy suppressing your BDSM desires, you owe it to your spouse (in case she would be hurt to find out) to make sure she will never find out. You also owe it to your family to not deprive them of money, if you can’t afford it, skip your lunch and save up for it. I know not nice, but tell yourself that it’s part of your service if it makes it easier. Go for the cheap option. Clean out the attic or the cellar and sell a lot of the stuff you don’t need on eBay, Craig’s List or Gumtree.

Apart from that, if you feel guilty, deal with it, don’t use the excuse that you want to be honest about it and burden your wife with the knowledge. Your feelings for her don’t change, if she’s not wired to share BDSM with you, knowing about it would make her unhappy, just so you could feel a bit better about “having been honest”. All you do is burden her with it so you feel a bit better and have the excuse of being honest.

It’s not her fault that she doesn’t like BDSM, just like it’s not your fault that you like it, but you owe it to her and yourself to keep your feelings in check, don’t session like crazy and make sure your family isn’t lacking anything.

Oh and something else, if you treat her like your personal servant, expect her to do everything in the house, have your dinner on the table on time and all that -  you’re not encouraging her to be a dominant, especially if you only want her to be dominant when and however it suits you. Think about that one before you claim the next time that you’re wife is just boring vanilla!

Btw here is a pretty good video, though it must be a bit old or quite a bit away from Central London, £150 an hour doesn't seem to be realistic for London, especially for the outrageous rents there.

 

I'm just a worthless worm...

Worthless worms…

Sorry, I’m a bit down today, got to do with the date and losing some friends 11 years ago, I rather not dwell on it so I’m having a rant about an email I got from a “worthless worm not worthy, blah blah blah”

Seriously, why would any domme worth her salt want a worthless worm? I mean if there are men with self-respect, intelligence, brains, manners and all that willing to sub and play, why on earth would I pick somebody who likens himself to a rather disgusting decomposer? Nothing against worms, real ones, they do serve a purpose, a guy claiming he’s a worthless worm serves no purpose, he’s simply disgusting and to be honest a bit of an insult. What he’s saying is that I can’t do better, well, sorry about that, but I think I can!

I get the humiliation aspect, though I have to admit it’s not one of my great preferences, but seriously, if you’re into degradation, shouldn’t I degrade you, calling yourself a worthless worm is a little bit of DIY degradation, so where’s the point?

This whole “worthless” spiel also makes me think of somebody who’s mentally retarded or simply not well grounded in life, those are seriously not people I want to have close and personal interactions with. Sorry, I had my fair share of crazy stalkers and psychopaths, I’m trying to avoid them actively, so a message that basically has “CRAZY” blinking in red letters all over, just ain’t going to happen, duckie! I just don’t feel suicidal enough to even entertain the idea of meeting up with you…

I said it before and I say it again, BDSM is a sport for grown ups, I want to play with somebody who’s grown up, somebody who’s aware of the risks and takes them willingly because let’s face it, SSC is a myth, there is nothing safe or sane about what we do, all we can hope for is being risk aware.

And call me a pervert (nothing wrong with that), but it’s just so much more fun to play with somebody who’s intelligent and clued up, who does it willingly and not out of desperation, who does it for ME, because he considers me worthy, not because he thinks he’s unworthy. Somebody I can be depraved with, somebody who enjoys things that would have your average guy call the cops or at least a shrink, and we’re both enjoying ourselves. And after we’ve done all of that, there is still the respect for each other as intelligent human beings. And we can sit down, have a glass of wine and discuss the world – as equals. Talk about something that’s really mind blowing!

Mainstream BDSM

I’m kind of backing off a bit in regards to 50 Shades, don’t get me wrong, there is still no literary merit in the book, the writing is seriously awful (why couldn’t they afford a good editor?), but I am realizing that it does change the perception of people in regards to BDSM.

Seeing women reading it openly everywhere, guys benefitting from the wet panties of their spouses, couples experimenting with mild BDSM in the bedroom, the idea of a Domme Reality Show being tossed around openly, magazines writing about integrating mild BDSM into your foreplay or bedroom antics, we are really really coming out of the shadow here with big steps.

It’s pretty hard to demonize something that you’ve tried yourself and possibly found really exciting. I remember reading my grannies gossip magazines, and there were those discrete ads for vibrators, pretty hilarious, women were holding them against their cheek or forehead and they were advertised as releasing tension and massaging away headaches… HA HA HA Well, that was before Viagra ;) Sex shops were hidden away in backstreets and as a child I really didn’t know why some shops had dark curtains on the shop windows (usually in backstreets around the station), asking mom or a relative who brought me to the paediatrician what’s in there (I was always an inquisitive gal), usually resulted in a sharp tug on the arm and a conversation about something completely else, often it involved getting an ice-cream cone! You bet that I learned pretty quick that stores with dark windows meant ice-cream and I became an expert at spotting them!

As a teenager, I finally twigged but thought they were more or less costume shops, the grown up equivalent for toga parties, but by then they were a lot less hidden and had actually some costumes in the shop windows, usually they looked like cheap carnival or Halloween costumes, very shiny… They actually had those boots from Pretty Woman in the shop window of a “speciality shoe shop” near Munich’s main station called “Exotic Heels”, the ones I lusted after ever since seeing the movie, I thought they would look really cool and Goth with my blue black hair and asymmetrical hairstyle, mom propelled me away ASAP…

A few years later I actually went into one of the “sex shops” with a friend, we had partied the night away (students, yay) and I confessed that I was never in one of them and my friend dragged me in. Actually it was a bit of a let down, I expected some sleaze and smut, but it looked so clinical, brightly lit and shiny, the lady behind the counter wore a white lab coat, was middle aged and had the typical frizzy mommy perm and asked if we are looking for toys, films or clothing. All very matter of fact and business like. I must have looked like a gold fish out of water, mouth opening and closing… It really was a bit of a let down, especially since the costumes that looked so marvellous, shiny, kinky and naughty, in the shop window (naughty nurse, cop, school teacher or girl, you got the idea) just seemed to be cheap plastic and polyester rubbish on closer inspection. Seriously, you could find a lot better stuff in any of the London Goth shops, cheaper and sexier too…

I think BDSM is going kinda the same way, I mean after my first experience with an “Adult Store” – the fear and slightly naughty feel about thinking of going into one of them was off. Some years later I actually bought a really good corset in one of those stores, not a cheap corselet, a proper steel boned corset, black silk outside and inside cotton. Cost me about as much as one of the cheap polyester ones would have cost me in a BDSM store.

It was around the time when I realized that a lot of the online shops actually charged more for fetish items than sex or BDSM stores, always being an enterprising nature, with a bunch of other students, we decided to make money from it. We went to thrift stores on a raid and bought everything that looked vaguely naughty dirt cheap and put it on eBay. Soon enough it actually paid a lot more than the student jobs we had (that was before they taxed and limited) and we found another niche – big sizes for cross dressers. We figured that anything people are embarrassed to be seen shopping will do well on the net and it really was worth our time and effort ;)

There were some hilariously funny incidents, like the guy buying the leather skirt for his friend, but asked how the female size translates to male size, err yeah… Then a rather large Laura Ashley dress, a left over from the 80’s, super frilly and we only bought it because for 15 (Euros or DM, not a clue anymore) with the tags still attached we thought we could run the risk. Add a Zero to the price and that is what we sold it for, prompt payment, we sent it off and a few days later we got a thank you mail with a picture attached… Bearded, heavily tattooed guy who looked like a trucker had poured himself into the dress, but in a way it was really cool how much he enjoyed it and for a while we were sort of pen friends, we were all girls and he had so many questions about makeup. It was really cool. I don’t think he was a TV, from the way he sounded, he just seemed to enjoy wearing feminine clothes. Made me wonder a bit why our society is so narrow minded. With our group and all being a little bit Goth leaning, a guy in a black kilt wasn’t something that shocked us, and from the guy in a kilt to a guy in a dress wanting to be feminine – not such a huge jump, really…

You know I’m still feeling a bit sad when I think about how many guys feel the need to hide it because it’s not considered “normal” behaviour. We girls got the liberty of wearing dresses, frills, or even men’s clothes (yeah, wearing a black T-shirt today that’s from the men’s department – most girlie T-shirts do have some stupid print or they’re cut a bit short and with hipsters, I don’t want to flash my ass crack about) and nobody bats an eye. Pretty fucked up that guys don’t have that liberty because some knuckle dragging ape will bully them.

I recall coming back a bit earlier one day and the boyfriend of that time wore my silk nighty, it was actually the top of an oversized silk PJ and I loved the feel of it Yeah it did give me a pause for a moment, but he was completely cool about it and mentioned how lovely it feels and it resulted in me going out and buying him some stuff and playing dress up with him. Funny, never liked playing with dolls, but when it comes to a bit of gender bending… We had a pretty good and adventurous sex life anyway and I still look back fondly (and try not to remember the fact that he was a cheating bastard with a wandering dick), it simply wasn’t such a big deal but just a bit of fun.

The way porn infiltrated the mainstream, I think BDSM is doing the same and it really is a great thing. Imagine you are drawn to something and you always feel the need to hide it or everybody will look at you in a weird way?

If people read and see more about it, and maybe experiment with it a bit themselves, no matter how mild, they won’t fear us as much, because let’s face it, we are a really tame bunch, yeah, some of the stuff might appear pretty violent, but hell, there is a lot of difference between whipping a willing participant and some wife beating thug or domestic violence.

I guess people start asking them selves if we are really that different, let’s face it, where do you draw the difference between vanilla and BDSM? Who hasn’t experimented a bit with tying somebody to the bed, maybe a blind fold, a bit of tease and denial, most couples who think BDSM is pretty horrible and freaky have done something along those lines, when they realize that we’re not all that different, maybe their attitude is going to relax and we are less the freak show.

And let me tell you, if shoe and foot fetishes would really be such a rare thing and belong exclusively in the realm of BDSM, then Jimmy Choo, Louboutin, Zanotti and all the rest wouldn't be quite so filthy rich and successful...

If it takes a poorly written book like 50 Shades to get them there, hey, I’m all for it! Bring on the cheesy novels, bring on the Domme Reality Shows shows and all the rest.

Btw that's the fabled corset...

Sorry for the bad blank out, but I don't have Photoshop (so I can't magivally lose 10 lbs) but I don't want to give my STALKER ammunition

BDSM Scandal - "Real Life 50 Shades of Grey"

Currently there is a scandal about a banker with his submissive girlfriend, of course the media labels it a real life 50 Shades, to be honest that is a good thing, because it means they are possibly not going to get dragged through the dirt as much as in the past.

I have no clue what happened, apart from what the gossip rags said, and we all know that they won’t let facts get in the way of a good story, but by all accounts, it just sounds like another relationship that has gone sour, if it wouldn’t be for the BDSM aspect, nobody would give a damn about it. There are tons of relationships that go sour every day, police gets called in because things escalate a bit, it happens but you don’t read about it in the papers.

This one seems to be a bit more restrained than the usual stuff, maybe because it’s a dominant and successful male and the general public is more inclined to sympathize with him being a bit kinky and “masculine”?

I’ve seen people label her as a victim who “endured all that pain”, well sorry, it was a BDSM relationship, I have a hunch that she might have enjoyed the pain, there are male and female masochists around and it doesn’t seem that the whippings are what caused the blow up, it seems it was that he strayed and found somebody else. So take out the BDSM stuff and it’s just a run of the mill breakup and the party who’s left behind gets angry. Nothing fucking newsworthy about it.

Happened to a friend of mine, only the scumbag left her with 3 small kids and a mortgage, dodged support payments and decided to start again with a young girl he knocked up. Chances are he’s going to leave her as well when the novelty wears off, but that’s her problem, getting involved with somebody who was in a relationship – duh, if he does it to somebody else for you, chances are he’ll do it for you, floors me how people can’t really figure that one out…

Anyway, she was struggling and almost lost her home, guess what? Wasn’t newsworthy because it’s far too common, guess if she would have thrown a whip or a pair of handcuffs in, it would have been different... /Sarcasm off

With what happened in the publicized breakup, I’m not freaking taking sides, maybe she was a pain to live with, maybe she just couldn’t deal with him breaking up with her, maybe he was playing around and was an ass about it – who the fuck knows and unless you are friends with them and know the inside story, why take sides?

It’s enough that a relationship has gone sour, common stuff that happens every day, just let them deal with it on their own. Why splash their faces all over the media?

Yes, the guy might have had pictures of him and tons of pretty women up on his site, he didn’t make a big secret of his life-style, nor did she, but then in fairness, she’s a fetish model, but that doesn’t mean that he wanted his clients to see the pics, and for them to discover it, they would have to have the same interest. Completely different story to some gossip rags exploiting it so they sell a few more papers.

To be honest, I hope that all his clients go “What a stud” and that his business thrives, and I hope she is getting lots and lots of model work due to the exposure, it would make up for being dragged through the media. 

And kudos to them for not talking to the media or giving statements! Let them starve, they aren’t publicity hungry celebs playing it out for PR reasons, they are private people who’s private lives are getting dragged through the mud!

For those who go “Oh well, but it’s BDSM and they went to parties” – oh yeah, so what? I mean how would anybody like it to see glorious details of their relationship being splashed all over the news? You know stuff like that you only do it in the missionary position, that your encounters only last minutes and all that shit. It’s just nobody’s business…

Oh and I hope that all the pictures were copyrighted and somebody is going to sue those rags for using them!

I just saw that she talked to the media - how crazy is that? I mean the NY Post? Doesn't she realize that they are just going to gobble her up and spit her out?

Though there is one thing, the whole thing is a bit less vicious than usual, I think it does have to do with the success of 50 Shades and with the fact that more and more people are open about being at least interested in BDSM. It's a bit harder for the media to paint us all as freakazoids and dirty perverts, when a lot of us lead perfectly normal lives, just with a bit of spice, and fetish clothes and a bit of whipping or bondage, is it really so much different from wearing sexy lingerie and foreplay? The women who have read 50 Shades and had a case of damp panties, and the husbands and boyfriends who benefited from the arousal of their spouses and might have experimented with a bit of BDSM themselves, they are less inclined to see us all some type of sex-crazed subhumans, so yes, something is won by being less hidden. Because people tend to fear what they don't know, if they learn about BDSM, they realize there really is nothing to fear and it's all consensual...

Another news flash, the lady in question maintains that she never spoke with the NY Post and the whole interview is a fabrication...  Quite shocking, unless you remember it's a Murdoch paper and they didn't mind hacking private phones, parents of soldiers who lost their lives in Afghanistan, so they could have 1st hand pictures about the shock, politicians, celebs, you name it... Wouldn't be the first time the Murdoch empire forgets all about ethics, mind you they don't seem to remember much about journalism anyway. 
Let's hope the latest 2 victims take them on and that they make an equal amount of money as Max Mosely made!

In case you see an edition of the NY Post anywhere, just email their advertisers and tell them why you won't buy their products anymore, the NY Post won't be around for long with out advertisers...

Public Service Announcement

This is almost an exact copy of what I put on my fetlife page, it has to do with the messages I get on lifestyle sites such as CM and FL. I mention in each of my profiles explicitly that I am not looking, do you think it stopped the messages "Hey, do you want to do ..... to me?"

Seriously, if I'm going to be a service top to a stranger, you better compensate me, doesn't have to be money. You best offer something in exchange because otherwise I feel used and ripped off. Of course I'll play with friends, but if you are writing to me out of the blue, you're not a friend, you are a stranger who's trying to USE me to get his kinky rocks off. Please do tell me what on earth is dominant about being used?

Oh I can hear that I should do it out of enjoyment, guess what, I can find that enjoyment with somebody who I know and like, not some stranger from the internet. You know somebody who might not try and dictate what I should do to him.
Let me be blunt (I know, very unusual for me): You're getting off on getting an enema and having your ass reamed with a strapon. That's absolutely cool, I don't have a problem with it, but that doesn't mean that *I* want to take time out of my daily schedule, have a stranger coming to MY home, that I want to look at your chocolate starfish, listen to you expelling the enema in MY bathroom (possibly cleaning up the mess you left - ewww), get dressed up (and then disinfect my clothes, the play area and the bathroom after you're done) use MY strapon on you (chances are that you also expect me to buy the enema, the condoms, etc.) all for the pleasure of fucking you in the ass. Give me a freaking break!

Oh I know, you're going to offer me compensation, right, you're going to offer oral worship and to be my sex toy. Sorry buttercup, I translate for you what you are saying to how I am receiving it:

"I'm going to eat you out as a reward, because I like performing cunnilingus and guys like BJs so all women must have wet dreams of strangers licking their pussy!"

Wakey wakey, smell the coffee, the idea of a stranger's lips and tongue on my nether regions makes me a bit queasy, and not the good way.

So basically what you're saying is, that this should be an irresistible offer for me, you mean I look so bad that I couldn't just walk into a bar and pick up a guy who'd go down on me as part of the sex? Charming! Or you think I look so awful that even hubby won't go down on me (like I'd marry a guy who'd be afraid of eating pussy - do I really look so stupid?), so I have to take you up on your offer?

See how well your offer worked? As an afterthought, I also know where my pussy has been, I have no idea where your tongue has been. (I think I just grossed myself out)

Btw, would you walk up to a girl in a vanilla environment and make her that offer or would you be worried to end up with a massive shiner and a few teeth missing? See where I am going with this? Exactly, if you wouldn't behave like a complete oaf and an Neanderthal in a vanilla environment or a vanilla site, then why on earth do you think you need to leave all manners and social graces with your coat, just because this happens to be a kinky site? Only a complete idiot would think so and I let you into another secret: Women usually aren't attracted to complete idiots!

Here it goes:

Guys, you might have a little bit more success if you wouldn't treat women as fetish delivery systems, nothing wrong with wanting a bit of kink or wanting it on tab whenever you want it, there are professional dommes who will give you exactly that, that's why they are "professionals" and they get compensated for their time and expertise. Please don't give me the BS that it's not the same, of course it isn't, but it's also not the same for a woman to get approached by a random guy expecting to get his kinky urges scratched because he wants to.

I get the hump a bit when horny net geeks think it's acceptable to more or less demand it because they like your pic (nope, I don't feel honored or flattered) but then complain if you suggest they see a professional, especially if they go on that they are just "prostitutes" - well actually, they are not.
All it means is that those jerks don't have any respect for women, and that's an instant turn off!

As a public service announcement guys:

• If you write to a woman for the first time, don't mention kink and try to write with both hands on the keyboard to a person not to a fetish delivery system

• Keep your pants on, you might think your dick is spectacular, we've possibly seen a lot more than you will ever do and unless we're really into you, it's just not that special or anything we want to see first! And really, present yourself from your best side, if a dick is all you got to show, chances are that we think you are a dick.

• There are a lot more guys than girls looking, so your chances are a lot worse from the word "go" - do you really need to fuck up for yourself with obnoxious emails?