Trolls on BDSM boards

Sadly enough you encounter trolls about everywhere on the net, but it seems on BDSM boards seem to be a bit worse than anywhere else.

Lately MF has had a huge influx of trolls, just one guy really, maybe with another idiot riding the coat tails, but a number of names.

Usually it's easy to ignore them, but this time a domme was targeted in the worst way possible, having been on the receiving end of such a little campaign by some deranged stalker, I had a fair idea how alone and horrible she felt through this, it's honestly not pleasant and it can get you down.

A couple of posters complained that I'm fanning the flames and I just should ignore the trolls, they do have a point, but after talking to the woman who was targeted and she said it meant the world to her that I spoke up for her, she received a ton of private messages of support, but nobody said anything in public and it was grinding her down.

When it comes down to giving support to the person who's unjustly attacked, I rather take the risk of a bit of fanning, because if you are in that position, it's horrible and for the person who's under fire, a little bit of support can mean a hell lot.

What I did in the end was make a post where I asked everybody to give a cheer for the domme being attacked, a ton of people joined in, she did feel better. So guys and girls, if you see some shit like that happening, some cyber-bullying or stalking, don't look away and just think ignoring them is enough, because for the victim and the abuser it looks like you're condoning their actions with silence.

Just my 5 cents

Convinced The Spouse But She's Unsure

OK, this one is just a shorty, working on a lengthy blog entry about something else, but it's something that came up a few times before. We went over that whole stuff about how to tell your partner and all of that, let me try to link:

BDSM and Betrayal

New To BDSM

BDSM and Guilt (which might you help to understand why your spouse is leery) 

BDSM and a Spouse   (How to tell her)

So today I stumbled across a really really interesting blog entry from some friends, it's basically about how to get comfy and how to start a scene, what to expect and all the panic attacks somebody goes through when they are domming for the first time:

So in case you are one of the lucky ones who has convinced the wife or the girlfriend to give it a try, you might want to point her in direction of this article (and read it yourself too, you don't expect her to do all the work) just to give her some reassurance and take some of the pressure off!


http://beyond50shades.com/planning-scenes-for-beginners/

Good luck to you and enjoy!!!

Force me...

It's one of my old pet peeves, really, this whole forced thing, if you desire something and especially in professional BDSM, there isn't anything really "forced" and that's great because otherwise it would simply be abuse. It's a popular theme in BDSM porn, but in BDSM porn the women are also often men hating freaks, which is quite different to somebody who has a loving relationship with a submissive!
You're requesting something and your fantasy is being forced to do it, it doesn't mean it's really forced!

I can understand that a submissive will want to do something for  his or her dominant that they don't enjoy but they know the dominant enjoys, that's a different issue because it's not forced, it comes from the desire to serve.

There are so many myths surrounding BDSM and one of the biggest is that BDSM is all about hurting people and forcing them to do things they don't want to do...
Well, if that would be true, then why on earth would clients actually PAY for it? Why would everybody stress consensual so much? Why would there be safewords?

There is a huge difference between BDSM and abuse!

Playfully forcing somebody - in a consensual non-consensual way - is a lot of fun, I guess it's something we've all experienced, somebody screaming NO NO NO but meaning YES YES YES, hey fun, we all got the safe word in case it's not fun anymore and so the dominant partner knows when to stop without breaking the illusion of force, yes, it's a fantasy game that is really really hot!

One thing that irks me without end is the molly coddling of subs and telling them that oh it's OK and that they were really forced. What's that about? Are there some dominant women who are really so freaking insecure that they need to suck up to every guys fantasy just for a bit of approval?

A lot of the blogs strike me as people who only dream about BDSM and are terrified to offend somebody, yet trying to stylize themselves as some sort of online BDSM authorities without ever having had a BDSM relationship. I just don't really get the reason behind it, if you want to have a relationship, get out, meet people and check out if you have the right chemistry.

There is no right and wrong way to do BDSM (apart from safety aspects, but that's pretty much common sense), if the people involved are happy, that's it, what anybody else thinks about your relationship or if you are doing it right or wrong shouldn't matter. Heaven knows that my relationship would be far too vanilla for most people and it really doesn't bug me one bit, we're both quite happy with the way it goes, so some internet stranger thinking we're not doing it right - yeah, that's going to phase me about as much as the proverbial bike in China.

A lot of the information on the internet and in BDSM porn is really confusing, there is a lot of day dreaming and there are tons of fantasy stories about what BDSM is. Of course it's more exciting if you make it out it's some dark and scary place, it will add to the mood, but in a relationship it can't come from a dark and forbidden place because the essential thing that you need is trust.
In BDSM porn the bitchy, man-hating domme is a thing that keeps reoccurring, but that's a fantasy, a BDSM relationship can only work if there is a feeling of mutual trust.

One thing that really gets me about some so called "Femdom" blogs is that they seem so desperate, basically anything the sub wants is OK, and he has to be applauded and coddled and told how much it is his right, how wonderful that he opens up and demands those things... I often think "Woman, get a foster child if you don't have one of your own".

This whole turning the submissive into some spoiled little brat and essentially bending over backwards to try and keep the illusion that he found a dominant woman (who is going to serve him and reinforce his expectations) is about as ridiculous as the whole femdom porn fantasy of the always leather/latex clad domme who hates men and will force them. It tends to reek of desperation, heck I like men, submissive or kinky, I like them as MEN, not children who need guidance. In short I want a willing partner in crime, not somebody I have to cajole and convince, stroke his ego all the time and basically serve him while desperately pretending I am his dominant.

Unless you are having a strictly professional relationship and not a relationship with some BDSM elements, the fantasy warrior idea won't fly. Essentially you have a partner and HOW the power exchange takes place and WHEN is up to you. The dominant doesn't automatically turn into a parent substitute, of course there is always age play but that is only one spectrum of BDSM.

Let me repeat, BDSM is all about consent, that means that you can withdraw your consent at any time in case it makes you feel uncomfy or you feel you're pushed to far, dominants don't tend to be interested in turning you into mindless drones, most BDSM relationships are actually very LOVING relationships, just with a bit of kink thrown in, often with power exchange in various ways, sometimes with a bit of pain, but there is no law that says pain is essential to a BDSM relationship, a lot of people have relationships of every kind, also BDSM relationships without pain!

BDSM and betrayal

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The theme comes up from time to time if it is betrayal if somebody is married and sees a pro domme, if you want to have everything in black and white and no shades of grey or colours exist in your world, then it’s of course a betrayal, unless you have the permission of your SO.

Now only if life would always be so simple… So many people think they can suppress their craving for BDSM and it doesn’t always work this way. Falling in love often makes you think everything is possible and that you can change. It’s also possible to fall in love with a person and love somebody you share your life with, without sharing every aspect of your sexuality with that person.

If your spouse is simply not into BDSM, and you force her to do something that she hates, it’s simply wrong.  I believe forcing somebody who’s vanilla to the core to play your domme and the person hates it every second, you just build up resentment and damage your relationship beyond repair. Apart from the fact that it comes close to abuse, have you considered how your partner may feel about it?

I shouldn’t have to say it again, but I think it can’t be said enough: Somebody who isn’t into BDSM is not narrow minded, is not boring or uptight and all that, they are simply not wired that way. Just like you might not be wired to find men sexually attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, just like there is nothing wrong with us. Being different doesn’t make you right or wrong, being into BDSM doesn’t make you a better and more open minded person (if you doubt me, have a look at MF).

I’ve said before that I met the nicest and most open minded people through BDSM, and it’s true, but to be fair, I also met the scummiest racist assholes, misogynists, bigoted wankers and backstabbing, stalking dirtbags through it. All it is is a sexual preference, doesn’t make you morally superior, more open minded and all that.

Would be nice if you could trust everybody who’s into BDSM, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t! Just like with everything else you should be careful who you trust, because the real scumbags are good at hiding their identity.

Getting back to the theme, it would be preferable if you could get your spouse to have an interest into BDSM, it won’t always work and you don’t want to shock her, so be careful with what you tell her and how you tell her. Give her time to get used to it and start with VERY MILD activities.

Now in case she balks and is shocked if you bring up some very mild activities like some mild bondage, don’t push any further and just let it rest.  Pressuring her won’t help, it will be a good way to mess up your relationship.

In case you won’t be happy without certain activities from time to time, go and see a pro domme. If you know the wife would freak out, well then shut the fuck up about it. You have to be aware that your first responsibility is to your wife and your family, that’s why I said go to a pro and keep it as a business transaction, don’t fool yourself into thinking this is the new great romance and you should leave your family for her. Do your best to hide it from your wife. I know it’s not honest, but in this case, honesty would only hurt your spouse, she would start to doubt herself, wonder why she can’t be everything for you and all that. Hardly anybody can be everything for somebody else.

Here’s a very sobering thought, I know a lot of people who got married because they were BDSM compatible, and in a lot of cases the guy simply loses all clear vision, it’s almost like a sub feeding frenzy: For the 1^st time there is somebody who indulges him and satisfies his kinks, they often get so blinded that they marry in a rush, only to find out that hardly anybody can live it 24/7. It’s the equivalent of vanilla people having great sex. Sorry for being crude, but a good fuck doesn’t make somebody compatible in other aspects or a good life partner. Long term you need a hell lot more than kink compatibility and infatuation.

So in case you decided to see a pro because you would be unhappy suppressing your BDSM desires, you owe it to your spouse (in case she would be hurt to find out) to make sure she will never find out. You also owe it to your family to not deprive them of money, if you can’t afford it, skip your lunch and save up for it. I know not nice, but tell yourself that it’s part of your service if it makes it easier. Go for the cheap option. Clean out the attic or the cellar and sell a lot of the stuff you don’t need on eBay, Craig’s List or Gumtree.

Apart from that, if you feel guilty, deal with it, don’t use the excuse that you want to be honest about it and burden your wife with the knowledge. Your feelings for her don’t change, if she’s not wired to share BDSM with you, knowing about it would make her unhappy, just so you could feel a bit better about “having been honest”. All you do is burden her with it so you feel a bit better and have the excuse of being honest.

It’s not her fault that she doesn’t like BDSM, just like it’s not your fault that you like it, but you owe it to her and yourself to keep your feelings in check, don’t session like crazy and make sure your family isn’t lacking anything.

Oh and something else, if you treat her like your personal servant, expect her to do everything in the house, have your dinner on the table on time and all that -  you’re not encouraging her to be a dominant, especially if you only want her to be dominant when and however it suits you. Think about that one before you claim the next time that you’re wife is just boring vanilla!

Btw here is a pretty good video, though it must be a bit old or quite a bit away from Central London, £150 an hour doesn't seem to be realistic for London, especially for the outrageous rents there.