BDSM and a spouse

Whenever BDSM comes up and somebody is sneaking around the wife, a lot of people raise the finger and point out how dishonest it was to get involved, knowing your spouse doesn't share it...

To be honest, yes, it would be better if you would have thought about it before you got involved, but let's face it, we don't have much of a choice who we fall in love with and maybe you really thought those desires and urges would go away, or maybe they weren't quite as prominent as they are now. I'm not giving you a free pass for cheating on your spouse, but if you insisting on it would mess up the relationship, then by all means rather than force your wife or girlfriend to do something she'd hate, take it outside and then your best option is a pro domme.

The problem a lot of people have is talking to their other half and explaining, it's a bit easier for women, with submissive guys the main worry the woman will have is if you aren't going to change. There are a lot of rumours about and a lot of misconceptions about BDSM and her hearing that you have submissive feelings, she is bound to worry how the whole relationship will change. It's your job to reassure her that you are not planning to change the whole relationship (and in case you do and she doesn't want that, do what's right and let her go - long term you are both going to be unhappy), that you aren't expecting her to lead you around on a leash day in day out or keep you in a cage under the bed.

Proceed with caution is all I can say, and think how you bring it up, might be a good idea to share a bottle of wine and watch a movie that is a little bit kinky to bring it up, or talk about music, BDSM images are in most music videos, a great opening to mention something innocent like "Have you ever experimented with BDSM?"
In case she denies it and wonders why you ask: "The clothes are so hot and I thought about it a few times, as long as it's not too extreme..."

Don't shock her away with your wildest desires, give her time to get used to it. Also have a few things at hand, that maybe blindfolds or tying somebody to the bed is already a mild form of BDSM, now who hasn't done that at least once, it will look less scary to her ;)

Always make sure she understands that you want to try it with HER, you trust her, you feel comfortable enough with her... No woman wants to get the feeling that she's just a fetish delivery system, so tell her she would look great in boots, how much it turns you on to see her in them, how much more it would turn you on to see her just in boots...

Once you made her curious and she's willing to experiment a bit with you, again go slow, and after each experiment, be super super attentive and loving (flowers, doing something she wants to do, cuddles, etc.), yes in a way you do condition her to see kink as something very rewarding, something positive... She might even take advantage of it and initiate kinky things more often.

You should also ask what her boundaries are, what she can imagine, what would turn her on, and while I don't think you should get her mindlessly drunk (dangerous and how much fun is it if somebody has to interrupt to run and vomit...) if a glass of wine or a glass of champagne just makes her a bit more relaxed, go for it.

For a lot of people it's super helpful if they're doing some kind of role play, you might even go to a hotel first to play there, pretend that she picks you up at the bar or something like that. A lot of times it will make it easier for her, she can just pretend to be somebody else, it might even turn her own...

Also make sure that she knows everything is consensual and that she can stop at any point, use the simple traffic light code:

Green: Everything is fine
Yellow: Careful
Red: Stop straight away

What's really important is that you shouldn't expect that it will work from today to tomorrow, give her time, don't push too far and don't stop being her partner otherwise, unless she indicates that she wants to take more control. Give her enough time to get used to something and get comfortable with it before you push further.

You know there is an excellent book you should consider getting for you and your girlfriend/wife:

When Someone You Love Is Kinky

BDSM and betrayal

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The theme comes up from time to time if it is betrayal if somebody is married and sees a pro domme, if you want to have everything in black and white and no shades of grey or colours exist in your world, then it’s of course a betrayal, unless you have the permission of your SO.

Now only if life would always be so simple… So many people think they can suppress their craving for BDSM and it doesn’t always work this way. Falling in love often makes you think everything is possible and that you can change. It’s also possible to fall in love with a person and love somebody you share your life with, without sharing every aspect of your sexuality with that person.

If your spouse is simply not into BDSM, and you force her to do something that she hates, it’s simply wrong.  I believe forcing somebody who’s vanilla to the core to play your domme and the person hates it every second, you just build up resentment and damage your relationship beyond repair. Apart from the fact that it comes close to abuse, have you considered how your partner may feel about it?

I shouldn’t have to say it again, but I think it can’t be said enough: Somebody who isn’t into BDSM is not narrow minded, is not boring or uptight and all that, they are simply not wired that way. Just like you might not be wired to find men sexually attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, just like there is nothing wrong with us. Being different doesn’t make you right or wrong, being into BDSM doesn’t make you a better and more open minded person (if you doubt me, have a look at MF).

I’ve said before that I met the nicest and most open minded people through BDSM, and it’s true, but to be fair, I also met the scummiest racist assholes, misogynists, bigoted wankers and backstabbing, stalking dirtbags through it. All it is is a sexual preference, doesn’t make you morally superior, more open minded and all that.

Would be nice if you could trust everybody who’s into BDSM, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t! Just like with everything else you should be careful who you trust, because the real scumbags are good at hiding their identity.

Getting back to the theme, it would be preferable if you could get your spouse to have an interest into BDSM, it won’t always work and you don’t want to shock her, so be careful with what you tell her and how you tell her. Give her time to get used to it and start with VERY MILD activities.

Now in case she balks and is shocked if you bring up some very mild activities like some mild bondage, don’t push any further and just let it rest.  Pressuring her won’t help, it will be a good way to mess up your relationship.

In case you won’t be happy without certain activities from time to time, go and see a pro domme. If you know the wife would freak out, well then shut the fuck up about it. You have to be aware that your first responsibility is to your wife and your family, that’s why I said go to a pro and keep it as a business transaction, don’t fool yourself into thinking this is the new great romance and you should leave your family for her. Do your best to hide it from your wife. I know it’s not honest, but in this case, honesty would only hurt your spouse, she would start to doubt herself, wonder why she can’t be everything for you and all that. Hardly anybody can be everything for somebody else.

Here’s a very sobering thought, I know a lot of people who got married because they were BDSM compatible, and in a lot of cases the guy simply loses all clear vision, it’s almost like a sub feeding frenzy: For the 1^st time there is somebody who indulges him and satisfies his kinks, they often get so blinded that they marry in a rush, only to find out that hardly anybody can live it 24/7. It’s the equivalent of vanilla people having great sex. Sorry for being crude, but a good fuck doesn’t make somebody compatible in other aspects or a good life partner. Long term you need a hell lot more than kink compatibility and infatuation.

So in case you decided to see a pro because you would be unhappy suppressing your BDSM desires, you owe it to your spouse (in case she would be hurt to find out) to make sure she will never find out. You also owe it to your family to not deprive them of money, if you can’t afford it, skip your lunch and save up for it. I know not nice, but tell yourself that it’s part of your service if it makes it easier. Go for the cheap option. Clean out the attic or the cellar and sell a lot of the stuff you don’t need on eBay, Craig’s List or Gumtree.

Apart from that, if you feel guilty, deal with it, don’t use the excuse that you want to be honest about it and burden your wife with the knowledge. Your feelings for her don’t change, if she’s not wired to share BDSM with you, knowing about it would make her unhappy, just so you could feel a bit better about “having been honest”. All you do is burden her with it so you feel a bit better and have the excuse of being honest.

It’s not her fault that she doesn’t like BDSM, just like it’s not your fault that you like it, but you owe it to her and yourself to keep your feelings in check, don’t session like crazy and make sure your family isn’t lacking anything.

Oh and something else, if you treat her like your personal servant, expect her to do everything in the house, have your dinner on the table on time and all that -  you’re not encouraging her to be a dominant, especially if you only want her to be dominant when and however it suits you. Think about that one before you claim the next time that you’re wife is just boring vanilla!

Btw here is a pretty good video, though it must be a bit old or quite a bit away from Central London, £150 an hour doesn't seem to be realistic for London, especially for the outrageous rents there.