Don't be a victim! Don't be Prey!

After the last blog update, I got such a resonance from women and men who have been stalked, some of the stories were really harrowing and the stuff nightmares are made of. I was aware that it happens very often, I had no idea HOW often.

I thought it's time to address it and show you that there is a life after and while being stalked, don't give the stalker power to take your life away, friends can tell you that I was in a bad state while it happened, my mistake was that I was late in looking for help, by help I don't mean talking to the police, though if anybody would start telephone terror again, I wouldn't even consider waiting until it "blows over", I would be straight down at the police. While it might not get worse and blow over, it's not worth taking the risk, seriously not.

What I mean with looking for help is apart from all the legal steps (do NOT delete anything, keep all the messages, have them printed out as you don't want them to get lost in a computer crash, have a diary where you write down every attempt to make contact, all the usual drill) go and see a help group, seriously, I can't stress enough how important a help group is. Not every group is a good fit, so do shop around. There are also a lot of online resources, utilize them:

Pandora's Project - Resources for stalking victims

More Resources for Stalking Victims

Cyberstalking

Victim Support

Create a log

http://cyberstalkerhelp.org/

Protect your eMail address

Protect your phone number

Alexis Moore - Advocate for Stalking Victims 

Mistress Didi's Article on How To Stop A Stalker 


Read the book: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Here are is a summary or what you should watch out for, but please read the book, it's a very pleasant read and reads more like a thriller:

• Forced Teaming. This is when a person implies that he has something in common with his chosen victim, acting as if they have a shared predicament when that isn't really true. Speaking in "we" terms is a mark of this, i.e. "We don't need to talk outside... Let's go in."
• Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a chosen victim in order to manipulate him or her by disarming their mistrust.
• Too many details. If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible to their chosen victim.
• Typecasting. An insult is used to get a chosen victim who would otherwise ignore one to engage in conversation to counteract the insult. For example: "Oh, I bet you're too stuck-up to talk to a guy like me." The tendency is for the chosen victim to want to prove the insult untrue.
• Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help to the chosen victim and anticipating they'll feel obliged to extend some reciprocal openness in return.
• The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, "I promise I'll leave you alone after this," usually means the chosen victim will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited "I promise I won't hurt you" usually means the person intends to hurt their chosen victim.
• Discounting the Word "No". Refusing to accept rejection.

Please, do talk to the police rather sooner than later, I understand you might be embarrassed, especially if your stalker met you on a kink related board, but the longer you wait the more difficult it becomes and the police is there to protect you, not to judge your life-style choices.

Warn them off ONCE, say loud and clear that you do not wish to have any further contact and keep a copy of it, or make a note about it, apart from that, nothing, do not give them a reaction, every reaction, even a "LEAVE ME ALONE" is encouragement for them... You tell them ONCE and then ignore, but do not delete their emails, you might need them if they "crank things up a bit".

Fact: In the US only 37% of the male and 41% of the female stalking victims go to the police!

I assume that in kink related cases the number is even higher due to the embarrassment of the victims, by NOT reporting a stalker, you're not only empowering the stalker, you also allow him or her to feel more secure and continue with his stalking, you're endangering somebody else! Think about it, wouldn't you have liked that his previous victim would have done something and stopped him or her?

The "if you ignore the stalker he will go away" theory is FALSE, in almost every case the behaviour will escalate over time. Don't wait until it gets worse!

Here is a rather sobering fact sheet

Stalking Fact Sheet 

About 10% of all the victims were stalked for 5 years or more. Can you afford to live in terror for 5 years or longer?

If you see signs of somebody being stalked, don't look away, you could be the next victim!

Look, being stalked is hardly ever the victim's fault, in most cases it isn't a complete stranger but somebody you know, be it in real life or online. There is no telling why somebody stalks you, most of them aren't even "crazy" in the usual term of the word, as in they haven't been diagnosed with a mental disorder. So the typical stalker that obsesses over a celeb is actually the minority. In terms of statistics, about 80% of the stalking victims are women, almost 90% of the stalkers are men.

What you shouldn't do is retaliate! Leave it to the authorities, it's not uncommon that the stalker will claim to be the victim and if you try to warn him or her off, she might actually take legal steps and claim you are the one doing the stalking (I was actually accused by my stalker of stalking him among a lot of other stuff, just to try and get others to cut contact with me). It's normal that you want to strike back and defend yourself, but by doing that, you are playing into the stalker's hands! In a lot of cases they also make false allegations to the police (been there), to cause trouble, their goal is to disrupt your life. A stalker in almost every case WILL make up lies about you, he wants you on the defensive, he wants to isolate you from your friends, for a stalker that IS a power game and he wants to present himself in a good light.

They will try to befriend people around you, it's a way of getting to you and they will try to influence them, sometimes they will succeed. I lost a lot of friends, some have disappointed me, but to be honest, in general, even while it hurt, I'm better off without them.

I'm not going to lie to you and claim that you're going to come out of such an experience unchanged, hell, I'm seriously dented, but you CAN get through and the sooner you get help, the quicker you react and ask for help, the less damaging it is for you. It was my mistake to wait too long, you know the "ignore him and he will go away" approach, I ended up throwing up so much, that my throat was sore and I had to deal with mouth ulcers as a result from the stomach acid. We went through changing numbers, you know removing myself as a target, it doesn't help, they're obsessed. Basically everything you do as a reaction to the stalking is a reaction for the stalker, something that tells him he's successful. They might be nuts, but most of them are cunning, they have to be or else they'd be arrested.
 
The best way is to avoid stalkers, however that's often not possible, because you don't have to invite them into your life, they force their way in, but a few clues how you might recognize them online:

If you see them following a poster around obsessively and trying to goad that poster or make snide remarks about him or her, it's a pretty good sign, just be careful and stay away from them.

I can't tell you enough how important it is to document everything, I know it's a lot of work, but you might need every piece of evidence you have, make screen shots, print them out, keep chat logs, phone logs, everything. It is normal to delete everything because you want nothing to do with the person (made that mistake myself) but it is exactly the wrong thing to do. It's overwhelming, I know, but chances are your stalker has experience and has stalked others before, he will know every trick in the book, why give him even more of an advantage?

If something feels creepy, trust your instincts:

 Look, you are certainly not alone in this:

 

Your silence empowers your stalker! Speak out! Get help! Contact the police and helplines!

Even if the videos bore you, here are a few more, seriously, if you wonder if you are being stalked, you probably are. Watch this 3 part series and listen to what the retired police officer says: Stalkers don't have boundaries!

Here is a documentary about cyberstalking, it's quite long and I haven't seen it completely yet...

And here is a somewhat sensational approach about stalking and how to decode their behaviour,  those cases usually end up with murder, it doesn't need to go that far for you to be afraid, but you really shouldn't take anybody stalking you lightly!

Romantic or creepy?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

BDSM and betrayal

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The theme comes up from time to time if it is betrayal if somebody is married and sees a pro domme, if you want to have everything in black and white and no shades of grey or colours exist in your world, then it’s of course a betrayal, unless you have the permission of your SO.

Now only if life would always be so simple… So many people think they can suppress their craving for BDSM and it doesn’t always work this way. Falling in love often makes you think everything is possible and that you can change. It’s also possible to fall in love with a person and love somebody you share your life with, without sharing every aspect of your sexuality with that person.

If your spouse is simply not into BDSM, and you force her to do something that she hates, it’s simply wrong.  I believe forcing somebody who’s vanilla to the core to play your domme and the person hates it every second, you just build up resentment and damage your relationship beyond repair. Apart from the fact that it comes close to abuse, have you considered how your partner may feel about it?

I shouldn’t have to say it again, but I think it can’t be said enough: Somebody who isn’t into BDSM is not narrow minded, is not boring or uptight and all that, they are simply not wired that way. Just like you might not be wired to find men sexually attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, just like there is nothing wrong with us. Being different doesn’t make you right or wrong, being into BDSM doesn’t make you a better and more open minded person (if you doubt me, have a look at MF).

I’ve said before that I met the nicest and most open minded people through BDSM, and it’s true, but to be fair, I also met the scummiest racist assholes, misogynists, bigoted wankers and backstabbing, stalking dirtbags through it. All it is is a sexual preference, doesn’t make you morally superior, more open minded and all that.

Would be nice if you could trust everybody who’s into BDSM, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t! Just like with everything else you should be careful who you trust, because the real scumbags are good at hiding their identity.

Getting back to the theme, it would be preferable if you could get your spouse to have an interest into BDSM, it won’t always work and you don’t want to shock her, so be careful with what you tell her and how you tell her. Give her time to get used to it and start with VERY MILD activities.

Now in case she balks and is shocked if you bring up some very mild activities like some mild bondage, don’t push any further and just let it rest.  Pressuring her won’t help, it will be a good way to mess up your relationship.

In case you won’t be happy without certain activities from time to time, go and see a pro domme. If you know the wife would freak out, well then shut the fuck up about it. You have to be aware that your first responsibility is to your wife and your family, that’s why I said go to a pro and keep it as a business transaction, don’t fool yourself into thinking this is the new great romance and you should leave your family for her. Do your best to hide it from your wife. I know it’s not honest, but in this case, honesty would only hurt your spouse, she would start to doubt herself, wonder why she can’t be everything for you and all that. Hardly anybody can be everything for somebody else.

Here’s a very sobering thought, I know a lot of people who got married because they were BDSM compatible, and in a lot of cases the guy simply loses all clear vision, it’s almost like a sub feeding frenzy: For the 1^st time there is somebody who indulges him and satisfies his kinks, they often get so blinded that they marry in a rush, only to find out that hardly anybody can live it 24/7. It’s the equivalent of vanilla people having great sex. Sorry for being crude, but a good fuck doesn’t make somebody compatible in other aspects or a good life partner. Long term you need a hell lot more than kink compatibility and infatuation.

So in case you decided to see a pro because you would be unhappy suppressing your BDSM desires, you owe it to your spouse (in case she would be hurt to find out) to make sure she will never find out. You also owe it to your family to not deprive them of money, if you can’t afford it, skip your lunch and save up for it. I know not nice, but tell yourself that it’s part of your service if it makes it easier. Go for the cheap option. Clean out the attic or the cellar and sell a lot of the stuff you don’t need on eBay, Craig’s List or Gumtree.

Apart from that, if you feel guilty, deal with it, don’t use the excuse that you want to be honest about it and burden your wife with the knowledge. Your feelings for her don’t change, if she’s not wired to share BDSM with you, knowing about it would make her unhappy, just so you could feel a bit better about “having been honest”. All you do is burden her with it so you feel a bit better and have the excuse of being honest.

It’s not her fault that she doesn’t like BDSM, just like it’s not your fault that you like it, but you owe it to her and yourself to keep your feelings in check, don’t session like crazy and make sure your family isn’t lacking anything.

Oh and something else, if you treat her like your personal servant, expect her to do everything in the house, have your dinner on the table on time and all that -  you’re not encouraging her to be a dominant, especially if you only want her to be dominant when and however it suits you. Think about that one before you claim the next time that you’re wife is just boring vanilla!

Btw here is a pretty good video, though it must be a bit old or quite a bit away from Central London, £150 an hour doesn't seem to be realistic for London, especially for the outrageous rents there.