Mainstream BDSM

I’m kind of backing off a bit in regards to 50 Shades, don’t get me wrong, there is still no literary merit in the book, the writing is seriously awful (why couldn’t they afford a good editor?), but I am realizing that it does change the perception of people in regards to BDSM.

Seeing women reading it openly everywhere, guys benefitting from the wet panties of their spouses, couples experimenting with mild BDSM in the bedroom, the idea of a Domme Reality Show being tossed around openly, magazines writing about integrating mild BDSM into your foreplay or bedroom antics, we are really really coming out of the shadow here with big steps.

It’s pretty hard to demonize something that you’ve tried yourself and possibly found really exciting. I remember reading my grannies gossip magazines, and there were those discrete ads for vibrators, pretty hilarious, women were holding them against their cheek or forehead and they were advertised as releasing tension and massaging away headaches… HA HA HA Well, that was before Viagra ;) Sex shops were hidden away in backstreets and as a child I really didn’t know why some shops had dark curtains on the shop windows (usually in backstreets around the station), asking mom or a relative who brought me to the paediatrician what’s in there (I was always an inquisitive gal), usually resulted in a sharp tug on the arm and a conversation about something completely else, often it involved getting an ice-cream cone! You bet that I learned pretty quick that stores with dark windows meant ice-cream and I became an expert at spotting them!

As a teenager, I finally twigged but thought they were more or less costume shops, the grown up equivalent for toga parties, but by then they were a lot less hidden and had actually some costumes in the shop windows, usually they looked like cheap carnival or Halloween costumes, very shiny… They actually had those boots from Pretty Woman in the shop window of a “speciality shoe shop” near Munich’s main station called “Exotic Heels”, the ones I lusted after ever since seeing the movie, I thought they would look really cool and Goth with my blue black hair and asymmetrical hairstyle, mom propelled me away ASAP…

A few years later I actually went into one of the “sex shops” with a friend, we had partied the night away (students, yay) and I confessed that I was never in one of them and my friend dragged me in. Actually it was a bit of a let down, I expected some sleaze and smut, but it looked so clinical, brightly lit and shiny, the lady behind the counter wore a white lab coat, was middle aged and had the typical frizzy mommy perm and asked if we are looking for toys, films or clothing. All very matter of fact and business like. I must have looked like a gold fish out of water, mouth opening and closing… It really was a bit of a let down, especially since the costumes that looked so marvellous, shiny, kinky and naughty, in the shop window (naughty nurse, cop, school teacher or girl, you got the idea) just seemed to be cheap plastic and polyester rubbish on closer inspection. Seriously, you could find a lot better stuff in any of the London Goth shops, cheaper and sexier too…

I think BDSM is going kinda the same way, I mean after my first experience with an “Adult Store” – the fear and slightly naughty feel about thinking of going into one of them was off. Some years later I actually bought a really good corset in one of those stores, not a cheap corselet, a proper steel boned corset, black silk outside and inside cotton. Cost me about as much as one of the cheap polyester ones would have cost me in a BDSM store.

It was around the time when I realized that a lot of the online shops actually charged more for fetish items than sex or BDSM stores, always being an enterprising nature, with a bunch of other students, we decided to make money from it. We went to thrift stores on a raid and bought everything that looked vaguely naughty dirt cheap and put it on eBay. Soon enough it actually paid a lot more than the student jobs we had (that was before they taxed and limited) and we found another niche – big sizes for cross dressers. We figured that anything people are embarrassed to be seen shopping will do well on the net and it really was worth our time and effort ;)

There were some hilariously funny incidents, like the guy buying the leather skirt for his friend, but asked how the female size translates to male size, err yeah… Then a rather large Laura Ashley dress, a left over from the 80’s, super frilly and we only bought it because for 15 (Euros or DM, not a clue anymore) with the tags still attached we thought we could run the risk. Add a Zero to the price and that is what we sold it for, prompt payment, we sent it off and a few days later we got a thank you mail with a picture attached… Bearded, heavily tattooed guy who looked like a trucker had poured himself into the dress, but in a way it was really cool how much he enjoyed it and for a while we were sort of pen friends, we were all girls and he had so many questions about makeup. It was really cool. I don’t think he was a TV, from the way he sounded, he just seemed to enjoy wearing feminine clothes. Made me wonder a bit why our society is so narrow minded. With our group and all being a little bit Goth leaning, a guy in a black kilt wasn’t something that shocked us, and from the guy in a kilt to a guy in a dress wanting to be feminine – not such a huge jump, really…

You know I’m still feeling a bit sad when I think about how many guys feel the need to hide it because it’s not considered “normal” behaviour. We girls got the liberty of wearing dresses, frills, or even men’s clothes (yeah, wearing a black T-shirt today that’s from the men’s department – most girlie T-shirts do have some stupid print or they’re cut a bit short and with hipsters, I don’t want to flash my ass crack about) and nobody bats an eye. Pretty fucked up that guys don’t have that liberty because some knuckle dragging ape will bully them.

I recall coming back a bit earlier one day and the boyfriend of that time wore my silk nighty, it was actually the top of an oversized silk PJ and I loved the feel of it Yeah it did give me a pause for a moment, but he was completely cool about it and mentioned how lovely it feels and it resulted in me going out and buying him some stuff and playing dress up with him. Funny, never liked playing with dolls, but when it comes to a bit of gender bending… We had a pretty good and adventurous sex life anyway and I still look back fondly (and try not to remember the fact that he was a cheating bastard with a wandering dick), it simply wasn’t such a big deal but just a bit of fun.

The way porn infiltrated the mainstream, I think BDSM is doing the same and it really is a great thing. Imagine you are drawn to something and you always feel the need to hide it or everybody will look at you in a weird way?

If people read and see more about it, and maybe experiment with it a bit themselves, no matter how mild, they won’t fear us as much, because let’s face it, we are a really tame bunch, yeah, some of the stuff might appear pretty violent, but hell, there is a lot of difference between whipping a willing participant and some wife beating thug or domestic violence.

I guess people start asking them selves if we are really that different, let’s face it, where do you draw the difference between vanilla and BDSM? Who hasn’t experimented a bit with tying somebody to the bed, maybe a blind fold, a bit of tease and denial, most couples who think BDSM is pretty horrible and freaky have done something along those lines, when they realize that we’re not all that different, maybe their attitude is going to relax and we are less the freak show.

And let me tell you, if shoe and foot fetishes would really be such a rare thing and belong exclusively in the realm of BDSM, then Jimmy Choo, Louboutin, Zanotti and all the rest wouldn't be quite so filthy rich and successful...

If it takes a poorly written book like 50 Shades to get them there, hey, I’m all for it! Bring on the cheesy novels, bring on the Domme Reality Shows shows and all the rest.

Btw that's the fabled corset...

Sorry for the bad blank out, but I don't have Photoshop (so I can't magivally lose 10 lbs) but I don't want to give my STALKER ammunition

BDSM Scandal - "Real Life 50 Shades of Grey"

Currently there is a scandal about a banker with his submissive girlfriend, of course the media labels it a real life 50 Shades, to be honest that is a good thing, because it means they are possibly not going to get dragged through the dirt as much as in the past.

I have no clue what happened, apart from what the gossip rags said, and we all know that they won’t let facts get in the way of a good story, but by all accounts, it just sounds like another relationship that has gone sour, if it wouldn’t be for the BDSM aspect, nobody would give a damn about it. There are tons of relationships that go sour every day, police gets called in because things escalate a bit, it happens but you don’t read about it in the papers.

This one seems to be a bit more restrained than the usual stuff, maybe because it’s a dominant and successful male and the general public is more inclined to sympathize with him being a bit kinky and “masculine”?

I’ve seen people label her as a victim who “endured all that pain”, well sorry, it was a BDSM relationship, I have a hunch that she might have enjoyed the pain, there are male and female masochists around and it doesn’t seem that the whippings are what caused the blow up, it seems it was that he strayed and found somebody else. So take out the BDSM stuff and it’s just a run of the mill breakup and the party who’s left behind gets angry. Nothing fucking newsworthy about it.

Happened to a friend of mine, only the scumbag left her with 3 small kids and a mortgage, dodged support payments and decided to start again with a young girl he knocked up. Chances are he’s going to leave her as well when the novelty wears off, but that’s her problem, getting involved with somebody who was in a relationship – duh, if he does it to somebody else for you, chances are he’ll do it for you, floors me how people can’t really figure that one out…

Anyway, she was struggling and almost lost her home, guess what? Wasn’t newsworthy because it’s far too common, guess if she would have thrown a whip or a pair of handcuffs in, it would have been different... /Sarcasm off

With what happened in the publicized breakup, I’m not freaking taking sides, maybe she was a pain to live with, maybe she just couldn’t deal with him breaking up with her, maybe he was playing around and was an ass about it – who the fuck knows and unless you are friends with them and know the inside story, why take sides?

It’s enough that a relationship has gone sour, common stuff that happens every day, just let them deal with it on their own. Why splash their faces all over the media?

Yes, the guy might have had pictures of him and tons of pretty women up on his site, he didn’t make a big secret of his life-style, nor did she, but then in fairness, she’s a fetish model, but that doesn’t mean that he wanted his clients to see the pics, and for them to discover it, they would have to have the same interest. Completely different story to some gossip rags exploiting it so they sell a few more papers.

To be honest, I hope that all his clients go “What a stud” and that his business thrives, and I hope she is getting lots and lots of model work due to the exposure, it would make up for being dragged through the media. 

And kudos to them for not talking to the media or giving statements! Let them starve, they aren’t publicity hungry celebs playing it out for PR reasons, they are private people who’s private lives are getting dragged through the mud!

For those who go “Oh well, but it’s BDSM and they went to parties” – oh yeah, so what? I mean how would anybody like it to see glorious details of their relationship being splashed all over the news? You know stuff like that you only do it in the missionary position, that your encounters only last minutes and all that shit. It’s just nobody’s business…

Oh and I hope that all the pictures were copyrighted and somebody is going to sue those rags for using them!

I just saw that she talked to the media - how crazy is that? I mean the NY Post? Doesn't she realize that they are just going to gobble her up and spit her out?

Though there is one thing, the whole thing is a bit less vicious than usual, I think it does have to do with the success of 50 Shades and with the fact that more and more people are open about being at least interested in BDSM. It's a bit harder for the media to paint us all as freakazoids and dirty perverts, when a lot of us lead perfectly normal lives, just with a bit of spice, and fetish clothes and a bit of whipping or bondage, is it really so much different from wearing sexy lingerie and foreplay? The women who have read 50 Shades and had a case of damp panties, and the husbands and boyfriends who benefited from the arousal of their spouses and might have experimented with a bit of BDSM themselves, they are less inclined to see us all some type of sex-crazed subhumans, so yes, something is won by being less hidden. Because people tend to fear what they don't know, if they learn about BDSM, they realize there really is nothing to fear and it's all consensual...

Another news flash, the lady in question maintains that she never spoke with the NY Post and the whole interview is a fabrication...  Quite shocking, unless you remember it's a Murdoch paper and they didn't mind hacking private phones, parents of soldiers who lost their lives in Afghanistan, so they could have 1st hand pictures about the shock, politicians, celebs, you name it... Wouldn't be the first time the Murdoch empire forgets all about ethics, mind you they don't seem to remember much about journalism anyway. 
Let's hope the latest 2 victims take them on and that they make an equal amount of money as Max Mosely made!

In case you see an edition of the NY Post anywhere, just email their advertisers and tell them why you won't buy their products anymore, the NY Post won't be around for long with out advertisers...

Lots of Shades - or 50 Shades of BS

You guessed it, I really didn't like the book, mind you I only read the first book of the trilogy and it was torture. Let me get it straight, I'm the sadist here, not the masochist who should suffer, it honestly was serious determination and stubbornness (it has been mentioned that I possess those qualities, the more unflattering term is actually stubborn bitch) that kept me going. Not just the story is unbelievable and so retro, the writing is bad, seriously bad. I had to force myself to not throw it into a corner or to whimper loudly, I did swear a bit though!

Instead of going on and on, somebody said it all before and possibly better than I could:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/06/fifty-shades-of-fcked-up-trista-hendren/ 

I just copied and pasted some quotes, that's what you're getting in for if you buy the book:

“Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that’s still floating in my brain, but somehow, because it’s him, I don’t mind.” (62)

“Desire. This is desire. This is what it feels like.” (68)

“I think I’m in shock. My subconscious has emigrated or been struck dumb or simply keeled over and expired. I am numb. I can observe and absorb but not articulate my feelings about all this, because I’m in shock….Fear…yes…that seems to be the overriding feeling. I recognize it now. But weirdly not of him—I don’t think he’d hurt me, well, not without my consent.” (99)

It is pretty bad, honestly, in my view it is cliche ridden granny porn, I know they dubbed it mommy porn but most mothers are possibly not that prude and have steamier sex, I mean the sexual revolution has happened, hasn't it? The pill, free love and all that, 60's and 70's, the glorious days we only hear about, when women had contraception and nothing you could catch couldn't be taken care of by a few shots of penicillin. As long as you block out the thought that your own parents were possibly part of it (I think I made myself sick with that train of thought), it sounds like the golden age of the sexual liberation (though there wasn't much personal grooming or manscaping going on, eeek), no scare of AIDS.
Getting a bit of track here, but I had a lot of conversations with a friend about the difference in the generations, for somebody who didn't grow up and into their own sexuality with the threat of AIDS, it might be pretty hard to understand why we are so terrified of it. I recall that the idea of losing my virginity was completely overshadowed by being afraid of AIDS, contraception was easy to get, the pill, condoms, etc. But AIDS... I was never a fan of Queen but you couldn't escape their music, Freddy Mercury wasting away and dying - it wasn't something that made you particularly horny, even as a randy teenager... But I digress...

Luckily I didn't spend money on the book, borrowed it from a friend, other half was quite excited, he had heard that women get all frisky when reading it, so he didn't mind me reading it in bed (usually always a bit of an issue "I can't sleep when you got the light on...") but you know what, it actually turned me off and he was even more upset. Not just because I really didn't want to jump his bones after dutifully slogging through some pages, but because I kept him awake by swearing loudly and annoying him with comments like "What the f***? Couldn't they afford an editor? This isn't even Mills and Boon level, it's freaking awful..."

Seriously, I'm not a prude, but one review said it would get women's mind away from the laundry and into sex, didn't work for me, before I read part 2 and 3, I think I'd rather do laundry for a whole week, it's less annoying and mentally and sexually more stimulating.

I don't hate the author, in fact, I'm a bit envious and yeah, if I could make money from writing such shit, I totally would. Sod artistic integrity, I'd be laughing all the way to the bank, but I think I would have used a pen name, and then I'd possibly invest some of the fortune I made into creative writing classes. But hey, it's not a bad gig if you can get it.

In a way I am fascinated by the book, or rather the people who get turned on by it. I can't get over the fact that women in this day and age find abusive relationships a turn on, nothing wrong with kinky but manipulating is just not fun.
Christian (the "hero") is not only unrealistic, he's also really fucked up. In our teens we possibly all fell once or twice for an emotionally unavailable guy and suffered for it (I had Mr Terminal Zipper Problem - nice guy, very good looking, just couldn't keep his dick to himself and yes, it ended badly - in case he stumbles across this, sorry that I broke a plate on your head but the bleached bitch was seriously too much) but we all grew up.

Maybe that's the key? The women who like 50 Shades of Poo got the whole guilt thing about sexuality internalized, a bit like a rape fantasy, they're not in control, they're not guilty, because after all sex is something that good girls don't really enjoy... I thank my lucky stars that I ceased to be a good girl a long time ago and I don't need a controlling and emotionally damaged dick (pun intended) to give me orgasms...

I possibly can't stop anybody from reading the book, but I'd hope that anybody who spends money on it will at least consider giving part of that money to a charity, preferably one for abused women!

I climb off my soap box now!