The perfect session

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How to…

Well how to have the perfect session is one of the questions that gets asked frequently, and to be honest, I can’t give you any guarantees, nobody can. It does help if you communicate clearly what you are looking for, do your research and keep a clear head, and be aware that there is a difference between fantasy and reality. In your fantasy something might be really really exciting, in reality the pain or whatever activity was so exciting in your fantasy, simply might not turn you on

I know it can be taunting and actually quite embarrassing to phrase what you want, your doubts and your insecurities, but trust me, most dommes have heard it all. What’s better, being embarrassed for 5 minutes or spending 2 or 300 bucks for a session that didn’t quite turn out as you planned because you didn’t tell her?

Sessions really depend so much on chemistry, I always find it so funny if people ask me what my all time favourite activity is, I honestly can’t tell you, because it depends so much on the person I play with. Something that has me more or less salivating with somebody, it can leave me completely cold with somebody else.

So when it comes to booking sessions, I would seriously recommend to look for somebody who has similar interests, but even more than that, somebody you have a vibe with.  Looks have a lot to do with it, but don’t get hung up on looks, model looks don’t automatically mean a great session, as long as you are attracted to the domme, that’s really all it takes.

Over the years, I have seen some really stunning women, of course guys will flock to them first, but more than once the same guys came out of a session with a long face. All too often they just relied on their looks. That’s not to say that every gorgeous domme doesn’t know what she is doing, some are amazing, but you have to talk to them, find out about them and if they’d be right for you. Does she listen to what you are looking for and actually talk to you, asks questions and makes sure she understands it?

Seeing a domme is a bit like going to a restaurant, if you don’t like rice, best avoid Asian restaurants, if you don’t like it spicy, Mexican is possibly out…  You do your research and you are trying to find a dish that you will like. It’s really not so different.

Or imagine buying a suit or shoes, one pair might look great but they just don’t fit right…

Talk to a few dommes, get a feel for them, you don’t have to waste their time but you can have interactions with them. Trust your gut feeling, but remember, it’s a session, it’s really not a life-partner. And also bear in mind that your fantasies are almost always a lot better, fantasies don’t hurt, everything happens just like you want it to happen. Unless you find a domme who’s also a mind reader, it’s not very likely that it will happen in session just as perfect as in your fantasy. Try and be open minded and get her input, she might have some ideas herself… In case she doesn’t, well, do you want to spend money on somebody who doesn’t even want to give you input?

The sad reality is there really is no guarantee for a stellar session, but you can do your part to minimize the risk a bit. Also if you are not too hung up on your fantasy and open minded about letting the domme work within a range, you might do a lot better if you’re open minded and you don’t want your fantasy replicated in real life, that’s almost always a recipe for disaster. Even if you have experience and you’re looking for another domme, take each woman as a new experience and not a replacement for the previous domme, you get much more out of it this way!

Basically getting a good session is a bit of a gamble, most of the sessions where guys claimed they were stellar (apart from the usual BS when they are still flying high on endorphins and you have to take it with a grain of salt anyway), looking back, from just the activities they weren’t all that stellar or outrageous, we just happened to have fairly good chemistry, which often really makes all the difference.

Ever fallen in love with a pro domme?

Ever fallen in love with a pro domme?

Have you ever fallen in love with a professional domme? Happens, unfortunately quite frequently and you know what I am going to tell you, right? Get a reality check.

Let’s assume for a moment that it’s going to work out and she feels the same way you do, and you’re both single, it does happen, though not very often, what then? You think it’s really cool and for a while you might be deliriously happy, but then reality sets in.

All those kinky things you really like, she’ll possibly will still be doing them with others and unless you are one of the very rare guys that aren’t jealous, it’s going to cause some friction. First you’ll feel a bit odd about it, but over time resentment will build up and all too often you’re going to clash and have arguments….

I know, all the cool clothes, tools and all that, and you got free access to it, and a fetish delivery system – sorry, dominant girlfriend – on top of that. Sounds great, but hey, maybe she is a bit tired when she comes back from work, maybe she just wants to have a foot rub? You know she spent the whole day in those cool boots that just aren’t comfortable, those really nice corsets, I love them but they really aren’t all that comfortable… I think most BDSM clothes look really great and hot and I do love wearing them, but they JUST AREN’T COMFORTABLE! So running around the house in it, not really. A day in the dungeon and you’re actually really happy to put the fuzzy slippers on, and something that’s comfy.

Oh you want to play now? But I’m just a bit tired, I just want to flop out on the sofa and please, how about that foot rub? You’re not into feet if they’re not in boots or high heels… Oh dear…

Another day, we’re both in the mood to play and I got some new tricks and I’m going to do some really cool things to you. What do you mean? Where did I learn them? In the dungeon of course. Who was the guy? A client… Why are you pulling a face? Why do you have to ruin the mood? You do know what I do…

Yet another day or week, I’m so looking forward to coming home, and wow, we’re going to have some fun. Why do you need to know why I am aroused all of a sudden? What happened, what have I done, who have I met? Why are you so grumpy? Look, let’s not talk about all this, the mood is ruined now anyway, let’s watch some TV….

I know I’m a kill joy, but seen it happening frequently and it never really works out long term. To be honest, I can’t even blame the guys, it must be really difficult if you know that your gf is doing all those things you like with other guys. Oddly enough often guys who aren’t submissive have less of a problem with it, because it’s stuff they don’t want to have done to them. If you’re into it, sooner or later you’re just going to ask yourself what she’s doing, if she might enjoy it more with somebody else. You think that you met her as a client, so maybe she will meet somebody else… It may work in the first honeymoon phase, but once reality and jealousy sets in, the sparks are going to fly and not in a good way. Or resentment sets in festers, which is even worse…

Then of course there are those who are in relationships and the bloom might be off a bit, the wife might not scratch the kinky urges and all of a sudden there is an attractive female who does. Quite natural to think that a life like that would be bliss…

Reality check: Divorces are messy, would you really leave the partner you have spent years with and build a life together with and risk it all? Even if the domme is willing to make a start with you – see above. Could you really cope with it? REALLY?

How about us? You think we are going to trust a guy who leaves his partner for us? Chances are he's going to leave us too if something more tempting comes along. 

There’s nothing wrong with having a mild crush on the woman you session with, it makes it more exciting, but you are doing everybody a favour if you do reality checks from time to time and you don’t let it get out of hand.

In case you’re going overboard and she has a shred of morals, she’ll give you a talk and will try to discourage you. While it might be flattering that a guy falls in love with you, it’s also a bit uncomfortable. Somebody has feelings for you you just don’t and can’t return. It’s really icky. Talk about walking on egg shells!  You’d like to do something, but you double check with yourself if he might not misunderstand it. Woah, talk about stress and feeling uneasy.

It’s a bit like that guy in high school who was crushing on you and you were in the same group, but you just weren’t interested and you tried to avoid him or just be normal and friendly to him.

From a business point of view it’s even worse, if the guy doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll be angry and disillusioned. Best thing that’s going to happen is that you have a disgruntled client who’ll bitch about you, possibly going on about “leading him on” (even if he really didn’t take the hints), or if he’s a complete idiot, he’s going to cause trouble, if he’s mentally unstable he might stalk you.

I hear a lot about guys who complain that they were led on, yes, some dommes will, being a domme doesn’t make everybody into a nice moral being, hey, being a kinkster doesn’t turn everybody into a nice person, get with the program! I hear all about your vulnerability as a submissive, but let me put the breaks on for a moment. Being a submissive doesn’t mean you turn all of a sudden into a brainless and spineless creature. You are having a sexual preference, it’s just that, a sexual preference, it’s not a brain tumour or free pass to stop using your brain and good judgement! As a grown up, you learned – or should have learned during puberty – to not think with your lower regions. You’re a grown up, act like one. Your sexual preference doesn’t influence your work life, does it? It doesn’t stop you from hanging out with friends and enjoying yourself, if you are having an abusive friend, you’d get rid of him or her.

In case you are perfectly capable of leading a normal life outside of the dungeon, don’t leave your brain outside once you enter a dungeon. BDSM is a sport for grown ups, act like one. Have frequent reality checks. If you’re applying for a job, you check the company, you don’t just hear what you want to hear, if you’re employing an electrician or a plumber, you also listen to what they say and do a reality check. In case they promise you to turn your fish tank into a combines TV/microwave – you’d tell them to take a hike. If a female insurance sales person flirts with you to get you to sign an insurance you don’t need, you decline.

Let me repeat something: You are going to a PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX (hint: the clue is in professional), you are paying a few hundred bucks to get you kinky needs met. Doesn’t mean there can’t be a friendship outside those sessions, but you aren’t having the most meaningful relationship ever just because you pay to session with her. Friendships are mutual things.

Now if you want to know if it is a real friendship or just a “business friendship lite” ask yourself, would she still be in contact with you if you weren’t a client? If the answer is yes, then you are really friends, enjoy. If the answer is no, then you’re having a casual friendship with somebody you also like on a professional basis. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s UP TO YOU to do that reality check. Don’t put the responsibility on the domme.

Now in case a domme does play with your feelings, it’s not very ethical, yes, but on the other hand, shouldn’t you have thought about a bunch of things yourself and taken responsibility for your own actions? You know, waited until you haven’t got a hard-on anymore and can use your brain and then asked yourself a few questions, namely why somebody half your age would spend time with you… Again, you might find a hint in the word professional.

Now before you tell me that I’m all negative against pro dommes, I am not! Trust me, I do know how much it costs to have equipment, fetish clothes and all that, it’s an investment. Learning how to do it takes time. It’s not easy money, you have to like what you are doing or else it really fucks you up, heck, it sometimes even fucks you up if you like it because you aren’t always dealing with well adjusted people. 

The thing is, because you had a mind blowing hour in the dungeon, it doesn’t mean you own a piece of our ass, it doesn’t mean we are responsible for your feelings. You came out of your own free will because you wanted to purchase that hour, and you possibly feel a lot better once you got those desires out of your system. We’re not therapists, if it feels therapeutic for you, GREAT! But please, do not make the pro domme responsible for your whole life, your feelings and what you decide to do with your life. If that would be an option, we’d offer monthly or yearly contracts, not play by the hour!

Sorry for the long rant, but just got off the phone, a friend of mine (yep, a pro domme) just told me that one of her clients decided to tell her that he left the wife and wants to live with her happy ever after. From what she told me, and knowing her quite well, entirely believable, they sessioned twice a month. Sometimes sat down for a chat or a coffee, he knows she’s married and there was never any talk about it being more than a professional relationship and a bit of friendly chitchat about work, his hobbies and vacations. She actually thought he was well grounded but apparently midlife crisis got the better of him!

Thinking back...

I was thinking back and being a bit melancholy, remembering the fun times in sessions, even if they weren’t that funny at the time being, some of the experiences I just wouldn’t like to miss ;)

One of my favourite memories is the guy who was well into his 80’s, now not that this was so outrageous, quite a few older guys who were into BDSM, but he was really special. He wanted to be a bride and he had the most gorgeous wedding dress and bridal lingerie, everything. Like clockwork he would show up once a month and book 2 hours, it took at least 30 minutes to get him into his finery, lace him up in the white corset, then put the dress on, then the wig, the veil… You get the idea…

The rest of the time I spent playing mother of the bride and telling him (the bride) about the “facts of life” and that it won’t be pleasant but it’s needed to please the husband and have kids.

Sounds really boring but it wasn’t, he so got into his role and started to cry, he panicked at the thought of sex and losing “her” virginity. I really started to grow to like him and looked forward to seeing him again. He never talked much, thanked me after every session and left. It was strange, despite no "real" BDSM activities happening, it always got so intense, and I almost felt like the mother of the bride...

Then there was the guy who annoyed the hell out of us, kept on calling the dungeon, telling us we’re not hard enough for him. In the end we offered him a free session just to lure him in. I had some fun with that, sometimes a good mindfuck is just what is needed ;) So I found a clothes iron, heated it up but hid it, and a package of frozen fish fingers. 

When he came, we put him face down on the rack, before he got the blindfold on, I spat on my finger and checked the iron, it sizzled nicely. When he was blindfolded and gagged (and of course secured safely on the rack), I told him he will get a big brand as a reminder, before we start sessioning “for real”. He started to flap like a fish out of water, I grabbed the frozen package of fish fingers and just pressed them on his back. Hot or cold – feels the same for the first few moments, the nerves can’t tell the difference. Despite the gag, he almost screamed the place down. Had to untie him and let him go, because in his fear he had peed all over the rack. Wasn’t nice to clean up but hey, at least he never ever called again…

Another classic was the guy who insisted on a bull whipping, vehemently against any kind of warm up, I had to actually negotiate that I would be allowed to warm him up, I think I told him I wouldn’t take the session otherwise. He was seriously pissed off with that but grudgingly agreed, kept on telling me he’s so experienced and I seem to be an amateur, and safe word, he won’t need it, it’s all bullshit and only for wusses. So once I had him secured on the cross, I started with a warm up, he did scream a hell lot for such a hard dude. I thought the whole “Stop, ouch, stop” was just part of his game, you know the “forced” stuff or to make it more real for him and got a paddle, screaming got louder, I still thought it’s part of his act, I mean he was so insistent on no warm up and all that and his experience.

Next I grabbed a flogger and after a few not even hard strokes he seemed to be close to a collapse. I decided to check with him and step out of costume for a while, because by then tears were screaming down his face.

He told me he couldn’t take it anymore and it is really far too painful. I was really puzzled and said that we were still doing the warm up and he had mentioned his experiences and that he had it done plenty of times before.

To cut a long story short, it turned out that he had watched an OWK video (I am dating myself here) several times, and it didn’t really look so painful…

I bet my face didn’t look very smart when my brain digested that information, a real DUH moment…

Maybe I should do a little blog entry about session bloppers…

Dommes, clients, friendship...

A comment made me realize that maybe my blog makes guys feel uneasy, well, to be honest, I did warn you right at the beginning that you wouldn’t like it and that I’d bust some myths…

Actually the blog is nothing against clients, if I’m honest, the majority of clients was fine and a delight. As crazy as it sounds, I met life-long friends through sessions, people I’m still in touch with and I still spend time with. Not on a D/s basis, but simply as friends. People I can call up if I want to talk about something completely unrelated, I can use them as sounding boards and they usually give me good advise – and of course they can call me anytime and frequently do. We’re simply friends, like lots of other people, a sexual orientation is just that, doesn’t really change your personality

Some of the smartest and most open minded people I’ve ever met are into BDSM, be they masochists, fetishists or submissives. What apart from the fact that they’re into BDSM and we share a common interest, makes them friends? Pretty simple, that’s not the only interest we share, and there is chemistry. A common interest in BDSM is not enough, come on, how many people share a hobby with you but that’s the only thing you have in common, doesn’t automatically qualify them as friends.

Friendships happen in a lot of different places, but they require work from both sides. I made friends in the weirdest places, once at the dentist, seriously, a guy who was even more scared than me and I tried to calm him down. He waited until I was finished and asked me if he could buy me a drink as a thank you. He didn’t try to pick me up, he was just nice, and trust me, women have a radar for that.

In case you don’t strike up a friendship with your domme, don’t be disappointed, there can be a lot of reasons for that. For one, you guys are the ones who always want their privacy respected, you head off home and that’s it for us, let’s face it, most of you guys aren’t at liberty to strike up a friendship because you’re in a relationship already.

For a lot of dommes it’s simply self-preservation to keep their distance, you guys often wander on to the next domme, we don’t even hear what has happened to you. Then some guys just freak out and become stalkers, endangering our private lives and often our work situation. Place yourself in our shoes, what on earth would you do?

The best thing you can do is enjoy a session for what it is and then back to real life, in case you get on with your domme and a friendship develops, great, enjoy, if not, don’t sweat it, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you or that you’re a bad person, it just means that she has a life outside of domming and you don’t fit into that life and she wants to keep her normal life separate from her BDSM life. Pretty much like the majority of clients do.

So guys, don’t feel bad about being clients, you go and see a pro domme to get an urge scratched, that’s a hell lot better than pretending that you don’t have the urge and being miserable and lashing out to everybody who does (a bit like the closet queers are the biggest gay bashers). Just do a reality check from time to time. Keep pro domination where it belongs to, in the dungeon. Trust me, everybody is much happier this way.

I’m not claiming that I know it all, I can only tell you what worked for me, and outside of the dungeon was outside of the dungeon. The friends I made were just that outside of the BDSM environment, friends, people I sat down with, went for a drink with, discussed problems and all that. It’s a give and take, it doesn’t work with everybody, if it works, enjoy, if not, trying to force it is definitely not going to work!

How dare he ask for....

Of course it's annoying if in a professional session guys think that they are seeing an escort (and nope, I have no problem with escorts, in fact I'm deeply grateful that there are escorts, the reasons for that I might discuss later) and gets all funny, demanding things that clearly aren't on the menue. I really don't get it, I mean sorry, you don't go into a Jewish restaurant and order pork chops or lobster.

It's a bit of a double edged sword really, on one hand it's the sex industry, adult industry, however you want to dress it up, anybody working in there shouldn't be shocked all that easily and if you can't handle a guy asking for "extras", get out of it and work in an office. What on earth don't you get about SEX worker? Oh I hear you, of course you are not a sex worker, you provide therapy and it's all about BDSM. Since when is BDSM not sexual? Have you had a look at yourself in your "work gear" lately or your advertising? Skin tight latex and leather outfits, vinyl if you want to cut costs or your lingerie if you don't want to make an investment, high heels, stockings, corsets... You don't take pictures in a burka do you? When was the last time that a client wanted to session with you because he found you so unattractive?

Seriously, if you don't want to admit you work in the adult industry, get out of it, if you want to be a therapist, get your butt to university and become one. Listen, I'm not saying that it's right that the guys ask for something that is not on the menue and I am not saying you should give all kinds of things ending in job, have your own boundaries and make them clear, but acting all butthurt because a guy asks for extras makes you look stupid, naive and weak. Learn to deal with it efficiently, what is so difficult about saying "Sorry, I don't offer that in case it's very important for you, let's cancel the session!" In case you had to book a rental or had expenses getting there, you subtract that from the session fee and hand him the rest back. Don't go overboard and only do that if you actually had costs, if you are working at a house and you were there anyway, you don't charge, unless you bought something specifically for the session. If you kept a time slot open for him, it's fair to charge him between $20 and $50. Of course the classy thing is to hand him back the money, but seriously, what's classy about them? I would consider it a "wanker fine" and hopefully they will learn.

It reminds me of the story of Mr Handjob, when I was in NYC several dommes told me that there is this guy and a good review from him tells the world he got a HJ. Being European, I have a different approach to it, nothing to do with legality, again personal preference. I'm not afraid of touching a cock, how else could I do CBT? Throwing darts? If it's on my terms, not a problem, you ask for it, you won't get, simple as that. Yes, you are booking a service and you have a right to tell me what you want and what you don't want, hard limits, etc, but that ends somewhere because essentially you are coming in for a domination session. In case you want to dictate everything, it's fine but then I'm the wrong gal for you, we might not mesh, it really is that simple.

Now Mr HJ books a session with Domina M, she's stunning but always made it clear that she does like to be in control and that there won't be extras. I forgot if it was in the middle or at the end of the session, he decides to demand a HJ with the brilliant excuse that he has diabetes. Fuck me sideways, did he think she has healing hands or what? Result, she kicked him out and he's been moaning and groaning ever since and doesn't understand that a bunch of dommes refuse to see him. I wonder why that could be?

Here is one for you guys and girls, nobody with half a brain will give you any type of job during a first session, it would be criminally stupid if you are in the US (legal reasons), so should something occur later on in that relationship, do yourself an effing favor and keep your mouth shut about it for obvious reasons. One of them is that the BDSM scene is rife with gossip, you might tell one person, do you know who that person is going to tell and how much gets added. Ever played Chinese Whispers? It's exactly like that and nothing good comes out of it, often bad blood. So forget about the bragging rights, because seriously, if she hears about it, she'll make sure it won't happen again and other dommes will be very very careful. Loose lips sink ships... Plus you might need a recommendation one day, for tht domme you really really want to see, what do you think that's going to look like? Food for thought?

Another thing that I find really really funny is the dommes who get so outraged about clients who ask for extras, yet they have the hottest and most explicit shots and videos on their sites or in their C4S stores. No, I am not judging and I honestly couldn't care less if the guy you're fucking and sucking with is boyfriend, husband, a stranger or how one domme claims "pleasure slave", I know there is a massive difference between movies and real life sessions but do you think the guy who bought your clips and masturbated himself into oblivion will apply logic and rational thinking? He's not going to sit back and wonder "What relationship does she have with that guy?" He sees you being licked, doing all sorts of "jobs" and possibly being fucked - what on earth do you think he's going to expect in a session? The unapproachable Ice Maiden? Goddess Frigid?

I know sex sells and all that, but write a HUGE disclaimer on your site, preferably in RED, I'm willing to bet that there is still much more noise (or requests for the extras you are showing in your clips) and yes, most guys will not read your webpage but look at the pictures (I know, if you just had $1 for every guy masturbating, you possibly could afford a new fetish wardrobe). Little head thinking... Seriously, if you are dangling the carrot, don't be surprised if the donkey is trying to eat it... And please spare me the false outrage!

Now if you are going to advertise body worship, you best make clear what the restrictions are, a guy reading that won't be happy with sucking your toes and most likely not with kissing your latex covered derriere. Body worship might mean something completely different for you than it does for him! So please, no complains if you didn't make yourself clear. If you think it's good to be vague about it as it will attract clients, don't be surprised if they leave again or bitch their heads off on the net. Come on, your name is your reputation, guys are quite anonymous and they can change handles, easy enough for the odd wanker to try and damage your reputation and make your life a living hell with slander - it is pretty stupid to give them a reason with false promises. Really doesn't do much for your business, once you attracted and disappointed all the ones who want what you aren't willing to offer, word gets around, and chances are that the ones who don't want that kind of thing stay away because they're concerned about their health.

False advertising really is a no win situation.

Regards to the Captain, who inspired that post yesterday.... Here's my thank you to my fellow pervert