BDSM and Abuse

It comes up again and again and for a lot of people not involved with BDSM it looks like there is abuse going on, the big difference is that it is consensual!

Honestly, I can't stress enough how important it is that it IS consensual.

There is NO excuse for not respecting a safe word, if people who know each other and have a rapport decide to play without a safe word, great, not a problem, however if anybody announces right off the bat that they will not respect your limits or a safe word, don't walk - RUN.

Some people are thrill seekers and all that, and while I'm not somebody who would rely on a safe word (I explain in a bit), when getting to know somebody, you have to learn about their boundaries and some people have trigger points where you just push them much too far, pushing somebody way beyond their endurance can cause a pretty serious trauma, maybe not physical but leaving mental scars is not covered by consensual play!

Why I don't want to rely on safe words is simple, when the endorphines are flying, it can be pretty difficult for a masochist to recognize what is going on, as the top you really have to watch their body language, it might just feel too good for them to call a stop. Think about it in terms of a happy drunk who's flying high and doesn't realize that he's close to alcohol poisoning. 

But truthfully, that's another issue than abuse. 

I was just reading somewhere, where a woman rejected a dominant because he seemed to have anger issues and threatened to blacken her eyes if she says something to him. That's for me seriously crossing the line, hurting somebody out of anger is not BDSM or consensual, it's being out of control, if the top is out of control, accidents happen.

No problem with a role play where you pretend to be angry, or maybe even some punishment, but boys and girls, don't play with angry people, as exciting as it may seem at first glimpse, you only got this one body.

Seriously, if it would be my hide on the line, I'd be giving somebody a grilling of the 9th degree before I would even consider getting in a situation where I would be vunerable.

If you have issues trusting somebody, don't trust them with your health or life! Being stupid is not an attractive trait in a bottom!

End of rant!

Aftercare

So you are having a session and you are flying high on endorphins, pretty much like you have taken some drugs, actually endorphins are exactly that, drugs your body naturally produces. Similar to a runner’s high, I’m addicted to it, not the running, I’m a bit too busty for that, but inline skating, swimming, all that. Best feeling in the world. I once went for about 45 miles on inline skates, first to work out some frustrations from a (vanilla) job, but after about 20 miles and going through the pain barrier, I felt like I was flying and could go to the end of the world… Well the end of the world were the stairs to my flat at that time, the moment I stopped moving and sat down, I just couldn’t get up anymore, muscles locked and I crawled upstairs on all 4s, went into the bath tub and had a hard time getting out again… Luckily it was a Friday, but I think that was one weekend I seemed to have slept through completely… Oh and the pain in my legs on Monday, woahhhh….

Anyway, the endorphins released during BDSM play are similar to those released during sports, but your mental state is a bit different, you usually recover really well from a runner’s high without anything else. With BDSM it’s not just endorphins but also a lot of adrenaline, you’ve been flying high and the sensations stop, for some people that’s not a big deal, others get a sub-drop (btw there is also such a thing as top drop and it’s pretty grim) when they’re coming down to reality. OK, it’s only a chemical reaction but while you’re in the middle of it, it can feel pretty intense up to the point of feeling abandoned, depressive, not really in touch with yourself and the world.

OK, some of you don’t experience it, so just skip it, some people are in relationships and they get all the aftercare they need, if it’s not a problem, skip it.

Aftercare is mainly a problem for people who play casually or for clients at commercial dungeons.  It is pretty difficult to get proper after care after a commercial session. Now before anybody thinks this is against pro dommes, it’s not. Let me tell you a few facts:

-       If she’s an independent, chances are that she rents from somewhere, in case she is in the room longer than she booked it, they are going to charge her more, or in the worst case scenario they have already rented out the room for the next session – if the next session can’t happen, the dungeon owner will be unhappy, the other domme will be unhappy, her client will be unhappy – guess who they are going to take it out on? The domme you sessioned with! Guess who’s going to cover the costs? Exactly, the domme you sessioned with…

-       If she works in a house, if she doesn’t vacate the room in time, same thing, she could even lose her job over this.

I know aftercare is important but what does happen is, that usually people want to session around the same time, lunch break, after work, after dinner, basically whenever guys have an excuse to get away. Rents are quite high, now the rent for just a room is usually between 1/3^rd and half of the session price, dommes depend on taking the sessions within the time frame they have… They need to survive as well and pay their rents…

One of the things you should do is make sure that you are alright, even if your pro domme is not able to give you the aftercare. It’s easy to get on a high horse and demand that the domme gives you aftercare, but bear in mind you are having a professional relationship, you are paying her for the session, she’s not your life coach or your shrink.

So when you had a professional session and after you had the session you feel a bit disorientated, you are sad to the point of being depressed and close to tears, chances are that you are having sub drop, it’s a chemical reaction, being aware of it can help A LOT, just remember that it will pass, but you need to give yourself some time. In case you are prone to sub drop, give yourself some time after the session, take a walk, stop in a coffee shop and have a hot drink, maybe a light snack. Pamper yourself.

Try not to drive immediately after your sessions if you’re feeling low. Have a little ritual that helps you, make sure you clean yourself up, grab a drink – a non-alcoholic one would be good, water is excellent. Chances are you sweated a bit, you need to rehydrate, have a little walk.

A hot drink like a hot tea or chocolate will make you feel more comfortable, your favourite fruit, a small snack. It would help if you have comfortable clothes you can change into, have a hot bath, curl up with a good book.

Of course TLC is the best aftercare, one of the reasons why dommes often hug you when they are saying goodbye, it helps you to get you back to real life, gives you the “human touch” that will sustain you a bit. Remember we are not mind readers, we do not really know how you are going to react after a session.

In case you are having THE DROP, you need to be aware of it, you need to make allowances for it, if you know it’s going to happen and you are mentally prepared for it, it will hit you a lot less hard. Do whatever you need to do to feel good, breathing exercises are especially good, music, whatever works for you. Sub drop can cause your body a lot of stress, it’s not the first time that you experience stress, so you know what usually works for you. An idea might be to simply book a quick head massage – usually not too expensive in most cities – a while after your session and just enjoy being touched and relaxed.

In case you are having medical issues like diabetes, monitor your glucose levels closely and make allowances for that after your session. If you are feeling confused or not yourself DO NOT DRIVE.

We’re all adults, most of us have had the blues before, we’ve dealt with depressions and know what usually works for us, so just being prepared and having a few simple feel good rituals will usually work. In case you know your session will be more intense, you need to give yourself more time.

It would be a good idea to let the domme know and maybe arrange a time when she is not busy and can give you more aftercare, maybe be the last session of the day and then go for a drink together, so you’re still in her company and she can help you to come down….

BDSM and Diabetics

BDSM and Health….

A couple of things, some of them shouldn’t be needed to say and a couple of you will possibly be bored to death, to be honest I don’t care. And this is NOT medical advise, talk to your doctor about that, this is some stuff that you should be aware of and consult your doctor about!

Most people know that heart problems and electricity is just NOT A GOOD IDEA, so in case you have any health concerns, do tell your domme by all means. As a rule of thumb, you shouldn’t do electricity above the waist anyway and NEVER EVER cross the chest. What most people don’t know is that with electrical play diabetes is also a risk factor.

One of the biggest problems with electrical play is your own body, something that is usually harmless can change a lot depending on your condition. Our whole body runs on electrical impulses, they are actually minimal but your nerves and everything. So the content of electrolytes in your body changes all the time, you might be a bit tired, sweaty, hungry or thirsty, or you are dehydrated but you haven’t noticed it. The resistance of your skin and body drops dramatically, so something that was harmless can change and become something dangerous.

Tens units are fine, they are constructed with human safety in mind, so in case you are interested in electric play, a good excuse (in case you don’t want to come out) is asking your doctor if it would be alright to use a tens unit for back pain. Almost everybody has problems with the back, so it’s a convenient excuse. Most of the erotic electric toys are designed with the same safety parameters, so as long as you have no heart issues and you keep it under the waist, you should be fine. Don’t rely on the dominant and don’t keep information from her/him. Your health is also your responsibility!

Please do tell a dominant about all the medication you take and any health problems you might have. I’m fairly up to date with medical stuff, but trust me it’s still quite a bit of a shock when somebody faints or gets dizzy because they have a drop in blood sugar and happen to be diabetic.

Depending on your type of diabetes, it can influence your electrolyte level and make electrical play seriously dangerous.

In case you have diabetes, make sure that the dominant knows about it and bring fruit juices with you to the session, glucose gel or tablets should be handy. The dominant can only react if he or she knows what is going on, and it’s also easier to pay close attention to a possible problem if you are aware that it does exist!

Diabetics tend to bruise easier, keep that in mind when you are having CP and for heaven’s sake, don’t do inverted suspension, you are getting extreme blood pressure in the eyes and blood vessels can bust.

As a diabetic it is quite common to have circulation problems, so that is something that has to be taken into consideration when doing bondage. Again, the dominant knowing about it can pay attention to cold limbs or will know what to do when you lose feeling in your limbs.

Diabetics often experience less sensation during impact play, that can lead to damages you want to avoid, so talk about it before so we can adjust to it and give you a session with all the pain you crave but without causing damage to you! Since you have prolonged healing time, we do have to be a lot more careful with all kinds of bruisings.

PLEASE remember that it’s your health and do not hesitate to inform your play partner about all those concerns. Chances are if you are living with the condition you know more about it than your dominant, it is your responsibility to share that information and no dominant worth his or her salt will discount it or miss the chance to learn about it. In case you run into somebody who’s not interested or doesn’t listen, don’t walk RUN!

Part of the diabetes problem is often erectile dysfunction, again, worth mentioning to your dominant, especially if you take Viagra to overcome the ED as it raises your blood pressure. Now I’m not a friend of poppers (amyl) but some people do use it, the mix of Viagra and poppers is something that is bound to land you in the ER – if you’re lucky. If you happen to be unlucky, it’s the morgue!

Additionally Viagra raises your blood pressure (duh yeah) so it’s something your domme should know. And nope, we aren’t going to laugh at you, we just need to know to make sure that we are prepared and we recognize the signs and that you walk out of the dungeon as healthy as you walked in, you want to walk out sore, but not ill or disabled!

One thing that I would like to tell every diabetic, is do not rely on the cleaning methods of a dungeon, if possible, have your own toys and bring them with you. An infection for you is much more dangerous than for somebody who doesn’t have those issues.

Blood sugar levels influence the mood of even the healthiest person, as a diabetic you are much more prone to those mood changes, so a sub drop might affect you much more than a healthy person, know about it and communicate it to the dominant, you might need more aftercare and that sugary drink can make all the difference for you!

Know about your condition and research it, don’t just rely on what the doctor tells you, research as much as possible and share your knowledge with your dominant. This is a good starting point:

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diabetes/index.shtml

This is not a comprehensive list and I do not mean this as one or even as medical advise, all this blog entries are meant to do is to raise your awareness, I’m not your minder or keeper and I’m not dishing out medical advise, I’m just trying to make you aware of your own health and your own responsibility!