Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Dominance and Selfishness

Again, I saw this on a discussion board, it was sparked off by a discussion about what seemed to be some Gorean type relationship. I really can't get into that Gorean stuff at all, but that's beside the point, it's not because it's male dominated, it's just too absurd and contrived and rather badly written, the equivalent of 50 Shades for horny teenage boys, of as somebody jokingly said "Kink in Space", hilarious and brilliantly written summary of the Gor books, let's say they are outrageously sexist and if they would be a willing parody of the genre, they'd be brilliant. Unfortunately some people really take them seriously, which in my not so humble opinion, makes it even more funny.

Apart from very few exceptions, Gorean men seem to have a slight bypass when it comes to humour and IQ, of course it's not fair to use Fartie as an example, let's say a conversation in the short bus might challenge him quite a bit and he successfully managed to make a fool out of himself again and again, even other Goreans loath him and for a while it was great fun watching him get his ass busted over his lies, if you're arguing with Fartie, it's not a battle because the poor boy is completely unarmed, but he likes to think he's superior to every woman, because some 3rd rate SciFi book says it's the "natural order", oh and in said fantasy the women all become simpering slaves, and annoyingly talk about themselves in the 3rd person, but I digress..

Anyway, this woman is married and she wasn't happy, she had the typical simpering 3rd person speak, turns out her "master/husband" makes her hold her urine in the morning while she goes through the 150 different Gor slave positions before he allows her to relieve her outside after he whistles. She tried to talk to him about it (holding urine isn't very healthy for the bladder and UT), as a response he slapped her. Apart from being a bit ignorant about medical issues, he also seems to be on a weird trip where he forgot how to communicate with his wife (or slave as she puts it). This then sparked a conversation about "Dominance and Selfishness" and if you have to be selfish to be a D-type. Quite interesting and a lot of different takes on it...

Essentially what it boils down to is, that I think both ends of the whip or crop are selfish, nobody would enter a relationship if there wouldn't be something in for them, if being in that relationship wouldn't make them happier than not being in that particular relationship or dynamic!
It's like when people claim that FinDommes rip the poor subs off, seriously? The subs usually search out FinDommes and offer them money, they must get something out of it or they wouldn't do it, it scratches one of their kinks or their kink, otherwise they wouldn't go looking for them. Seriously, the women that are dealing with guys claiming to be pay-piggies deal with a ton of time wasters and guys who just want to talk about it, I don't think they are making their money the easy way, I don't think I could deal with it, I'd possibly would feel like banging my head against the wall, but again, that's besides the point.

Essentially I believe that every D/s or S/m dynamic is motivated by selfishness on both parts, one craves what the other person can give, and if it turns from a dynamic into a relationship, I do think in the best of all cases, and the ones where the relationship stands the test of time, each partner tries to make the other one happy. Like every vanilla relationship it's a give and take.

People have needs and if the needs are not fulfilled over a prolonged period of time, the relationship starts to disintegrate. As much as we would like to believe that we are selfless, we're not and there is nothing wrong with it. A submissive doesn't "serve" out of selflessness but again, it fulfills one of his or her needs. Yes, there can be situations where the servitude is without emotions, but in those cases it's all about the fetish and the fetish fulfills those needs. Some of them actually don't even want to have human interaction, they just want to be seen as a service submissive, because being a service submissive is their kink, it's what drives them. They are quite rare, but they exist. If they're getting out of it what they want, it's perfect. 

It's not that different from a lot of clients who frequent Pro-Dommes, they go there to get an urge scratched and for those 60 minutes they might actually believe that they are submissive, when in fact they pretty much dictate what they want to happen in the session. Not that there is anything wrong with it, you book the session and you negotiate it!

Sometimes your emotional needs change over time (like that with the woman who sparked the discussion) and then it's best if people start to sit down and talk to each other. I don't really buy into 24/7 because apart from BDSM needs even the most kinky of all people have different needs and need down time, your mileage on that might vary, but a 24/7 power exchange and a TPE (Total Power Exchange) seems to be unrealistic. If you're rushing into it without knowing the person, it could spell disaster and financial ruin, which I don't think is a desirable outcome.
I really believe people need time out from their dynamic, where they sit down and are on mutual footing and discuss what works for them and what doesn't work. Of course you can claim a good D-type (I use D-type because it is gender neutral, it can be a Dom or a Domme) should know that and realize it, but the truth is, we aren't perfect, we aren't mind readers, we make mistakes, by talking openly and frankly, without any trappings of power exchange and no repercussions. The D-type might decide not to change a thing, he or she could have her reasons for it, but consent can be withdrawn from both sides at any time. If things really don't work anymore, sometimes you do have to draw the line.

I'm a bit fed up when often subs are painted as the victims, I've seriously met more needy and selfish people who identify as s-types than D-types (mind you, that doesn't mean that all D-types are wonderful people) and there is often so much passive aggressive BS going on, after the relationship ends, what they used to crave is then pictured as abuse. 

Again, I'm NOT saying that there is no abuse in BDSM relationships, there are tons of predators out in the real world, of course they are attracted to a world where it is "seemingly OK" to exploit others. But as I said countless times before, you are adults, it's your job to look out who you trust and to not rush into anything, to ask yourself what you are really getting out of the relationship and also what you are putting in. If you are just looking for a fetish delivery system and you're so focused on your fetish, that you forget to see your partner as a human being who might have needs too (other than what you're willing to give, which is in a lot of cases your own kink fulfillment and if you think logically about it, not that much to offer), then you're bound to fall prey to somebody who will try to manipulate you (and not in a good way) in order to get what they want, which happens often to be cash.

There is a person on both ends of the whip, a living, breathing human with feelings, of course with faults (would be nice if we'd all be flawless) but when it comes to a relationship, you have to take all that on board. Kink is one thing, but what are you going to do the other 23 hours of the day? If all you have in common is kink, you're fucked buddy, and not in a good way! Unless of course it is your kink to be exploited and abused, but then please stay away from me, seriously, I'm not judging your kink, but I simply don't want to deal with emotional masochism, in my book it's a recipe for disaster and the D-type always ends getting the blame. It took me far too long to leave Catholic guilt behind, I'm not signing up for emotional BDSM guilt.

No judging, I just prefer to approach my kink from a positive place, somebody who willingly signs up for what I want to dish out, because he or she craves just that. Possibly not the best option ever, but I'm not a therapist and emotional masochism and sadism, for my personal taste it's just a bit too close to abuse and I'd be worried that I might damage more, including myself.

Just my take on it, if yours is different, more power to you, I don't have to live your life and you don't have to live mine. 

Though in defence of submissives, there is also one woman who identifies as a dominant, yet will not tolerate any fetishes or strong preferences on the side of a potential partner, to me it sounds like she herself has a "me" fetish herself and wants a partner who makes it also all about her, but all in a seemingly vanilla environment, where none of his other fetishes are under consideration apart from the way she likes to have sex, she wants flowers, romance, the whole stuff, nothing bad, I mentioned her here quite at the end of it, she's looking for a vanilla date on a kink board, but she won't tolerate kinks or fetishes. Yup, selfish, but then again, if she would be a hot 20 year old, she might get away with it, if you're 50+ and maybe not so hot (hard to tell if you only see a picture of Sphinx. If you want TPE and the other should give everything but you aren't prepared to give anything in return, I guess that is selfish. She doesn't hurt anybody with it (apart from guys who dare to mention a kink on a kink board, met with outrage that she is not a fetish delivery system and it has to be about her, not about the guy's kink) but herself, because let's face it, guys might get desperate but not that desperate that they're going to put up with all the trappings of TPE and none of the benefits.

Now if that was all a bit serious, try this piss take on Gor, though sadly enough, it's actually quite like the few books I forced myself to read, I just couldn't bring myself to read more of them, because they are not simply daft but painful for anybody who has standards regarding their reading material... Still wish I wrote them (using a nom de plume of course to avoid merciless piss taking from anybody who knows me), randy teenage fantasies aimed at randy teenage boys got good ol' Norman minted... Reminds me a lot of Scientology to be honest...