Thursday, 6 March 2014

Meeting that guy from the internet...

It's basically a follow up to the "difficult to find a date on the internet" post I made the other day, guys claim that women are so hard to talk to, but women complain far more often about being stood up, guys go through the whole song and dance and then get cold feet, disappear, make dates and don't show up... So I guess this one is more for the ladies, but I'm pretty sure the guys might also find a bit of value, even if it is just to understand better why women are a bit careful.

As for being stood up, yes it happens, you develop a radar after a while, you also develop a radar for BS, seriously, if something doesn't feel right, chances are that it isn't right, pretty much the same as I mentioned in the post about what to do if you have a stalker your own instinct is the best protection you can have, for stalkers, for fakes, for people playing games.

I've mentioned a few times that I'm not looking for anything, so if I'm meeting somebody it's just for being social, I'm not going to get worked up about somebody who won't show up, but I'm also not rearranging my schedule much to accommodate somebody I haven't met before. 

Ladies, just keep a clear head and don't get too worked up, I wouldn't recommend meeting a stranger in a place where you always go for various reasons, for example if he should turn out to be a stalker (which I certainly hope not), you don't want to give him a way to find you easily all the time, also if his manners aren't up to scratch, you really don't want people talk about that in your local bistro or pub (don't remind me of the guy who thought kissing my feet would be the acceptable way to behave in public...). Go somewhere where you like going, bring a book or a magazine and if he doesn't show up, enjoy your coffee and read. Desperation is worse than a bad perfume.

Now since this is a kink blog, I assume we are talking about guys you meet on kink related sites, but this should pretty much go for all kind of internet dating. I'm not saying you need to play hard to get, but don't make it too easy. Think about it, what kind of impression do you give if you're too available - you don't want to come across as too desperate. 
Also be clear what you expect, if you don't want to be a booty call, say so in a profile, not in those words but mention that you're only interested in getting to know somebody who is like you interested in a long term relationship, then tell them what you expect from a partner APART from your kink, unless you are waiting for a mind reader, in that case be prepared to wait for a long long time... So yes, hobbies, what is important for you, what you can't deal with, but try to sound positive, nobody wants a sourpuss!
Not sounding negative goes for, don't complain on your profile about people who stood you up, don't talk about the bad experiences you have made. You're going to meet somebody for the first time, he doesn't want your whole life-story and everything that went wrong, every relationship that has failed. Come on, how would you feel if a guy would tell you about all his exes and stuff? See how that works? A guy who's interested in meeting YOU, doesn't want your whole relationship history, your medical history, your family history, he wants to to meet you to get to know you.
Chances are you already had a few mails exchanged, spoke on the phone and all that, so you should have an idea about his hobbies, maybe his work, ASK about that, keep the conversation light, you're still getting to know each other!

Also the pics, well you want to be sure that not the guy from next door or the next cubicle will recognize you and tell everybody and their dog about you being on a kink site, I often discussed how to maintain your privacy and protect your identity. Don't use anything you use on another network (FB for example) there are tons of facial recognition programs, a bit of shadow will add some mystery, you don't want the creepy internet dude to track you down and send you flowers and riddles. Also as a woman, if you want guys being interested in you (that means you as a person and not your orifices) don't pose naked. Yes, you will get less answers, but it's about quality and not quantity, that is unless you want somebody to contact you who's really only looking for a fuck bunny and the guys looking for a partner pass you by because they think you're just interested in dick (and that's not Richard). The explicit pics can wait, think about all the teens who text topless and naked shots and live to regret it, be a bit smarter.

Move fairly quick, a guy who's seriously interested will want to talk to you fairly soon, don't give out your home phone number but use a mobile, skype, etc. If somebody doesn't want to talk to you, they might have something to hide, also the time when they are talking to you, if they don't have time in the evenings or the weekends, chances are that they're married and just playing a game. They don't answer their phone on the weekends or in the evenings... Take a wild guess...
A guy who's serious about meeting somebody isn't going to wait 6 months, if he's dragging things out and out, maybe it's time to move on. Would you want to be with a guy who doesn't seem to think that meeting you is a priority? Doesn't really bode well for the future, does it?

I don't have to give you the drill about the usual stuff, like meeting in a public place, no play on the first date, going in your own car and all that, I hope you're adult enough to really consider your personal safety a priority. Just because it's got to do with kink doesn't mean that everybody into it is nice, nothing could be further from the truth

When it comes to chatting and talking on the phone, without being a prude, don't get too sexual, a ton of guys out there who get their kicks from cyber and phone sex, don't put a poor cam girl or phone sex girl out of a job ;) No seriously, you don't want to invest time and possibly emotions into a guy who's just trying to get his rocks off via electronic means, you don't want to be his cyber or phone booty call.

Oh and another thing, ladies, let's be a bit realistic, it's nice to expect Prince Charming on the white horse and riding off into the sunset, but seriously, if your expectations are unrealistic, you won't get a lot of serious takers and possibly a bunch of wankers who just want to play games and have no desire to ever meet face to face. They'll lie to you because they know when you'd meet them they couldn't keep up the lie. 
For those of you who still don't understand it, 50 Shades is FICTION, you're about as likely to meet kinky handsome, billionaires through a kink site as you are likely to meet them in the supermarket.

There's a lady who's complaining that she gets stood up regularly and she always gets super worked up and excited about meeting a submissive, only they never show up. Another poster was smart enough to look at her profile and summed up what she is looking for:

1. Will be available for vanilla dates when you want.
2. Is a service slave, doing household chores for you.
3. Will have sex with your husband.
4. Will not have sex with you.
5. Will take branding, whipping, etc., from you.
6. Has no sissification fantasies.
7. Lives within two hours of .......
8. Will financially support your household.

Despite the fact that you're searching for Superman, he's gonna have to take the backseat to your husband.

Forget it. Your expectations are unrealistic. 

That's what I meant with unrealistic expectations, any relationship, be it vanilla or BDSM is a give and take, even if it doesn't look like it, it involves 2 (or more) people, and they want something out of the relationship. That's not being calculating, that's just what it is. Otherwise, why would people be in relationships, if you're not getting what you want, it's much easier to be on your own and able to live your life how you chose to do it.

When it comes to looking for a partner, it might help to sit down and make a list, what you have to offer, what you need and what you'd be willing to compromise on. If you want Brad Pitt (the looks and the financial means) and you want all the kinks to mesh 100%, it's going to be a long long wait... 

Seriously, please also consider all the other qualities apart from compatible kinks, when it comes down to it, you got to LIVE with that person, and if all you have in common is kink, it's not going to last. 

Another woman is more or less looking for a vanilla relationship, she doesn't want to top him, she doesn't want anything to do with fetishes but she wants him to be submissive to her, but she makes it quite clear that she won't do BDSM play, wants vanilla sex and romance, but she wants to "own" him. I guess she thinks she's some Princess and her Prince is hankering after her and ready to charge on his white horse when she wants. Maybe it is D/s however, there are pages of pages of what she doesn't want, which word should be in the reply so she'll actually will deign to read it, all with some cheesy generic pics of mythical animals and flowers. Then a journal full of pretty awful prose, has to be a certain age and live nearby... Judging from her profile she's been looking under that name for about 2 years... 
Girls, when it comes to kink, you do have all the advantages, men vastly outnumber women (especially submissive men to dominant women), but don't make the mistake of thinking that on a kink board you can get away with asking for the impossible.
Also keep up your end of the bargain, if you're entering into a relationship WITH kink, don't take the kink out, don't think you can put up with it for a while and wean him off, won't work. The equivalent of a couple with a great sex life and a few years into the marriage it's down to lights out and missionary position once every month - if that happens, nobody wonders why the guy strays, so why should it be any different if you take the kink away?

Just a few hints, and I do hope things work out for you. Hey I met hubby on the internet too, we both weren't looking and it was actually a geek board, for quite a while he thought he was talking to a guy. Seeing how it turned out, I think he wasn't too disappointed, we still laugh because friends had bets going and the maximum of time they thought it would work was 6 months. I guess if you look just briefly, we don't seem to be very compatible. Seriously, compromises are normal in a relationship, but they can't be one-sided. Often women are too eager to please, there's nothing wrong with wanting to make your partner happy, as long as your partner also wants to make you happy. That would be something I'd really focus on if I'd ever be looking again (don't hope so).

Oh and please, do go into the first meeting with a clear head, don't really start planning the names of all future kids and their careers when you've just met. Because it's kink related doesn't mean the same stuff applies that applies to all other dating. Relationships tend to develop over time, not over night.
Now should the guy really not be to your liking, have at least the decency to let him down easy, chances are that he's as insecure as you are (meeting strangers from the internet can be a bit stressful), he's made an effort, tell him you don't think you have the chemistry, don't point out every flaw you perceived, and don't think the first guy you'll meet will be THE ONE. Basically think about how you would feel if somebody would tell you that they don't think it's going to work and have the decency to treat another person the way you want to be treated.

How was that for an agony aunt? Now if I have bored you to death, drop me a line and toss some ideas at me. I basically write when something catches my attention. In case I'm too boring, inspire me....