Sunday, 23 March 2014

The Pro-Domme Myth

From time to time, and especially on life-style boards, the usual stuff comes up about how pro-dommes don't have any real power, how they are just spank machines, that they are there to just fulfill the orders of clients, the usual stuff. 

Of course you also get the usual idiot who will claim they are just prostitutes, well, I have a problem with the term "just prostitutes", while an escort certainly does another job than a pro-domme (slightly different service, who doesn't get that shows their ignorance straight away, which is great because it's nice if people let you know that they are idiots upfront), I absolutely HATE it if people treat them like they're somewhat less than human. If you don't want to do the job, I have no problem with it, I couldn't, but dehumanizing somebody, it's not cool, it's not clever, it makes you look like a prejudiced asshole!

But back to the people who have serious misconceptions about pro dommes, they are usually people who read something, heard something and repeat, or believe what somebody told them.

Yes, it's a service, yes, you have to consider what the client wants, but at the same time you don't like the client or the activities aren't yours, so you turn him down. Not only the client sets boundaries, you also set your own boundaries and they better respect them.

You have a chance to play with a lot of people who then will just leave, you won't have to deal with their real life drama or problems, I had plenty of masochists to play with, BDSM on tap, I could more or less do what I wanted (within their limits), I guess that must be what one night stands without strings or morning afters are for most men... For me it was a lot of fun most of the time with no strings attached, the biggest problem was the occasional blister or sore arm from too much whipping or caning!
Yes, of course I had to use my brain a lot and find new ways to hurt somebody, but seriously, if you're a hobby cook, trying out a new recipe or improving it with experimentation isn't really hardship.

The best reply to that is from MsCoral Korrupt over at MF

If we did it strictly for pleasure we'd be doing it for free, and only with people that we choose. And often, a lot of us Dommes are kinky in our personal lives, just not intimate with our clients.
We often do this for pleasure yes, but not YOUR definition of pleasure and it usually does not involve a woman having an orgasm because we do not want or need to have one in our sessions.

I know, you, a random strange man who may or may not have hepatitis or some sort of parasite, and a Domme may or may not be sexually attracted to you, is completely dumbfounded by the fact that you're met with some serious shade from women who don't want to use the equivalent of a double headed dildo with you in a session.

Let me put it to you in some very clear terms. Some women don't need to be sexually attracted or have a "spark" with them in order for them to want to engage in sexually invasive activities with men for money. A lot of us do not go down that road for health and personal reasons.
Just because we work in the sex industry that doesn't mean we want to get off on everything that walks in through our Dungeon doors just like a veterinarian, barista, clothing designer isn't going to want to orgasm over ll of her clients. UNLESS OUR PUSSIES ARE UP FOR SALE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM. We will tell you how to please us.

Tara Indiana also published an open letter on KinkE Magazine regarding the legalization of all sex work, where she talked about her time as an escort, how much she enjoyed it, that she wasn't a victim but in control and how she then drifted to BDSM. Amazing letter:

I just saw the interview on All in with Chris Hayes and I had some comments and questions. 

First, I a bit a but me, My name is Tara Indiana. I am the Head Mistress of The Den of Iniquity Dungeon since 1994. I started of in the sex business as a high class call girl with the hopes of raising enough money to fight for custody of my younger sister and also benefit my own career aspirations.  

I must say, My years as an escort were some of the happiest times in my life. I travelled the world, met incredibly interesting people and further enhanced my knowledge of culture and world affairs. It was much more of an eduction then I ever got in school.
The Women I met not at all what I expected. The media only depicts prostitutes as victims, street walkers, junkies, white slaves being forced and uneducated naive Woman who don't know any better.  
To My surprise at my first escort agency, all the girls were really nice people and some of the smartest and most liberated women I've had the honor of knowing. Mostly working their way through college, saving up money for a start up, Wanting to put their kids through private school or college, sending money home to their families. There was little to no drug use by most of my co workers aside from the occasional girls night out cocktails which we called "The Putta Squad":. Yes, the clients did them - it was the 80's wall street. but not the girls.  

The Madame cared very much about us and worked diligently to ensure our safety. She counselled us daily, never to do anything we were uncomfortable about, That we could stop a sessions at anytime for any reason. Even just a bad vibe. 

The men were also not as expected. I thought they would be old and gross, guys that couldn't normally get laid. Well it couldn't have been father from the truth. I found almost all of them to be completely respectful, smart, great conversationalists, successful, etc., Many were attractive, wealthy and the strange thing is, they were really looking more for companionship. They were just lonely. There was a lot of conversation and very little "sex" in the sense of what most people consider sex. That's why it's called a trick, the trick is to not have sex with them. I was an escort / inhouse girl for a number of years and the longer I did it, the less sex I had. And the sex I was having was pretty good. Having sex with multiple partners really helped me discover my body and my turn ons. I have much better orgasms now then I did 25 years ago and I owe that entirely to the sex business, 
(and one special men how shall remain nameless as just the world's greatest lover. 

Once even went 3 month without having sex with any of my clients and it was a very busy 3 months and I was always quite popular. 

The counter-statistics being offer by your opponent et al this debate were based on low level street walkers, people in white slavery, etc., which only represent 13% of prostitution. I think she means well, but she getting her info from only one source. To a hammer every problem is a nail. But the idea of lumping in low level street prostitutes with risk aware consenting adults who choose a road less travelled is a TOTALLY FALSE EQUIVALENT. 

It's like comparing people working sweat shops in china and jumping of the roof due to bad work conditions, long hours, no safety and no living wage in a dangerous factory to people working at a union shop for GM or Ford who have medical, dental, pensions and 401Ks, We don't shut down factories because some are bad. We regulate. I also can never wrap my head around the idea that if you buy the argument that sex worker are victims  in what other situation is the victim arrested, have their records ruined and generally have their life destroyed. Because it's not just their lives, it's the lives of all the friend, families, employers, children, etc., that are the collateral damage. What purpose does this serve? In My hey day yes, I would see up to 5 men for many hours, Not the 15 or 20 she's talking about, That would traumatize most except for the rare nymphomaniacs of which their are very few, These are fast houses, the lowest level of prostitution. And yes, they are terrible, but not even a very small part of the business. 

In my 2 year stint as a call girl, almost all the the men I sessioned with were great and I found it very empowering and like I was doing a public service and fun for Me. I tried My best to have good sex with all of them. I felt if I could get paid to have orgasms that was AWESOME! And it was. The Women were some of the most amazing Woman I ever met. I love them all to this day. It was a heady time. I moved to phones when I got in a serious relationship, then I moved onto the field of Female Domination which I love, and is my life (And have been quite successful at it) I've owned over 7 dungeons, trained 1000s Mistresses and 10's of thousand of men and appeared in hundreds of films, magazines, newspapers, TV and websites. I was even on the The Daily Show's moment of zen - still be far My crowning achievement. 

It has been very hard and grueling work. But has been the most rewarding and creatively fulfilling work I have ever done. 
Currently, I am the Head Mistress of The Den of Iniquity dungeon (r) in Los Angeles , I have performed in over 200 fetish and porn films, I am the only woman to have had a national chain of dungeons, fist dungeon to have a members site, etc., and, I think touched the lives of many Women and men for the better as they have I. 

What make this work "bad" is without a doubt the criminalization aspect of it. Constantly being worried about being arrest, kidnapped, violence against Women, having to employee unsavory characters to keep my Ladies safe and the bottomless pit of legal bills, abuse of rico laws, etc. That's enough to give anyone PTSD. 

When your young in your 20's it's kind of exciting, the double life. But after 25 years it wears on you; the constantly looking over your shoulder, wondering when the other shoe will drop and everything you've worked for can be taken without trial by rico laws so you may not be able to even pay your own defense when they freeze their assets. They can do it anytime for any reason, and even if you're doing  a legal sex business, they can freeze your asset and just put you in jail. Once in jail, they can trump up the charges and if you can't make bail, (they freeze your assets so you can't defend yourself or do business) statistically, you'll lose, right or wrong.Theoretically pandering is 7 years (same as man slaughter) and they've started abusing the rico laws in the case of "Rapture" in NY. They were looking at 25 years for running a legal dungeon. (Corrupt enterprise) So you can murder someone and get less time depending on the charges. This is wholy inequitable 

And then there's worrying about stalkers especially in the internet age, 2257 laws, cyber bullying and talking and the issues of safety that have come up with and review boards like the erotic review that in it's nature has forced women to now give up use condoms, do anal sex bareback, swallow and engage in high risk behaviors that were absolutely out of the question in my day. 

Now, my question - what can I do to help and be more involved in what you are doing? I must confess, I am fairly busy. I may be able to offer some time and counselling in areas of my expertise.And I can certainly donate my space in Los Angeles for any suitable fundraisers or parties to further you agenda. 
Here is some background on Me!stackState=0__%2Frelationships%2Fdominatrix-dungeon-los-angeles-1534829.story

While I totally get (and so should you) that escorting is not the same as being a domme, both are within the realm of the sex industry and somebody who goes there voluntarily (yeah, most women aren't going to be dragged into it kicking and screaming) is actually pretty much in control, in control of who they see, who they do what with, when they work, how much they work.... It's an awesome letter from a woman who did what she wanted to do, and has no regrets.

I'm with Tara on that, I'm getting fed up with people trying to "rescue" women who don't want or need to be rescued. It's so belitteling and so unfair, it's basically because somebody else is not comfortable with what a woman does that they try to stop her, all under the guise of "rescuing", but the woman herself is comfortable with it, so it's her call, her choice! We're adults, not children sold into slavery, a woman picking up a whip and wanting to be a pro-domme usually has a strong interest in it, if she doesn't she's not going to last, it will take far too much out of her.

It's the same as when people try to tell me that as a pro-domme I had no choice, no control and I was "just" a service top. Seriously, doing something I enjoy doing and getting paid for this, call it a service all you like, still doesn't take any control away from me. And how is it different from private play? You also negotiate scenes and you have to respect limits. Really, I mean just because somebody is doing something for free (or in some cases to attract a partner) doesn't mean they have more control than a professional who usually can pick the clients. You have an architect design a house for you, you also tell him the specifications, but you don't tell him how to do the job. Seriously, most guys don't see a domme just for her to work through a list the client supplies, they are as much paying for her to create a scenario creatively than for getting their fetish needs met.

Yes, there will always be dommes who take on "all comers", they are new or they need money desperately, it's the same in every job where you freelance or you're self-employed, if you're good, you pick the clients, if you're not and you have no other income, you might have to bite the bullet on occasion. Happens! But then you still have the choice to find another job and do what you want, apart from the fact that a lot of dommes have a 2nd job, hardly any of them puts all her eggs into one basket. Why do they do that? Because they want to keep their independence and be able to tell guys who want to lick parts we don't want to be licked to take their money and spend it elsewhere. 
Once you've been a domme for a while, you'll naturally drift to activities you like and you're damned good at, you advertise them a bit heavier, you attract the clients who're more in sync with you.

Domming isn't something you can put on your CV, if you do it only for the money it kills you and burns you out, apart from the fact that if you factor in expenses, fetish clothes and tools, dungeon rent (or the commission dungeons take), there really isn't that much left over unless you are one of the incredibly gorgeous and superbly talented pro-dommes, and they are usually very very busy and don't have much time for anything else. Pretty much like any other career where you're on top of the game...