Don't be a victim! Don't be Prey!

After the last blog update, I got such a resonance from women and men who have been stalked, some of the stories were really harrowing and the stuff nightmares are made of. I was aware that it happens very often, I had no idea HOW often.

I thought it's time to address it and show you that there is a life after and while being stalked, don't give the stalker power to take your life away, friends can tell you that I was in a bad state while it happened, my mistake was that I was late in looking for help, by help I don't mean talking to the police, though if anybody would start telephone terror again, I wouldn't even consider waiting until it "blows over", I would be straight down at the police. While it might not get worse and blow over, it's not worth taking the risk, seriously not.

What I mean with looking for help is apart from all the legal steps (do NOT delete anything, keep all the messages, have them printed out as you don't want them to get lost in a computer crash, have a diary where you write down every attempt to make contact, all the usual drill) go and see a help group, seriously, I can't stress enough how important a help group is. Not every group is a good fit, so do shop around. There are also a lot of online resources, utilize them:

Pandora's Project - Resources for stalking victims

More Resources for Stalking Victims

Cyberstalking

Victim Support

Create a log

http://cyberstalkerhelp.org/

Protect your eMail address

Protect your phone number

Alexis Moore - Advocate for Stalking Victims 

Mistress Didi's Article on How To Stop A Stalker 


Read the book: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Here are is a summary or what you should watch out for, but please read the book, it's a very pleasant read and reads more like a thriller:

• Forced Teaming. This is when a person implies that he has something in common with his chosen victim, acting as if they have a shared predicament when that isn't really true. Speaking in "we" terms is a mark of this, i.e. "We don't need to talk outside... Let's go in."
• Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a chosen victim in order to manipulate him or her by disarming their mistrust.
• Too many details. If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible to their chosen victim.
• Typecasting. An insult is used to get a chosen victim who would otherwise ignore one to engage in conversation to counteract the insult. For example: "Oh, I bet you're too stuck-up to talk to a guy like me." The tendency is for the chosen victim to want to prove the insult untrue.
• Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help to the chosen victim and anticipating they'll feel obliged to extend some reciprocal openness in return.
• The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, "I promise I'll leave you alone after this," usually means the chosen victim will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited "I promise I won't hurt you" usually means the person intends to hurt their chosen victim.
• Discounting the Word "No". Refusing to accept rejection.

Please, do talk to the police rather sooner than later, I understand you might be embarrassed, especially if your stalker met you on a kink related board, but the longer you wait the more difficult it becomes and the police is there to protect you, not to judge your life-style choices.

Warn them off ONCE, say loud and clear that you do not wish to have any further contact and keep a copy of it, or make a note about it, apart from that, nothing, do not give them a reaction, every reaction, even a "LEAVE ME ALONE" is encouragement for them... You tell them ONCE and then ignore, but do not delete their emails, you might need them if they "crank things up a bit".

Fact: In the US only 37% of the male and 41% of the female stalking victims go to the police!

I assume that in kink related cases the number is even higher due to the embarrassment of the victims, by NOT reporting a stalker, you're not only empowering the stalker, you also allow him or her to feel more secure and continue with his stalking, you're endangering somebody else! Think about it, wouldn't you have liked that his previous victim would have done something and stopped him or her?

The "if you ignore the stalker he will go away" theory is FALSE, in almost every case the behaviour will escalate over time. Don't wait until it gets worse!

Here is a rather sobering fact sheet

Stalking Fact Sheet 

About 10% of all the victims were stalked for 5 years or more. Can you afford to live in terror for 5 years or longer?

If you see signs of somebody being stalked, don't look away, you could be the next victim!

Look, being stalked is hardly ever the victim's fault, in most cases it isn't a complete stranger but somebody you know, be it in real life or online. There is no telling why somebody stalks you, most of them aren't even "crazy" in the usual term of the word, as in they haven't been diagnosed with a mental disorder. So the typical stalker that obsesses over a celeb is actually the minority. In terms of statistics, about 80% of the stalking victims are women, almost 90% of the stalkers are men.

What you shouldn't do is retaliate! Leave it to the authorities, it's not uncommon that the stalker will claim to be the victim and if you try to warn him or her off, she might actually take legal steps and claim you are the one doing the stalking (I was actually accused by my stalker of stalking him among a lot of other stuff, just to try and get others to cut contact with me). It's normal that you want to strike back and defend yourself, but by doing that, you are playing into the stalker's hands! In a lot of cases they also make false allegations to the police (been there), to cause trouble, their goal is to disrupt your life. A stalker in almost every case WILL make up lies about you, he wants you on the defensive, he wants to isolate you from your friends, for a stalker that IS a power game and he wants to present himself in a good light.

They will try to befriend people around you, it's a way of getting to you and they will try to influence them, sometimes they will succeed. I lost a lot of friends, some have disappointed me, but to be honest, in general, even while it hurt, I'm better off without them.

I'm not going to lie to you and claim that you're going to come out of such an experience unchanged, hell, I'm seriously dented, but you CAN get through and the sooner you get help, the quicker you react and ask for help, the less damaging it is for you. It was my mistake to wait too long, you know the "ignore him and he will go away" approach, I ended up throwing up so much, that my throat was sore and I had to deal with mouth ulcers as a result from the stomach acid. We went through changing numbers, you know removing myself as a target, it doesn't help, they're obsessed. Basically everything you do as a reaction to the stalking is a reaction for the stalker, something that tells him he's successful. They might be nuts, but most of them are cunning, they have to be or else they'd be arrested.
 
The best way is to avoid stalkers, however that's often not possible, because you don't have to invite them into your life, they force their way in, but a few clues how you might recognize them online:

If you see them following a poster around obsessively and trying to goad that poster or make snide remarks about him or her, it's a pretty good sign, just be careful and stay away from them.

I can't tell you enough how important it is to document everything, I know it's a lot of work, but you might need every piece of evidence you have, make screen shots, print them out, keep chat logs, phone logs, everything. It is normal to delete everything because you want nothing to do with the person (made that mistake myself) but it is exactly the wrong thing to do. It's overwhelming, I know, but chances are your stalker has experience and has stalked others before, he will know every trick in the book, why give him even more of an advantage?

If something feels creepy, trust your instincts:

 Look, you are certainly not alone in this:

 

Your silence empowers your stalker! Speak out! Get help! Contact the police and helplines!

Even if the videos bore you, here are a few more, seriously, if you wonder if you are being stalked, you probably are. Watch this 3 part series and listen to what the retired police officer says: Stalkers don't have boundaries!

Here is a documentary about cyberstalking, it's quite long and I haven't seen it completely yet...

And here is a somewhat sensational approach about stalking and how to decode their behaviour,  those cases usually end up with murder, it doesn't need to go that far for you to be afraid, but you really shouldn't take anybody stalking you lightly!

Romantic or creepy?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Don't send cock shots...

I said it before, but I just got a bunch of them in the mail again, one guy claiming his Domme wants him to send those shots to 3 different Dommes a day for "evaluation" (yes, and I have a bridge to sell), come on, it's a bit ridiculous...

I ranted about it before http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

Don't be THAT guy, honestly, it's not attractive....

PS: If you do send me a cock shot, I shall retaliate (and have) with the picture above and hope it burns itself into your retina!


Btw since I activated Google+ I don't seem to get any more comments on my blog (not even insulting ones, how sad is that), anybody knows how to fix it?

Of Men and errr Women...

It was something I read on a message board, a kink board, but in a way it really doesn't just translate to kink but almost every situation where men and women interact in relationships or attempts to form relationships.

Background is, a guy new to BDSM (D-type) gets a boner each time somebody calls him Sir, which is a bit inconvenient because he's in the military (tight briefs, Sir, forget about wearing boxer shorts, Sir - sorry, couldn't resist) and if he goes shopping he eyes up women and wonders how their breasts would look with clamps, their butts with his hand prints...

So in short a discussion got sparked off, nothing unusual, most people had the take "Your thoughts are free, as long as you don't stare or make it obvious, nobody knows what you are thinking, if it bothers you, concentrate on your tax bill..."

Topic went a bit off track, as it happens everywhere but especially on the internet.

Some women expressed a dislike for being leered at (understandable), men declared it as a compliment and we should be happy, and a guy threw in the question:

"Hey, you girls can't tell me that you never looked at a stranger and wondered how it would feel if his cock would slide into you...."

Much bewilderment amongst the female participants (dominants and subs alike) and pretty resounding "No, not really! Never!"

More bewilderment from the men, all women (even some who said they have an abnormally high sex drive) bewildered that the guys don't understand...

Light bulb moment and a woman asking "Is that why strange men send us cock pictures? They really think we want to see this?"

It really does explain a lot, it's not completely new and all that, but I hardly have ever seen it spelled out that clear. Deep down we all know that men and women process things a bit different, but sometimes it just takes something like that to make it all crystal clear.

Somewhere else there was another comment, when a guy asked if all Dommes want payment, there were a couple of funny remarks, I was tempted to say "You can pay in blood, and nope, I'm not a vampire or a blood bank!" But figured it's not good form to scare newbies, so for a change I actually DID behave (can I have a round of applause please?)

A good one came from a dominant Lady:
"Basically, you're going to have to pay in some sort of currency or another to be in a relationship with a woman."

Another great comment came from a switch guy who seems to understand women very well:
"In gender-sensitive language, women want something out of the "relationship", and, the more impersonal the relationship, the more impersonal the "thing" that women want out of said relationship."

Or as DominaM said once (I'm paraphrasing since I don't recall her exact words):
"You don't pay us to dominate you, you pay us to go away and not dominate you and call you up, when we want that iced coffee at 3am in the morning!"

It basically boils down to a conversation I had on the blog of hermajestysplaything where we discussed what goes into a D/s relationship and how to make sure that it has a long life, and the idea is really trying to meet each other half-way and COMMUNICATION, not just talking AT each other, but listening what the other person is really saying.

Kinky relationships really aren't all that different from real relationships, still humans involved with feelings and all that...

Sorry if I didn't deliver the perfect blue print, in case anybody has one, please give me a shout!

Reviewing Dommes...

The subject popped up again on MF, some first time posters posting fake reviews, a few Dommes chimed in and said that they had fake bad reviews and everybody wanted to stone them over them despite the fact the reviews were simply so stupid and crazy (Irene Boss was accused of having bodies in her basement, I once had to deal with a dead mouse in the garage, the stink was horrible, imagine how bodies would smell, and yeah, bodies in the basement, logic place to store them...)
Coral Korrupt had a similar story, it was just rubbish, apparently she brutalized an unbound guy who didn't want to session with her (she's 5'2) and a ton more BS, turned out another woman pretended to be a client because she saw Coral as competition (to paraphrase Coral "Some batshit crazy psycho bitch").

Of course there might be the odd fake review painting somebody in glowing colours but people will take it with a pinch of salt, however if it's a negative review, everybody jumps on the woman and it seems to become a real witch hunt. Makes me sometimes wonder if those so called submissive guys aren't really the biggest misogynists on the planet and simply hate women, especially dominant women. Some really weird knee jerk reaction.

I'm surprised how many women don't even ask questions but suck up to the guys, even if things don't sound right. I mean honestly, that reeks of desperation, you need a session so badly? Also what is bad for one woman in the business is bad for the rest, you're giving those guys the power to bully WOMEN.

Heaven knows I am by no means a female supremacist (the idea that a vagina makes somebody superior is a bit ridiculous), but for the drug riddled Lush, I would possibly qualify as a femnazi, simply because I believe in equality.

Don't get me wrong, a role play about female supremacy is super hot, I can dig that, also if we're in the dungeon, I'm the boss, you tell me your limits before, we have a talk, but once we're on the same page, it's not a democracy anymore. That's just how things work, otherwise it would hardly be domination, it would be "and how may I dominate you today, Sir?" Gag, puke, yawn....

I'm not saying that every session is perfect, most definitely not, and it's alright to say so, sometimes you have no chemistry, can't be helped, sometimes she might be unskilled or not listening, then by all means say something, but do it quick. If it happens in the first half of the session, ask for part of the tribute back, it's only fair. You're an adult, you mad the choice to see somebody who does provide an adult service, you want to get what you pay for and what was agreed. But don't go through the whole session without letting her know that it doesn't work for you and then ruin her reputation online, that's a bit shitty, and frankly, the action of a coward!
I said it before you have to communicate clearly what you want, there is really nothing more frustrating than a client who doesn't tell you what he wants, I ranted about that before:

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/what-do-you-really-want.html

Then you have to do your homework, make sure you find the right Domme, the perfect session doesn't just happen, it needs your input too

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/the-perfect-session.html


Be a freaking adult, you are responsible for yourself, your Domme isn't your mom

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/im-your-domme-not-your-mom.html

Avoid subfrenzy and wearing blinkers

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/safety-in-bdsm-sub-frenzy-and-meeting.html

And of course don't fall in love with your Domme, just don't do it!

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/ever-fallen-in-love-with-pro-domme.html

If you've done all of that and you did your part, and it's still a shit session, then write a bad review, not before...
And btw I found a very interesting article which is from an escort site but I found it was really an eye opener, and how some guys just dehumanize women. Don't be that guy, OK!

http://titsandsass.com/we-need-a-better-review-culture/

Being a Domme is so exciting...

Well actually it's not....

Raining today and I was working away on the computer and chasing some vanilla deadlines, ignoring the grumpy cats (they don't like it when it rains outside, dainty little paws might get wet) complaining and terrorizing the dogs. Then the dogs were playing with each other, could hear them and they seemed to have a lot of fun, then things got quiet and I looked into the living room, looks like they played tug of war with a feather pillow, who ripped at the seams. Looks like I had a snow storm inside, obviously both dogs look very harmless and not guilty (must have been the cats), been trying to vacuum and got some feathers, but most of them just get disturbed and fly around, making me sneeze.

THEY ARE BLOODY EVERYWHERE

Have a good guess what I might be doing with the rest of my Monday...

Oh yeah, as for my quest to help the animal charity and asking for a Valentine's Gift guess what, £10 apart from what H and I gave them, despite all the "money slaves" that contacted me and wanted my address and stuff. Spoke to them today, as I went up there yesterday to help clearing the land (stable roof damaged by storms, or rather tree falling into it) and promptly stepped into a rusty nail. Ended my Sunday with soaking my foot in salt water, my tetanus vaccination is luckily up to date. Talk about adding injury to insult...

Kinky Valentine's Day

I want a Valentine's gift from you, seriously, I'm going all demanding domme on you, please me, do something for me!

Go on, I really really want something!

An animal charity here in the UK was badly hit by the storms and the rain, they had to move the horses they have rescued and rented stables, the hay, straw and feed they had is gone, and it about cleaned them out. I know them really well because I occasionally fostered a dog for them, they are great people who have day jobs and use their own money to support the animals (one of them works at night as a nurse and by day looks after the animals, they don't pay themselves wages like some other charities do where more goes to supporting the life-style of a CEO than to the animals), they are a registered charity, not some scam outfit. I basically put the link everywhere, on my twitter, FB, even LinkedIn. I am just trying to help them spread it, in the hope they might get the odd donation. Doesn't matter if you can't afford to give them anything, if you're putting the link out and ask friends to do the same, there might be somebody who sees it who can afford to put the odd $ or 2 in.

And even if you read that some time later, just share the link, it's OK if you can't donate (but if you can, I am really really grateful to you, even if it is just $1 or £1), if you want something from me, send me a message and if I can I will do it, Skype session, no fucking problem, you're in the UK and want your ass spanked, whipped, beaten, I will do it, I'll send you socks, pantyhoses, stockings, underwear if that's what you're into.

Let me know what you want to read about and I'll write about it, I promise.

Just fucking help them out! PLEASE!

Please spread that link through your social media, nobody will know or care if comes from a vanilla or a kink account. Nobody knows you got it from here. I hammered the shit out of it through my kink network, my private vanilla network, my work network, that is more vanilla than you can imagine!

Just please, do it!

A very undomly PRETTY PLEASE?

http://tinyurl.com/on992ct

It's not Dungeon and Dragons, Sparky

Let me start this off with the disclaimer, that I am not having a rant at male dominants, there are some really great Doms out there, with some of them I'm friends, but some of them (and oddly enough a higher percentage than you find with women) are a few planks short of a full tree house.

On one of the boards where I sometimes look and occasionally participate, there is a guy who complains that in 22 years he hasn't found a slave and it's all down to fakes and he's discriminated because he's disabled.

Every sympathy for somebody who is disabled, definitely doesn't make it easier for him, but even if he was able bodied, what he's looking for is simply unrealistic.

The guy is gay (nothing wrong with it), has a preference for black men (again, we all have preferences and what we are attracted to), so far so good.

Only then he decides he doesn't want just one slave, he wants several of them, his own personal little harem and how he is living the Master/slave life-style not just in the bedroom, and that's where I want to shake him and have a reality check, and go "Sorry dear, but you are not really LIVING the life-style, you're dreaming it, big big difference!"

So, somebody without any experience is declaring himself an experienced Master and complains that slaves aren't lining up around the block. Well, what a surprise that is, really....

It gets better, he also has certain expectations of the jobs the slaves should have, nothing dramatic, really, just your run of the mill, not quite college drop out jobs:

• Programmers


• Database Designers


• CAD Designers


• Animators


• Illustrators


• Editors/proofreader/scriptwriters

Apart from handing over their salaries, using their job skills for him too, they also have to do household chores and gardening.

I read through his journal and I really understand why he needs a proofreader, it was hard going (btw nobody is "dominate" you can be dominant, one of my pet peeves), but it really looks like he is living in some weird fantasy land, some drivel about being the leader of a pack of wolves, with all his slaves (so far non-existant) being his 2nd line of defense.

I copy and paste part of the journal entry:


I  think the following passage about myself speaks for itself which is taken from a note I sent to an acquaintance recently.  I felt I had to share it here.

"As I build my company I want my project team to be a tight pack, but not constricted by creativity.  I want them to be passionate about what I want. Recently I had to do a paper on a leader as it relates to my college program (database management) and  what I wanted professionally. I wound up choosing Larry Ellison (Oracle fame) and found I hated him very much for his professionalism - or lack there of.  I never want to become this type of corporate owner.

YES I am dominate,

YES I know what I want,

YES I want a second line pack following behind me like a pack of defensive wolves,

BUT NO, I do not have to be a selfish pompous jerk about it."

That was actually some of the sanest drivel he put in there, it's nice to dream about a business empire, but if you're living of social security, maybe the first move would be to do something that makes you able to support yourself.
Yes, disability makes it harder, but the idea of finding a bunch of slaves who will all work for him for free, is not really based in reality, and so far it hasn't worked for him. And he does sound like a selfish, pompous jerk.

We all know what we want, I really want to win the damned lottery (maybe I should start playing then), I really want mansions all over the planet in all my fave cities, that private plane, the cosy little castle, my own private island (hello Mr Branson, how about Necker Island?), gosh, I guess I am not "dominate" enough for it, because in the meantime, I'm still working, because the damned mortgage for the house needs to be paid off.

Oh well, a great deal of people aren't too well adjusted or don't play with a full deck of cards, I guess it's really unrealistic to expect everybody who's into BDSM to be in touch with reality...


Btw a pretty good example of how it can be different is this erotic photo blog, it shows how BDSM can be a loving relationship and that not all Doms are a bit "mentally challenged":

Downright Debauchery

The "talk"

I'm aware that it's a bit of a rehash, but the subject came up again on a board.

The situation is this, nice guy likes pro-Domme, he likes her a bit more than he should, she gives him the dreaded talk and tells him they can't see each other for a while, because he's getting in too deep and is losing touch with what it is really about.

Obviously he can't understand it and feels like he is punished for being honest.

He isn't, even if it might feel like it, she is making sure he doesn't get obsessed, forces him to have a reality check and forces him to see the situation for what it really is.

Guys, if you're crushing on your Domme, it's not a bad thing but it shouldn't take over most of your life, during a session a bit of a crush is a great thing, but it's not love, there isn't a chance of her being your girlfriend. Most Dommes really don't want a brain washed robot (unless they really have no effing clue about anything), I said it countless times before, it's a sport for adults.

Let me put it this way, I do enjoy a nice glass of wine or a snifter of great single malt (preferably Islay if you're planning to buy me one), I can't handle a bottle, I enjoy a nice spinach pizza, I don't enjoy 5 of them (and you wouldn't want me to, unless you have a fetish for BBWs). Keep it in perspective, use your brain, moderate yourself.

Submission in a session or in context can be wonderful, very enjoyable, there's no problem taking a little bit of it out into the real world, like doing stuff you know she approves of, watching your diet, exercising more, etc.
If you want me to be perfectly honest (you might not but I'm going to be anyway, deal with it), it's all stuff you should be doing for yourself anyway, you're an adult, but I understand that it's a bit easier when you're doing it for a Domme, as some act of worship. Heaven knows that when us girls go on a diet we use every help we can.

In case you find yourself falling for a Domme, take a break, session around a bit, now if you don't enjoy sessioning with other Dommes at all, take a break, put the money aside, your desire will come back and you'll be glad for a little fund you can dip into. Do something completely else that will make you feel good, a hobby, be a volunteer for something you support.

I know it sucks to be in love, or to think you are in love, and the object of your desire doesn't have the same feelings for you, hurts like hell, and yes, been there, thank you very much. Might be undomly to admit it, but who gives a damn? Anybody going to come and tear up my Domme card? I'm really shaking in my thigh high boots (actually I'm lying, due to rain storms in the UK I'm wearing very glamorous Doc Martens and yes, me and both doggies were almost blown away).

This freaking post really took me ages as I was quite busy with the work for charities, and actually a bit of hands on work for a charity that's in the next town, fantastic people who spend all their money for neglected and abandoned animals. If you really want to do me a favour, share the link all over your networks, the more people see it, the more possibly donate as they are threatened by closure due to lack of funds. Extra kudos if you actually send them just a bit you can spare, just make it discrete, I don't really want them to know about my alter ego and hobby. I don't know how they would react, but hey, why chance it, right?

AngelsRescue

Hey hey hey

I'm still alive ;)

Gosh, so much happened, a nasty broken ankle, an involvement with several charities, I'm so excited about that and great progress. I don't even mind getting paid a lot less for my time as I can see how much it helps and makes a change. We all need a purpose in life!

Still active on the kinky front but even more underground, so it's feast of famine, but if I feast, oh how do I feast ;) A bit like a snake having huge bites and digesting that slowly...

Still vegetarian with no desire to change it and feeling superbly well, still smoke free...

Additionally working with a dog trainer and what a boost for my ego to be told I'm a natural and the dogs are superbly trained, all I need to do is some minor changes in my body language so the dogs understand a bit better, something called passive leadership. Had the odd chuckle when the dog trainer asked me where I learned the stuff, apparently I have assertive body language and I am great in passive leadership and the dogs just want to please me (H didn't really like to be told that the dogs see me as the pack leader, but I did, ha ha ha) and how rare it is to have somebody in complete control of 2 dogs as the dynamics are different then to just having a single dog. I might have stuttered a bit and said I just watched the dogs, I wasn't quite sure that the trainer was ready to hear about years of training subbies ;)

So apart from all the rain and stuff, things are pretty good, and gay marriage still hasn't caused mine to disintegrate, how weird is that? I thought there would be that big bang and things would all be turned upside down....

That's all for now, might be back ranting about BDSM in a little while. Sometimes I just forget I have a blog.

Oh yeah and another vacuum cleaner lost the will the live, I guess 2 Dobies (soon to be 3) and 2 cats are enough to convince a vacuum cleaner to die. I vacuum every day, the cats and dogs aren't balding in the slightest, where on earth do the hair come from?

On the super happy front, big boy cat bonded superbly with big Dobie boy and is now busy cleaning him all the time (in case girlie Dobie doesn't catch cat first and cleans cat like a puppy)

And the dogs are trying to find new careers as decorators...

Must be the cats who make the mess and fight the blankets, really....