Monday, 24 February 2014

Romantic or creepy?

Again, it all started off on a message board, some guy wanted to know what ticks Dommes off the most, a bunch of women chimed in, after all there isn't really that much difference in orientation, you're a woman on the internet, you get approached, even worse if it's a kink related message or discussion board, it's just the way it is. Doesn't make it alright or acceptable but you may as well complain about the weather or taxes...

So anyway, the discussion goes, pretty much the usual stuff, then guy shows up from out of nowhere and complains why women don't reply to messages, again the women try to explain that often a polite "Thank you, but no thank you!" will lead to insults hurled at us, it's sometimes easier to just delete and not reply. Somebody pointed out that not everybody is on there to hook up and find a partner, the ones that are, his profile might cancel him out, due to location, age, preference, etc. 

Needless to say he thought if you're on a board you're more or less obliged to talk to anybody who contacts you via a PM (though a bit scared when I suggested that he makes a female profile just for a day to see what kind of messages he would get, to better understand why some women won't reply).

What I found odd was that he insisted that we agree, when we actually didn't, should have given me a pause (I shouldn't be a sucker for socially inept people) but it seemed harmless enough, discussion on a message board kinda stuff. I just didn't reply because there was no point discussing with somebody and you say "This looks blue" and he insists that it's yellow and we agree on that.

Shortly after that he sent me a PM where he asked if he could discuss something with me that he wanted advise on. I told him that I'm not an oracle, but I can give him the female POV.

To cut a long story short, he found a female profile on the site that he felt might be his soul mate, I suggested contacting her, he already had sent her a letter but she hadn't read it and she hadn't even logged on for 30 days or something.
So I carefully explain again, it's not a dating site despite some people use it as such, she might not looking, might no longer be looking, maybe she has a relationship now and that is why she isn't online... Also it's an online profile, you can't tell - even if she was looking - if they have chemistry, if he's her type, all that, a bit too early to talk about a "potential soulmate".

Then it got really really creepy when he replied:

Yup maybe. But I'm willing to give it a shot. Being a bit of a geek I tracked her down.
Since we make a very good fit on so many points I've got a few ideas on how to proceed :)

One is to solicit her professional services (as a businesswoman) and other is to offer mine (as a photographer). Also judging from her profile I had some some creative ideas to play with her mind a bit, sending her a rose an then a rose extra in addition to the sum earlier, each day in different colors. In the end it would play out like a Simon Says game and then a message would be revealed.

I also just thought about sending her a letter.
I'm casually on the whole evening now doing some studies so please stop by when you can if you want!

I really want to give this one a go :)

I tried to discourage him, told him the photographer thing, not really, it's a bit stale (especially since he isn't a professional photographer, really the worst pick-up line), cautioned him to take a step back and consider it from her point of view, somebody sending me roses anonymously with messages, letting me know he tracked me down, it would FREAK ME OUT. It is stalkerish and it is an intrusion of my privacy, no if and no but, unless somebody gives you the real name and invites you to have contact outside of a message board, YOU DON'T DO IT, you don't force your attentions on somebody or force your way into their life. Period!

I really thought he got it, but nope, next reply:

She wishes to have someone to photograph her for a special project.
And heh, what do you mean with delete? I mean send her actual roses with a deliveryman of course :)

I know the stalker thing is a risk, but hey...a risk worth taking I think.
I've tracked her down so I've learned a little bit more.

What would be the most careful way do you think? Especially for a dominant lady of reasonable experience and intelligence. 

My reply was simple: Somebody tracking me down, I would freak out, seriously, I'd call the cops.

He couldn't understand why:

I think she'd be a little flattered.

Look, that's partly the reason why i asked you for advice.
There are ways to charm someone. I've rarely had the need to.

Why would you call the cops if someone saw your picture somewhere, read some poem you had just thrown into the dustbin and took a fancy to you and went around the world to find you only to say hello.

I'd be charmed. 

I explained that he is not a woman, she has a profile on a kink site, approaching her in real life with "Look how clever I am! I tracked you down!" Most sane people would react with "Call the police, I didn't give this person my address, if he goes through such great length to find a stranger without an invitation, what else is that person capable of?"

Again, he didn't understand, I tried to be clearer (should have possibly painted a picture, held up a stop sign) nothing worked, so I figured my attempts at being diplomatic don't work at all and told him that he has an unhealthy obsession over an internet avatar. He might reflect a bit, he doesn't want to get into trouble with the authorities, possibly a jealous boyfriend, tracking somebody down IS CREEPY and WRONG, it went back and forth a few times and I tried to make it clear to him that it is "highly unlikely" that it would have the desired effect, that it is NOT a healthy approach. 

Guess what, after a few more messages he got really angry with me because I didn't tell him what a wonderful idea it is, typical for stalkers, you contradict them and when they can't pretend that you are in agreement with you, they get nasty <waves over to MF>

That's what I get for placing my trust with random people on the internet.
Not everyone here are a creep. I thought that I had perhaps found my soulmate and just wanted some pointers. But you obviously think the worst of people.

For anybody who's interested, I threw the question up on CM and most people really agreed that it certainly isn't the done thing, I think only one woman said it might not turn out quite as bad as everybody thinks...

OK, you are possibly sick and tired of my soap box, but honestly, please protect yourselves, I know everybody thinks stalking is something that happens to others, it's not and you really do not want to be on the receiving end of it!


  • Do NOT give out any email addy that is connected with your social networks, make a new one that you use only for kink boards and interactions, don't even THINK of using your professional email addy (think about the fun the guys in the IT department might have with that, and if they fire you, this is NOT something you want to come up in a law suit if you appeal)
  • Do not post facial pictures, especially not ones you use on other networks (FB etc) as well, there are tons of facial recognition programs out there. Shadows work marvellously well and add a bit of mystique
  • If you are on a message board and there is a poster or a posse of posters who will follow a person who upset them around to have pops at them, be VERY VERY CAREFUL, people aren't that different online than they are in real life (fell for that one myself and regretted it), they don't even need to address the person, they will try to comment in the same thread, throw snide remarks, it's a very very good indicator! Chances are they have been warned by the mods and are "playing the game" but they can't stop their stalkerish tendencies
  • Get a Google number or get a cheap phone, if you're in the US a burner phone is great
  • Use common sense, don't expect that everybody into BDSM is a friend, a hell lot of different people are into BDSM
  • Watch the language of somebody, if they claim to adore women but always use terms like "chicks" and such, it's a bad sign
  • Pretending to be super submissive or super macho - RED FLAG
  • Sexual slurs like "seem to be gay" and all that stuff, quite a few of them are homophobes (and I expect closet queers)
  • Seriously, if somebody gives you the creeps, trust your gut feeling
End of soap box rant, stay well and look after yourselves!

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