Of Men and errr Women...

It was something I read on a message board, a kink board, but in a way it really doesn't just translate to kink but almost every situation where men and women interact in relationships or attempts to form relationships.

Background is, a guy new to BDSM (D-type) gets a boner each time somebody calls him Sir, which is a bit inconvenient because he's in the military (tight briefs, Sir, forget about wearing boxer shorts, Sir - sorry, couldn't resist) and if he goes shopping he eyes up women and wonders how their breasts would look with clamps, their butts with his hand prints...

So in short a discussion got sparked off, nothing unusual, most people had the take "Your thoughts are free, as long as you don't stare or make it obvious, nobody knows what you are thinking, if it bothers you, concentrate on your tax bill..."

Topic went a bit off track, as it happens everywhere but especially on the internet.

Some women expressed a dislike for being leered at (understandable), men declared it as a compliment and we should be happy, and a guy threw in the question:

"Hey, you girls can't tell me that you never looked at a stranger and wondered how it would feel if his cock would slide into you...."

Much bewilderment amongst the female participants (dominants and subs alike) and pretty resounding "No, not really! Never!"

More bewilderment from the men, all women (even some who said they have an abnormally high sex drive) bewildered that the guys don't understand...

Light bulb moment and a woman asking "Is that why strange men send us cock pictures? They really think we want to see this?"

It really does explain a lot, it's not completely new and all that, but I hardly have ever seen it spelled out that clear. Deep down we all know that men and women process things a bit different, but sometimes it just takes something like that to make it all crystal clear.

Somewhere else there was another comment, when a guy asked if all Dommes want payment, there were a couple of funny remarks, I was tempted to say "You can pay in blood, and nope, I'm not a vampire or a blood bank!" But figured it's not good form to scare newbies, so for a change I actually DID behave (can I have a round of applause please?)

A good one came from a dominant Lady:
"Basically, you're going to have to pay in some sort of currency or another to be in a relationship with a woman."

Another great comment came from a switch guy who seems to understand women very well:
"In gender-sensitive language, women want something out of the "relationship", and, the more impersonal the relationship, the more impersonal the "thing" that women want out of said relationship."

Or as DominaM said once (I'm paraphrasing since I don't recall her exact words):
"You don't pay us to dominate you, you pay us to go away and not dominate you and call you up, when we want that iced coffee at 3am in the morning!"

It basically boils down to a conversation I had on the blog of hermajestysplaything where we discussed what goes into a D/s relationship and how to make sure that it has a long life, and the idea is really trying to meet each other half-way and COMMUNICATION, not just talking AT each other, but listening what the other person is really saying.

Kinky relationships really aren't all that different from real relationships, still humans involved with feelings and all that...

Sorry if I didn't deliver the perfect blue print, in case anybody has one, please give me a shout!

Experiment Part I

After talking for months with a friend (male) about what happens to your inbox if you're female and on a BDSM site and showing him my RANT regarding how guys approach women, we laughed, but he thought I was exaggerating. We joked and I told him he could use some of my pics (most vanilla) and I just crop my head out, he should make himself a female profile. The first thing he said:

Dated:

8/1/12 8:04 PM

30 seconds in with no text on my profile - 9 views and 3 messages already!!!

You might guess that it got worse, about 12 hours in, 7 pages of dross when I checked the profile. Doesn't look like anybody reads profiles, of course a few who offer to be blackmail slaves and all that... I'm currently playing with one who claims to be a shopping slave, my guess is that he will disappear within minutes, if not of course I'll tell him, but my money is on him just trying to get his kicks talking about it.

I made a wishlist on Amazon, it's under a false address, so anybody buying anything there, it will be delivered back to Amazon and the person gets the money back, so nobody is going to be screwed out of money. Now when I made the wish list and gave it to the guy, he claimed he'd send something from it, oddly enough Amazon doesn't even seem to know it, I'm sure it must be a "hitch".

I'd also like to stress that nothing in the profile solicited presents or anything like that, it was the broadest of terms, and sounds a bit like a loon (no limit slave and such):

Looking for subs to use and abuse as I see fit. Have no limits and be on your knees when you approach...

I'm not interested in watching you on cam or do online games, that means you'd be wasting MY time. 

Tell me what you have to offer and why I should pick you, if you want my interest!

---

I best post what he had to say about it in his profile:

I've always wondered what Dommes on here have to go through. I always read on profiles how swomped they get with messages, pictures sent and no consideration given to the Lady in question. This has always been slightly hard to believe as I can say as what I consider to be a genuine sub on here for a number of years that I have had barely a handful of unsolicited messages from genuine subs, and I would never send a message without a degree of thought.

After talking about this with a friend on here we decided that I would set up a profile as a Domme and see first hand what you Lady's have to go through. Today is day one....

After setting up a blank profile I instantly had messages waiting and chat requests. I didn't even open any messages but still they came. Before long I had more views of my profile than I probably have on this profile in 6 months!

My friend has kindly supplied me with a handful of her own photos, entirely genuine and a variety of poses from one of her foot/leg to full face and body pics. I've drip fed the first 3 of these onto the profile starting with the least on show and working my way up, each addition giving a new surge in messages.

I started reading/opening messages which inspired a further surge messages as people asked why I hadn't responded.

Lastly I added a little text which did encourage a handful of messages from people who had read the text and did slightly tailor the text to suit what it said.

After being "a Domme" for approximately 4 hours I have already had 6 pages of messages!

I expect there will be some on here that will disagree with this experiment, however its something I wish I'd done sooner and would recommend any sub to experience. The overall feeling I have so far is of embarrasment on behlf of male subs. I know there is a degree of stereotyping as there are undoubtedly good ones out there but I now see how hard it is for us to stand out. I have however learnt so much from it that will improve me.

The experiment will continue and I will report what I learn here...

I doubt he will continue the experiment, because I am getting increasingly frequent feedback of "Ewww" and "I don't really understand why guys send those kinda pictures...

He's a very nice person and I really feel a bit sorry for him, but he was curious about it ;) From what I see and understand, he doesn't even log into the female profile anymore out of fear what he sees...