Meeting that guy from the internet...

It's basically a follow up to the "difficult to find a date on the internet" post I made the other day, guys claim that women are so hard to talk to, but women complain far more often about being stood up, guys go through the whole song and dance and then get cold feet, disappear, make dates and don't show up... So I guess this one is more for the ladies, but I'm pretty sure the guys might also find a bit of value, even if it is just to understand better why women are a bit careful.

As for being stood up, yes it happens, you develop a radar after a while, you also develop a radar for BS, seriously, if something doesn't feel right, chances are that it isn't right, pretty much the same as I mentioned in the post about what to do if you have a stalker your own instinct is the best protection you can have, for stalkers, for fakes, for people playing games.

I've mentioned a few times that I'm not looking for anything, so if I'm meeting somebody it's just for being social, I'm not going to get worked up about somebody who won't show up, but I'm also not rearranging my schedule much to accommodate somebody I haven't met before. 

Ladies, just keep a clear head and don't get too worked up, I wouldn't recommend meeting a stranger in a place where you always go for various reasons, for example if he should turn out to be a stalker (which I certainly hope not), you don't want to give him a way to find you easily all the time, also if his manners aren't up to scratch, you really don't want people talk about that in your local bistro or pub (don't remind me of the guy who thought kissing my feet would be the acceptable way to behave in public...). Go somewhere where you like going, bring a book or a magazine and if he doesn't show up, enjoy your coffee and read. Desperation is worse than a bad perfume.

Now since this is a kink blog, I assume we are talking about guys you meet on kink related sites, but this should pretty much go for all kind of internet dating. I'm not saying you need to play hard to get, but don't make it too easy. Think about it, what kind of impression do you give if you're too available - you don't want to come across as too desperate. 
Also be clear what you expect, if you don't want to be a booty call, say so in a profile, not in those words but mention that you're only interested in getting to know somebody who is like you interested in a long term relationship, then tell them what you expect from a partner APART from your kink, unless you are waiting for a mind reader, in that case be prepared to wait for a long long time... So yes, hobbies, what is important for you, what you can't deal with, but try to sound positive, nobody wants a sourpuss!
Not sounding negative goes for, don't complain on your profile about people who stood you up, don't talk about the bad experiences you have made. You're going to meet somebody for the first time, he doesn't want your whole life-story and everything that went wrong, every relationship that has failed. Come on, how would you feel if a guy would tell you about all his exes and stuff? See how that works? A guy who's interested in meeting YOU, doesn't want your whole relationship history, your medical history, your family history, he wants to to meet you to get to know you.
Chances are you already had a few mails exchanged, spoke on the phone and all that, so you should have an idea about his hobbies, maybe his work, ASK about that, keep the conversation light, you're still getting to know each other!

Also the pics, well you want to be sure that not the guy from next door or the next cubicle will recognize you and tell everybody and their dog about you being on a kink site, I often discussed how to maintain your privacy and protect your identity. Don't use anything you use on another network (FB for example) there are tons of facial recognition programs, a bit of shadow will add some mystery, you don't want the creepy internet dude to track you down and send you flowers and riddles. Also as a woman, if you want guys being interested in you (that means you as a person and not your orifices) don't pose naked. Yes, you will get less answers, but it's about quality and not quantity, that is unless you want somebody to contact you who's really only looking for a fuck bunny and the guys looking for a partner pass you by because they think you're just interested in dick (and that's not Richard). The explicit pics can wait, think about all the teens who text topless and naked shots and live to regret it, be a bit smarter.

Move fairly quick, a guy who's seriously interested will want to talk to you fairly soon, don't give out your home phone number but use a mobile, skype, etc. If somebody doesn't want to talk to you, they might have something to hide, also the time when they are talking to you, if they don't have time in the evenings or the weekends, chances are that they're married and just playing a game. They don't answer their phone on the weekends or in the evenings... Take a wild guess...
A guy who's serious about meeting somebody isn't going to wait 6 months, if he's dragging things out and out, maybe it's time to move on. Would you want to be with a guy who doesn't seem to think that meeting you is a priority? Doesn't really bode well for the future, does it?

I don't have to give you the drill about the usual stuff, like meeting in a public place, no play on the first date, going in your own car and all that, I hope you're adult enough to really consider your personal safety a priority. Just because it's got to do with kink doesn't mean that everybody into it is nice, nothing could be further from the truth. 

When it comes to chatting and talking on the phone, without being a prude, don't get too sexual, a ton of guys out there who get their kicks from cyber and phone sex, don't put a poor cam girl or phone sex girl out of a job ;) No seriously, you don't want to invest time and possibly emotions into a guy who's just trying to get his rocks off via electronic means, you don't want to be his cyber or phone booty call.

Oh and another thing, ladies, let's be a bit realistic, it's nice to expect Prince Charming on the white horse and riding off into the sunset, but seriously, if your expectations are unrealistic, you won't get a lot of serious takers and possibly a bunch of wankers who just want to play games and have no desire to ever meet face to face. They'll lie to you because they know when you'd meet them they couldn't keep up the lie. 
For those of you who still don't understand it, 50 Shades is FICTION, you're about as likely to meet kinky handsome, billionaires through a kink site as you are likely to meet them in the supermarket.

There's a lady who's complaining that she gets stood up regularly and she always gets super worked up and excited about meeting a submissive, only they never show up. Another poster was smart enough to look at her profile and summed up what she is looking for:


1. Will be available for vanilla dates when you want.
2. Is a service slave, doing household chores for you.
3. Will have sex with your husband.
4. Will not have sex with you.
5. Will take branding, whipping, etc., from you.
6. Has no sissification fantasies.
7. Lives within two hours of .......
8. Will financially support your household.

Despite the fact that you're searching for Superman, he's gonna have to take the backseat to your husband.

Forget it. Your expectations are unrealistic. 


That's what I meant with unrealistic expectations, any relationship, be it vanilla or BDSM is a give and take, even if it doesn't look like it, it involves 2 (or more) people, and they want something out of the relationship. That's not being calculating, that's just what it is. Otherwise, why would people be in relationships, if you're not getting what you want, it's much easier to be on your own and able to live your life how you chose to do it.

When it comes to looking for a partner, it might help to sit down and make a list, what you have to offer, what you need and what you'd be willing to compromise on. If you want Brad Pitt (the looks and the financial means) and you want all the kinks to mesh 100%, it's going to be a long long wait... 

Seriously, please also consider all the other qualities apart from compatible kinks, when it comes down to it, you got to LIVE with that person, and if all you have in common is kink, it's not going to last. 

Another woman is more or less looking for a vanilla relationship, she doesn't want to top him, she doesn't want anything to do with fetishes but she wants him to be submissive to her, but she makes it quite clear that she won't do BDSM play, wants vanilla sex and romance, but she wants to "own" him. I guess she thinks she's some Princess and her Prince is hankering after her and ready to charge on his white horse when she wants. Maybe it is D/s however, there are pages of pages of what she doesn't want, which word should be in the reply so she'll actually will deign to read it, all with some cheesy generic pics of mythical animals and flowers. Then a journal full of pretty awful prose, has to be a certain age and live nearby... Judging from her profile she's been looking under that name for about 2 years... 
Girls, when it comes to kink, you do have all the advantages, men vastly outnumber women (especially submissive men to dominant women), but don't make the mistake of thinking that on a kink board you can get away with asking for the impossible.
Also keep up your end of the bargain, if you're entering into a relationship WITH kink, don't take the kink out, don't think you can put up with it for a while and wean him off, won't work. The equivalent of a couple with a great sex life and a few years into the marriage it's down to lights out and missionary position once every month - if that happens, nobody wonders why the guy strays, so why should it be any different if you take the kink away?




Just a few hints, and I do hope things work out for you. Hey I met hubby on the internet too, we both weren't looking and it was actually a geek board, for quite a while he thought he was talking to a guy. Seeing how it turned out, I think he wasn't too disappointed, we still laugh because friends had bets going and the maximum of time they thought it would work was 6 months. I guess if you look just briefly, we don't seem to be very compatible. Seriously, compromises are normal in a relationship, but they can't be one-sided. Often women are too eager to please, there's nothing wrong with wanting to make your partner happy, as long as your partner also wants to make you happy. That would be something I'd really focus on if I'd ever be looking again (don't hope so).

Oh and please, do go into the first meeting with a clear head, don't really start planning the names of all future kids and their careers when you've just met. Because it's kink related doesn't mean the same stuff applies that applies to all other dating. Relationships tend to develop over time, not over night.
Now should the guy really not be to your liking, have at least the decency to let him down easy, chances are that he's as insecure as you are (meeting strangers from the internet can be a bit stressful), he's made an effort, tell him you don't think you have the chemistry, don't point out every flaw you perceived, and don't think the first guy you'll meet will be THE ONE. Basically think about how you would feel if somebody would tell you that they don't think it's going to work and have the decency to treat another person the way you want to be treated.

How was that for an agony aunt? Now if I have bored you to death, drop me a line and toss some ideas at me. I basically write when something catches my attention. In case I'm too boring, inspire me.... 

Why is it so hard to meet somebody online?

Actually, I don't really agree with it, but it is something that comes up again and again in discussions, and not just guys claim that, also women. Though the women tend to complain a lot more about being stood up (which does happen, yours truly also has been stood up), guys tend to complain about women are so hard to approach.

Mind you, at the moment I'm more talking about life-style, leave Pro-Dommes aside for a moment, because that's pretty clear cut.

When it comes to life-style, I guess it is quite difficult for guys to meet women, but guys, in all fairness, you make it pretty hard for yourself. I was just joking with a friend about it as I got a bunch of mails on CM and FL, where people claim to have read my profile and they deducted from that, that they're my ideal partner/slave/submissive...

Now my profile states VERY VERY clearly, that I'm not looking, that I have a partner, I'm there for the forums and discussions. Sure if I got the time, I'll happily talk to somebody, but it really depends how somebody approaches me. If you approach me claiming to have read my profile and you clearly haven't, well, that's a bit of a bad start, isn't it? I mean you start out with telling me a big lie and then you wonder why I don't want to talk to you?
Basically you're telling me that you couldn't even take the time to find out ANYTHING about me, you might have looked at my picture and because you're a bit desperate, the little head started to do all the thinking. Additionally you just assume I'm so stupid that I won't spot your lie, you expect me to be flattered? I mean really? Might work in an alternative reality, unfortunately we're still on planet Earth.
And nope, after I told you 3 times that I am not looking and my profile clearly says so, really no need to send me another message with "Let me know if you change your mind!" Buttercup, don't hold your breath!

Also if you want to friend me so you can tell me all about your kinks, hell no! Buddy, you're a stranger, why would I want to hear the explicit fantasies of a complete stranger? Do I look like a sex therapist or do you think my life revolves around you getting your rocks off? Even more if you send me messages in text speak. Seriously, I'm not 14 anymore and your profile says you're in your 50's and "wud b interested in being ur friend Im vy kinky n wud like 2 discuss this with u., btw u luk GORGEOUS!" is the best you can do, I have to pass (and yes, it is copy and paste). Because I was still having my morning coffee and was procrastinating (something I do rather well) I replied and suggested that leading with your kink and spelling like a teenager texting doesn't really work. The reply was that I should command him to spell right and he wants to talk NOW.
Where do I start? 1st, I don't take orders from strange "submissive" men (Can you spot the contradiction?), 2nd don't effing tell me how to spend my time, 3rd why would I want to command a stranger? I'm not suffering from Domititis, I have no desire to command or dominate everybody and everything around me, that would be rude and very frustrating. I actually enjoy treating people in a polite manner, the clincher is, that I expect to be treated politely too. Pretty simple...

I am chatting with somebody currently, well several messages a day when we both have time, nothing in common kink wise and far away from each other, but he sent me a really nice and polite mail, wished me a nice day, and naturally I replied. We talked about all sort of things, and yeah, his kink came up too and his search. Because now we were already talking, it wasn't a bit deal, it was just something that came up, I think I could help him to identify a few problems and suggested that he might increase his chances by knowing how to do a good massage or a simple manicure, not perfect, just something that every woman loves to have done to her. Something that gives him a bit of "bargaining power" - though bargaining is the wrong word, if he can offer something that women want, he has a foot in the door, it's a lot easier than "Well, I can offer you my kinks", there's no shortage of those offers and he's competing in a very competitive arena where a lot of women always complain that guys just want something from them and they feel like a fetish delivery system. A guy who offers something without strings, he'll stand out, somebody might be tempted to get to know him and even if his kinks aren't 100% hers, a bit of give and take, and we make allowances for people we like. It really isn't rocket science!

Honestly, I can't give anybody a blue print and tell you exactly what works, but look what you have to offer (besides your kinks, do NOT lead with your kink) and treating women like you would treat them in a vanilla environment (in short, be a Gentleman, if she isn't a Lady, her loss and you wouldn't want her anyway, at least I hope you aren't that desperate) will go a long way.

What I can tell you is what doesn't work and what frustrates women without end!

Actually I planned to write something about women and why they might not be as successful as they wish when it comes to online dating, or kinky dating, but there is that pesky thing called work, and I best get to it, but I might give it a go next! 

Public Service Announcement

This is almost an exact copy of what I put on my fetlife page, it has to do with the messages I get on lifestyle sites such as CM and FL. I mention in each of my profiles explicitly that I am not looking, do you think it stopped the messages "Hey, do you want to do ..... to me?"

Seriously, if I'm going to be a service top to a stranger, you better compensate me, doesn't have to be money. You best offer something in exchange because otherwise I feel used and ripped off. Of course I'll play with friends, but if you are writing to me out of the blue, you're not a friend, you are a stranger who's trying to USE me to get his kinky rocks off. Please do tell me what on earth is dominant about being used?

Oh I can hear that I should do it out of enjoyment, guess what, I can find that enjoyment with somebody who I know and like, not some stranger from the internet. You know somebody who might not try and dictate what I should do to him.
Let me be blunt (I know, very unusual for me): You're getting off on getting an enema and having your ass reamed with a strapon. That's absolutely cool, I don't have a problem with it, but that doesn't mean that *I* want to take time out of my daily schedule, have a stranger coming to MY home, that I want to look at your chocolate starfish, listen to you expelling the enema in MY bathroom (possibly cleaning up the mess you left - ewww), get dressed up (and then disinfect my clothes, the play area and the bathroom after you're done) use MY strapon on you (chances are that you also expect me to buy the enema, the condoms, etc.) all for the pleasure of fucking you in the ass. Give me a freaking break!

Oh I know, you're going to offer me compensation, right, you're going to offer oral worship and to be my sex toy. Sorry buttercup, I translate for you what you are saying to how I am receiving it:

"I'm going to eat you out as a reward, because I like performing cunnilingus and guys like BJs so all women must have wet dreams of strangers licking their pussy!"

Wakey wakey, smell the coffee, the idea of a stranger's lips and tongue on my nether regions makes me a bit queasy, and not the good way.

So basically what you're saying is, that this should be an irresistible offer for me, you mean I look so bad that I couldn't just walk into a bar and pick up a guy who'd go down on me as part of the sex? Charming! Or you think I look so awful that even hubby won't go down on me (like I'd marry a guy who'd be afraid of eating pussy - do I really look so stupid?), so I have to take you up on your offer?

See how well your offer worked? As an afterthought, I also know where my pussy has been, I have no idea where your tongue has been. (I think I just grossed myself out)

Btw, would you walk up to a girl in a vanilla environment and make her that offer or would you be worried to end up with a massive shiner and a few teeth missing? See where I am going with this? Exactly, if you wouldn't behave like a complete oaf and an Neanderthal in a vanilla environment or a vanilla site, then why on earth do you think you need to leave all manners and social graces with your coat, just because this happens to be a kinky site? Only a complete idiot would think so and I let you into another secret: Women usually aren't attracted to complete idiots!

Here it goes:

Guys, you might have a little bit more success if you wouldn't treat women as fetish delivery systems, nothing wrong with wanting a bit of kink or wanting it on tab whenever you want it, there are professional dommes who will give you exactly that, that's why they are "professionals" and they get compensated for their time and expertise. Please don't give me the BS that it's not the same, of course it isn't, but it's also not the same for a woman to get approached by a random guy expecting to get his kinky urges scratched because he wants to.

I get the hump a bit when horny net geeks think it's acceptable to more or less demand it because they like your pic (nope, I don't feel honored or flattered) but then complain if you suggest they see a professional, especially if they go on that they are just "prostitutes" - well actually, they are not.
All it means is that those jerks don't have any respect for women, and that's an instant turn off!

As a public service announcement guys:

• If you write to a woman for the first time, don't mention kink and try to write with both hands on the keyboard to a person not to a fetish delivery system

• Keep your pants on, you might think your dick is spectacular, we've possibly seen a lot more than you will ever do and unless we're really into you, it's just not that special or anything we want to see first! And really, present yourself from your best side, if a dick is all you got to show, chances are that we think you are a dick.

• There are a lot more guys than girls looking, so your chances are a lot worse from the word "go" - do you really need to fuck up for yourself with obnoxious emails?