It was something I read on a message board, a kink board, but in a way it really doesn't just translate to kink but almost every situation where men and women interact in relationships or attempts to form relationships.
Background is, a guy new to BDSM (D-type) gets a boner each time somebody calls him Sir, which is a bit inconvenient because he's in the military (tight briefs, Sir, forget about wearing boxer shorts, Sir - sorry, couldn't resist) and if he goes shopping he eyes up women and wonders how their breasts would look with clamps, their butts with his hand prints...
So in short a discussion got sparked off, nothing unusual, most people had the take "Your thoughts are free, as long as you don't stare or make it obvious, nobody knows what you are thinking, if it bothers you, concentrate on your tax bill..."
Topic went a bit off track, as it happens everywhere but especially on the internet.
Some women expressed a dislike for being leered at (understandable), men declared it as a compliment and we should be happy, and a guy threw in the question:
"Hey, you girls can't tell me that you never looked at a stranger and wondered how it would feel if his cock would slide into you...."
Much bewilderment amongst the female participants (dominants and subs alike) and pretty resounding "No, not really! Never!"
More bewilderment from the men, all women (even some who said they have an abnormally high sex drive) bewildered that the guys don't understand...
Light bulb moment and a woman asking "Is that why strange men send us cock pictures? They really think we want to see this?"
It really does explain a lot, it's not completely new and all that, but I hardly have ever seen it spelled out that clear. Deep down we all know that men and women process things a bit different, but sometimes it just takes something like that to make it all crystal clear.
Somewhere else there was another comment, when a guy asked if all Dommes want payment, there were a couple of funny remarks, I was tempted to say "You can pay in blood, and nope, I'm not a vampire or a blood bank!" But figured it's not good form to scare newbies, so for a change I actually DID behave (can I have a round of applause please?)
A good one came from a dominant Lady:
"Basically, you're going to have to pay in some sort of currency or another to be in a relationship with a woman."
Another great comment came from a switch guy who seems to understand women very well:
"In gender-sensitive language, women want something out of the
"relationship", and, the more impersonal the relationship, the more
impersonal the "thing" that women want out of said relationship."
Or as DominaM said once (I'm paraphrasing since I don't recall her exact words):
"You don't pay us to dominate you, you pay us to go away and not dominate you and call you up, when we want that iced coffee at 3am in the morning!"
It basically boils down to a conversation I had on the blog of hermajestysplaything where we discussed what goes into a D/s relationship and how to make sure that it has a long life, and the idea is really trying to meet each other half-way and COMMUNICATION, not just talking AT each other, but listening what the other person is really saying.
Kinky relationships really aren't all that different from real relationships, still humans involved with feelings and all that...
Sorry if I didn't deliver the perfect blue print, in case anybody has one, please give me a shout!
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
Tuesday, 4 December 2012
BDSM and a spouse
Whenever BDSM comes up and somebody is sneaking around the wife, a lot of people raise the finger and point out how dishonest it was to get involved, knowing your spouse doesn't share it...
To be honest, yes, it would be better if you would have thought about it before you got involved, but let's face it, we don't have much of a choice who we fall in love with and maybe you really thought those desires and urges would go away, or maybe they weren't quite as prominent as they are now. I'm not giving you a free pass for cheating on your spouse, but if you insisting on it would mess up the relationship, then by all means rather than force your wife or girlfriend to do something she'd hate, take it outside and then your best option is a pro domme.
The problem a lot of people have is talking to their other half and explaining, it's a bit easier for women, with submissive guys the main worry the woman will have is if you aren't going to change. There are a lot of rumours about and a lot of misconceptions about BDSM and her hearing that you have submissive feelings, she is bound to worry how the whole relationship will change. It's your job to reassure her that you are not planning to change the whole relationship (and in case you do and she doesn't want that, do what's right and let her go - long term you are both going to be unhappy), that you aren't expecting her to lead you around on a leash day in day out or keep you in a cage under the bed.
Proceed with caution is all I can say, and think how you bring it up, might be a good idea to share a bottle of wine and watch a movie that is a little bit kinky to bring it up, or talk about music, BDSM images are in most music videos, a great opening to mention something innocent like "Have you ever experimented with BDSM?"
In case she denies it and wonders why you ask: "The clothes are so hot and I thought about it a few times, as long as it's not too extreme..."
Don't shock her away with your wildest desires, give her time to get used to it. Also have a few things at hand, that maybe blindfolds or tying somebody to the bed is already a mild form of BDSM, now who hasn't done that at least once, it will look less scary to her ;)
Always make sure she understands that you want to try it with HER, you trust her, you feel comfortable enough with her... No woman wants to get the feeling that she's just a fetish delivery system, so tell her she would look great in boots, how much it turns you on to see her in them, how much more it would turn you on to see her just in boots...
Once you made her curious and she's willing to experiment a bit with you, again go slow, and after each experiment, be super super attentive and loving (flowers, doing something she wants to do, cuddles, etc.), yes in a way you do condition her to see kink as something very rewarding, something positive... She might even take advantage of it and initiate kinky things more often.
You should also ask what her boundaries are, what she can imagine, what would turn her on, and while I don't think you should get her mindlessly drunk (dangerous and how much fun is it if somebody has to interrupt to run and vomit...) if a glass of wine or a glass of champagne just makes her a bit more relaxed, go for it.
For a lot of people it's super helpful if they're doing some kind of role play, you might even go to a hotel first to play there, pretend that she picks you up at the bar or something like that. A lot of times it will make it easier for her, she can just pretend to be somebody else, it might even turn her own...
Also make sure that she knows everything is consensual and that she can stop at any point, use the simple traffic light code:
Green: Everything is fine
Yellow: Careful
Red: Stop straight away
What's really important is that you shouldn't expect that it will work from today to tomorrow, give her time, don't push too far and don't stop being her partner otherwise, unless she indicates that she wants to take more control. Give her enough time to get used to something and get comfortable with it before you push further.
You know there is an excellent book you should consider getting for you and your girlfriend/wife:
When Someone You Love Is Kinky
To be honest, yes, it would be better if you would have thought about it before you got involved, but let's face it, we don't have much of a choice who we fall in love with and maybe you really thought those desires and urges would go away, or maybe they weren't quite as prominent as they are now. I'm not giving you a free pass for cheating on your spouse, but if you insisting on it would mess up the relationship, then by all means rather than force your wife or girlfriend to do something she'd hate, take it outside and then your best option is a pro domme.
The problem a lot of people have is talking to their other half and explaining, it's a bit easier for women, with submissive guys the main worry the woman will have is if you aren't going to change. There are a lot of rumours about and a lot of misconceptions about BDSM and her hearing that you have submissive feelings, she is bound to worry how the whole relationship will change. It's your job to reassure her that you are not planning to change the whole relationship (and in case you do and she doesn't want that, do what's right and let her go - long term you are both going to be unhappy), that you aren't expecting her to lead you around on a leash day in day out or keep you in a cage under the bed.
Proceed with caution is all I can say, and think how you bring it up, might be a good idea to share a bottle of wine and watch a movie that is a little bit kinky to bring it up, or talk about music, BDSM images are in most music videos, a great opening to mention something innocent like "Have you ever experimented with BDSM?"
In case she denies it and wonders why you ask: "The clothes are so hot and I thought about it a few times, as long as it's not too extreme..."
Don't shock her away with your wildest desires, give her time to get used to it. Also have a few things at hand, that maybe blindfolds or tying somebody to the bed is already a mild form of BDSM, now who hasn't done that at least once, it will look less scary to her ;)
Always make sure she understands that you want to try it with HER, you trust her, you feel comfortable enough with her... No woman wants to get the feeling that she's just a fetish delivery system, so tell her she would look great in boots, how much it turns you on to see her in them, how much more it would turn you on to see her just in boots...
Once you made her curious and she's willing to experiment a bit with you, again go slow, and after each experiment, be super super attentive and loving (flowers, doing something she wants to do, cuddles, etc.), yes in a way you do condition her to see kink as something very rewarding, something positive... She might even take advantage of it and initiate kinky things more often.
You should also ask what her boundaries are, what she can imagine, what would turn her on, and while I don't think you should get her mindlessly drunk (dangerous and how much fun is it if somebody has to interrupt to run and vomit...) if a glass of wine or a glass of champagne just makes her a bit more relaxed, go for it.
For a lot of people it's super helpful if they're doing some kind of role play, you might even go to a hotel first to play there, pretend that she picks you up at the bar or something like that. A lot of times it will make it easier for her, she can just pretend to be somebody else, it might even turn her own...
Also make sure that she knows everything is consensual and that she can stop at any point, use the simple traffic light code:
Green: Everything is fine
Yellow: Careful
Red: Stop straight away
What's really important is that you shouldn't expect that it will work from today to tomorrow, give her time, don't push too far and don't stop being her partner otherwise, unless she indicates that she wants to take more control. Give her enough time to get used to something and get comfortable with it before you push further.
You know there is an excellent book you should consider getting for you and your girlfriend/wife:
When Someone You Love Is Kinky
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