Trolls on BDSM boards

Sadly enough you encounter trolls about everywhere on the net, but it seems on BDSM boards seem to be a bit worse than anywhere else.

Lately MF has had a huge influx of trolls, just one guy really, maybe with another idiot riding the coat tails, but a number of names.

Usually it's easy to ignore them, but this time a domme was targeted in the worst way possible, having been on the receiving end of such a little campaign by some deranged stalker, I had a fair idea how alone and horrible she felt through this, it's honestly not pleasant and it can get you down.

A couple of posters complained that I'm fanning the flames and I just should ignore the trolls, they do have a point, but after talking to the woman who was targeted and she said it meant the world to her that I spoke up for her, she received a ton of private messages of support, but nobody said anything in public and it was grinding her down.

When it comes down to giving support to the person who's unjustly attacked, I rather take the risk of a bit of fanning, because if you are in that position, it's horrible and for the person who's under fire, a little bit of support can mean a hell lot.

What I did in the end was make a post where I asked everybody to give a cheer for the domme being attacked, a ton of people joined in, she did feel better. So guys and girls, if you see some shit like that happening, some cyber-bullying or stalking, don't look away and just think ignoring them is enough, because for the victim and the abuser it looks like you're condoning their actions with silence.

Just my 5 cents

BDSM Clubs - connect with Dommes

I said a lot about it before and I'm going to link to some blog entries I made before so I don't need to repeat myself (and bore you to tears)

It's a difficult subject, I know and meeting somebody is not easy, my first advise would be to be yourself and really meet people at munches.
In case you are online and you try to talk to people, here are some traps to avoid when contacting a domme
You can be respectful and polite without turning into a sniffeling worm, and dommes tend to be not too attracted to guys who present themselves as worthless worms

In case you just discovered BDSM, you might be really overwhelmed and want to tell everybody about it but I'd advise you to think it through before you out yourself, once you're out of the closet, you can't go back in.
Also have reasonable expectations, don't get confused by labels and don't think everything is like in books or porn, don't expect to be coddled, you're looking for a domme and not a surrogate mom

In case it's just the occasional urge and you're happy with seeing a pro domme from time to time, go with that but do not fall into the trap of thinking it's a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship...
Don't fall in love with a Pro-Domme

So if you book a session, let her know what you want and respect her boundaries and don't get hung up on what to wear and keep your expectations in check, a perfect session requires not just a good domme but also a good chemistry. At one point we were all new to BDSM, but even if you're not, check this out it might make things easier for you and the domme!

Meeting a pro domme is not difficult, you find one who appeals to you and you contact her, after you read her website and after you checked out how to avoid putting your foot in!

Now meeting life-style dommes might be a bit more difficult, but you HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, most dommes are really not computer warriors who want to play cyber games, if you want to do that, do us all a favour and go to Niteflirt or another site, it's work and those women should be compensated for it. Basically you are not looking for a real relationship, you are looking for somebody who's wank fodder for you - there are plenty of free sites out there, if you can't find what you are looking for on the internet and you need to bug somebody, sorry buster, pay for it. No woman owes you to be a fetish delivery system for free!

So once you finally dared to venture out and go to some munches or parties, I gave you a few hints how to behave, in short, the same way you would behave if you would be around people who aren't kinky, just be polite and respectful.
It can't be said often enough: Dommes are women first and we want to be treated like women, not fetish delivery systems!
In short if you don't appeal to us as a woman first, you won't appeal to us as as dommes, so work on the charms and be polite without being a sniffeling menace who bugs us!

Let me make you a list:

1. Be polite and charming, behave like a gentleman!
2. Conversation is important! In case you don't have anything to say, think about a few themes that might interest women too, you might be passionate about your stamp or coin collection, but it's a fair bet most women aren't.
3. Compliment them, but don't go over board with sleazy stuff.
4. A good conversation starter are outfits and toys "Excuse me, I noticed your <item of clothing, toy, etc> can I ask you were you found it? Never seen one like that...."
5. Stand out from the crowd... Chances are there are at least 5 guys for every woman there, you don't want to be the 15th guy who offers to buy her a drink, offer her a crop (you can buy very cheap but high quality crops at equestrian stores)
6. Be honest, seriously, don't lie about your experience, especially if you have none, sooner or later it will come out anyway and if she can't trust you being honest about your experience, she'll possibly figure that she can't trust you at all and you messed up any chance you ever had - and your mouth most likely wrote a check that your ass can't pay.
7. Know your limits - sounds easy, you may even think you have none, so let me bring a few things up that might make you change your mind: lasting marks (scars, tattoos), feces, knifes, electrical play, breath play... I get to that later and give you a few pointers how you can find out in advance... People come into the lifestyle at any point of their lives, nobody was born with the knowledge, so letting somebody know that you aren't experienced doesn't count against you, some even might view you as "unspoiled".
8. Don't think you are experienced because you read a bit about BDSM or you"served" somebody online. There is a world of difference between typing you serve somebody a drink and actually serving somebody.
9. Don't pester dommes to play with you, you can mention that you would be delighted to play if she wishes (again, before that happens you tell her your limits or tell her that you're a newbie) and then leave it up to her. Dommes don't tend to be shy wallflowers, she'll let you know...
10. Know yourself, by that I mean don't get carried away, even if you see something you REALLY REALLY like, do not just go and touch, very bad idea... (I know, should not have to be said but unfortunately it has to be said because it happens)
11. Tolerance! Don't bitch about somebody's fetish, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to you, your fetish possibly looks just as ridiculous to somebody else! Live and let live!
12. In case I left something out - please let me know, this is a work in progress!

A lot of it is just common sense and you possibly have figured it out all yourself but in a situation like being in a BDSM club or at a BDSM party, it's easy to forget.

A simple example, I used to go to a Fetish Club in Munich, always pretty full but usually a lot more guys than women, in short it was pretty hard for the guys to meet women or get noticed by them, and to be honest as a woman, you got pretty annoyed after a while when every few minutes a guy came up to you and wanted to "serve" you, the service was usually a kinky interaction for THEIR enjoyment, because seriously, why would I want to exchange my comfy chair to sit rather uncomfy on some guys back, because he wanted to be objectified as a chair, couldn't be a foot stool, had to be a chair... How the hell is he serving me if I'm uncomfortable? Another domme was a non-smoker, a guy insisted on lighting a cigarette for her, because he had a smoking fetish and claimed he wanted to "serve her". Service is not something that turns you on, it's something the domme wants...

Anyway, there was one guy, not outrageously attractive, rather average looking, he carried a little box with him and came over, very politely told me that he admires my boots a lot and has a boot fetish, would I allow him to shine my boots.
I was taken aback for a moment, unlike a lot of the other guys, he was so polite and he actually offered something, and while my boots were nice and not dirty, having them polished well, yeah, sure. He opened his box and had a complete set for shoe care in it, boot blackener, different brushes, even a soft cloth for a proper shine, and guess what, he did a great job. I was so pleased, I asked him if I could buy him a drink as a thank you, he thanked me and insisted on buying drinks, we had a really good conversation and he told me he just wanted to stand out from the crowd and get to know dommes without pestering them, so he figured most of them have amazing shoes and while everybody asks them to kiss their shoes, polishing them is something he never saw offered. Well, damned good thinking! He could approach basically any domme he liked, got to know her, in case she was just a rude bitch, he polished the shoes, thanked her and left.

To cut a long story short, I introduced him to a few friends (other dommes) and whenever we saw him at the club, we talked to him, because we knew him, we also played on occasion with him, his social circle broadened a lot and he never stood around or was the gooseberry.

It doesn't matter if you bring a kit for polishing shoes, if you have some good quality (but cheap) crops and you give one to the domme who caught your eye or just as a conversation starter (again, buy them in equestrian stores - very cheap), do something FOR the domme, the usual "Can I buy you a drink" doesn't make you stand out. There are a lot of ways, if you're good at arts and crafts, make something kinky, again, just stand out from the crowd...

I know I promised a BDSM check list which should help you to define your limits and likes and all of that, but I guess this entry was rather long, so it will have to wait. Stay tuned.

And if you have questions or think a blog entry should deal with something, let me know!

Meeting a Domme (munches, parties, online)

Guys, one of the complains I hear all the time and everywhere is how difficult it is to meet a domme, true, but you know sitting at home and complaining about it on message boards won't make it much easier, I know a lot of you are worried about being out but if you are going to a munch, unless you are a highly visible celeb or politician, it's really nothing you have to worry about.

Let me give you a few pointers and explain what to expect and check it out yourself:

BDSM Munch

What to expect from a BDSM Munch

A munch usually happens in a restaurant or a pub, in a quiet area, the people are NOT dressed up, so please don't show up in all your BDSM regalia because nobody would appreciate it. To the outside world, it will look no different than a bunch of people meeting who share the same hobby, unless somebody listens in closely, you will appear to everybody like a group of people who could as well talk about bowling, sailing (think of all the knots), a group of dog or cat owners, colleagues...

It's a very low key social gathering, informal, low key gathering where you just socialize and meet other people, there is no play involved, you just talk to others and get to know them. It's a good way to find out what's going on in the community, which parties are good and what happens where.

The dress code depends on the place where the munch is held, but usually quite casual, if you are concerned about privacy, use another name. The people at munches really respect privacy (they're all in the same boat as you are) and it's usually on a first name basis.

You find munches by simply googling, BDSM munch and your location.

Once you have been to a few munches, you might be invited to private parties or public parties, or people will tell you which BDSM clubs are in the area and what you should know about them.

In Europe a lot of those parties or clubs have strict dress codes, it doesn't mean you need to arrive in full regalia (which for a lot of people could be a problem), there will be dressing rooms available. There's no need to go all out and show up in a gimp suit, but it's nice if you make some kind of effort, a pair of black leather trousers and a black t-shirt would be a nice touch and shows that you're not just a peeping tom who wants to watch "the pervs".

It's a lot better if you go with some people you know from the munches or a friend, you won't feel like you're all alone in a strange environment, which can be quite intimidating. They can also introduce you to other people (always easier in a group - a single male on his own can easily be the gooseberry) and they can keep an eye on you, help you with the etiquette.

In general BDSM clubs have a very friendly atmosphere (there will be the odd creep, but that's bound to happen anywhere) and the key is just being respectful. Let me point out that they are NOT swinger clubs and going to a BDSM club and thinking a bunch of horny females would jump you and drag you off - it's not going to happen.
Approach the people respectfully (like you would do in any other kind of club), a good way to start a conversation is to compliment somebody on the outfit, the shoes, the toys and just have a conversation. Don't go into full sub frenzy and run to the next dominant and beg him or her to play with you (first of all it's not going to be received well, if you appear desperate, you're undesirable, 2nd it's not safe).

It might actually be a good idea to just go to a bunch of parties and watch and observe, until you feel more at home, you have an idea who the people are and how they play and you feel a bit more comfortable. Introduce yourself to a dungeon monitor or the dungeon master/mistress and let them know it's your first time, in a lot of cases they will show you around and make introductions, which will make it a lot easier for you to meet people.

Don't be disappointed if on your first visit, or even first few visits, nothing happens and you're not partnered up with the domme of your dreams, you don't go into a pub or a bar and expect to find a life partner on the first or second visit.

Some things you have to remember is, that even in the highly unlikely case that somebody is trying to convince you to play with them, if you don't feel OK about it, you can always politely say "NO" and even if you have given your consent, you can withdraw it at any point in time and in case there is a problem, let a dungeon monitor know, that's what they are there for. And in case you are going with a friend or friends, they can keep an eye on you, just like you should keep an eye on them.

In case you play with somebody, make clear what your limits are and what you don't want to happen and don't rush into things!