It's one of my old pet peeves, really, this whole forced thing, if you desire something and especially in professional BDSM, there isn't anything really "forced" and that's great because otherwise it would simply be abuse. It's a popular theme in BDSM porn, but in BDSM porn the women are also often men hating freaks, which is quite different to somebody who has a loving relationship with a submissive!
You're requesting something and your fantasy is being forced to do it, it doesn't mean it's really forced!
I can understand that a submissive will want to do something for his or her dominant that they don't enjoy but they know the dominant enjoys, that's a different issue because it's not forced, it comes from the desire to serve.
There are so many myths surrounding BDSM and one of the biggest is that BDSM is all about hurting people and forcing them to do things they don't want to do...
Well, if that would be true, then why on earth would clients actually PAY for it? Why would everybody stress consensual so much? Why would there be safewords?
There is a huge difference between BDSM and abuse!
Playfully forcing somebody - in a consensual non-consensual way - is a lot of fun, I guess it's something we've all experienced, somebody screaming NO NO NO but meaning YES YES YES, hey fun, we all got the safe word in case it's not fun anymore and so the dominant partner knows when to stop without breaking the illusion of force, yes, it's a fantasy game that is really really hot!
One thing that irks me without end is the molly coddling of subs and telling them that oh it's OK and that they were really forced. What's that about? Are there some dominant women who are really so freaking insecure that they need to suck up to every guys fantasy just for a bit of approval?
A lot of the blogs strike me as people who only dream about BDSM and are terrified to offend somebody, yet trying to stylize themselves as some sort of online BDSM authorities without ever having had a BDSM relationship. I just don't really get the reason behind it, if you want to have a relationship, get out, meet people and check out if you have the right chemistry.
There is no right and wrong way to do BDSM (apart from safety aspects, but that's pretty much common sense), if the people involved are happy, that's it, what anybody else thinks about your relationship or if you are doing it right or wrong shouldn't matter. Heaven knows that my relationship would be far too vanilla for most people and it really doesn't bug me one bit, we're both quite happy with the way it goes, so some internet stranger thinking we're not doing it right - yeah, that's going to phase me about as much as the proverbial bike in China.
A lot of the information on the internet and in BDSM porn is really confusing, there is a lot of day dreaming and there are tons of fantasy stories about what BDSM is. Of course it's more exciting if you make it out it's some dark and scary place, it will add to the mood, but in a relationship it can't come from a dark and forbidden place because the essential thing that you need is trust.
In BDSM porn the bitchy, man-hating domme is a thing that keeps reoccurring, but that's a fantasy, a BDSM relationship can only work if there is a feeling of mutual trust.
One thing that really gets me about some so called "Femdom" blogs is that they seem so desperate, basically anything the sub wants is OK, and he has to be applauded and coddled and told how much it is his right, how wonderful that he opens up and demands those things... I often think "Woman, get a foster child if you don't have one of your own".
This whole turning the submissive into some spoiled little brat and essentially bending over backwards to try and keep the illusion that he found a dominant woman (who is going to serve him and reinforce his expectations) is about as ridiculous as the whole femdom porn fantasy of the always leather/latex clad domme who hates men and will force them. It tends to reek of desperation, heck I like men, submissive or kinky, I like them as MEN, not children who need guidance. In short I want a willing partner in crime, not somebody I have to cajole and convince, stroke his ego all the time and basically serve him while desperately pretending I am his dominant.
Unless you are having a strictly professional relationship and not a relationship with some BDSM elements, the fantasy warrior idea won't fly. Essentially you have a partner and HOW the power exchange takes place and WHEN is up to you. The dominant doesn't automatically turn into a parent substitute, of course there is always age play but that is only one spectrum of BDSM.
Let me repeat, BDSM is all about consent, that means that you can withdraw your consent at any time in case it makes you feel uncomfy or you feel you're pushed to far, dominants don't tend to be interested in turning you into mindless drones, most BDSM relationships are actually very LOVING relationships, just with a bit of kink thrown in, often with power exchange in various ways, sometimes with a bit of pain, but there is no law that says pain is essential to a BDSM relationship, a lot of people have relationships of every kind, also BDSM relationships without pain!
Showing posts with label consent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label consent. Show all posts
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Saturday, 1 December 2012
Meeting a Domme (munches, parties, online)
Guys, one of the complains I hear all the time and everywhere is how difficult it is to meet a domme, true, but you know sitting at home and complaining about it on message boards won't make it much easier, I know a lot of you are worried about being out but if you are going to a munch, unless you are a highly visible celeb or politician, it's really nothing you have to worry about.
Let me give you a few pointers and explain what to expect and check it out yourself:
BDSM Munch
What to expect from a BDSM Munch
A munch usually happens in a restaurant or a pub, in a quiet area, the people are NOT dressed up, so please don't show up in all your BDSM regalia because nobody would appreciate it. To the outside world, it will look no different than a bunch of people meeting who share the same hobby, unless somebody listens in closely, you will appear to everybody like a group of people who could as well talk about bowling, sailing (think of all the knots), a group of dog or cat owners, colleagues...
It's a very low key social gathering, informal, low key gathering where you just socialize and meet other people, there is no play involved, you just talk to others and get to know them. It's a good way to find out what's going on in the community, which parties are good and what happens where.
The dress code depends on the place where the munch is held, but usually quite casual, if you are concerned about privacy, use another name. The people at munches really respect privacy (they're all in the same boat as you are) and it's usually on a first name basis.
You find munches by simply googling, BDSM munch and your location.
Once you have been to a few munches, you might be invited to private parties or public parties, or people will tell you which BDSM clubs are in the area and what you should know about them.
In Europe a lot of those parties or clubs have strict dress codes, it doesn't mean you need to arrive in full regalia (which for a lot of people could be a problem), there will be dressing rooms available. There's no need to go all out and show up in a gimp suit, but it's nice if you make some kind of effort, a pair of black leather trousers and a black t-shirt would be a nice touch and shows that you're not just a peeping tom who wants to watch "the pervs".
It's a lot better if you go with some people you know from the munches or a friend, you won't feel like you're all alone in a strange environment, which can be quite intimidating. They can also introduce you to other people (always easier in a group - a single male on his own can easily be the gooseberry) and they can keep an eye on you, help you with the etiquette.
In general BDSM clubs have a very friendly atmosphere (there will be the odd creep, but that's bound to happen anywhere) and the key is just being respectful. Let me point out that they are NOT swinger clubs and going to a BDSM club and thinking a bunch of horny females would jump you and drag you off - it's not going to happen.
Approach the people respectfully (like you would do in any other kind of club), a good way to start a conversation is to compliment somebody on the outfit, the shoes, the toys and just have a conversation. Don't go into full sub frenzy and run to the next dominant and beg him or her to play with you (first of all it's not going to be received well, if you appear desperate, you're undesirable, 2nd it's not safe).
It might actually be a good idea to just go to a bunch of parties and watch and observe, until you feel more at home, you have an idea who the people are and how they play and you feel a bit more comfortable. Introduce yourself to a dungeon monitor or the dungeon master/mistress and let them know it's your first time, in a lot of cases they will show you around and make introductions, which will make it a lot easier for you to meet people.
Don't be disappointed if on your first visit, or even first few visits, nothing happens and you're not partnered up with the domme of your dreams, you don't go into a pub or a bar and expect to find a life partner on the first or second visit.
Some things you have to remember is, that even in the highly unlikely case that somebody is trying to convince you to play with them, if you don't feel OK about it, you can always politely say "NO" and even if you have given your consent, you can withdraw it at any point in time and in case there is a problem, let a dungeon monitor know, that's what they are there for. And in case you are going with a friend or friends, they can keep an eye on you, just like you should keep an eye on them.
In case you play with somebody, make clear what your limits are and what you don't want to happen and don't rush into things!
Let me give you a few pointers and explain what to expect and check it out yourself:
BDSM Munch
What to expect from a BDSM Munch
A munch usually happens in a restaurant or a pub, in a quiet area, the people are NOT dressed up, so please don't show up in all your BDSM regalia because nobody would appreciate it. To the outside world, it will look no different than a bunch of people meeting who share the same hobby, unless somebody listens in closely, you will appear to everybody like a group of people who could as well talk about bowling, sailing (think of all the knots), a group of dog or cat owners, colleagues...
It's a very low key social gathering, informal, low key gathering where you just socialize and meet other people, there is no play involved, you just talk to others and get to know them. It's a good way to find out what's going on in the community, which parties are good and what happens where.
The dress code depends on the place where the munch is held, but usually quite casual, if you are concerned about privacy, use another name. The people at munches really respect privacy (they're all in the same boat as you are) and it's usually on a first name basis.
You find munches by simply googling, BDSM munch and your location.
Once you have been to a few munches, you might be invited to private parties or public parties, or people will tell you which BDSM clubs are in the area and what you should know about them.
In Europe a lot of those parties or clubs have strict dress codes, it doesn't mean you need to arrive in full regalia (which for a lot of people could be a problem), there will be dressing rooms available. There's no need to go all out and show up in a gimp suit, but it's nice if you make some kind of effort, a pair of black leather trousers and a black t-shirt would be a nice touch and shows that you're not just a peeping tom who wants to watch "the pervs".
It's a lot better if you go with some people you know from the munches or a friend, you won't feel like you're all alone in a strange environment, which can be quite intimidating. They can also introduce you to other people (always easier in a group - a single male on his own can easily be the gooseberry) and they can keep an eye on you, help you with the etiquette.
In general BDSM clubs have a very friendly atmosphere (there will be the odd creep, but that's bound to happen anywhere) and the key is just being respectful. Let me point out that they are NOT swinger clubs and going to a BDSM club and thinking a bunch of horny females would jump you and drag you off - it's not going to happen.
Approach the people respectfully (like you would do in any other kind of club), a good way to start a conversation is to compliment somebody on the outfit, the shoes, the toys and just have a conversation. Don't go into full sub frenzy and run to the next dominant and beg him or her to play with you (first of all it's not going to be received well, if you appear desperate, you're undesirable, 2nd it's not safe).
It might actually be a good idea to just go to a bunch of parties and watch and observe, until you feel more at home, you have an idea who the people are and how they play and you feel a bit more comfortable. Introduce yourself to a dungeon monitor or the dungeon master/mistress and let them know it's your first time, in a lot of cases they will show you around and make introductions, which will make it a lot easier for you to meet people.
Don't be disappointed if on your first visit, or even first few visits, nothing happens and you're not partnered up with the domme of your dreams, you don't go into a pub or a bar and expect to find a life partner on the first or second visit.
Some things you have to remember is, that even in the highly unlikely case that somebody is trying to convince you to play with them, if you don't feel OK about it, you can always politely say "NO" and even if you have given your consent, you can withdraw it at any point in time and in case there is a problem, let a dungeon monitor know, that's what they are there for. And in case you are going with a friend or friends, they can keep an eye on you, just like you should keep an eye on them.
In case you play with somebody, make clear what your limits are and what you don't want to happen and don't rush into things!
Monday, 5 November 2012
Bdsm and Guilt...
I bet you all think it's about you guys sneaking out and seeing a domme, but nope, it isn't. Completely selfish post about yours truly and the whole female guilt when it comes to BDSM...
It's not a very popular issue because everybody has this opinion of how a domme should be and all that, her inner struggles and the guilt issue is a bit of a turn off, let's face it domination is in a lot of cases all about male fantasies, especially when it comes to professional domination.
I discovered it through a boyfriend, and you know despite a certain enthusiasm on his side, I still struggled with myself and thought I was a bit weird. To be honest, I wondered if I wasn't a complete psycho. I had those fantasies before and was always feeling really guilty, like I had done something really terrible and shameful. I was actually often wondering if I am alright, if there isn't something fundamentally wrong with me.
As crazy as it sounds, training as a professional domme helped me with that internal dilemma a lot, I mean you can give consent, or you can pay somebody to do something to you. That's actually the ultimate form of consent, and in a weird way, as much as you enjoy it, you are performing a service you have been paid for. It's almost like a papal absolution.
Of course the money was welcome too, as a student every bit of my fetish wardrobe meant going without something else or doing extra shifts on the weekend in the club where I worked, covering a few more stories that brought tears of boredom to my eyes for any paper or magazine who was willing to print it and pay... Not that I made much money when I started out, when you're in training you actually don't get paid, and for quite a while afterwards you're getting paid only a fraction of the session. It wasn't a "get rich quick" or "this is easy money" scheme, well, maybe for the domme who trained me and owned the dungeon, but on the other hand, I really learned how to clean and sterilize, I prefer to see it as an investment that paid out, even if sometimes I felt like spitting nails if I had to clean up yet another room and sterilize everything, but I was far too grateful to have found somebody who wasn't giving me the old BS that I need to submit first or work as a submissive before I could "progress".
Don't get me wrong, some excellent dommes are submissives in their private lives or have started out as submissives, it's just I'm not submissive and pretending something - don't think it would have worked for me at all.
As much as everybody likes to bitch about professional domination, I am pretty sure I am not the only one who found it a relief and who managed to get over the initial guilt issue and then could enjoy being dominant.
I'm not sure where it comes from, maybe because being a sadist and enjoying to dominate is so against the grain of everything we are taught and raised with? Especially for women. Being brought up very Catholic certainly didn't help, even though I consider myself now more of an agnostic than an atheist, a lot of it still sticks with you.
Additionally, I'd like to think I'm not a cruel person, I enjoy inflicting pain to somebody who enjoys taking pain from me, yes, but I am always worried where the line is and where it might be considered abuse. If I see an injured animal, I'll take it home (last year we had a blackbird with a broken wing living with us - we had to chase a healed Ms Blackie out in the end, she enjoyed the hotel life far too much, and her two canine body guards who kept the cats away), I'm always holding doors open, volunteer for some charities and all that. My sadism seems to go against the grain of just being a decent human being, or at least it seemed for a while.
So yes, one big hooray for professional domination, because otherwise I might have ended up frustrated, confused and scared of myself.
It's not a very popular issue because everybody has this opinion of how a domme should be and all that, her inner struggles and the guilt issue is a bit of a turn off, let's face it domination is in a lot of cases all about male fantasies, especially when it comes to professional domination.
I discovered it through a boyfriend, and you know despite a certain enthusiasm on his side, I still struggled with myself and thought I was a bit weird. To be honest, I wondered if I wasn't a complete psycho. I had those fantasies before and was always feeling really guilty, like I had done something really terrible and shameful. I was actually often wondering if I am alright, if there isn't something fundamentally wrong with me.
As crazy as it sounds, training as a professional domme helped me with that internal dilemma a lot, I mean you can give consent, or you can pay somebody to do something to you. That's actually the ultimate form of consent, and in a weird way, as much as you enjoy it, you are performing a service you have been paid for. It's almost like a papal absolution.
Of course the money was welcome too, as a student every bit of my fetish wardrobe meant going without something else or doing extra shifts on the weekend in the club where I worked, covering a few more stories that brought tears of boredom to my eyes for any paper or magazine who was willing to print it and pay... Not that I made much money when I started out, when you're in training you actually don't get paid, and for quite a while afterwards you're getting paid only a fraction of the session. It wasn't a "get rich quick" or "this is easy money" scheme, well, maybe for the domme who trained me and owned the dungeon, but on the other hand, I really learned how to clean and sterilize, I prefer to see it as an investment that paid out, even if sometimes I felt like spitting nails if I had to clean up yet another room and sterilize everything, but I was far too grateful to have found somebody who wasn't giving me the old BS that I need to submit first or work as a submissive before I could "progress".
Don't get me wrong, some excellent dommes are submissives in their private lives or have started out as submissives, it's just I'm not submissive and pretending something - don't think it would have worked for me at all.
As much as everybody likes to bitch about professional domination, I am pretty sure I am not the only one who found it a relief and who managed to get over the initial guilt issue and then could enjoy being dominant.
I'm not sure where it comes from, maybe because being a sadist and enjoying to dominate is so against the grain of everything we are taught and raised with? Especially for women. Being brought up very Catholic certainly didn't help, even though I consider myself now more of an agnostic than an atheist, a lot of it still sticks with you.
Additionally, I'd like to think I'm not a cruel person, I enjoy inflicting pain to somebody who enjoys taking pain from me, yes, but I am always worried where the line is and where it might be considered abuse. If I see an injured animal, I'll take it home (last year we had a blackbird with a broken wing living with us - we had to chase a healed Ms Blackie out in the end, she enjoyed the hotel life far too much, and her two canine body guards who kept the cats away), I'm always holding doors open, volunteer for some charities and all that. My sadism seems to go against the grain of just being a decent human being, or at least it seemed for a while.
So yes, one big hooray for professional domination, because otherwise I might have ended up frustrated, confused and scared of myself.
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