Guys, one of the complains I hear all the time and everywhere is how difficult it is to meet a domme, true, but you know sitting at home and complaining about it on message boards won't make it much easier, I know a lot of you are worried about being out but if you are going to a munch, unless you are a highly visible celeb or politician, it's really nothing you have to worry about.
Let me give you a few pointers and explain what to expect and check it out yourself:
BDSM Munch
What to expect from a BDSM Munch
A munch usually happens in a restaurant or a pub, in a quiet area, the people are NOT dressed up, so please don't show up in all your BDSM regalia because nobody would appreciate it. To the outside world, it will look no different than a bunch of people meeting who share the same hobby, unless somebody listens in closely, you will appear to everybody like a group of people who could as well talk about bowling, sailing (think of all the knots), a group of dog or cat owners, colleagues...
It's a very low key social gathering, informal, low key gathering where you just socialize and meet other people, there is no play involved, you just talk to others and get to know them. It's a good way to find out what's going on in the community, which parties are good and what happens where.
The dress code depends on the place where the munch is held, but usually quite casual, if you are concerned about privacy, use another name. The people at munches really respect privacy (they're all in the same boat as you are) and it's usually on a first name basis.
You find munches by simply googling, BDSM munch and your location.
Once you have been to a few munches, you might be invited to private parties or public parties, or people will tell you which BDSM clubs are in the area and what you should know about them.
In Europe a lot of those parties or clubs have strict dress codes, it doesn't mean you need to arrive in full regalia (which for a lot of people could be a problem), there will be dressing rooms available. There's no need to go all out and show up in a gimp suit, but it's nice if you make some kind of effort, a pair of black leather trousers and a black t-shirt would be a nice touch and shows that you're not just a peeping tom who wants to watch "the pervs".
It's a lot better if you go with some people you know from the munches or a friend, you won't feel like you're all alone in a strange environment, which can be quite intimidating. They can also introduce you to other people (always easier in a group - a single male on his own can easily be the gooseberry) and they can keep an eye on you, help you with the etiquette.
In general BDSM clubs have a very friendly atmosphere (there will be the odd creep, but that's bound to happen anywhere) and the key is just being respectful. Let me point out that they are NOT swinger clubs and going to a BDSM club and thinking a bunch of horny females would jump you and drag you off - it's not going to happen.
Approach the people respectfully (like you would do in any other kind of club), a good way to start a conversation is to compliment somebody on the outfit, the shoes, the toys and just have a conversation. Don't go into full sub frenzy and run to the next dominant and beg him or her to play with you (first of all it's not going to be received well, if you appear desperate, you're undesirable, 2nd it's not safe).
It might actually be a good idea to just go to a bunch of parties and watch and observe, until you feel more at home, you have an idea who the people are and how they play and you feel a bit more comfortable. Introduce yourself to a dungeon monitor or the dungeon master/mistress and let them know it's your first time, in a lot of cases they will show you around and make introductions, which will make it a lot easier for you to meet people.
Don't be disappointed if on your first visit, or even first few visits, nothing happens and you're not partnered up with the domme of your dreams, you don't go into a pub or a bar and expect to find a life partner on the first or second visit.
Some things you have to remember is, that even in the highly unlikely case that somebody is trying to convince you to play with them, if you don't feel OK about it, you can always politely say "NO" and even if you have given your consent, you can withdraw it at any point in time and in case there is a problem, let a dungeon monitor know, that's what they are there for. And in case you are going with a friend or friends, they can keep an eye on you, just like you should keep an eye on them.
In case you play with somebody, make clear what your limits are and what you don't want to happen and don't rush into things!
Showing posts with label meeting a domme. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meeting a domme. Show all posts
Saturday, 1 December 2012
Friday, 30 November 2012
Safety in BDSM (sub frenzy and meeting a domme)
Talking to a lot of people, I realized that often subs just don't really have a clue about what's acceptable or how it "should be", some of them run into dominants who also don't really have a clue.
Now first of all, just don't rely on the dominant always being in charge, in a scene - unless you get really scared - yes, but before the scene starts, make clear what your limits are. In short don't let your sex drive rule your thinking. BDSM is a game where everybody participates, that means as a submissive or slave, you also have responsibility, you are responsible for yourself and to a certain degree for your own safety.
I have little time and patience for subs (male or female) who think with the lower regions instead of their brain. Yeah, it's powerful, it's sexy, it can go to your head, absolutely, I wouldn't be into it if it wouldn't turn me on, but again, it is NOT a good enough excuse to stop thinking!
People go on a lot about SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual), to be honest, for me SSC just doesn't cut it, nothing we do is 100% safe, if it is sane - well, debatable, for some people being beaten or beating somebody else is everything but sane, consensual - yes, that is non-negotiable!
In short, I much prefer RACK and it seems to be much more descriptive (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and accurate, what we do has risks, it's our business (and by that I mean the submissive and the dominant) to be aware of those risks and consensually engage in those kinks. So subbies, there really is no excuse for you to not ask questions and educate yourself (just as much as the dominant should) because that falls under the umbrella of consensual for me.
You do know that very often the bottom (or sub in that case) breaches the consensuality rule? Surprised? You shouldn't be, if the dominant doesn't have the full knowledge and you haven't fully disclosed potential or actual medical problems, how can the dom/me truly and consensually take a risk, especially one he or she isn't aware of.
I know there is the victim mentality and people like to scream abuse, I don't deny that there is a lot of abuse in BDSM (just like there is in vanilla relationships), but remember, you can walk away at any time, you can say STOP at any time, and if you feel you are in danger or the top isn't in control or doesn't know what he or she is doing, that is EXACTLY what you should do. Some of you might be afraid to lose their dominant, tell you what, wouldn't you rather lose a dominant than a limb or end up with some serious injuries? When it comes down to it, your life and health should be a lot more important than a few moments of submissive bliss.
Personally, I'm afraid of sub frenzy, so afraid that I tend to not do any casual play anymore. So far it hasn't happen to me but I also don't want it to happen to me. Let me give you an example, you're at a club and there is also a play area, naturally there will be more guys than women, the guys see kinky things, they see women in sexy BDSM outfits, THEY WANT A PIECE OF ACTION! All of a sudden it seems all their fantasies have come true, they'll approach anybody to get some BDSM action. It happens to women too, to be honest the worst ones to develop sub frenzy are women between 30 and 50 who discover BDSM for the first time, common sense often goes out of the window.
So, you're in a club and you see subs begging tops to play with them, pretty often they don't really know what they want, they want almost any BDSM action, they won't talk about phobias and problems, they don't mention limits... Yes of course the top or dominant should ask, but again, also the responsibility of the sub to mention it, remember, it's a game for adults, so be a freaking adult! At one club there was a massive scandal and uproar, one guy freaked out completely, he forgot to mention that he's got claustrophobia and tends to freak out when being tied up. Hey, that's really smart isn't it? You know somebody who'd ask me to whip them and lets me tie him up and then screams bloody murder and abuse - I would expect that the person tells me about those problems, I am not a mind reader and it's not the most common problem, also not one you should expect. The nature of the beast is simply, that when it comes to public play the dungeon monitors have to react and they see somebody in panic, they think the top is responsible. In general everybody takes the side of the "poor subbie".
After seeing situations like that (not too often but to be honest, just the rare occasion is enough), I came to the conclusion that unless I do know you, and I know you're a responsible adult, I won't run the risk to be branded the villain or abuser, because we consensually entered a scene and you didn't know your limits, or decided to not tell me your limits, or you just "forgot" to tell me.
Also a sub, don't just play with anybody, you know it's your skin that's on the line, make sure the person knows what he/she is doing, watch them for a while, talk to them. You might be gagging for a scene, but seriously, you do want to get an impression of the person who's going to top you. A short talk can't really rule out all doubts and make something safe, but it can make it safer, if they appear to have had drinks and are under the influence of booze or anything else - give it a miss. Ask them how long they have been playing and ask a few things about their equipment. Of course you don't want to appear like an officer who's cross-examining them, but you can have a respectful discussion about their toys, like admire the whip and ask how long they had it, act a bit stupid and ask if it's difficult to care for whips, pretend to be ignorant and say "Leather is great, you just have to clean it with a wet cloth!" In case they agree with you enthusiastically, you don't play with that person, because he or she knows fuck all about hygiene standards, and do you really want to be whipped (where there is ALWAYS the danger of skin being broken) with a whip somebody else just has been whipped?
Play with somebody who has several crops, riding crops are relatively cheap (equestrian stores - end of lines, you get a lot of crop for your buck, about 3 times as many as you get in a BDSM supply store, if you don't have an equestrian store nearby, go online) easy to transport, easy to clean (if the disinfectant ruins them, it's a few bucks) they can't do as much damage as a whip.
A really good and smart thing would be to bring your own crop(s), in the UK you can get a good riding crop for as little as £3 (that's about $5 - even cheaper if you buy in bulk) if you buy end of lines. It's a good way to start a conversation with a dominant you like, especially if you give her or him a present of a crop (most dominants are toy whores anyway) and it's a lot cheaper than buying them a drink, which is possibly what most of the other subs are trying to do.
You do stand out a bit from the crowd, you make a good first impression, if she decides to play with you, you brought your own equipment (which didn't cost a lot) and you don't have to worry how many other people were beaten with that crop without it being properly cleaned...
Actually, there is a lot more to be said about safety and meeting dominants, so be prepared for occasional updates on the subject...
Now first of all, just don't rely on the dominant always being in charge, in a scene - unless you get really scared - yes, but before the scene starts, make clear what your limits are. In short don't let your sex drive rule your thinking. BDSM is a game where everybody participates, that means as a submissive or slave, you also have responsibility, you are responsible for yourself and to a certain degree for your own safety.
I have little time and patience for subs (male or female) who think with the lower regions instead of their brain. Yeah, it's powerful, it's sexy, it can go to your head, absolutely, I wouldn't be into it if it wouldn't turn me on, but again, it is NOT a good enough excuse to stop thinking!
People go on a lot about SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual), to be honest, for me SSC just doesn't cut it, nothing we do is 100% safe, if it is sane - well, debatable, for some people being beaten or beating somebody else is everything but sane, consensual - yes, that is non-negotiable!
In short, I much prefer RACK and it seems to be much more descriptive (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and accurate, what we do has risks, it's our business (and by that I mean the submissive and the dominant) to be aware of those risks and consensually engage in those kinks. So subbies, there really is no excuse for you to not ask questions and educate yourself (just as much as the dominant should) because that falls under the umbrella of consensual for me.
You do know that very often the bottom (or sub in that case) breaches the consensuality rule? Surprised? You shouldn't be, if the dominant doesn't have the full knowledge and you haven't fully disclosed potential or actual medical problems, how can the dom/me truly and consensually take a risk, especially one he or she isn't aware of.
I know there is the victim mentality and people like to scream abuse, I don't deny that there is a lot of abuse in BDSM (just like there is in vanilla relationships), but remember, you can walk away at any time, you can say STOP at any time, and if you feel you are in danger or the top isn't in control or doesn't know what he or she is doing, that is EXACTLY what you should do. Some of you might be afraid to lose their dominant, tell you what, wouldn't you rather lose a dominant than a limb or end up with some serious injuries? When it comes down to it, your life and health should be a lot more important than a few moments of submissive bliss.
Personally, I'm afraid of sub frenzy, so afraid that I tend to not do any casual play anymore. So far it hasn't happen to me but I also don't want it to happen to me. Let me give you an example, you're at a club and there is also a play area, naturally there will be more guys than women, the guys see kinky things, they see women in sexy BDSM outfits, THEY WANT A PIECE OF ACTION! All of a sudden it seems all their fantasies have come true, they'll approach anybody to get some BDSM action. It happens to women too, to be honest the worst ones to develop sub frenzy are women between 30 and 50 who discover BDSM for the first time, common sense often goes out of the window.
So, you're in a club and you see subs begging tops to play with them, pretty often they don't really know what they want, they want almost any BDSM action, they won't talk about phobias and problems, they don't mention limits... Yes of course the top or dominant should ask, but again, also the responsibility of the sub to mention it, remember, it's a game for adults, so be a freaking adult! At one club there was a massive scandal and uproar, one guy freaked out completely, he forgot to mention that he's got claustrophobia and tends to freak out when being tied up. Hey, that's really smart isn't it? You know somebody who'd ask me to whip them and lets me tie him up and then screams bloody murder and abuse - I would expect that the person tells me about those problems, I am not a mind reader and it's not the most common problem, also not one you should expect. The nature of the beast is simply, that when it comes to public play the dungeon monitors have to react and they see somebody in panic, they think the top is responsible. In general everybody takes the side of the "poor subbie".
After seeing situations like that (not too often but to be honest, just the rare occasion is enough), I came to the conclusion that unless I do know you, and I know you're a responsible adult, I won't run the risk to be branded the villain or abuser, because we consensually entered a scene and you didn't know your limits, or decided to not tell me your limits, or you just "forgot" to tell me.
Also a sub, don't just play with anybody, you know it's your skin that's on the line, make sure the person knows what he/she is doing, watch them for a while, talk to them. You might be gagging for a scene, but seriously, you do want to get an impression of the person who's going to top you. A short talk can't really rule out all doubts and make something safe, but it can make it safer, if they appear to have had drinks and are under the influence of booze or anything else - give it a miss. Ask them how long they have been playing and ask a few things about their equipment. Of course you don't want to appear like an officer who's cross-examining them, but you can have a respectful discussion about their toys, like admire the whip and ask how long they had it, act a bit stupid and ask if it's difficult to care for whips, pretend to be ignorant and say "Leather is great, you just have to clean it with a wet cloth!" In case they agree with you enthusiastically, you don't play with that person, because he or she knows fuck all about hygiene standards, and do you really want to be whipped (where there is ALWAYS the danger of skin being broken) with a whip somebody else just has been whipped?
Play with somebody who has several crops, riding crops are relatively cheap (equestrian stores - end of lines, you get a lot of crop for your buck, about 3 times as many as you get in a BDSM supply store, if you don't have an equestrian store nearby, go online) easy to transport, easy to clean (if the disinfectant ruins them, it's a few bucks) they can't do as much damage as a whip.
A really good and smart thing would be to bring your own crop(s), in the UK you can get a good riding crop for as little as £3 (that's about $5 - even cheaper if you buy in bulk) if you buy end of lines. It's a good way to start a conversation with a dominant you like, especially if you give her or him a present of a crop (most dominants are toy whores anyway) and it's a lot cheaper than buying them a drink, which is possibly what most of the other subs are trying to do.
You do stand out a bit from the crowd, you make a good first impression, if she decides to play with you, you brought your own equipment (which didn't cost a lot) and you don't have to worry how many other people were beaten with that crop without it being properly cleaned...
Actually, there is a lot more to be said about safety and meeting dominants, so be prepared for occasional updates on the subject...
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