Bit of silence...

Not being fed up with blogging and all that, but one of my pets is sick, we manage to keep him pain free and content for a while with medication, but eventually that won't work anymore, it's a matter of days, maybe 1 to 2 weeks before we have to take the last trip to the vet.

So I'm just not feeling very kinky and for most guys out there a dominant women with actual feelings is a turn off, which could almost be a rant about stereotypes and how we are pushed into neat little boxes...

So in case any of you feels let down because I'm really gutted about having to say goodbye to a companion of several years, feel free to eff off.

We’re not a sub species…

We’re not a sub species…

I broached that before http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/dommes-escorts-and-everything-in-between.html and I possibly shouldn’t harp on about it, but I made the mistake of looking at MF again and reading some old posts…

Guys, I don’t care what you are into, if you like going to a strip club, seeing Dommes, maybe seeing escorts, I honestly don’t care, as long as the women don’t mind what they’re doing, I’m for one don’t mind their choice of work. I don’t believe in female superiority (unless it’s for a really hot role play), I believe in equality, I believe in freedom of choice in every way of life, that includes not dictating women what they can do with their bodies, and if a woman doesn’t mind being a porn star, an escort, a stripper, an adult model, a domme, then why on earth should I mind?

What I do mind, and I fucking mind it  A LOT, is the attitude most people have when it comes to women in the adult industry, the “We’re not a sub species” isn’t a line I came up with, somebody said it and I can’t get it out of my head, maybe because it resonates so well?

Look, whenever you purchase a service from anybody in the adult industry, no matter what, remember you’re still dealing with a human being, a woman, somebody’s daughter, sister, possibly mother – so how would you like some stranger treating your relative? Treat her the same way, I don’t care what service she is selling, she still deserves some human decency. If you think she doesn’t deserve it because you pay, then think about it this way: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS TO PAY! Maybe you should be damned better be grateful that they are out there, because your money can’t get your dick as hard as the woman can. So just show her some decency and respect! She's not a disposable item!

You know, no matter what we do in the adult industry, we're going through enough shit as it is, with clients falling in love or mad stalkers there are tons of other things, just go through the blog, maybe I should order it by themes. It would be kind of nice to be also recognized as human beings, not just a disposable item.  

End of soap box rant!

New to BDSM

New to this

Yeah, we’ve all started somewhere and having those desires and realizing that they possibly won’t go away, that you really want to find out about it all, see if it is for you or if it isn’t seems like a good idea. A lot better than being unhappy and wishing for something but not doing anything to make it come true…

Now of course there are several hurdles, when it comes to life-style play and you just want to try things out, it’s a bit difficult to find a Domme who’ll just indulge you and do all of this just so you can figure out if you do or don’t want it, can’t blame them, you’d possibly react the same way.

Then it’s a question of supply and demand, there is a much much greater supply of submissives than there are of Dommes, luck is just not on your side, unless of course you got movie star looks, then you might be a bit luckier, better get rid of that paunch then ASAP ;)

There are a 101 reasons why you might have trouble finding a life-style Mistress, now if you are in a relationship or you don’t have all that much time you can devote to going to munches, or you simply don’t want to wait months and years until you find somebody who is willing to play with you, it might just make sense to go and see a pro Domme as long as you keep a few things in mind:

-       Be honest, tell her that you’re not experienced  (if you don’t believe me that it’s important, check for Mr Bullwhip)

-       Communicate, let her know what you are interested in, I know it’s difficult but what are you fantasizing about? Yep, that’s an interest. Something you absolutely don’t want to happen (say crossdressing really turns you off, or other men) that would be a hard limit – simple, isn’t it?

-       Don’t get fooled by pictures, make sure you have a bit of chemistry, can you talk to her when you call her up? Good! Of course you should find her attractive, that is important, but she doesn’t need to be your dream woman, you aren’t going to marry her!

-       No matter how good the session is, do not fall in love, do not get in head over heels, you booked a service, of course you should enjoy it but it’s not a date, she’s not your girlfriend. Do us a favour and read THIS

With permission from Ms Maya Midnight, here is a great essay about how to book a session, with all the pointers a newbie or a more seasoned player might need: Newbie Guide To Seeing Pro Dommes

Listen guys, as long as you keep a clear head, you communicate well and you do your research, not a lot can go wrong!

Exclusivity and Honesty…

I broached the subject before but it came up on MF again, even if it was in a slightly different context…

Let’s just assume that a guy keeps telling his Domme that he is exclusive to her and keeps on boring her out of her latex clothes by telling her how utterly devoted he is to her and that he would never ever see somebody else, she’s the only one, blah blah… (I know what you think, BS as usual).

Guy then uses “one and only Domme” as a reference when he is trying to see another Domme , of course he doesn’t tell his Domme (yeah, you know the “one and only one”) about that, and so she finds out that he’s a liar and used her name… To top it all off he even used a different name and then freaked out because she didn’t remember (yeah, if you want a reference as Joe and she only knows you as Mike….).

Result, she kicks him to the curb, other Domme also refuses to see him, dumped client first tries to pretend, both had a fight over him, because he’s so wonderful and gets blasted by both Dommes, who have no beef with each other but both don’t really fancy seeing a liar.

Mr. Dumped who decided to quit the scene, like FOREVER (drama llama alert), comes back the next day and complains loudly that he needs to find another Domme, and how tragic it is that his old Domme is losing income and a regular customer (yes, he’s talking about HIMSELF).

Am I the only one who finds it funny that he pretends to be worried about the income of somebody who doesn’t want him as a client?

Is anybody really surprised that said guy is now bugging both Dommes so much that they feel stalked?

I have my own views on exclusivity in a professional relationship, as long as you are happy with it, fine, but we aren’t married, I’m not going to stop seeing other guys for sessions, it’s your money, so it would be kinda hypocritical to expect you to not ever look at another Domme. I mean, if the sessions are great and you’re enjoying them, chances are that you don’t want to see another Domme. I’m not against it, but I see this whole exclusivity thing as a dangerous sword. Because BDSM is pretty intense and a lot of you guys go to pro Dommes because you have no other outlet, it’s condensed and pretty heady stuff. Like having a glass of wine after a long period of abstinence, it’s going to your head and it might cloud your vision.

Often enough you guys get a bit too attached and we have to disentangle, since nobody wants to have “the talk” (chances are you feel rejected and your feelings are hurt that I don’t want you for myself exclusively), I’ll be a sneaky bitch and claim that I won’t have time but there’s this marvellous other Domme and you should really see her…

Basically what you’ll realize is that we might have great chemistry, but yeah, there are other Dommes out there, that we’re not doing something magical, but that you are getting your kinks met (and hopefully I’ll have some fun – well I better do because otherwise I won’t be seeing you again, buster).

You know, I also really enjoy hearing about experiences you had with other Dommes, how you reacted and all that, it might inspire me to try something new. Or there is the chance that you really want to try something that I’m simply not into and if I’m not into it, I just won’t do it, so why shouldn’t you have that experience with somebody else?

What you shouldn’t do is lie to me about it, pretend you don’t want to see anybody else and then through the grapevine I hear who you have seen, where and when. You know what, tell me and I’ll actually might set up the date for you and I can guarantee you, a referral from another Domme WORKS, like a charm.

It’s actually in my own interest if I recommend you to somebody and it’s a great experience for you, helps you to trust me a bit more, so our sessions get better, you come back “fresh”, imagine I recommend somebody who I know you don’t like and you have a horrible session – what is going to happen is you don’t want to session for a while and you have a bad feeling about sessions in general, so I have to work much harder…

I know, I know, I am beating that old horse to death, but guys, a bit of honesty never harmed anybody…

And for exclusivity – you’re possibly married and your wife doesn’t know that you see me, not my business to judge, it’s YOUR relationship, but you’re sneaking around her – do you really need a Domme who wants you to swear fidelity to her?

Mishaps...

Things have been a bit busy around here and then I managed to spill a cup of coffee over my MacBook, it's in the laptop heaven now...

I spare you the bitching about the prices of Apple, though somebody might point out that a bit of insulation would be an idea.

Enough of that, I'll get back to it, I'll just have to make up for the work that wasn't completely backed up... Ewwww

Aftercare

So you are having a session and you are flying high on endorphins, pretty much like you have taken some drugs, actually endorphins are exactly that, drugs your body naturally produces. Similar to a runner’s high, I’m addicted to it, not the running, I’m a bit too busty for that, but inline skating, swimming, all that. Best feeling in the world. I once went for about 45 miles on inline skates, first to work out some frustrations from a (vanilla) job, but after about 20 miles and going through the pain barrier, I felt like I was flying and could go to the end of the world… Well the end of the world were the stairs to my flat at that time, the moment I stopped moving and sat down, I just couldn’t get up anymore, muscles locked and I crawled upstairs on all 4s, went into the bath tub and had a hard time getting out again… Luckily it was a Friday, but I think that was one weekend I seemed to have slept through completely… Oh and the pain in my legs on Monday, woahhhh….

Anyway, the endorphins released during BDSM play are similar to those released during sports, but your mental state is a bit different, you usually recover really well from a runner’s high without anything else. With BDSM it’s not just endorphins but also a lot of adrenaline, you’ve been flying high and the sensations stop, for some people that’s not a big deal, others get a sub-drop (btw there is also such a thing as top drop and it’s pretty grim) when they’re coming down to reality. OK, it’s only a chemical reaction but while you’re in the middle of it, it can feel pretty intense up to the point of feeling abandoned, depressive, not really in touch with yourself and the world.

OK, some of you don’t experience it, so just skip it, some people are in relationships and they get all the aftercare they need, if it’s not a problem, skip it.

Aftercare is mainly a problem for people who play casually or for clients at commercial dungeons.  It is pretty difficult to get proper after care after a commercial session. Now before anybody thinks this is against pro dommes, it’s not. Let me tell you a few facts:

-       If she’s an independent, chances are that she rents from somewhere, in case she is in the room longer than she booked it, they are going to charge her more, or in the worst case scenario they have already rented out the room for the next session – if the next session can’t happen, the dungeon owner will be unhappy, the other domme will be unhappy, her client will be unhappy – guess who they are going to take it out on? The domme you sessioned with! Guess who’s going to cover the costs? Exactly, the domme you sessioned with…

-       If she works in a house, if she doesn’t vacate the room in time, same thing, she could even lose her job over this.

I know aftercare is important but what does happen is, that usually people want to session around the same time, lunch break, after work, after dinner, basically whenever guys have an excuse to get away. Rents are quite high, now the rent for just a room is usually between 1/3^rd and half of the session price, dommes depend on taking the sessions within the time frame they have… They need to survive as well and pay their rents…

One of the things you should do is make sure that you are alright, even if your pro domme is not able to give you the aftercare. It’s easy to get on a high horse and demand that the domme gives you aftercare, but bear in mind you are having a professional relationship, you are paying her for the session, she’s not your life coach or your shrink.

So when you had a professional session and after you had the session you feel a bit disorientated, you are sad to the point of being depressed and close to tears, chances are that you are having sub drop, it’s a chemical reaction, being aware of it can help A LOT, just remember that it will pass, but you need to give yourself some time. In case you are prone to sub drop, give yourself some time after the session, take a walk, stop in a coffee shop and have a hot drink, maybe a light snack. Pamper yourself.

Try not to drive immediately after your sessions if you’re feeling low. Have a little ritual that helps you, make sure you clean yourself up, grab a drink – a non-alcoholic one would be good, water is excellent. Chances are you sweated a bit, you need to rehydrate, have a little walk.

A hot drink like a hot tea or chocolate will make you feel more comfortable, your favourite fruit, a small snack. It would help if you have comfortable clothes you can change into, have a hot bath, curl up with a good book.

Of course TLC is the best aftercare, one of the reasons why dommes often hug you when they are saying goodbye, it helps you to get you back to real life, gives you the “human touch” that will sustain you a bit. Remember we are not mind readers, we do not really know how you are going to react after a session.

In case you are having THE DROP, you need to be aware of it, you need to make allowances for it, if you know it’s going to happen and you are mentally prepared for it, it will hit you a lot less hard. Do whatever you need to do to feel good, breathing exercises are especially good, music, whatever works for you. Sub drop can cause your body a lot of stress, it’s not the first time that you experience stress, so you know what usually works for you. An idea might be to simply book a quick head massage – usually not too expensive in most cities – a while after your session and just enjoy being touched and relaxed.

In case you are having medical issues like diabetes, monitor your glucose levels closely and make allowances for that after your session. If you are feeling confused or not yourself DO NOT DRIVE.

We’re all adults, most of us have had the blues before, we’ve dealt with depressions and know what usually works for us, so just being prepared and having a few simple feel good rituals will usually work. In case you know your session will be more intense, you need to give yourself more time.

It would be a good idea to let the domme know and maybe arrange a time when she is not busy and can give you more aftercare, maybe be the last session of the day and then go for a drink together, so you’re still in her company and she can help you to come down….

BDSM and Diabetics

BDSM and Health….

A couple of things, some of them shouldn’t be needed to say and a couple of you will possibly be bored to death, to be honest I don’t care. And this is NOT medical advise, talk to your doctor about that, this is some stuff that you should be aware of and consult your doctor about!

Most people know that heart problems and electricity is just NOT A GOOD IDEA, so in case you have any health concerns, do tell your domme by all means. As a rule of thumb, you shouldn’t do electricity above the waist anyway and NEVER EVER cross the chest. What most people don’t know is that with electrical play diabetes is also a risk factor.

One of the biggest problems with electrical play is your own body, something that is usually harmless can change a lot depending on your condition. Our whole body runs on electrical impulses, they are actually minimal but your nerves and everything. So the content of electrolytes in your body changes all the time, you might be a bit tired, sweaty, hungry or thirsty, or you are dehydrated but you haven’t noticed it. The resistance of your skin and body drops dramatically, so something that was harmless can change and become something dangerous.

Tens units are fine, they are constructed with human safety in mind, so in case you are interested in electric play, a good excuse (in case you don’t want to come out) is asking your doctor if it would be alright to use a tens unit for back pain. Almost everybody has problems with the back, so it’s a convenient excuse. Most of the erotic electric toys are designed with the same safety parameters, so as long as you have no heart issues and you keep it under the waist, you should be fine. Don’t rely on the dominant and don’t keep information from her/him. Your health is also your responsibility!

Please do tell a dominant about all the medication you take and any health problems you might have. I’m fairly up to date with medical stuff, but trust me it’s still quite a bit of a shock when somebody faints or gets dizzy because they have a drop in blood sugar and happen to be diabetic.

Depending on your type of diabetes, it can influence your electrolyte level and make electrical play seriously dangerous.

In case you have diabetes, make sure that the dominant knows about it and bring fruit juices with you to the session, glucose gel or tablets should be handy. The dominant can only react if he or she knows what is going on, and it’s also easier to pay close attention to a possible problem if you are aware that it does exist!

Diabetics tend to bruise easier, keep that in mind when you are having CP and for heaven’s sake, don’t do inverted suspension, you are getting extreme blood pressure in the eyes and blood vessels can bust.

As a diabetic it is quite common to have circulation problems, so that is something that has to be taken into consideration when doing bondage. Again, the dominant knowing about it can pay attention to cold limbs or will know what to do when you lose feeling in your limbs.

Diabetics often experience less sensation during impact play, that can lead to damages you want to avoid, so talk about it before so we can adjust to it and give you a session with all the pain you crave but without causing damage to you! Since you have prolonged healing time, we do have to be a lot more careful with all kinds of bruisings.

PLEASE remember that it’s your health and do not hesitate to inform your play partner about all those concerns. Chances are if you are living with the condition you know more about it than your dominant, it is your responsibility to share that information and no dominant worth his or her salt will discount it or miss the chance to learn about it. In case you run into somebody who’s not interested or doesn’t listen, don’t walk RUN!

Part of the diabetes problem is often erectile dysfunction, again, worth mentioning to your dominant, especially if you take Viagra to overcome the ED as it raises your blood pressure. Now I’m not a friend of poppers (amyl) but some people do use it, the mix of Viagra and poppers is something that is bound to land you in the ER – if you’re lucky. If you happen to be unlucky, it’s the morgue!

Additionally Viagra raises your blood pressure (duh yeah) so it’s something your domme should know. And nope, we aren’t going to laugh at you, we just need to know to make sure that we are prepared and we recognize the signs and that you walk out of the dungeon as healthy as you walked in, you want to walk out sore, but not ill or disabled!

One thing that I would like to tell every diabetic, is do not rely on the cleaning methods of a dungeon, if possible, have your own toys and bring them with you. An infection for you is much more dangerous than for somebody who doesn’t have those issues.

Blood sugar levels influence the mood of even the healthiest person, as a diabetic you are much more prone to those mood changes, so a sub drop might affect you much more than a healthy person, know about it and communicate it to the dominant, you might need more aftercare and that sugary drink can make all the difference for you!

Know about your condition and research it, don’t just rely on what the doctor tells you, research as much as possible and share your knowledge with your dominant. This is a good starting point:

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diabetes/index.shtml

This is not a comprehensive list and I do not mean this as one or even as medical advise, all this blog entries are meant to do is to raise your awareness, I’m not your minder or keeper and I’m not dishing out medical advise, I’m just trying to make you aware of your own health and your own responsibility!