BDSM and PTSD (from a femsub's POV)

After Phil's article about Depression and BDSM I talked to a female online friend I've been talking to for a while, she mentioned PTSD a few times and certain triggers and how she's able to live with it, but it wasn't easy. I asked her if she would feel comfortable writing about it, because a lot of people in BDSM seem to suffer from PTSD. 

ShiftyW (the author), is a female submissive and after talking for a while, her story can possibly help a bunch of people suffering from a similar condition.

Like depression, PTSD is something that can happen to just about anybody, there's nothing shameful about, as ShiftyW says, it has to be considered as seriously as a back problem or any other health problem.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2010. It was a result of a date rape that happened in 2006. 

In 2006 I was a college freshmen, who had moved to Philadelphia from a small rural New England town.

I was a virgin.

I was dating someone who I considered myself close with.

I knew I was into kink years before this, but wasn't really ready to explore that, or even ready to have sex. But my date didn't listen when I said no, and overpowered me.

I lived in the same dorm as him for a year, and he would constantly intimidate me into not telling anyone.

I went to the clinic alone to get tested for STD's and pregnancy, which both came back negative, thankfully.

He ended up flunking out of school and I haven't seen him since freshmen year. But the damage had been done.

The next three years became a spiral of worsening symptoms of PTSD. At one point I wouldn't sleep through the night because I was constantly checking locks and looking behind doors in our apartment for someone hiding, all night long. I became promiscuous. I would go through bouts of depression and shame that would basically cripple my emotional capacity for days. I would obsessively get tested for HIV- even if I hadn't had a new partner for months, I was at the clinic every three weeks.

I dated jerks. I had no self worth or self esteem. I constantly had intrusive obsessive thoughts about what I would do if I were kidnapped or raped, with a lot of "scenario running". I was fiercely secretive about all this.

The worst symptom was being afraid to say no. I had some pretty faulty logic going on that basically was "If I don't say no, no one can rape me or abuse my consent again".

At this point, I was more into kink, and it was a problem. I didn't really know how to set limits, and doing so made me wildly insecure. Being a bottom, I took a lot of pride in pleasing my partners- the feelings of inadequacy and the fear of not being able to say no to something I really did not want to do made my sex life, and my interest in kink, pretty treacherous. I ended up in some dangerous situations, that I am fortunate to come out of relatively safely.

I got help after a particularly shameful and scary one night stand.

In therapy I learned how important respecting my own mental illness and limits really was. It’s a hard lesson, honestly. I think bottom types have a hard time feeling that they are not all they want to be for their counterparts. I felt this pretty strongly.

Because my rapist had only valued me for sex, it had a strong effect on my own view of my self worth, and I felt that if I couldn't do more extreme kink things that I really wasn't any good in the sack and I should just get over it, because it was really the only reason someone would want me anyways. I had to change my thinking. I've since realized that the way to the best relationships is a mutual respect of each others limitations, and finding someone whose limits align with mine. If they don't, unfortunately, that person may not be for me. 
If "rape play" is really important to a top and it is a requirement for them, no matter how attracted to him I am, I really need to assess if I actually want to be involved with someone who values that type of play over my mental well being.

Secondly - limits are limiting. 
I have to understand if a top chooses to reject me because I'm not what they are looking for.

Initially- I had a really hard time with rejection, because I felt inadequate and as if all I was good at, wasn't good enough. I had to learn that I'm just not compatible with some people, and that's OK.

It’s OK to not be into medical play or knife play. I also had to learn to reject people myself.

Saying no to someone's advances was really hard and scary. Sometimes, people get really mad when they are rejected, and I was pretty fearful of that anger. With my therapist we practiced ways of saying no, which I realize sounds kind of silly, but it was absolutely necessary for me. I had a really hard time, and still have a hard time with it. It makes me nervous that someone won't respect it, and violate my consent again, but I'm a much happier person when I'm doing things that won't trigger me, or send me into a depression.

I also had to give up a few kinks I was really interested in. Public play and even some educational events are really off the table for me. Even if I have a strong exhibitionist streak in me, those situations make me too anxious and hyper vigilant to really enjoy myself.

Perhaps someday I can return to those things, but for now, I feel that they would overwhelm me and frighten me. Other things I will only do with folks whom I love and trust, and it usually takes a while for me to get to that point with someone. TPE was something I was interested in, but after having a terrible experience with it before, it is not something I feel capable of, I clearly have some issues with control, and I feel it isn't something that sets myself or my partner up for success. However, I'm willing to discuss it if someone right came along.

I take precautions now, that I feel anyone with a mental illness should consider taking. I treat my mental illness as seriously as I do a physical one. I make sure who I am with is aware of my condition, and signs that it bothering me. I also make sure that if I disassociate, the person I'm playing with knows full and well the signs of this and to stop, even if I don't safeword. 

I use safewords, without shame, if I end up in a dangerous headspace. If a top doesn't believe in safewords, or gives me a lot of grief about not "really being in physical danger"- I don't play with them.

I make sure my partners know about the possibility of me getting triggered, and what that looks like. I negotiate my limits really thoroughly so that someone is made aware of what is more likely to set me off.

I have of course, been told by doing this I am trying to "top from the bottom"- but I don't view putting my own mental safety first as "topping from the bottom"- me explaining my limits and PTSD is an effort to make BOTH of us feel good at the end of it, and protect myself from further trauma, if someone views me saying "Medical play and needles are a hard limit, full stop" as topping from the bottom, they are probably not someone I should play with.

Advocating and making aware your partners is the most important thing I thinks someone who suffers with mental illness can do.

I have found an excellent partner. We have been together for nearly 4 years. Our interests align and he is wildly supportive. I realized that he was someone who valued me beyond my sexuality or kink. He has come to therapy appointments with me. He knows if I'm getting triggered even before I do. He knows to anchor me down in the present and bring me out of the panic or disassociation. He constantly has my PTSD in consideration when topping me. Learning to adapt my kink and advocate for myself, through therapy, played a huge role in finding the right person. Sometimes it’s still a pain. Sometimes I can take all the precautions and I'll still get triggered.

I just have to respect the power of my own illness, and consider it as seriously as I would a back problem.

You're still thinking about it?

Oh right, yes, you think you will become the rising star and your life will be easy because there are subbies who do all the menial tasks for you. Get real! First of all, chances are that you are going to work in a dungeon to learn the ropes, most dungeons don't like to have non-paying slaves hanging around, it's bad for business and it also does create some friction, then there is the issue of space....

95% of those slaves don't do it because they are truly service oriented subs or slaves, stop kidding yourself, they do it because they want something out of it, it has little to do with your charming personality. Oh and please, no, you are not a born domme, you weren't born wielding whips, you got to learn the skills like everybody else. Your natural dominance is fine, but switch it off if somebody is trying to teach you something, the guys who'll see you and pay for it, they are paying for a service (you can turn it any way you like it, that's what it is), so you better be skilled and able to act, because while they want what they want, they also expect you to act as if that was exactly what you've been dreaming about all day long...


Sorry guys, I warned you yesterday, you don't want to read this, but the bitter truth is that not everybody enjoys every session. To let you into an even bigger secret, I am a sadist, I really am, but there were sessions that involved a lot of corporal that left me a bit cold and bored.

OK, girls, back to your devoted slaves, first of all if they want to clean your house dressed up, forget about it. First of all why let a stranger into your house? If things turn sour, you really don't want him to know where you live (and some weirdo informing your neighbors and landlord...). Then if he does want to do it in a sissy outfit, you do know how things are going to pan out?

It will take ages for him to get ready and put his "uniform" on, then you have to admire him, possibly fix his makeup and lace him into a corset. So you basically just spent 30 minutes giving him a free session. Girl you've worn a corset, they look great and I love how they feel, but it's not really what anybody in their right frame of mind would wear for cleaning, same goes for high heels.
So basically you have some guy dressed up in your house, tottering around in high heels and a corset, he can't bend down so floors are out. If you're like me, you have a certain way you want things done, so you got to teach him. At that point he possibly will lose interest, I mean you expect him to really clean? He realizes cleaning isn't quite as exciting as it was in his mind, so he wants you to watch him clean. Honestly, if I have to watch somebody clean, I rather do it myself because then I at least know it's done right.

Of course you won't believe me, so I guess you'll learn the hard way, stuff is going to get missing, you spent ages showing how somebody to clean, you watch somebody clean until you're fed up, and of course they guy will think he has done such an outstanding job (even if he just smeared the dirt over the floor instead of cleaning) that he deserves a "reward". So you end up wasting a lot of time, in the end you'll clean yourself, but the guy got a free session and his jollies off. You don't want to see him again? Guess what, he's going to rubbish you all over the internet and your commercial domming is taking a hit. Oh and of course everybody will know where you live, how you live... Gossip, gossip...

Honestly, keep most of your private business to yourself, if you don't want it to be discussed in every dungeon in town. Guys like to brag...

Work calls, I think this will have a few more entries a bit later... I doubt the wisdom of this a bit, I don't think a lot of people will read this anyway, and sod it, it's therapeutic for me, I'm just thinking if an aspiring domme reads it, she's possibly going to ignore it because I am an idiot and she knows better. Guys possibly really don't want to hear about it, the occasional reader stumbling across this thinks we're all a bit fucked up anyway... However it's fun writing.

Truth to be told, I have met the odd sub who's a service sub and excellent at what they do, but they're the proverbial needle in the haystack and most dommes will snatch them up ASAP!

What on earth are you thinking?

HMP's comment got me thinking (and it was so exciting to get a comment, almost like the first reader's letter, I feel young again...)

What he said was:

I have come to realize that pro domination is an extremely difficult and competitive profession. All the adorable young ladies out there in search of "easy money" are in for a rude awakening. My advice to them is "don't quit your day job."

I can't agree more, unless you're a straight 10 (and yes, I really do mean model gorgeous and in that case modelling is a much more lucrative option), chances are that you will have to work for quite a while until you get regular sessions (i.e. a dependable income). A couple of years ago (before the economy tanked) guys were eager to session with a new domme, now money is a bit tight and they want to be sure to get a good session, so they will look if you stick around before they book and what others have to say about you. So a bunch of cameos and you most likely won't get paid for them just so they see you, in case another domme is nice enough to get you into her session. The economy is quite tight and more than a few will be worried about introducing you to their clients - because your gain would be their loss. In the better dungeons the staff is encouraged to not have this competitive attitude and it makes a lot of sense.

• It creates a really bad work climate
• Clients pick up on that and are less likely to come for sessions
• The bad work climate makes being stuck together quite horrible, waiting for clients (yup, this is what you will be doing for most of the time, better bring some books or knitting with you) in such an atmosphere leads to fights and staff leaving...
• Rather than losing a client to another house, keep them at the same dungeon and let them "slut" around there, guys are horndogs and most clients will session with several different dommes, if they get the feeling that you disapprove and they have to hide it, it reminds them of being married. If they stay in the same house, they will do their rounds there and most likely will come back to you. They also might sing the praise of that house, which will result in more clients.
• If you are working in a friendly environment, you really learn much more and instead of letting you run into an open knife, the other women will cover for you, teach you and assist you.
• They will work with you and warn you of bad clients or will tell you about the particular quirks of a client they have seen before - so don't try to poach their clients, be fair and things are much better and more lucrative for everybody involved.

Think about it this way, if you're going to a restaurant, you want to have your dinner in a pleasant atmosphere and not where there is tension in the air...

Some other stuff you will have to consider is the start up costs, you will need fetish clothes (not cheap) but go for quality and not the cheapest outfit you can get away with. There are a lot of things you can do with a corset and a leather skirt and a pair of thigh high boots, if you buy cheap stuff, I guarantee you it's going to rip or lose shape ASAP and you have to buy again. Get a steel boned corset of decent quality, you're better off with an underbust corset, more versatile and the fit can be adjusted, with an overbust corset, doesn't happen. An underbust corset of decent quality you can order online but it still will be about 100, give or take 10 or 20, if it's too cheap to be true, it's not going to last very long, the hooks will be of bad quality and get wedged, the eyelets will come off, etc. It's a waste of money. A real leather skirt, depending on quality, you might find 2nd hand or on eBay (better make sure it's real leather) for maybe 20, boot you might have a pair at home already, but you will want a pair that has a BDSM look, you can get some in goth shops, but I'd advise you to go for the stiletto heel, good quality leather (they really have to fit well, nothing looks worse than boots that are far too wide and you're flopping around in them, or boots that are so tight that your thighs have love-handles, book 300 for halfway decent quality...
You can combine it with a black bra, a hot black bodystocking, a transparent blouse, etc while you get the money together for a leather top and more items.

I always told newbies to buy stuff they like themselves and would wear or could combine with normal clothes, so it wouldn't hurt so much if their career in BDSM wouldn't take off. It certainly does help a lot if you actually like BDSM. It makes learning easier and the clothes won't just be an expense but something you really enjoy.

So you got the basics covered and you're already out of pocket, don't expect to make a fortune or the rent the first few weeks, have another job, even if you're just washing dishes or waiting tables, a secure income helps to take the stress off, it also helps to keep you grounded and in the real world. With a few exceptions over the years (the longest might have been 6 weeks when I had to cover for the head mistress) domming was never my main income. It has another practical aspect, you are never pressured to accept sessions you really really don't want to do because you need the money. I don't mean sessions you simply don't like, I mean stuff that really disgusts you or goes against your personal boundaries. I don't think I need to paint a picture...

For the first couple of months and maybe a year, you will have to invest in more and more fetish clothes and toys. The dungeon might have most of them, but there's a difference between using your own whip, the one you're used to and the ones that are in the dungeon. The same with other stuff, you clean them yourself and all that, you'll be much more comfortable using them. Don't go over board and blow all your money on a ridiculously expensive fetish item, keep in mind you need something you can combine with a lot of other stuff and create a lot of different looks. The guys don't want to see you in the same thing over and over again, they come to see you for a break from reality, don't kid yourself, don't buy into their BS of everlasting devotion, it's a fantasy, it is the adult industry, best look like you stepped out of their fantasy. And while a lot of them will swear they really care for you as a person and want to know all about you, don't be too open... Think stalker, they don't tend to announce themselves, think that you might have to drop the guy as a client because he will want more than domination, not everybody plays with a full deck of cards, some of the guys might go a bit nuts. Unless you want your family and all of your neighbors knowing what you do (it might be a cool idea and you'll feel like a rebel, but if you want a career outside of BDSM, not such a great idea), be careful...

Got a lot more to say about this, if I don't get distracted maybe tomorrow, but for now I want to watch a movie with hubby...

All hope abandon ye who enter here

Now that I figured out the background (still looks pretty awful and embarrassingly long to fiddle around with it) and I am still in rant mode (have I mentioned how therapeutic it is to get that stuff off my chest?), a few home truth about the glamorous life of pro-dommes.


You want to keep your illusions, well then don't enter through the gates of hell here, because it might be Dante's Inferno.

OK, I'm the first one to admit that they typical - well stereotypical - domme does exist, we all met them, they're fucked up, be it on drugs or whatever else or just with their heads so far up their own anuses that they almost disappear (unfortunately that only makes them louder), dumber than a garden tool and all that,  but seriously, the majority of us really isn't like that.

I'm not claiming every domme is a rocket scientist but there is a rather large percentage of us who actually have a fairly good education and another career. We might be attracted to BDSM and it's various activities, and yes, also to the money. Think about it, you have a skill that's very sought after, you invested a lot of time and money in your skills and your tools, say you're a great guitarist, of course you may want to play at friend's parties for free, but if strangers would offer you quite a bit of money to play at their parties and events, wouldn't you charge? Wouldn't you like your skills, the amount of time and money you invested into learning them being appropriately reflected in that payment? Not to mention the costs for you to take that gig (guitar strings, wear and tear on your guitar, petrol money, time...)?
Or you are working for your boss for free and you pay your rent out of a trust fund?

The old chestnut of dommes charging too much is just so fucking ridiculous. We don't actually have to get into how much it costs, you don't believe me? Rent, advertising, outfits, toys, cleaning material...

If you want to have the super cheap session, look for the usual suspect in a city, a house with a lot of very young dommes, most will have no or only basic equipment and fetish gear, a good indicator is if they pose on the webpage only in underwear. You might not have the best session, but then again,  you possibly also spent less than the going market rate. Or if you feel really adventurous, Craigs List, Backpage, a bit of a gamble...

Apart from the costs, you also have a lot of dangers. The ever popular stalker, stalkers are drawn to dommes like moths to the light. I don't know why guys become so obsessed, and oddly enough not just submissives or kinksters, regular guys can get really obsessed with them too. I never really figured out why. There are several reasons that I think are distinct possibilities, yet none of them makes sense to a rational mind. But I guess to be a stalker the absence of a rational mind is a prerequisite...
It's kind of scary that I really don't know a single domme who never had to deal with a stalker, most don't talk about it, it's not glam, it's bad for business, clients don't want to hear about it, and you know if you do talk about it openly, often copy cats are encouraged. Sadly enough most stalkers have seriously criminal energy and know exactly how to avoid being caught. They can be the most uneducated hicks, when it comes to that, they're effing marvels.
Another problem in the domme world is that nobody wants to get involved, some fear about their business (thinking that they can handle the guy and the other woman was just not domme enough and more such BS), others might be afraid that they will attract the attentions of a stalker if they help the victim. Unfortunately there is a lot of backstabbing in the domme world, that's so stupid, I mean nobody is going to get more business if they get another person out of the way, doesn't work. It really doesn't, all it does is making everybody weaker. So yes dommes, if you are warned about a stalker or a bad client, it's your call to ignore it or not, but do not rat the person out who's trying to help you because you want to take care of the competition. It's really that simple...

And on that happy note (no, my rant is far from finished) I'm off to do some mundane house cleaning as I am expecting a guest tomorrow... I told you, you'd be disappointed...