BDSM and PTSD (from a femsub's POV)

After Phil's article about Depression and BDSM I talked to a female online friend I've been talking to for a while, she mentioned PTSD a few times and certain triggers and how she's able to live with it, but it wasn't easy. I asked her if she would feel comfortable writing about it, because a lot of people in BDSM seem to suffer from PTSD. 

ShiftyW (the author), is a female submissive and after talking for a while, her story can possibly help a bunch of people suffering from a similar condition.

Like depression, PTSD is something that can happen to just about anybody, there's nothing shameful about, as ShiftyW says, it has to be considered as seriously as a back problem or any other health problem.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2010. It was a result of a date rape that happened in 2006. 

In 2006 I was a college freshmen, who had moved to Philadelphia from a small rural New England town.

I was a virgin.

I was dating someone who I considered myself close with.

I knew I was into kink years before this, but wasn't really ready to explore that, or even ready to have sex. But my date didn't listen when I said no, and overpowered me.

I lived in the same dorm as him for a year, and he would constantly intimidate me into not telling anyone.

I went to the clinic alone to get tested for STD's and pregnancy, which both came back negative, thankfully.

He ended up flunking out of school and I haven't seen him since freshmen year. But the damage had been done.

The next three years became a spiral of worsening symptoms of PTSD. At one point I wouldn't sleep through the night because I was constantly checking locks and looking behind doors in our apartment for someone hiding, all night long. I became promiscuous. I would go through bouts of depression and shame that would basically cripple my emotional capacity for days. I would obsessively get tested for HIV- even if I hadn't had a new partner for months, I was at the clinic every three weeks.

I dated jerks. I had no self worth or self esteem. I constantly had intrusive obsessive thoughts about what I would do if I were kidnapped or raped, with a lot of "scenario running". I was fiercely secretive about all this.

The worst symptom was being afraid to say no. I had some pretty faulty logic going on that basically was "If I don't say no, no one can rape me or abuse my consent again".

At this point, I was more into kink, and it was a problem. I didn't really know how to set limits, and doing so made me wildly insecure. Being a bottom, I took a lot of pride in pleasing my partners- the feelings of inadequacy and the fear of not being able to say no to something I really did not want to do made my sex life, and my interest in kink, pretty treacherous. I ended up in some dangerous situations, that I am fortunate to come out of relatively safely.

I got help after a particularly shameful and scary one night stand.

In therapy I learned how important respecting my own mental illness and limits really was. It’s a hard lesson, honestly. I think bottom types have a hard time feeling that they are not all they want to be for their counterparts. I felt this pretty strongly.

Because my rapist had only valued me for sex, it had a strong effect on my own view of my self worth, and I felt that if I couldn't do more extreme kink things that I really wasn't any good in the sack and I should just get over it, because it was really the only reason someone would want me anyways. I had to change my thinking. I've since realized that the way to the best relationships is a mutual respect of each others limitations, and finding someone whose limits align with mine. If they don't, unfortunately, that person may not be for me. 
If "rape play" is really important to a top and it is a requirement for them, no matter how attracted to him I am, I really need to assess if I actually want to be involved with someone who values that type of play over my mental well being.

Secondly - limits are limiting. 
I have to understand if a top chooses to reject me because I'm not what they are looking for.

Initially- I had a really hard time with rejection, because I felt inadequate and as if all I was good at, wasn't good enough. I had to learn that I'm just not compatible with some people, and that's OK.

It’s OK to not be into medical play or knife play. I also had to learn to reject people myself.

Saying no to someone's advances was really hard and scary. Sometimes, people get really mad when they are rejected, and I was pretty fearful of that anger. With my therapist we practiced ways of saying no, which I realize sounds kind of silly, but it was absolutely necessary for me. I had a really hard time, and still have a hard time with it. It makes me nervous that someone won't respect it, and violate my consent again, but I'm a much happier person when I'm doing things that won't trigger me, or send me into a depression.

I also had to give up a few kinks I was really interested in. Public play and even some educational events are really off the table for me. Even if I have a strong exhibitionist streak in me, those situations make me too anxious and hyper vigilant to really enjoy myself.

Perhaps someday I can return to those things, but for now, I feel that they would overwhelm me and frighten me. Other things I will only do with folks whom I love and trust, and it usually takes a while for me to get to that point with someone. TPE was something I was interested in, but after having a terrible experience with it before, it is not something I feel capable of, I clearly have some issues with control, and I feel it isn't something that sets myself or my partner up for success. However, I'm willing to discuss it if someone right came along.

I take precautions now, that I feel anyone with a mental illness should consider taking. I treat my mental illness as seriously as I do a physical one. I make sure who I am with is aware of my condition, and signs that it bothering me. I also make sure that if I disassociate, the person I'm playing with knows full and well the signs of this and to stop, even if I don't safeword. 

I use safewords, without shame, if I end up in a dangerous headspace. If a top doesn't believe in safewords, or gives me a lot of grief about not "really being in physical danger"- I don't play with them.

I make sure my partners know about the possibility of me getting triggered, and what that looks like. I negotiate my limits really thoroughly so that someone is made aware of what is more likely to set me off.

I have of course, been told by doing this I am trying to "top from the bottom"- but I don't view putting my own mental safety first as "topping from the bottom"- me explaining my limits and PTSD is an effort to make BOTH of us feel good at the end of it, and protect myself from further trauma, if someone views me saying "Medical play and needles are a hard limit, full stop" as topping from the bottom, they are probably not someone I should play with.

Advocating and making aware your partners is the most important thing I thinks someone who suffers with mental illness can do.

I have found an excellent partner. We have been together for nearly 4 years. Our interests align and he is wildly supportive. I realized that he was someone who valued me beyond my sexuality or kink. He has come to therapy appointments with me. He knows if I'm getting triggered even before I do. He knows to anchor me down in the present and bring me out of the panic or disassociation. He constantly has my PTSD in consideration when topping me. Learning to adapt my kink and advocate for myself, through therapy, played a huge role in finding the right person. Sometimes it’s still a pain. Sometimes I can take all the precautions and I'll still get triggered.

I just have to respect the power of my own illness, and consider it as seriously as I would a back problem.

BDSM Checklist

As I mentioned before, you should know your limits.

It's easy to say you don't have any limits if you have also no experience and everything seems to be so new and exciting, it's also very easy to say you have no limits when everything you've seen is BDSM porn and again, everything was very exciting and arousing, on screen not a lot of things hurt. Tell you what, in your fantasies you can take a lot of pain and it's arousing, also your knees don't hurt, you don't get pins and needles from bondage, kneeling too long oh and your endurance like your erection is endless ;)

Use a bit of common sense and have a little list ready, it helps if you find a dominant and you know what you like and what is an absolute no go. I've said it countless times but it bears repeating, dominants are not mind readers, it's your job as a sub to communicate your limits. It's a little bit like going to dinner, if you don't tell the cook that you have food allergies, they can't avoid using things that you are allergic to.

Pretty often a sub doesn't mention anything and later on it was the bad dominant who violated limits, might work once, might even work twice, but then word gets around and nobody will want to play with you anymore because you look like a professional victim instead of a fun play partner. In case the dominant knows your limit, he or she can work around them, or you can both decide in advance that you're not too well suited.

Here are a few pointers, and I suggest you make a list with all those things and write Yes / No / Maybe.
Don't worry about too many Nos, things will change and what you couldn't ever have imagined at the beginning of your journey might at one point become a maybe, or at a later point even a strong interest and it might end up as a yes, some hard limits will always be the same, and some you should actually have, because self-preservation is quite important.

Just for "shit and giggles" it might actually worth to keep the check list you have now and compare it to another check list further down the line, say in a year or two - in a lot of cases it will look really really different.

I really can't list up everything here, and I think there are more than enough BDSM checklists floating around on the internet, I found one that is quite comprehensive and printable:

Printable BDSM Checklist

The line is really comprehensive and a lot of things are in there and if it's already there, why do another one? So what I'm trying to do here is just give you something to think about and a rough idea what you have to consider.

Most of us have some triggers, some phobias, something that makes us freak out, even stuff that goes back to our childhood. It's really important to let a dominant know, because a submissive having a panic attack is a real mood killer and can be quite dangerous, also mention allergies, especially if it's something that might be part of the play (for example if you have a latex allergy).

So think about what you really fear, are you claustrophobic? In that case, you should mention that before somebody attempts to put you into a cage, if you're an asthmatic maybe you shouldn't indulge in breath play, if you're having heart problems, don't do electrical play...

• Are there some triggers that will bring back bad childhood memories? Some people can't have their faces slapped, others freak out at a beating with a belt, verbal humiliation
• Claustrophobia or panic when being tied up
• Do you panic when you are gagged (breathing problems)
• Do you panic is somebody puts a hood on you - if so mention it
• Anxiety issues
• Playing publicly an issue (job, marriage, just feeling scared...)

• Medical issues  (allergies, heart problems, asthma, diabetic, problems with the knees or back )
• Are you on any medication
• Areas where you just can't stand to be touched
• Marks - where can you have them and how long can they last?
• Blood play and unprotected sex - until you do know your dominant really well and have a good idea about how safe they are and how much attention they put on hygiene, responsibility and sterilization, I would suggest you give that a miss. It might be sexy as hell, but what you can catch is everything but sexy...
• In case you don't want any interaction with other men, say that in advance.
• It's not very likely that somebody will spring urine and feces on you out of the blue, but in case one or both gross you out, it's worth mentioning it!

Again, in case I have forgotten something important, please let me know, this is not a complete list, just a few things to give you pointers and start to make you think about issues you might not have considered.

You also have to be quite honest with yourself about how much time can you really devote to your chosen life-style and be realistic in your expectations. If you fantasize about being submissive but once you've ejaculated it's all gone - maybe you want to think about the whole life-style thing again and stick to pros. Because most dommes won't take too kindly to you pronouncing that you are submissive and losing all interest immediately after your release, it would be a hell lot better if you are open and say you're sexually submissive or just plain kinky. Trust me, nothing wrong with just plain kinky ;)